Hello everyone! I'm so glad to be back! It's been fun trying to remember how the story was supposed to go. Hopefully you'll enjoy this chapter as it became a personal favorite of mine to write! This story has become more of something for me than I intended it to originally be, and I'm thinking that there's going to be 26 chapters (like how the anime is 26 episodes long). I'm hoping that it can carry that far, if not, I'm thinking it'll still be in the high teens.
Also, I'd like to ask you as a reader to please review. I usually don't like asking, but I need to know what you guys think about how the story is heading and if you do or don't like it. Please send me a constructive critical review, or just tell me how you feel and why you like it or hate it. I want to know you as the reader. So please, don't be afraid to comment. At least 5 this chapter?
As to Hououza and Saturn94, I am so sorry to have left you hanging and now I hope you enjoy the story and find the wait was worth the hassle. As to Crazy Packers Fan I am glad you like it.
So on with the chapter! Enjoy - theWanderingANBU
Redemption Stage 4: Introspection, A Hope Burns Bright for the Future
He felt himself fall into the bedroom with a weightless notion. A smile across his face for the first time as the darkness began to engulf him.
"For once in my life, I can say that this is a familiar ceiling." He felt himself changing as the memories of the past swept over him. The many nights of isolation, tears and troubles that plagued him. He felt the cold sensation of the night, but brushed it aside with the warmth of the bed he had abandoned long ago. Before he knew it, he found himself asleep, now his mind was in the hands of his dreams.
A spotlight switched on, waking him to where he found himself in an unfamiliar area. Everywhere was pitch black, and the only thing lit was where he was; the chair and him.
"Where am I? What's going on here?" stammered Shinji while looking around, his eyes groping the darkness for some familiarity. Nothing, all he could see was nothing, and it caused him to fear where he was.
"You are in the subconscious of your mind, the one that helps to decide on actions with a motive you might not now. I am you of your past, a glimpse of the shadow behind you. I am the you that you call a coward, the one that runs away." Said the teenage boy lifeless while gazing into Shinji's eyes.
"Why are you here? Why do I have to go through this?" snapped Shinji with anger, a feeling of fear and rage mixing.
"You have always been a coward, afraid of others, yet you endanger them with your presence. Why? Why must you come back?" snapped the younger Shinji, interrogative and lifeless.
"Because I want to see them, I want to take care of them!" snapped Shinji, his eyes focused on the his younger self.
"You have always been the coward you claim to be, yet when you're in danger you come back? How are you helping if you decide to come back in a time of need?" said the teenage Shinji, which caused Shinji to fall back into his seat, his eyes examining what was said to see if it had flaws, "Could it be that you are looking for help? Running away from the situation into the arms of another you hope will help you?"
"That's not true! I came back to make sure they were okay too! I'm not running away again, I'm coming back!"
"Yet you see the scars you left when you ran away, and the pain you're inflicting once again on another's soul. Can't you see? You've become what you feared you would be. Someone who isn't wanted anymore." Said the teenage form of Shinji, as another light turned on with a little boy Shinji with his hand in one of his eyes wiping away the tears.
"Father left me after mother died. I was in the hands of my teacher who couldn't even treat me like a son. Do I understand the term love? Even if I have thought I have felt it before?" thought Shinji to himself as the little boy cry even more.
"Father! Father!" cried the little boy Shinji, Shinji trying to look away from it.
"I don't want to remember anymore! Please stop it! I know father left, but I have to push past that now. I want to forgive him for this!" Shinji stammered, tears swelling into his eyes.
"Yet everyday it remains in your subconscious, a drive for you to push. You feel that no one loves you, even when those words escaped your lips." Stammered another figure pushing into another spotlight. The face became familiar, and Shinji's eyes opened in horror.
"I did love you! You were the first one to accept me for who I am and not push me away! I loved you Mana, I did." Yelled Shinji in hurt from the betrayal he was feeling.
"You only thought you loved me. I gave you what you desired and pushed away; affection. You didn't love me, rather you found someone who would help you in your time of need. I became an anchor to this world, a chain that held your brain from escaping reality. You never understood love, even if you tried." Stated Mana looking back at Shinji with spiteful eyes, making Shinji cringe under her stare.
