*Aaaand here's the tenth chapter. Sorry about the long wait. :/
Ten)
(Rin's POV)
Well, what the hell was he supposed to say to that? Haru was still staring at him, and with such a determined look too...he still didn't know what to say to that.
And then he started to curse him. He cursed him for ever meeting me. He cursed him for being himself because he had fallen so hard, and haven't even realized it. His father's words came back in his memory about him meeting a "pretty little lady and getting married".
Because that's how it's supposed to be, right?
He's supposed to fall in love with a "pretty little lady". He's supposed to kiss her after a few dates, and hold her hand, making her feel like she's everything. Isn't that what's he's supposed to do?
Then, why did Haru have to come along and screw it up?
"What are you talking about?" Rin asked, playing dumb. He knew it wouldn't work. He's kissed Haru twice now, and ran off both times, like the coward he is. There is no way that Haru would ever accept his act of playing dumb.
No matter how much he wish that he would.
He needed Haru to play dumb. It would help him. Oh God, it would help him.
He watched as Haru frowned and took a step closer to him.
"You kissed me," Haru accused. "And then you ran. Why, Rin?"
Rin wanted to tell him.
He did.
He wanted to grab Haru's hand and pull him close and bite down on those lips of his. He wanted to push Haru down onto his bed and worship him for hours and hours. He wanted to wake up next to Haru, who would be wrapped around him, and he wanted to kiss him in the morning because Haru would have finally been his.
But that would be so rash. And Rin's learned one thing, if not anything else. He's learned what his rash actions have done.
They've done nothing but bring him pain.
The rash action to ever talk to Haru in the first place is where it all started.
The rash action to spend every worthy moment as a child with Haru (before he moved) was rash, and it was because of that.
If Rin thought about it, he supposed he had fallen for Haru years ago, but going away eased it. He wasn't aware of it. He dismissed it, calling it nothing but feelings of him missing his friends.
He just didn't know.
What exactly was he supposed to do?
"Rin?" Haru asked, inching ever so closer. His eyes were bright with confusion and determination, and Rin knew that what he would say would affect the outcome of their relationship.
He wondered what would happen if he just told him everything.
But then, the "pretty little lady" that would never exist came rushing back into his mind.
This couldn't work, Rin thought with dismay. And then Rin knew what he was going to say. It would help the both of them, and it would ensure the safety of Haru's vulnerable feelings. Because they would go back to how they acted before.
Rivals.
Friends.
Not boys in love, because Rin was sure that Haru didn't love him. It was the kisses. He was pretty sure that those kisses were Haru's first kisses, and Rin knew what the meant. It meant, that Haru was vulnerable and confused.
Just like him.
But not in the same way.
Rin knew what he wanted. Haru didn't.
So...he was doing this for Haru, right?
He wished he could believe his own lies because when he would finally admit it, he would wallow in his self-hatred for weeks. He just knew it.
"I was playing with you, Haru," Rin finally said, managing to make them sound teasing. Rin forced a smirk, and he saw it.
The utter destruction in Haru's gorgeous eyes. And then something flickered. Another spark of determination.
"You're lying," Haru stated.
"I'm not. I wanted to prove it to you, Haru. That I'm better than you, and look... I did. What? Do you like me now?" Rin smirked. He was killing himself from every word he spoke. He hated himself.
"You're lying," Haru said again, but Rin could hear the falter in his words. Rin hated himself. He was so pathetic. How could he have ever kissed Haru to confuse him so much?
"I'm not lying," Rin gritted out, trying to keep his emotions in check. It was barely working. His emotions were on the edge of a cliff, waiting to fall any second. He watched as Haru stared at him, eyes wide and lost. Rin fucking hated himself.
"But why do you feel like the water?" Haru asked, his words lowering down into nothing more than a broken whisper. Rin frowned. What did that mean? "Why do I feel free when I'm with you...?" Haru continued on to say. Rin's entire body froze.
Free.
It was what Haru lived for. No, it couldn't happen like this. It was all his fault. He should never have kissed him. He should never have seen him. He should never have come back. He should never have even met him.
It was his fault that Haru was in pain.
But it was also Haru's fault that he wasin pain.
No matter how much Rin hated himself, he continued to speak harsh words. He fucking loathed everything about himself.
"Are you still going on about that?" Rin heard himself saying. Was this him? How could he say this? It's for Haru. No, it's for him. But for Haru as well. Haru deserves someone better.
Haru deserves someone who can love him back without any restraints.
Haru deserves anyone but him.
"That's a child's fantasy. How can water make you feel free? It's just an excuse. It's a stupid excuse as to why you don't swim anything else." What was he saying? How could he say that? He could see with every word that Haru was breaking, ever so slowly.
But this was good, right?
Haru would hate him.
Haru wouldn't talk to him.
Haru would stop concerning himself with the likes of someone as pathetic as him, right?
Haru would find someone who loves him so much and someone he loves just as equally, right?
