This is pure, unfiltered Crack with a capital C...lmao

This was a possible OC story I was throwing around where girl wants Dante, Dante's not interested, and somehow ends up being a triangle when Vergil finds something to blackmail her with...lmao Dunno where my mind was with this one, but it's been sitting untouched for about a year. This is kind of a tribute to the crazy fan girls...lmao

Of course the girls name is one you would be familiar with if you've read my Complete Lunacy stories. I could've made one up, but I've already established in CL that Kirie is in fact, off her rocker insane. And that was what I was going for... craazzyyy.

Anywhoo enjoy! Oh, and the name is not like Nero's Kyrie (Keereeay) but Kirie (keeree) from Fatal Frame? Got it? Good.

Untitled

He had been sleeping on the couch with the mid day sun coming through the windows of Devil May Cry. Dust particles could be seen through the ray of light coming down in circular waves to land here and there. It was peacefully quiet, with the sweltering June heat waiting just outside his front door. He wanted none of it today. Today he wanted a break. He had told Vergil if he was given a day off he would finally do some maintenance around the place. Clean his weapons, fix the leaky faucet in the kitchen, and get his bike tuned.

Instead he had stayed up all night playing video games, and most of the day either sleeping in his bed or now on the couch with the TV humming some news in the background. He was lying on his stomach, face shoved sideways into a pillow, and not really sleeping. He was doing that idle day dreaming people sometimes do in between the realm of awake and asleep. Fully conscious of his surroundings and every little noise, just not caring about any of it.

He heard the door knob rattle then turn before the front door slowly opened. Dante wasn't at ill ease just yet, no. It wasn't until the normal tinkle of the bell above the door didn't sound before the door closed that he knew something was wrong. Only one person who knew about that bell would try sneaking in without alerting others to their presence.

He went to jump up, but was tackled to the couch.

"Miss me?" A chipper voice asked.

"NO! Get off now!" He growled as he tried to pry her arms from around him. She had laid her head down on his chest and wrapped two strong arms around him.

"But I'm comfortable!" She said in a disappointed voice.

"Every day you come in here glomming onto me, and every day I tell you I'm not interested." Dante growled as he pushed on her shoulders. "When are you gonna take the hint?!"

"When the hint is more to my liking," she smirked before moving down and nuzzling her face into his stomach. She lifted his shirt and blew a playful raspberry against his skin. He twitched and couldn't hold in the laughter as she caught his ticklish spot.

"S-stop it Kirie! I'll kill ahahahahahaha!" He laughed as she sat up and laid into his stomach full force with her hands.

"See? You do love me," she purred with a grin.

"N-not a chance girly," he breathed as he smirked up at her. "Go home already!"

"Yes, do go home."

Both turned at the flat voice to find Vergil standing on the stairs gazing down at the two of them. Dante looked relieved, but Kirie only glowered at him.

"Kirie." Vergil said nodding his head in her direction.

"Vergy," she replied with a manic gleam in her eyes.

"Vergy?" He scowled as he walked down towards them, an eye raised as it looked at her.

"It's a vast improvement to what she usually calls you." Dante said calmly, still laying on the couch under the girl. Kirie eyed Vergil as if he were the enemy standing in between her and her intended prey.

"What, you mean Vir..." Kirie began, but Vergil moved lightning quick down the remaining stairs to cover her mouth with his hand, his eyes darkening. He could feel her grin underneath his palm as she stared up at him defiantly. Then she actually had the nerve to lick it. He pulled it away quickly looking at her disgusted.

"Let you out of the lunatic asylum early, did they?" He growled as he wiped his hand with his handkerchief.

"OH!" She suddenly chimed, turning back to Dante, ignoring Vergil, and slapping her hands onto his chest. He let out a groan. "That's right! While molesting you is always tempting I actually have a reason for being here!" Dante groaned and rolled his eyes before covering them. "You feeling all right?"

"It would help me breath a lot better if I didn't have a psychotic girl on my abdomen," he said passively with a long sigh. She blinked at him before standing up, then sitting down when he moved his feet off the couch. He sat up just next to her rubbing his eyes. "OK Kirie, we seriously need to have a chat about all this."

"Later, I gotta talk to you about something else," she cut in dismissively. Vergil gave a snort of derisive laughter. She turned and looked pointedly at him. "Don't you have someone else to annoy?"

"No, I'm quite content where I am, but I thank you for your concern."

With that Vergil quite literally fell on the couch between the two. Kirie breathed in deep like a raging bull ready to attack. Dante stretched an arm over his brother and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Right... I need a place to stay...," she said looking back at Dante.

"No." Both Vergil and Dante said at the exact same time without so much as a twitch of emotion.

"You didn't even hear me out!" Kirie protested looking from one to the other.