"Mana, I feel in love with you. You gave me warmth, kindness, something I felt changing me. The only thing that pushed that away was when you started to leave me alone. You BETRAYED me! You fooled me into thinking you loved me! I don't even know if you meant those words when you said before you died!" Shinji screamed, an echo permeating the room while the silence became overwhelming.
"You create a perception of reality based on events surrounding you and the opinions forming inside your mind. What you think is love might not be love in the eyes of another. How do you know if she loved you or not unless looking through her eyes? We know that you didn't love her because we are aspects of your mind, characteristics of the past that help to shape your personality and perception." Stated the Teenage Shinji, standing still in his position as if frozen in time.
"As an example, your perception is that your father never loved and just abandoned you without reason. Your perception is only known through your eyes. Do you know your father's perception of why he left you like that?" said the little boy Shinji, sniffling a little bit as Shinji watched him continue on, "Subconscious and Conscious motivations both affect an action. What you think he did physically may be right, but his subconscious spoke otherwise."
"Therefore consciously you think you loved me, when subconsciously it was because I gave you help. Shinji, you haven't loved anyone but one person, and even then you fight off acceptance." Stated Mana in a calmer tone.
"I guess I can see perception, and yes my views shape who I am and my motives. I see reality with nothing but sorrow and anger. Anger at me, and I am in the world where I deserve no love, no acceptance of others. I've created the world I fear most." Said Shinji, looking down at the ground with sadness escaping into his eyes.
"You shape perception based on what you see around you and the actions others manifest and do or create. Every little thing we do affects those around us. Whether they seem little or seem like nothing, the walls and results that come from our decisions create the world around us, in which shapes our identities. You believe that you harmed the world, you became the harbinger of destruction and chaos. Thus you ran away from the world in hopes of leaving a painful reality."
Stated the teenage Shinji staring at Shinji, still frozen in time.
"Yet there are infinite opinions on a single situation based on perception of an event. You consider the aftereffects of aborting Third Impact harmful and that people hate you, despise you and want you dead. Yet there are others who could hail you as a hero. Have you not considered the view of millions rather than believing in one absolute view?" stated Mana.
"We are in a world where free choice reigns, and we create the world around us. In a way, although perception guides us to our very actions, there is no absolute perception. Absolute beliefs, the scale of white and black, help people to limit their perception to a good or bad scenario, yet the world can be seen to be painted in gray for others." Stated little Shinji, his eyes open and smiling, "We as humans constrict our minds in hope of limiting what goes on in our world. Because of our environment and our fears, we allow things to consume our being and motivate our actions."
"Love." Stated teenage Shinji.
"Religion" stated Mana.
"Hope" stated the boy Shinji.
"Desperation" said teenage Shinji.
"Society" said Mana.
"Friends" stated teenage Shinji.
"Family" stated Little Shinji.
"Ourselves" stated teenage Shinji.
"How can that be true? My own family betrayed me and left me in the cold, no one cared for me and I still question if they do, friends were betrayed by me, I am alone in this world! I'm not with anyone nor associated as a friend! I hate being alone again!" screamed Shinji as if he were in pain, his arms covering his stomach.
"You think you're alone, but you're not. You've always had a feeling for someone you denied it to be true, and she cares for you. You are only speaking on the conscious level, but have you ever considered looking into choices and actions subconsciously?" stated the teenage Shinji.
"You believe that the world hates you, and thus everyone lies to you. You think Misato, Asuka, Touji, Kensuke, all hate you because you were abandoned so long ago. Have you ever taken the chance to love yourself and accept you for you? Once you do, your perception could be changed." Stated little Shinji, still frozen still with a smile on his face.
"Lives and who we become are based on the relationships we create and continue, that is what establishes our identity in the world. The more you deny them, the less and less you become. You allow yourself to feel tiny, and thus you yourself become nothing to the world." Stammered Mana, giving a stern look.