He had to believe that.
Because the words that he was saying. He could never take them back. Even if every single word was a complete lie.
"Just face it, Haru. You're pathetic. It's stupid. It's always been stupid. Why are you still clinging onto it?" Rin hated every single thing about himself. He was so selfish. He was just so selfish... "Just leave, Haru. Don't come back here trying to get me to "swim with you again". I'm not. I don't want to swim with you, someone who still clings onto a fantasy of being "free" because of fucking water. Ha! What a fucking joke," Rin laughed. He just hoped Haru couldn't tell that it was the hardest laugh he's ever had to force out. It choked him. The laugh was rude. The laugh was biting. Yet, he kept laughing.
Rin fucking hated himself.
"Okay," Haru finally mumbled out, and Rin stopped laughing. This was it. Haru hated him. He should. He hated himself too. Everything was pathetic. "I'll never come back here again. I was wrong. Goodbye, Rin."
Then, he was gone. Rin was numb. He was shaking and he crouched down, putting his head in his hands.
And then he completely broke down.
(Haru's POV)
I was playing with you, Haru.
Haru was running. He was running so fast he was afraid his legs would collapse. He couldn't breathe. He was so confused.
I'm not. I wanted to prove it to you, Haru. That I'm better than you, and look... I did. What? Do you like me now?
Haru hated crying. He promised himself a long time ago not to cry. But this time Haru was breaking his promise over and over again. It didn't make sense. He was so confused. He hated himself for even thinking that it was something.
I'm not lying.
Haru was so sure that he had been. He was so sure. But then it kept happening. The insults. The hurtful words. Each once stung him over and over again, and it scared him. Why did he come here again?
Why did he come to Rin's?
It was to receive answers.
Haru scoffed through his tears. Well, he got his answers. He didn't mean anything to Rin. He didn't even mean enough to swim with again. He's pathetic. He's stupid.
Haruka Nanase completely broke down.
(Rin's POV)
He felt numb.
He felt wrong.
He felt ashamed.
He felt pain.
He felt heartbreak.
Why couldn't his feelings go away? Why did they exist? What have they done for him? What did they do to his relationship?
He hated everything about himself.
Fuck.
(Haru's POV)
When Haru got home, he ran towards the bathroom. He ripped off his clothes and his swimsuit. He was completely bare this time. Haru couldn't remember the last time he took a bath without his swimsuit. Quickly, he filled the tub up and he sat on the toilet seat, staring at his feet in utter shock.
His eyes hurt from the dried out tears and his head was pounding. He felt so tired. He felt so stupid.
Why did he go to Rin's? Why did he question anything?
Why?
How could Rin have done such a thing to him? They were supposed to be best friends. This isn't what best friends do. He knew what best friends did. Best friends woke him up in the morning. Best friends complain to him about wearing an apron over his swimsuit and for making mackerel when they're already late for school.
Best friends didn't have an entire relationship based off of swimming.
Best friends didn't hurt each other so much.
Best friends didn't kiss each other and then run, when in the end, it wasn't the one running who was the fool, but the one chasing.
The tub was filled with water, and he got in. He watched as the water rose slightly, and Haru stiffened.
He didn't feel anything.
Where was his freedom?
What happened to it?
That's a child's fantasy. How can water make you feel free? It's just an excuse. It's a stupid excuse as to why you don't swim anything else. Rin's words echoed throughout his mind, and as Haru stared down at the water that was now just water, he started to cry again.
He hated crying. But what happened?
What happened to his freedom?
What happened?
What happened?
Haru was shaking, and he realized it was because of the water. He didn't realize until now. He didn't realize that the water he was sitting in was ice cold. Haru was shivering, hating everything that's he's done.
But he knew what happened.
Rin took it.
Rin took it and stepped all over it, crushing it into tiny pieces.
His freedom.
It was gone.
Forever.
Haru closed his eyes, and stood up. He couldn't tell what was water and what was tears now. But he knew one thing.
He could never forgive him.
He could never forgive Rin, but most of all...he could never forgive himself.
Because it was his fault.
He's the one who entrusted his freedom in Rin's hands.
It was all his fault.
*So to those who wanted them to have sex in this chapter...I am sorry it did not go at all the way you wanted. Hahaha...haha...ha...but anyways, the angst is incredibly heavy now, isn't it? Okay, well once again sorry about the long wait! I went through a phase where I was convinced that I couldn't write shit and basically it was bad, but I'm back to writing now! Yay! :)
Oh and news! To get out of my writer's slump, I wrote two rinharu one-shots like...yesterday or something. Take a peek maybe? :)
Leave a review, please?
Bai guys.
-DiAnna44
My FanFiction Facebook Page- DiannaFanFictionWriter
My Tumblr- iwannapandanamedchubs
P.S. Sorry about the length of the chapter...I should start making longer chapters soon...maybe...I don't know...*sighs* hang in there guys. :/