If you wanted to listen to a song in this chapter, I literally had Waltz for Pony by BOY on repeat whilst writing this...
Hope you enjoy it- although it is, again, quite sad. xx

Looking at him now was like looking at a cartoon version of Mr Jordan. He had the same arched eyebrows and determined glare as always, but the eyes were unfocussed and hazy. His once strong stature was still visible even as he leaned against the wall, but he was slimmer now and the way he sat seemed less purposeful: more like he had been dropped. She knew how he hated this, hated not being in control. When he had gone into the ED just weeks ago in his wheelchair, he had acted as if he was fine, but she knew that his pride was hurting. Only his love for those people and that place could have brought him in there looking so vulnerable. Maybe no one else would have been able to recognise Nick in this man who sat there now, but she could still see him.

A sudden, suffocating wave of emotion crashed over her. How was she supposed to live without him? Even when he had been in Michigan and she had been in Holby, he had been in so many of her thoughts. Now, he was the only reason she was getting up every day. Her love for medicine, her love for the ED all paled in comparison to her love for him. Even as a dying man, he had made her laugh harder, cry harder, fall harder than anyone else ever had. She had never felt more confident, more loved, more alive than the times when she was with him, and even in his dying moments, she felt so real, so present in his company. Life after him was going to seem pale in comparison to the glorious times she had spent with him. To return to the mundane seemed impossible.

"Zoe?" his voice sounded clearer and more composed than it had before. She looked at him, her hands reaching out to cup his face, like he had so many times to her.

"Nick?"

"I never said- said thank you." Answering her inquisitive glance, "you saved my life, Zoe."

"Nick, you don't have to thank me. I wish I could-"

"Don't Zoe. You can't." He hung his head. She held him firmly, and brought his gaze to meet hers.

"I know. But I would do all it all again in a heartbeat." She kissed his forehead softly and ran her thumb over his bottom lip.

…

It was getting darker: they had only been there for half an hour, but the sky had been clear, so the sun had set quickly and stars were beginning to emerge. They were lying down now, she was curled up with her head on his chest, his hands encircling her like a life buoy. As they lay there listening to the gentle hum of the building's electricity, the cars below and the night birds' mournful songs, they were both very aware of the large clock that they had both carried since that day in Michigan. It seemed to be ticking down the seconds like a drum. They both had more they wanted to say and yet were both conscious of the fact that anything they said could be their last words to each other. But this silence had been stretching for too long.

"If we were in a movie, you'd be telling me the names of all the stars right now, Nick."

"Do you want me to? I'd say "I'll be- up there soon. In the stars""

Chuckling, although tears were sparkling at the corners of her eyes, she replied "too cheesy. If you say that now, I'll give you a slap."

"I wouldn't dare. I know better- than to incite- the- the wrath of Zoe Hanna." He grinned widely, knowing that she was, too.

Suddenly serious, "I don't want to go, Zoe," he whispered. She could almost taste his fear, it was emanating from him in waves. She screwed her eyes up tight. I don't want you to go, either.

"I know." She reached out and took his hand in hers and held it tight.

"You won't- forget me?" His vanity was still obvious, even in his dying moments. It was so typical, so predictably Nick Jordan that she laughed. The slightly wild noise seemed to echo, although there was nothing against which it could echo, and hung in the air, so much at contrast with the tears and the grief that smothered them.

"As if anyone could forget you, Nick."

They held one another tightly, as if they would never let go. Despite the inevitable tragedy of their situation, they both felt a sense of calm in that moment: nothing else could touch them now. Afterwards, that was a different chapter, they would face whatever they each had to face in time, alone, but with the memory of these last few weeks burning bright. As long as they had this moment together, could feel the safety of one another's embrace just once more.

"Will you- will you be OK?" he asked her.

She paused. Of course not. "I'll be fine, Nick. I've got Tess, Charlie, Linda. Hell, I might even go and see my mother."

"Heaven forbid."

She slapped his hand gently. "Oi, you."

"You will be OK. You're strong."

She nodded slightly through her tears and squeezed his hand. They always say that before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. She didn't know what was going through his mind, but memories were flying through her head like birds. Just snippets: like stills of a film, but as she mentally reached out to hold them close, they would flit away. "A drink is never just a drink." "My lovely suits. They're bespoke." "I'm sorry that Matt couldn't make you happy." "I want to go to Rome." "one of the most chaotic and scatterbrained individuals." Eventually she gave up trying to keep them close, and let herself sink into the present, into his arms. That was, surely, all that mattered.

His time was up. That from which he had been running, from which everyone is running, was standing over him, its shadow encroaching without needing to hide now. Suddenly, every part of his brain, every memory, feeling and thought seemed to be activated. It was like they were all fighting for attention, like his brain was trying to fit in every possible emotion before it could no longer feel, but it felt like his head was going to explode. Jealousy, curiosity, contentedness, fear, loneliness, all at once- faces flashing before his eyes: Zoe, Charlie, Yvonne, Zoe, Kieron, Tess, Zoe, Zoe, Zoe. There was only thing he wanted to feel, only one face he wanted to see. His Zoe. He took a deep breath, trying to say this clearly and steadily.

"I love you, Zoe. More than I've- more than anyone. I'm so happy- that it's you." His voice broke over the words.

"I love you. And I wouldn't be anywhere else in the world."

.

If he had been attached to a machine, she could have heard him die. Heard the long, loud, high-pitched sound that indicated that his heart had stopped beating. But as she lay on his chest, it was deadly quiet. She lay there, listening to the empty silence of his ribcage. She could feel her own blood pumping in her ear where she lay as her heart beat furiously. But his remained still and silent and broken.