WARNING: M RATING
Chapter Nine: Change My Needs-Day 30
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I don't know what I am doing—That's a lie actually, I am testing a theory-It's just an insane one that anyone in their right mind wouldn't attempt—then again it's been a LONG time since I've been in a right state of mind.
I mean this could only go one of two ways, either I was proven right and I proceed from there with the next insane portion of my plan OR I am wrong and well-I die.
Nothing new.
I lean against the hallway wall staring down her door, I have no doubt she knows I am here—or has an idea someone is here but she is her so she will cockily go about her business until I interrupt.
Looking down over myself I smirk, sweat pants, gym shoes and a formfitting white tee shirt to round it all off—the form fitting part wasn't part of my 'ready for a fight' attire—I just didn't have very many sporty clothes. There is a sense of amusement to be had here that I actually dressed according for this but then again I didn't get into confrontation that wasn't of the verbal kind, it wasn't like it mattered whether or not your pants were obstructive to fluid movements if you were in a debate about supply orders for the lab.
Taking a deep breath I force myself to go forward, pushing the door open which of course is open because why would SHE lock it.
The entire space it dark, just the street and moon light coming in from the glass doors—I see her shape though standing by the bed—watching me.
"Bout damn time Doctor, thought I was going to have to take a nap or something." I don't say anything, just watch as she steps out from the shadows. "Oooh, I didn't know we were role playing. What are you supposed to be, Sporty Spice?"
"You weren't very funny when you were you—dipping your toes into insanity hasn't helped."
"You are going to judge my sense of humor?" she laughs coldly coming to stand in the middle of the floor, she is waiting for me to meet her-she knows why I am here. "Now that is rich."
"Are we really going to do this?" I ask, heavy steps as I begin coming half way to meet her but stop several feet before.
"Just waiting for you love."
"Don't call me that."
"Oooh, so tough. Not only are we playing sporty we're playing tough too?" wiggle of the eyebrows. "Wet dream come to life."
"Who said anything about playing?" there is something in my voice that catches her attention.
"Oh, you are actually here for a fight? You actually think you can take me?" another cold laugh filling the space as she looks around. "Please tell me I am being Punk'd right now."
"You don't know me anymore."
"I will always know you Lauren."
"Prove it." I take a deep breath and hold it as I close the distance to arm's length.
"Ladies first, kitty."
"Don't do me any favors."
"Suit yourself." Words barely finishing before her fist shot out and would've clipped me in the jaw if it wasn't for lightening quick reflexes I wasn't completely aware I had.
Each of us threw fierce blows but neither seemed to be able to solidly connect—maybe lack of actual trying. For several minutes we fought with deadly intent, but no one was able to give ground.
One punch which I thought for sure was going to miss hit her temple knocking her back a bit but reacting on instinct-or with intent-she spins around leg extending, foot landing against my ribs throwing me down onto the floor with a loud thud.
"Little off your game tonight?" I ask through labored breaths looking up at not only her hesitance toward continuing but at the blood trickling down from her temple. "Or is this really what you are capable of when not being aided by someone who is actually of some worth?"
She lifts leg to kick me, the comment getting to her but again, it's too slow and too wide—so halfhearted. I grab her foot, twisting it with just enough force and quickness that she does this little spin before landing down on the floor with me.
Extending my foot connecting with her ribs preventing her from getting back up, the second time though she is able to get up—stumbling a bit allowing just enough time for me to get up.
I was working off of two simple facts, one being intuition-I may not know how to fight but apparently my body is well aware of how to defend itself. Two, if I was going to actually test my theory I needed to push her-actually push her to where I know she has slipped from control.
"Is this the best you can do?" I take a sharp breath, my ribs hurting beyond reason. "Really?" I chuckle a bit. "Tell me, did you have help when you took Evony down or did she just lay down and surrender—she tends to like the rough stuff." I smirk seeing the twinge of anger pull at her resolve.