"What am I supposed to do? Turn back against my past? Change who I am completely and let go of the memories of my childhood? My childhood was nothing but dreadful! I was left, abandoned, and my teacher never cared for me. Sure my father left money for me with them, but I wanted the love of a parent. I want love, but what if they betray me like Mana? What if I find the woman I thought I loved but then she too betrayed me? I don't know what to think! Someone help me please!" said Shinji, tears streaming his face.
"There is one who you love, the one that you desire, yet you think she despises you, so you keep her at a distance. You thought you've changed, when in reality coming back you've fallen into a state of relapse. With her, you are still you to some degree." Stated the teenage Shinji, a figure showing behind him casted in a shadow to where he couldn't see the face. All he saw was an outline of a figure that seemed familiar.
"You've created walls to make sure she doesn't hurt you again. Yet you desire her affection. It can be seen in the actions you take." Stated Mana, a look of emptiness consuming her face.
"So if I learn to love, and allow myself to find solace in a friend or a loved one, I can find myself okay and my perception can change? I can change my view of the world, it doesn't have to stay absolute! I can make the world become the view I desire!" stated Shinji, a smile starting to form on his lips.
"Yes, your view doesn't have to stay the same, but it can change constantly over time based on actions not only by you but by others. That is the point of the existence of reality, a constant change of perception. Reality can never be absolute, but it can be changeable." Stated the little Shinji, a looking of adoration permeating his eyes as Shinji continued to smile.
"I don't have to feel like a coward. Maybe I was once before, but now I can change. I can remember the past, but I can work past it. I don't have to run away anymore! I'm not anymore! I'm finally the me I want to be!" stated Shinji, a smile of happiness on his face, "I can make the world what I want it to be! I can live in a world that accepts me. I understand now, I can finally live my life the way I wanted to!"
"Then allow the beast that once shouted I to the heart of the world to shout he exists again. Become who you believe you are."
He woke up in a cold sweat, the darkness of the room slowing showing some light entering through the bottom crack of the door.
Smells from what seemed like cooking breached the door and gave Shinji a whiff of it. A question of curiosity hung about it. Was it going to be a meal that he could eat? He remembered Misato trying to cook and well…the result was two people barfing and one angry Misato. As for Asuka, she cooked good food…but it was foreign and had an odd taste and texture for it.
"Can't you see I'm actually following a recipe this time! I'm doing just as the instructions say!" screams the voice of Misato, Shinji had an idea. With a sigh, he got up ready to face the world. When he opened the door, the light came in, and it bore a lighter feeling. This time, he was ready to face the world because he knew he wasn't alone. His world was filled with the love of others and thus it was a world he could finally love.
--Gendo --
"Gendo, you have a guest who claims she was told to see you." Said a man entering Gendo's office. Gendo looked up, giving a signal that told the man that it was okay. The man nodded, walking away as another figure walked into the place. A smile on his face as he saw who it was.
"Everything is going as planned for Ikari and Asuka." The figure stated in a monotone voice, Gendo's smiling increasing.
"Good, everything is going as planned then. Thank you for keeping up on the job. Is he still the same way he was pre-Third Impact?" asked Gendo with a calm and collective manner.
"Hai, from what I've seen he is the same Ikari as he was when he first joined Nerv. Vulnerable and easy in what you were hoping." Stated the figure while standing still and feeling lifeless in their words.
"Then we can continue with the way things are planned. Good job and keep up the good work. We need you to make sure that he is not touched until the time has come. However, you can have spies watching him, making sure to track his moves. Contact me if anything changes, because then the scenario must be altered to fit. Thank you."
"Hai, thank you commander. I will keep on my task." Stated the figure, walking off into the shadows. Gendo sat, turning around his chair to face the back. There, in the window he could see the work of his workers' labor and what they had created. A smile etched onto his face as he stood up with his menacing smile.
"Soon, redemption will be found in my hands. I will be the beacon of what humanity is meant to be."
--Unknown--
"So it seems that SEELE has become obsolete…" stammered one voice with a calm and collected rage.
"All that was once the powerful organization has crumbled under the hands of one boy; all the agencies around the world have been destroyed…" yelled another with fury that could strike anyone dead.
"Even half of the main leaders have either been killed or have no access to SEELE at all, the organization has been doomed…" stated another with indifference.
