A/N: Relaxing after the case is closed, someone else isn't too happy for Mr. and Mrs. Stabler, and the revelation of a pretty big secret.
DISCLAIMER: Sadly, the characters are not mine. Dick Wolf owns SVU and its characters. TStabler©, me, owns the story: plot, narrative, idea, dialogue and the computer I wrote it on.
"…there's no 'f' in 'cod,' and the man looks at her and says, 'Thank God, you finally get it!" Munch cracked, whooping at his own punch-line.
"Oh!" Alex yelled. "No 'effin' cod! I get it!" she said, laughing now.
Olivia and Elliot looked at each other, raising an eyebrow, then looked at their friends. "Guess you have to be drunk to think it's funny," Olivia offered.
"Nope," Trevor said, shaking his head. "I'm wasted, and I thought that joke was shit. Hey, where are Kin and Facey?"
Elliot snickered. "Fin and Casey?" he asked, pressing his lips together.
"Yeah, Kin and Facey," Trevor said, taking another shot. "They were invited. I mean, your whole damn unit was invited, I'm only here because I'm her foybriend!" he slurred, pointing to Alex.
"Wow, and to think I could be with a prize like him instead of you," Olivia whispered to Elliot.
"Well, baby, he was your 'foybriend' for a little while," Elliot said, patting her on the knee. Then he wrapped his arms around her. "How the hell did you put up with..."
"We can't really talk, ya know," Olivia chuckled, interrupting him. "We got drunk and you became my 'bushand!"
Elliot chuckled, tightening his grip on Olivia. "Best drunken night of my life." He cupped her face in his hands and pulled her in for a sweet but deep kiss.
"Hey," Munch yelled. "You two shouldn't be doing that! You're partners. Cragen'll…oh, wait. Never mind. Kiss on, married people!"
Olivia smirked as she watched Munch take another swig of his drink. "Yeah, Munch, keep drinking, pal."
"Benson, why aren't you and your lawfully wedded husband drinking?" Alex asked, holding up a small glass. "We closed one of the hardest, highest-profile cases we've ever had. You two are getting, like, the key to the city or some shit. Knock back a few and celebrate!"
"Oh, no," Olivia said with a laugh. "Alcohol, me, and Elliot do not mesh well. Last time we woke up married. If we drink tonight, I'll wake up pregnant."
Elliot stilled, shot her look, then threw his hand in the air and shouted, "Excuse me! I need two Jack and cokes over here!"
Fin walked over to their table just in time to see Olivia smack Elliot in the arm. "Trouble in paradise?" he asked, sitting.
"No, man," Elliot said, chuckling. "The wife can't take a joke."
"Can, too, but I know you weren't joking!" Olivia said, her eyes still wide, her mouth still frozen in an impish grin.
Elliot shrugged. "We should have a couple of kids, Liv," he said. "You want 'em, I want 'em, I don't see a problem."
Olivia shook her head and chuckled as the waitress set her drink in front of her. "I love you," she said to Elliot, grabbing his hand.
"I love you, too, baby," Elliot said, winking at her, giving her hand a squeeze. "Hey, bro, where's Casey?" he asked Fin, leaning forward.
"Don't know," Fin said, shrugging. "Don't care," he added. He reached over and grabbed the glass from Munch, took a sip, and gave it back.
"Are we missing something?" Olivia asked, her face screwing up in confusion.
Fin nodded. "She left. We, uh, got into it tonight. I asked her why the fuck she wanted to sleep with my two best friends, and she started tellin' me about how it had nothing to do with me not being good enough, it was just an itch she's always wanted to scratch."
Elliot tensed up. "Uh, look, Fin, I never encouraged…"
"I know you didn't, man," Fin said, nodding. He raised a hand and nodded at the bartender, asking for his usual. "As long as I've known you, the only legal briefs you were trying to get into were Baby-Girl's."
Olivia snorted. "Nice metaphor," she said, sipping her drink.
"Thanks," Fin said with a wink. "I don't blame either of you. Casey just had this fantasy, ya know? A threesome that didn't include me, and while it would be fuckin' hot, she should have changed her damn mind about it when we got serious. I can see her still wanting Olivia, but the fact that she's still got a thing for you, Elliot, that pisses me off."