She looks so angry now, breaths heavy as her eyes narrow—well I wanted her pissed didn't I?
I'm not sure what actually got her, the insult of her skills? The mention of Evony? The mention of me knowing what exactly Evony likes in bed and the implication then I went along with it? Or was it my lack of emotion that she was always so desperate to see.
Another smirk on my lips, I was doing a good job at hiding my true emotions at the moment.
I was doing a good job at hiding the hurt—physical and emotional. I was doing a good job at hiding the pain-different level of hurt. I was doing a good job at hiding the grief and sense of loss. I was doing a good job at hiding the love I still felt.
For a moment we just stand here staring at one another, the moon light shining in on us through the curtain covered glass. I know what I need to do. I need to further this—I need to push it to a breaking point—all this was, was an experiment.
A means to an end.
I wasn't afraid if I was wrong, I wasn't afraid of death—actually in some morbid way I was warming to the idea. Honestly our options at any end weren't looking up and death seemed like the best and easiest road at the moment—but no, that wasn't what scared me.
I wasn't even technically afraid if I was right—if I was right and what I would have to do next. I knew how to make the hard decisions for the greater good—I always have no matter the personal coast.
What scared me was that these feelings—the ones I was so sure were dead and gone-weren't so dead and gone.
What scared me was that just staring at her now, even in this moment I find myself looking past the cold, murderous, vastness in her eyes.
What scared me was that looking at her now I see a ghost.
What scared me was that this tiny voice in the back of my mind continues to whisper if I win-maybe I can bring HER back to me.
I needed to win this, I needed to know that I could still manipulate her to a degree that I had some hold on her-I needed this for my plan to save the day-I know this.
So why am I now staring at not a killer, not a monster but a ghost of the woman I love begging me to bring her back.
"Tell me something Lauren," she takes a step to the side. "Answer me honestly, do you try and differentiate me from the Bo you remember?"
"Differentiate? Big word, you finally figure out what a dictionary is?"
"Testy—testy." She smirks, another step.
"I'll answer you, if you answer me."
"Quid pro quo, I like it."
"Sometimes, sometimes I think about it as the demon inside has just taken over, possessed the woman I knew and other times I think you were just weak and gave in—either way the woman I knew is long gone." I swallow at the pain of my words. "Your turn."
"Ask away—open book."
"Does it bother you that even with everything you're capable of, everything you've done you are still just as much as a slave to your love for me as you were the day we met?"
The amusement leaves her face as my question seemingly strikes closer to home than I would ever imagined—ever hoped it would.
Fury burning brightly in her dark eyes, she takes another step the side. "It doesn't bother me—because it isn't true."
"What happened to being truthful Bo?" Seeing that I have her on the defense I proceed. "Seems like it bothers you to me."
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Really? Because something tells me I have never been more right anything in my life. See I thought you were just insane, obsessed, lustful-you are all of those things but I was underestimating how much—I wasn't considering the possibility that you were actually still in love with me."
"Shut up."
"It doesn't matter whether I believe something has taken over the woman I knew or if you've just became something disgusting—you are still owned by your love for me."
"I AM NOT OWNED BY ANYONE!" she yells, control wavering.
"Let's be honest Bo you were never free, a prisoner of your nature or your indecisions—of your love for me and our memories. Tell me is it that you just still feel it or are you longing for the feeling of who you were then too?"
She comes to a complete stand still, eyes flashing blue—I wanted this.
"You think you have a hold on me?"
"I know I do—you've admitted it."
"Whatever pathetic lingering of interest I have in you I can easily get rid of."
"You know just as well as me that, that is a lie." I hiss, my own anger building—maybe it was my anger deciding to hide my pain.
"Is it—or do you just hope it is? Are you praying that because no matter what you've told them all—you still love me. Key word being you." Her icy smirk growing. "Do you want to know what I know Lauren? I know that despite how you play the victim at every turn you are far colder than any of us, oh I know the things you've done. All of those little sins you raked up on your little running spree. You have no place to judge what I've done."