"However, it seems that they had another way of creating and initiating Third Impact…" stated a fourth voice, a box appearing for it like the other three.
"SEELE may be destroyed, but it's values and beliefs are still powerful and followed by its followers…" proudly stated a fifth voice.
"Yet that is of no point to us. Not only was it the boy who destroyed SEELE, but Gendo Ikari is to blame." Stated the sixth and final voice with disappointment.
"Yet, within the records of SEELE, there was a theory that proposed an alternative way of Initiating Third Impact." Stated the fourth voice with stress.
"Can we use that to re-initiate the "Human Completion Project" then?" stated the first voice, becoming the leader of the group.
"With what it states, it would be impossible unless we had a bright scientist in our hands." Stated the fourth voice with a little anguish and guilt.
"And even then it seems that it will be a daunting task, but how will we start this?" asked the Third with curiosity.
"The only mind who could do this seems to be missing as of now. Her records indicate she's moved from Japan to America." Stated the fourth voice back.
"We must find her, and we must complete the task at hand." Stated the third, the box disappearing.
"Let us complete what was once started." The second one stated, the box also disappearing.
"Mankind will become one once again." Stated the first, and with a cue, the rest of the boxes disappeared.
--School Next Day--
"Why do I worry about her as much as I do? It feels so different…" Shinji thought to himself as he took a brief glimpse of the red-haired girl, "I don't understand what it is…or what drives me towards this feeling. Not even with Mana did I feel this way…" he continued to think as he tuned out the world. Suddenly, for a brief moment he enters back into reality…
"And thus the world was saved by the pilot of Unit 01 from destruction…and he died saving us all…"
"I can't believe the government made up that lie…I didn't save the world…I became its messenger of death…" thought Shinji, his eyes becoming lifeless. A pain deep inside surfaced as his eyes expressed the inner anguish and guilt he felt as he recalled the memories of it. He looked at Asuka once again, and immediately he was drawn back into that moment in time where she…
He felt like he was going to be sick…
He looked around the room with his lifeless eyes scanning the room. He continued to look until he found two orbs looking at him with sympathy and comfort. He stared at her, until he came back from the wound he felt to find Asuka looking at him. As soon as she noticed him, she gave him her typical "angry" look, turning around to face the board with a "hmph" sound.
"Maybe, maybe I can at least become her friend. I don't understand how I feel for her at this point anymore. Did I love her? Like her? I only existed because I felt my existence never reached outside of EVA…and yet…maybe I can find myself in her, and find a reason to break away from my outer walls." thought Shinji with a smile reaching across his face as he stared out into nothing.
"I can be who I feared to be, and I realize that I now don't have to be afraid. I'm tired of being afraid!" Shinji continued thinking, until the bell rang and snapped Shinji once again back into reality.
For the walk home, Shinji was silent and contemplating, causing Asuka to become increasingly frustrated at the Third Child. Finally, when they got home, Shinji began to talk.
"Asu-," began Shinji with a calm and collected tone.
"Oh now you talk baka! What took -," continued Asuka until Shinji interrupted.
"Look Asuka, I need to talk to you about something important and it requires you listening.." continued Shinji, which sent Asuka into a snap.
"You think I don't listen to you? How dare you interrupt me!" snapped Asuka, which sent Shinji into a mini rage.
"You know what Asuka, forget it, I'm not going to deal with this anymore." He walked away from her and into his room. Asuka stood there shocked at the ordeal, shocked that he had backbone and shocked at how he took control. She for the first time felt alone and…hurt. She wasn't used to someone hurting her for a long time.
Finally, at night, Asuka couldn't take it anymore. Shinji had been in his room the whole time and it seemed like he wasn't coming out. With a heavy sigh that gave away defeat, Asuka walked towards his room. However, as she started to get closer to his room, she heard a rusty and sometimes sharp but beautiful sound escape Shinji's doors. Asuka stopped for a moment to listen as he continued to play.
Carefully, she opened the door without a sound and watched as he allowed himself to become one with the instrument. He began to play a haunting and sad melody that began to parallel with her emotions as she felt guiltier from the mood of the song. Finally, she couldn't take it, so she began something she had never pictured herself doing.