"She thinks we're gonna listen to her Dante!" Vergil laughed with an evil smirk.

"One of these days Vergil, you're gonna regret ever being mean to me," she said darkly before leaning over Vergil's stomach to cut him out of the conversation.

"Do you mind?" He groaned when she "accidentally" leaned an elbow into his stomach.

"Dante please! I'm begging you! Just for a month! Long enough for me to find a new place." Kirie begged him, ignoring Vergil completely in favor of being close to Dante.

Dante eyed her closely. He had met this odd girl three months back. He was on his way home from a mission when he saw her waiting for the last bus of the evening, and had felt kind of bad for her. He knew all too well what lurked in the dark of night, and she had been standing in the cold still clinging in late March.

He pulled up and asked her if she wanted a ride, to which she abruptly took out the small mace on her keychain and held it up defensively. He had laughed at her total seriousness of the situation and often wondered what might've been different if she had sprayed him with it. Instead he talked her down and into the warmth of his car.

The rest of the night was blurry, but he knew he had talked his way into her apartment and into her bed. Everything went as usual, and before she woke or he even knew her name he was sneaking out of her room to head back to the shop. He always wondered if he had accidentally left a card behind by accident, because somehow he woke at Devil May Cry to find the girl snuggling with him in bed...

Her persistence was unmatched. She had been back daily to try and attack him when she thought his guard was down. She had told him countless times that she loved him and was determined to win him over. Yet time and time again he told her to buzz off to no avail.

Normally he probably would've done the world a favor and killed her. She was clingy, needy, and eternally trying to bed him. He couldn't harm her though, because he owed her one. The "pizza mafia" as he began calling them were ready to break knees, or refuse to give him any more pizza until his debt was paid. One night while he was talking with a pimple faced pizza boy, who was threatening him with non-threatening things, Kirie had come walking in. She looked disappointed when she realized she had come in and not caught him off guard. Now she would have to do it the hard way. Dante realized quickly she hated the hard way.

Rather than attack him, pull him to the ground, and greeting him with a polite tickling she listened as pizza boy number 35, who replaced number 34 for his lack of ability to get Dante to pay, threaten Dante.

"How much does he owe?" She inquired sweetly.

"$2,389.46, plus tax and back tips of about a thousand," the pizza boy said reading off his tiny clip board smugly. Kirie laughed and Dante glared at her.

"Let me get this straight. Your pizza place let him run up a $3,000 plus bill without cutting him off previous? Having waited this long I'm surprised you can even demand payment anymore. Technically speaking you should've followed standard procedure and sent him to collections. Instead you didn't report it because you know that collections won't demand the tip fee. Not to mention it would make your company look bad and quite frankly stupid for allowing an obvious con artist to bilk you out of thousands of dollars of pizza..." Kirie said in practically one breath. Dante and the pizza guy just stared at her.

"Listen here boy, you go tell your boss that he either sends this debt to collections or I'll have my brother, who is a really good attorney, find a way to make the entire debt go away. And maybe if you cut the debt down to the back tips only I might not have to say one word of this to anyone... you got me?" She grinned at him. He blinked at her, looked at Dante, and then down at his clip board.

"We'll be in touch," he responded slowly as if trying to process the information and failing miserably before turning and heading to go out the front door slamming it behind him.

"Dude..." Dante said before whistling. "That was cool." He grinned looking at her. "I had no idea you had an attorney for a brother."

"Me neither," she said shrugging. "If I did though, he would be like Phoenix Wright. Only less nerdy. Ok, maybe a little nerdy."

"Phoenix... wha?" Dante asked giving her an odd look. "You are crazy, aren't you?"

"Crazy for you my dear," she quipped giving him a quick peck on the cheek. "So what do I get for helping you out?"

"We'll wait and see if your little spiel even worked. Then we'll talk."

It had worked though. Antonio's apparently was about as dumb as their pizza boy, because they agreed to Kirie's terms and only asked he pay for the tips to keep things hush hush, and even allowed him to pay it back in installments. Reluctantly Dante had asked her what she wanted in return, expecting the worst.

"I want a favor, but I don't want to ask for it now. I want to save it for later."

That had been her response, and he didn't know if he should be relieved or ill at ease. She could ask a favor of him, and yet it had been two months since the pizza incident and she asked for nothing. Only stole into Devil May Cry when it suited her and harassed him. He eventually put the bell on the door to alert him someone was coming in. She had managed to find a way to get past that too...

Here was another opportunity for her to ask her favor. She could demand he let her stay with him for a month and he couldn't have said no even if he wanted to. He always kept his word... except when it came to paying the greedy pizza boys.