"You know nothing about that."
"Mm-hm," she throws her head back letting out a laugh. "Same old Lauren, I bet you even think you're playing the hero now, right? Here on some self-sacrificing mission? Came because you thought I wouldn't kill you and that would give you the advantage?" her smirk turning into a smile, something in her eyes changing. "Keep dreaming, kitty."
I refused to show her it hurt so I just clench my jaw tightly, I knew she was lying—I think I know she is lying.
It doesn't really matter—I have a single goal and I made peace with what the consequences would be—either way.
Moments like this I wish I would have asked her to teach me self-defense—back when she was actually her.
"Don't do it." She warns—she knows what I'm thinking-she always seems to know what I am thinking.
If I still had any faith left I think this would be the place where I said a prayer-but I don't, so prayer less, faithless and mostly hopeless I lunge at her again.
She was expecting it but I still manage to get a hold of her face, she grabs my sides throwing me down on the ground.
A cold laugh as she moves atop of me, another series of laughs as I panic and desperately try pushing her off me—her hands fighting with mine.
I can't be exactly sure what happens next—I think I hurt her, I mean actually hurt her somehow and that combined with her hurt pride—her need to prove her humanity is gone she hits me- actually hits me with much more force than before.
Again—and again-it hurts but the shock keeps me somewhat numb.
There is a fourth time but this time it's not as hard and despite the fear I look up to face her.
She looks-scared-remorseful-sick-disgusted—terrified.
Her eyes—their dark but they are not vast—there is a trace of HER behind them.
Her hands move to my shoulders as she just stares at me—her body beginning to tremble ever so slightly.
There are tears welling in her eyes—actual tears.
"Lauren—" she pushes herself off me falling onto her ass, she uses her feet and hands to push herself back till she hits the bed.
I sit up before eventually moving onto my knees just studying her, what game was this?
Against better judgment I crawl over beside her, reaching out I go to cup her cheek but she sort of jerks away. Hesitating only a moment I do this again but ignore her hesitation and force her to look at me.
Tears still there but never falling.
"Lauren?" she lets out, voice breaking.
What is this—what game?
She latches onto my neck, breathing labored—I don't move.
It's maybe a minute like this and then finally she begins to pull back slowly, her cheek grazing mine as she does.
She doesn't pull back completely; keeping her face a few inches away from mine. When I meet her eyes I can see tears already beginning to fall. Without realizing it, my thumb is wiping them away and she looks so vulnerable, I don't think I had ever seen her this vulnerable before.
What was happening?
I don't know for how long we just stare into each other's eyes before I feel her lips on mine, those soft lips that I had kissed countless times before, but this was new, this felt like if we were kissing for the very first time. I try to pull back but I can't. My body always reacted to her, no matter the situation she just had a pull on me, but did I still have a pull on her?
I guess we were gonna find out.
Before I know it, she's sitting on the bed and I'm straddling her, my hands on the back of her neck keeping her in place. Our kisses quickly become rougher, tongues fighting for dominance as I start moving my hips against her, pulling soft moans from her that I drown with my mouth, biting her bottom lip before pulling away.
"Lauren". Her tone letting me know it was a warning. I pull back and all I can see in her eyes is icy blue. She looks scared. But I don't feel fear, I had seen her eyes like that many times, this was MY Bo.
Wait—my Bo?
I pin her on the bed and I see her close her eyes.
"Look at me Bo". I order and she complies. I spread her legs with my knee which pulls another moan from her. That should let her know who is in control here, and it's not her.
I make her sit up as I lift the top over her head, leaving goosebumps on every inch of skin my fingertips graze as I do so. I smirk as I realize she is not wearing a bra—did that mean no panties either?