"It doesn't piss you off that your fiancée wants to sleep with my wife?" Elliot asked, stunned.
Fin shook his head as his drink was brought to him. "Man, up until I got serious with Casey, I wanted to sleep with your wife."
Olivia cleared her throat. "I've talked to hundreds of victims, serial rapists, murderers, and child molesters, yet this conversation is making me uncomfortable."
Fin and Elliot laughed. "Sorry, Baby-Girl," Fin said.
"Liv, you really don't know how beautiful and sexy you are," Elliot cooed into her ear. "Every man you've ever met has probably had thoughts about sleeping with you. Even Munch, over there."
"Yeah," Munch said, proving he was still conscious. "You look real good in a spacesuit, Benson," he said, chuckling.
Fin furrowed his brow and smirked at his partner. "Fuck, man, even your fantasies are fuckin' conspiracies."
"And stop taking my wife into space!" Elliot spat, trying not to laugh.
"Yeah, really fucking uncomfortable," Olivia said, hiding her face in Elliot's chest.
Elliot chuckled and held her close, kissing her forehead. "Can we get back to the point, here?" he asked, nodding to Fin.
Fin sighed. "She couldn't understand why I was upset. She told me I had no reason to be mad, or hurt, because it wasn't like it was gonna happen now. She just didn't get it. So I told her to get out, and come back when she fuckin' figured it out." He took a swig of his beer and looked down into the glass. "When you marry someone, man, it's supposed to be because they are your fantasy. They're supposed to be the object of every fuckin' fantasy you have. You marry someone because you never even think about bein' with anyone else, ever, right?"
Elliot and Olivia looked into each other's eyes, smiled, and kissed. His words hit home for them. Elliot turned back to his friend and said, "Right, man. That's exactly right."
"Sorry I'm late," Melinda said, appearing next to their table. "I'm not staying. This is work related, so Detectives, we have a problem."
"And we have phones," Munch said, raising his glass. "To technology!" he cheered, knocking back his drink.
"Drunk mother fucker," Fin scoffed. "What is it, Mel?"
Melinda held in a laugh, then held out a file. "The blood from the tee-shirt you were wearing, Olivia, should have only had two samples on it. Yours and the vic's. That's why we were using it as the control."
"Right," Olivia said, her eyes narrowing. "The perp shot her, I ran to her, he shot again, grazed me. Two people, two samples."
Melinda shook her head. "Yeah, that's what I thought, too. We ran samples through the system, trying to find out who she is, expecting only you and her to come back."
"This…this can't be right," Olivia said, looking down at the file. "I mean, obviously…it couldn't be…"
"Liv, baby, what?" Elliot asked, taking the file out of her hands.
"Mel," Fin said, "What's this about?"
Melinda sighed. "One of them, either Olivia or the victim, is related to your captain. One of those samples had enough genetic markers in common with Don Cragen to score a hit. Meaning, he's a close male relative. A brother, an uncle, or a father."
"Cragen's got a kid?" Munch asked, shocked, "And that kid is our Jane Doe, is that what you're telling us?"
"No," Olivia said, stunned. "Munch, the second kidnapping victim last night was Chinese."
Elliot looked at Olivia, his eyes warm, and he reached out a hand to cup her chin. He turned her face toward her, seeing the tears in her eyes, and he searched for the feeling behind them. "Liv? Baby? Say something."
"Well," Olivia said, sniffling, refusing to cry until she was sure there was something to cry about, "I know he's not my brother."
Olivia and Elliot stormed into the bullpen, knowing full well that Cragen was still there. Elliot was about to knock on the man's door when it opened.
"Oh, Elliot, what are you doing back here?" Cragen asked. "You have the weekend off. So do you, Olivia. This case was tough on you."
"You have no idea," Olivia said, handing him the file. "Either you left a very confused woman in China after a very wrong one-night-stand, or my entire life has been a lie! Which is it?
Cragen read through the file and sighed. "Neither, Olivia," he said, shaking his head. "I was hoping I'd never have to tell you this. I was hoping you'd just…shit."