So now he was staring at her, almost trying telepathically to make her use her favor so they could end this and he wouldn't have to walk on eggshells wondering when she might spring her request on him. She only smirked back at him, pushing some of his bangs out of the way admiringly.

"Are you two quite finished?" Vergil growled, still being used as a leaning board. She rolled her eyes and crawled over Vergil, causing Dante to fall backwards with her hugging him again. Vergil pushed her legs off and stood, straightening his clothes. "Don't you dare give in Dante!" He warned, pointing a finger at his twin. "If you say yes now, you'll never be rid of her!"

"I wouldn't be a burden I swear! I'll clean, cook, answer the phones for you and even do your laundry! Just please let me stay a while." Kirie pleaded again, hugging him around his neck. Dante laid beneath her with a resigned look. "I have no where else to go," she continued, and this time her voice had lost some of its chime. She had her face buried in her shoulder though, so he couldn't see if her tone was genuine.

"Dante." Vergil said in a warning tone as he looked eye to eye down at Dante from his position standing by the couch.

"Please," she whispered.

"No more than a month." Dante said, before getting clipped on the chin by her head as she sat up to attack him. "And NO more attacking me!" He growled as he tried to push her away. He got her at arms length from him, and she just lay all her weight into his hands, smiling down charmingly at him at an odd angle.

"Love you Dante," she said.

"You are both idiots." Vergil said disgusted by them both as he turned to leave the room.

"Oh be quiet Virgin." Kirie responded mockingly. Vergil stopped dead cold in his tracks and turned to stare at the girl.

"I'll kill you..." he hissed. It made Kirie jump up over the back of the couch as Vergil lunged himself at her, chasing her around as she ducked in and out of the furniture squealing for protection from Dante, who only sighed annoyed. A full month of this and surely he would go stark raving mad...

--

Whatever he had been thinking at the exact moment he had agreed to letting her stay was quickly forgotten the moment she moved in. She came only with a single duffle bag, explaining the rest of her things were in storage long before she came to him. Apparently she had been having some serious issues with her landlord and had been sleeping in her car for the last two weeks. Of course down the street from Devil May Cry, this explained how she got there so quickly all the time.

He hadn't thought at the time what letting her move in would do to his social life. For the first few days she was pretty quiet, working until late which allowed things to flow as normal during the day. She was even up before he was, and he always found a plate of cooked breakfast sitting in the oven to keep warm until he rolled out of bed. He admitted he hadn't had breakfast since he was a kid, preferring to grab an apple on his way out or leftover cold pizza from the night before. It was kinda nice...

True to her word she helped out around the building as well. He just wondered when she managed to do it all considering he rarely saw her. Then the weekend came and apparently she had those off, which he found out the hard way.

That Saturday night he brought home a svelte beauty who said her name was Lana. He figured since he hadn't seen Kirie yet that day that she was working until late again. So when his companion practically mauled him on the couch he had no worries except how he'd get her to leave once the fun was over.

Next thing he knew he felt eyes on him and as he opened one of his to gaze around Lana he saw Kirie standing still in the kitchen doorway.

"Oh!" She exclaimed cheerfully. A little too cheerfully. "I'm so sorry! How embarrassing!" She giggled and Dante was thinking she might do something. "I'll get out of your way."

She actually went to the stairs though seeming as if she had full intentions of leaving them be. Odd...

"Oh Dante. I almost forgot your messages. Two job opportunities are on the desk on those sticky notes, just call them back. Lady wants you to call her. Also your doctor called and said to apply the cream twice daily to the infected area and to not sit for extended periods of time. Your ex called to asking something about child support? All the numbers are on the desk, night!"

Lana froze over him with a wide eyed look of horror, before slapping him and pulling her dress up.

"Hey!" Dante growled as he went to go after her. When she was already out the door Dante turned to where Kirie had been to see her nowhere to be found. He was in a foul mood after that and rather than coming near him to aggravate the situation she steered clear of him. Yet if she were angry she didn't show it in action. Breakfast was still waiting for him Sunday morning.

"I told you you'd regret it," Vergil said slightly amused at hearing what she did.

"I was so close to getting laid!" Dante whined as he sat back in his chair, unable to look at the food before him.

After taking a shower he retreated to his room to get dressed. He firmly locked the door behind him and dropped his towel. Before it even hit the ground he heard an 'oof' and a thud followed by the jingling of hangers coming from his closet. He quickly grabbed the towel back up and pulled the closet door open.

"Hello." Kirie said meekly.

"Out!" He growled as he pulled her from his closet to stand guiltily in his bedroom. "What are you doing?"

"Peeping," she responded matter of factly.

"You're not even going to deny it are you?"

"Why should I deny it? What else would a girl be doing in your closet? Would you believe me if I said I was looking for something to wear?"

He pursed his lips at her and huffed.