Biting my lip at the thought I make her lie down again, immediately placing kisses on her neck, my hands pinning hers against the sheets, fingers intertwined.
I start lowering my mouth until I am kissing in between her chest, my hands moving down to each breast, thumbs teasing her nipples, feeling them harden under my touch, pinching them, a little harder each time—guess she still likes it that way.
I take her left nipple with my mouth, a moan escaping my lips. I always loved the taste of her skin. Running my tongue over the tip I flick it a couple of times before sucking it, biting it once it's inside my mouth and tracing circles around it with my tongue, all of this making her moan louder, her hands going to my hair, pulling with each of my movements.
Sitting up next to her I unbutton her pants and start pulling them down her body—no panties indeed. I have a hard time as they're so tight, I have to admit, I loved her in leather but it was always a bitch taking her pants off, glad I'm wearing sweats.
Once I finish my task I meet her eyes, she is giving me a hungry look and I start taking my own shirt off. I lift it over my head and waste no time before I unhook my bra, smirking as I see her lick her lips, never breaking eye contact as I toss it on the floor.
I pull down my pants along with my panties and lie down on top of her, both of us moaning at the feeling of our naked bodies together, my thigh rubbing against her center, which allows me to feel her wetness as her thigh does the same to me—no one made me as wet as Bo did.
"Good to know I can still make you dripping wet". I whisper in her ear before biting her lobe, making her shiver at my words while my hand massages her breast, fingers tracing circles around her hard nipple.
My hand starts trailing down her body until it reaches her center. I can't help but moan when I can feel completely how wet she is for me, how wet I can make her in minutes—in seconds.
"Fuck, Lau—Lauren". She lets out in between moans, opening her legs wider for me as my fingers start rubbing up and down, parting her lips and teasing her entrance, letting one fingertip slip inside just barely, enough to make her lift her hips, wanting me to go all the way, but I don't, which earns me a groan from her.
I can't help but smirk. I knew what drove her crazy, I had gotten to know her body well and that was something I would never forget.
I take her hand and bring her down my own body; hearing her let out a primal growl when she feels how soaking I am for her.
As much as I loved teasing her, there was no time for that, I needed her NOW.
I meet her eyes and whisper, husky voice filled with lust. "Fuck me, Bo". Before I finish I slip 2 fingers inside her, making her scream out, arching her back as her hands grip the sheets as tight as she can.
"Lauren! Fuck!" It's all she can say as it takes her a couple of seconds to react, but as soon as she does, she mimics my movements, entering me and we both start thrusting in and out of each other relentlessly.
We don't bother with going slow, we both needed release. It had been way too long since we had been together like this. And fuck I missed it—I missed her, she had an effect on me that no one else had.
The silence of the room being filled with our names, moans and screams of pleasure.
As I feel myself getting close, I know she is too. I curl my fingers, reaching that perfect spot every time I thrust inside her, going deeper each time.
It's not long before I make her reach ecstasy, and I follow shortly after, both of us collapsing on the bed, covered in sweat, breathless.
What have I done-this wasn't supposed to happen.
Taking a sharp breath I look over to her she is lying beside me, so close yet not touching me—as if it is a conscious effort—maybe as though she is scared.
Her scared?
I smirk at myself, which HER was it anymore?
Was I losing my mind—is that what this is now?
Was this some Fae thing? Was this some survival instinct kicking in? Am I more dark and twisted than I initially thought?
What am I doing?
I repeat that question over and over again as my breathing slows, eyes growing heavier….
…WAKE UP LAUREN…WAKE UP…..
I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut tightly and then opening.
Did I pass out?
I look over at the clock—4:22 a.m.—Fuck.
I look down to find the bed empty—Fuck, fuck, fuck-how could I fuck up so bad.
Bolting upright I look down at the floor quickly slipping into my pants and shirt. Looking around the space I see nothing, no trace of her-except her clothes?