"Shinji?" stammered Asuka with a humble and quiet voice. Shinji stopped but didn't turn around, which made Asuka cringe at the cold shoulder.
"I'm sorry about earlier Shinji, I shouldn't have done that to you…" stammered Asuka, a light blush illuminating her cheeks.
"Asuka it's—wait…did you just say I--," continued Shinji, until Asuka interrupted him.
"I did baka! But it's one of the only times you'll ever hear me say that…so don't blow it…" stated Asuka, a silence created between the two. The silence continued on, until Asuka couldn't take it.
"So you got back into the cello then?" asked Asuka as she saw Shinji's eyes light with passion.
"Yeah…except the strings are rusty and it needs a little touch up to help restore it, otherwise I wanted to get back into it. I'm surprised I still remember that…" stated Shinji in a proud-like manner, which Asuka started to feel herself smile.
"You know Shinji, in some ways you haven't changed a bit…"
"What do you mean?"
"You still know how to play beautiful music with that
"Thanks Asuka…" stammered Shinji, causing Asuka to blush. Both looked away, a more comfortable silence built between the two.
"Asuka, there's something I wanted to ask you." said Shinji with a serious tone replacing the calm tone from the past conversation.
"What is it Shinji?" asked Asuka with a kind but wondering tone, sitting down on his bed as he put the cello down to face her.
"I've been afraid for a long time to do anything for myself because I was afraid I would lose that or that would cause more people to hate me. My whole life I felt I was alone, lost in the dark because of my mother dying and my father abandoning me. My whole life felt like it had no purpose to exist, and therefore I felt that no one would love me. Now, I feel even more hated because I piloted the EVA. I felt as if I didn't deserve anything because I almost doomed mankind to extinction, and I still feel that wound seared inside no matter what I do…" Shinji stated, his eyes becoming the lifeless ones Asuka noticed in class.
"Shinji…look you maybe baka Shinji, but no one hates you. In fact, you're hailed as a hero for saving mankind, not dooming it. You didn't do anything, you have nothing to feel bad for…" continued Asuka, Shinji cutting her off.
"I was a coward Asuka! I felt like the world needed to die because no one loved me. Then I realized that I didn't want to harm you or Misato or Rei or anyone…Asuka, what I did has harmed the world and also saved it. I'm the messenger of death to the world, and yet they still hail me as a hero. I feel as if being called a hero is an insult Asuka, because I live in a world where I've been afraid of losing my identity and reason to exist as an EVA pilot but at the same time feared that if I allowed anyone to become attached to me, I would lose them or they would abandon me…"
"Shinji, you won't be. You've got Misato, Wondergirl, the Stooges…you have friends Shinji who care for you. You aren't the messenger of death baka, but you are a hero…"
Shinji looked up at her, a smile of warmth permeated the lips. Asuka felt herself smiling, wondering why she was.
"Asuka, I want to change what I am and who I used to be. I realize that I can start over new. So I wanted to ask you Asuka something major, something important to me."
"Say it already baka! What is it?"
"Asuka, I don't know how I feel about you or what's going to happen in the future. But what I can say though is that I do like you and care for you. Asuka, I want to know if you would be my friend?" asked Shinji with a worried look on his face. Asuka took a moment to look at him, and then let out a laugh of hysteria.
"What's so funny Asuka? Did I say something wrong?" asked Shinji with a worried look on his face. Asuka stopped laughing and looked at him.
"Shinji I can't believe you asked me that question! That was a stupid question…" stated Asuka with a laugh.
"I'm sorry Asuka…" stammered Shinji, reverting back to his old self.
"Anta Baka? Don't be sorry, it's just not many people ask that question anymore. But Shinji…" said Asuka, Shinji looking up at her with defeat and sadness.
"Yes Asuka?"
"I'll be your friend Shinji. After all, I'll be the first girl besides Wondergirl to be a friend of yours."
A smile grew on Shinji's face.
"Thanks Asuka."
And for the first time, there was a true bond between the two, and a connection that had begun to manifest itself.
For the first time, the beast that shouted "I" at the heart of the world, and the lonely girl had genuinely smiled.
And in a world full of pain, they've found solace within each other.