Chapter Ten

Brendan swung his legs out of bed, shirtless and warm all over. He glanced back at the bed; Stephen was still curled up and asleep, his hand closed in a fist over Brendan's pillow. Brendan gave a brief smile and rose, bending to pick up his shirt and trousers from the floor. He needed some air; he certainly couldn't sleep.

As he stepped out of Stephen's flat, the wind immediately hit him, whipping at his face like knives cutting into his flesh. Or perhaps his numbness had only now worn off, and everything in the air was sensitive and too real all at once.

His conversation with Stephen had unsettled him immensely. He hadn't wanted to press the issue tonight but everything they had shared had left him feeling vulnerable and exposed, naked and bare. The latter in the literal sense, some time after they had retired to the bedroom.

Brendan kicked a pebble across the road, feeling tense and edgy. Everything was happening so fast and he wasn't sure how ready he was for this life. He wanted Stephen by his side no matter what, but he knew how tenuous things could be. He feared he might screw it up again, and considering how fragile Stephen seemed these days, the thought almost choked him.

The streets were dark and empty. Brendan was only vaguely aware of the fact that he had gone out without his jacket. He found himself walking home without even needing to think about it. As if on autopilot he let himself in and went straight to the liquor cabinet, pouring out a glass of whiskey. He downed it in one, his hand shaking a little as he raised the glass to his lips.

He wouldn't be able to go back tonight, that was certain. He didn't want to go to bed either, resulting in him crashing out on the sofa, eyes open and unsleeping. Tomorrow would bring what it did, but for now he simply wanted the quiet.

xxx

As the light poured through the window, Brendan woke with a start. He rubbed at his face tiredly, hardly believing that he had fallen asleep. The clock showed that it was only eight. Brendan got up slowly and made his way to the bathroom for a shower. First he checked his messages. Nothing. Stephen would undoubtedly be coming after him, wondering where he had disappeared to. He was probably still asleep right now. Brendan could wait.

Once he was showered and dressed, he made some coffee. Cheryl pottered down the stairs in her dressing gown, yawning.

"Oh hello, love. When did you get home?" She asked in some surprise.

"Came home late" Brendan replied, handing her a cup of coffee.

"Ste not with you?"

"We aren't joined at the hip" Brendan replied tersely, then immediately regretted his words. "Sorry. Long night"

Cheryl shrugged, helping herself to breakfast. "You in work today?"

"Yeah, later" Brendan replied absently. He glanced at his watch. It was well after half nine by now. Stephen still hadn't called. "I think I'll get off" Brendan told Cheryl, stealing a bite of her toast.

She grinned affectionately at him, not even chastising him for stealing some of her breakfast.

He went to the club first, working in the office for a while and glancing at the door every now and again. It was a busy morning, meeting with suppliers and the like and temporarily Brendan forgot what he was so on edge about. But once lunchtime hit, he really started to wonder where Stephen was and if everything was okay. He had left without saying anything and no note. Why hadn't Stephen called to check everything was alright? Brendan felt the prickling of ill ease and decided to go round to Stephen's, just in case.

Amy answered the door, curtly telling him that Stephen had gone out hours ago and she wasn't expecting him back anytime soon. She had pretty much closed the door in his face so Brendan hadn't been able to question her further. He ran his fingers across his scalp, wondering where Stephen could possibly have gone without telling him. Was he doing it out of spite? Brendan thought they were beyond all that. But then again, wasn't Brendan reverting to type by running away in the first place?

With a sigh, Brendan brought his phone out of his pocket and called Stephen. No answer. He decided to leave a message.

"Stephen, call me" was the first.

An hour later, Brendan was becoming more agitated. "Stephen? Where are ye? I'm worried. Call me"

By the afternoon, Brendan was feeling incredibly tense. "For Christ's sake, Stephen. What are ye doing? I'm sorry I left last night but why are ye doing this? Fucking call me, alright?"

Afternoon turned into evening and still no word. Brendan was at his wits end. Cheryl had tried to soothe him, telling him Stephen probably just needed some space. This didn't help improve Brendan's mood. He attempted a different approach.

"Okay, Stephen. I get it, I shouldn't have run again. I just… it was too much, after what we talked about. Can ye just tell me yer alright? Ye don't have to see me; I just need to know ye are safe. Please"

Moments later, Brendan's phone buzzed.

"Sorry, phone was off. I'm fine. Don't worry x"

Brendan called him immediately. "Did ye ignore my phone calls?" he asked straight away when Stephen answered.

"No, I told you. I left my phone off"

"And why would ye do that?" Brendan attempted to keep his voice level.

"I was out with the kids and didn't want to be disturbed" Stephen replied reasonably enough.

Brendan wasn't one to be reasoned with right now. "Why didn't ye tell me where ye were?"

Brendan heard Stephen breathe out heavily at the other end. "Does it matter?"

"Of course it does" Brendan murmured. "I'm coming over" he said decisively.

"Brendan-" Stephen began to argue.

"No chance. I'm coming"

He set off straight away.

xxx

Stephen was waiting for him outside when he arrived, arms crossed. Brendan breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of him, immediately reaching out to hold him. Stephen flinched away. Brendan's arms fell to his sides, useless and heavy without Stephen to occupy them.

"I messed up" he said automatically.

"No" Stephen said quietly. "I did. I pushed things too fast, you weren't ready"

Brendan shook his head. "We're supposed to be moving forward. I want us to, I do. I just panicked"

Stephen looked down. He seemed older suddenly. "Maybe we should have a little space, just for a few days"

Brendan blinked. "Are ye serious? I don't want that. It's not as serious as that"

Stephen tilted his head to the side. "I think its best. Just think things through, decide what you want…" he trailed off, reaching for the door handle.

"No wait!" Brendan grabbed his wrist. "It was nothing, really. I still want this, us"

Stephen's face softened somewhat. "I'm not saying we can't but we've been in each others pockets for weeks now, maybe we just need a little separation"

"Did the therapist tell ye that?" Brendan practically growled. "Because they're paid for that, Stephen. To create problems where there aren't any"

Stephen rolled his eyes. "Nice to know what you really think of the therapy"

"No, that came out wrong" Brendan shook his head. "I just mean, this isn't needed" he pulled Stephen towards him by the wrist, his lips in his hair, breathing in his scent. "I need ye"

"I know" Stephen bowed his head onto his shoulder. "I need you too. But it takes time and a little break might do us some good"

Brendan tightened his hold. He didn't think he would be able to let him go, even for a moment.

"What if I don't want to?"

Stephen pulled away, looking at him sadly. "You'll thank me for it, trust me" he kissed him lightly on the lips, pulling away before things became heated. "See you soon, Bren"

He was back inside the flat before Brendan really knew what had happened. His arms felt empty and cold where Stephen had once been. It was a familiar feeling; one he thought was long gone. If only he had stayed, none of this would be happening. Stephen needed him to try, and Brendan wasn't a quitter. He would make this work; he would have him in his arms again without pause for concern. He would count on it.