Walking further out back into the middle of the apartment I look around like the big idiot I am—nothing.
That is until my eyes catch the glimpse of the white curtains hanging over the double doors move ever so slightly. Moving closer I notice the right side is slightly ajar, taking cautious steps I move toward the door and when nothing jumps out at me I pull it open carefully as though it might be booby-trapped.
No booby-trap just Bo-Bo still naked—Bo still naked and standing atop the ledge of the balcony looking over.
This is-new.
"Was I so bad you need to jump?" she tilts her head just a bit to the right at the sound of my voice but the question seems to disgust her—hurt her as before it finishes she turns her head back away. "I have to be honest and I'm sure you'll get a kick out of this—my misery and uncertainty but I'm not really sure if I should be encouraging you to jump or making a smart ass comment or-Bo?" I let out as she doesn't move, doesn't even act as though she can hear me. "Bo?" I take a step forward—a SLIGHT concern pulling at me.
"I deserve to die."
"What?" That is unexpected.
"You know it's true—I deserve to die. I deserved to die before I even came into your life. I am death, I've always been death."
What game is this one? What is this-a ploy for sympathy? A trick of some kind?
"I thought before about ending it but I just never had the balls-I never seem to have the balls to do what I need to."
"That wouldn't have been the answer."
"But you agree it is now?"
"Bo if you jump you'll be badly hurt but that's it."
"But you agree?" she does that slight head tilt thing again and I have to look down at the ground—I don't know my answer honestly. But then again as she so kindly reminded me earlier—I wasn't the best person to pass judgment. "It's okay, you don't have to answer—I already know."
I take another step, eyes narrowing as I swear she is crying.
"Bo, come down."
"I can't."
"Why can't you?"
"Because," she sniffles softly. "I haven't decided yet."
"Decided what?"
"Don't play stupid Lauren, there isn't a bone in your body that doesn't have an IQ of under one-eighty."
"Bo, come down." I repeat myself, a little more base.
"Is it even possible, to kill myself I mean or would my survival instinct just—take over?"
"Anything is possible."
"So then you think I should try?"
"Ah so that's the game." I nod. "You want me to plead with you not to? To beg you to live? Let's see if Lauren still falls for it, is that it?"
"No—actually I'm hoping you ask me to do it."
"You want me to give you permission to try and kill yourself?" I almost laugh and take another step—she wasn't laughing though.
"Anything good I've ever done has been for you or Kenzi—mostly you."
"Bo, come down." I repeat for the third time but this time there is a slight plea to it, something isn't quite right.
"I don't deserve to live-the things I've done to you, to Kenzi and Dyson and Hale and-God the innocent people." Her voice breaks as she looks to the left, further away from me since I've been moving the opposite direction.
"Come down and we'll talk."
"Talk?" she snorts through a chuckle. "I'm sick Lauren."
"I know."
"These thoughts in my head I can't stop them, they're there every single second. I don't have a moment of clarity-until tonight."
"It's been hours."
"I know." She chuckles as her voice breaks—she's crying now. "A miracle—true miracle would have been if you ended me back in the asylum—it's okay though, I know there was still a lot of me still at the surface, if roles were reversed I wouldn't have been able to either."
"Bo,"
"They're telling me to jump-telling me to kill you-to turn it off that I'll feel so much better if I just turn it all off."
"Is that what you've been doing." Another step.
"Yes-no—maybe, I don't know honestly. If it was me turning it off completely then you're still there. Always there with me."
"You're sick Bo,"
"I know."
"If you're sick that means that you can be helped."
"Helped?" she snorts through a cold laugh. "There is no help for me-no hope Lauren. I can feel the voices pulling at the straws of my resolve—and soon—soon I'll be whatever it is I become."
"You don't know that."