"Don, just tell her!" Elliot said, sounding more like he was talking to a perp than his captain.
Cragen looked at Elliot with a flash of fear in his eyes. "I'm going to, Elliot. Olivia," he said, sighing again, struggling to look her in the eyes, "Your mother knew who the man who raped her was. So did I, almost as soon as it happened. The reason there aren't any fives on it, the reason she never told you, is because he was killed in a car accident before he could be brought in and interrogated. He never faced those charges."
Olivia looked confused. "So then…you're not my…"
"No, I'm not," Cragen interrupted. "But I knew your mother, Olivia," he continued. "I was in love with her, and my brother hated me for it."
"You have a brother?" Elliot asked, folding his arms around Olivia.
"Can I finish, please?" Cragen asked, huffing. "After it happened, your mom was so traumatized and horrified, that she broke up with me, while I was sitting in the hospital with her, and told me she never wanted to see me again. I went home and told my brother, Paul, I knew it was him, and that I was gonna tell the cops. He drove off of a cliff a week later, out of guilt. He would have gotten off, anyway, Olivia. He would have made the jury believe that your mother was lying, and he would have made her look like a fool in front of everyone, and he knew he destroyed my life, as well as hers."
"So you're my uncle," Olivia said, trying to breathe, feeling like she'd been ran over by a steamroller.
Cragen nodded, a tear falling from his left eye. "She, uh, came in here a month later to tell me she was pregnant, and that it was his, but that she still didn't want to have anything to do with me. God, she didn't know that I would have stayed with her, that I would have taken care of you."
"You could have…you should have told me," Olivia said, pulling herself out of Elliot's hold.
"Oh, yeah, that would have been a great first day at work," Cragen said, sniffling. "Elliot, this is your new partner, my niece, Olivia Benson."
"You've had plenty of time to explain this to me!" Olivia yelled.
Cragen nodded. "I know, and I'm sorry, but I didn't know how you'd react, and I didn't…Olivia, you're the closet thing I have to a daughter, and if you knew the truth, I knew you'd hate me, and I don't want to lose you."
"You're right," Olivia said, turning her back on him. "I am the closet thing you have to daughter." She looked up at Elliot, who knew what she was thinking and nodded with a smile, and then she turned and threw her arms around her captain. "What's closer than a niece?"
"You're…not mad at me?" Cragen asked, shocked, as he hugged her to him tightly.
Olivia scoffed. "Oh, I'm pissed, Cap," she said. "But I'm also really happy that you're…family." She pulled away from him and looked at him. "Really family."
"Speaking of family," an annoyed voice said from the bullpen doorway, "I'd like mine back."
Elliot, Olivia, and Cragen turned their heads toward the voice. Olivia gasped, Cragen looked at Elliot, and Elliot did the only thing he could do.
He laughed.
"Kathy, you always did have a fucked up sense of humor," Elliot said, chuckling.
"How is this funny?" Kathy asked. "I'm swallowing my pride, coming back here and admitting I made a mistake. And you're laughing at me?"
Elliot nodded. "Oh, hell yeah, I am. You're fucking kidding, right? You leave, we get divorced, then you willingly give me the kids. You can't possibly think I want to have anything to do with you! Oh! While you're here, just so you know there's no way on God's green earth I could ever want you back, there's someone I want you to meet, Kathy." He took Olivia's hand and walked her over to the middle of the bullpen. "Kathy, I want you to meet..."
"I know who Olivia is, Elliot," Kathy said, rolling her eyes.
"No, uh, I was gonna introduce you to my wife," Elliot said, smirking.
Kathy's face fell. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so she did neither. She simply turned and walked out of the squadroom, cursing herself for giving him too much time. Her plan didn't work. It backfired completely. As she got back into her car, she sighed, thinking. "My own damn fault," she mused. "Better a friend than nothing, right?" she asked herself before turning the key and driving away. She smirked, realizing she knew just how she'd congratulate them.
A/N: Is Kathy gonna ask questions? Is she gonna be nice or evil? Is Casey gonna go back to Fin? And a Sunday stroll through the city causes Olivia and Elliot to break every rule in the wedding prep handbook. How? Review!