"I DO!" she actually looks over at me, tears falling down her cheeks freely. She is so angry but it's the anger she gets when she is hurting. "I CAN FEEL IT LAUREN! It's like bugs under my skin all the time. Buzzards picking at my brain. This disease spreading through me until everything is dead! Even you-you're losing your hold on me—once that's gone Lauren-it's over."
"Give me back the psychotic version." I spit out and she just stares blankly. "You heard me, I would rather deal with that than this—at least that is a ghost of the woman I love—this, whatever you're doing-I don't recognize this."
"Lauren-"
"The Bo I know-my Bo would fight and fight and fight until she couldn't fight anymore. It didn't matter if she fucked up or how many times she fell or how bad she would just fight. I could swear that's what I saw-I could swear that tonight I saw that—that I let myself believe for a moment that you were in there all along fighting to come back to us—to me." I pause realizing the pain in my chest, the tears slipping down my cheeks. "My Bo—she would be more determined to fight now more than ever because this right here-it means that she still has a hold of herself—that there is a chance she can make it out of this. My Bo would recognize that if this was real than she would have me with her every step of the way."
"I'm so tired." She sobs.
"You don't think I am?! I am tired of loving you, of hating you, of wanting you, of needing you! I am tired of waking up every morning and reminding myself of who I have to be! I am tired of this life—of this me! I am tired of blaming myself for you! I am so tired that I was praying to a God I don't believe in that I would be wrong, that you would kill me tonight!"
"Wh—what?"
"I am sick and tired of it all too Bo, you think I want any of this? You think I want them looking to me? You think I want to play hero? It's not my strong suit—not this way, I loved playing your backup but now it's all on me. We were supposed to be a team, you and me—in this together no matter what remember?!"
"Of course I remember!"
"I don't think you do." I swallow back tears though some continue to fall as I maneuver myself onto the ledge next to her, my fear of heights not even registering at the moment.
"What are you doing?" she asks, almost panicked.
"You are tired and giving up when there is finally a sliver of hope? Well Bo I am tired too and I came here pretty much ready to give up-but now this-I guess I am giving up too." I peer over the ledge, sniffling." "In this together remember?"
"Lauren don't." she growls grabbing my wrist.
"All I've learned tonight it that I-is that I will always be in love with you—that it's the best thing and the worst thing—after tonight-Bo if you aren't fighting—I won't be safe to be around them either because I won't be able to kill you if need be, not knowing-not knowing that somewhere inside of you it is still YOU. I will always hesitate with you and that is perhaps more dangerous to them than you."
"You can't be serious." She continues to growl gripping my wrist as I try to jerk it away, glassy eyes locking with glassy eyes.
"Whatever happens we are in this together," I swallow back the pain and the fear. "Either we are together in this fight for you—for saving the day or we'll be together in death." I jerk my wrist back so hard I almost lose my footing. "It's your choice Bo."
Glassy eyes peering into mine before looking over the ledge, deep shallow breaths.
She's wondering if I am in fact bluffing-I'm not.
All tonight proved was that I was a liability—I am still in love with her and it didn't matter if she went back into full evil mode—knowing Bo-MY Bo was still in there-I would do more harm than good.
If she was going to fight and slipped—it would be different, I would fight like hell to get her back because I knew she would be fighting to get back to me too.
"I deserve to die Lauren."
I say nothing.
"I don't deserve to live."
Silence.
"I'm sick."
Silence.
"Lauren—says something." She begs through a sob as she grabs my arms just below my shoulders, my own hands grabbing a hold of her elbows.
"Together." It's a broken whisper, a plea and a goodbye all at the same time.
"I—I don't know who I am anymore."
"N—neither do I." I admit but it's more for my own ears than hers.
"Oh—oh God Lauren." She lets out through a sob, desperately clawing at me as she falls to her knees on this small amount of cement we find ourselves on.
Her arms around my waist so tight I can barely breathe, my hands in her hair holding her as she cries into my stomach-cries out in pain unlike any time before.
I'm so scared-scared of everything but I just stand here-holding her.