I froze. Cristal had never spoken of her parents before that. She got up, off the floor and started to walk around, completely imprisoned by her memories. She continued, speaking as if I were there in the room, listening to the great novel of her memoirs, but still hypnotized by thought.
"I'm sure you know my mother. You two are both in heaven together. Watching over me – guiding me." A feeling of guilt fled over me. She thought I was an angel, with her mother. But everything was a lie. I was no angel. If I were, it was no heaven I was in, but Hell. I could feel tears forming in my eyes, knowing that I was always lying to my light in darkness. Biting my lower lip, I listened on.
"You know that when I was a child, I didn't appreciate my parents as much as I should've. I pushed them away when they tried to take care of me. The only time I didn't was when Mother would cover me with the thickest blanket we had when we lived poor. She took the thinnest bedspread and froze at nights. That's probably what made her ill.
"But the nights I would wake up in a start, she would crawl over, wrap her chilled arms around me and tell me stories. Sometimes she'd even sing them." Cristal stopped and sat down at her dresser. She picked up a handkerchief and wiped her glassy eyes. After sniffing a few times she continued, "Mother always took the hardest beating for Father and I. Especially when she was dying." Cristal began to breath heavily, and her lower lip trembled, "It was cold outside. I was in the river. I was five, and the current was too strong that night. I was being swept down the icy water before I even knew what was happening. When I finally called out it was too late. I was half a mile down the river from the old cabin we were living in. Mother and Father came out to see their only child being brushed away by the waterway. Father hated water, and he didn't even bother to jump in to try and save me. He should've. Mother was too weak; the current took hold of her more easily than it did me. But she swam out to me, and got me to shore. How? I'll never know. But the second I grabbed onto Father's pants leg. The moment she knew I could be safe, she gave up. The current took her down another half mile where she tried to drown herself before going over the waterfall."
Cristal stopped talking and just cried for a while. I couldn't help but cry myself. I wondered how she could've kept it inside of her for all these years. I never heard her cry at night. No – she did cry. Whenever I didn't sing to her, or play the piano, she would cry. Well, not as much as she did while telling that story; I had never seen any one cry that much. Those nights I didn't sing she would sniff, and moan. It was as if my singing would save her from her terrible memories that stalked around in every corner of her nightmares.
She collected herself again; wiped her tears and started again, "I wonder, sometimes, that if Mother hadn't died, Father wouldn't have killed himself.
"Every night he would go out drinking, using the little money we had to get drunk. And every night he would come back, and yell, a-and scream, a-a-and once he even hit me.
"I was seven when he finally broke down – heartbroken. He wasn't drunk that night. We had been home, in the old cabin, and he was reading me a story that he had found on the street. I don't remember the story that well, but it was at a part when a cat had been trampled by a horse. It wasn't that sad of a part, but he was crying terrible. And that's when Father got up and said, 'I'll be back, child. I'll only be a minute.'
"I thought he was going out to get inebriated. But seconds after he walked out the broken door, I heard a splash in the river. I got up and ran to the river bank. I saw my father thrashing about in the freezing water. He couldn't swim. I wanted to jump in and try to save him, but my body didn't move. I was immobilized. My mind wanted to save him, but heart thought that life would be better without him. How truly wicked of me!"
Cristal whimpered and blew her nose in the handkerchief. Pity ran over me. I thought I was miserable here. It took Cristal a while to start again. "Father drowned before he got to the falls. But I was lucky. A fisherman, who lived in a house a mile away from the cabin, heard my father's cries. The fisherman found me in the cabin, wrapped in my mother's blanket. He took me home with him.
"A few months later he took me to the orphanage that was here before the theatre group was." Cristal stood up from her dresser and walked over to her bed, pulled back the covers, and climbed in; still in her costume, "I hated every waking moment here. The children were terribly mean, and the owners were cruel, but they tried to cover it up with a hideous sweetness. It didn't always work.
"But although the days were miserable, I felt safe and comforted at night. I could hear music, like I never heard it before." She laid her head down on her pillow, looking at the corner of the room, where the ceiling met the wall, "I know it was you. Mother told me that if she were to die, that she would make sure that I had a guardian to help me, and save me." Tears shone from Cristal's porcelain cheek. I had to take my mask off, and wipe my deformed face of tears. I didn't put it back on. I just looked through the crack again.
"You're what makes me love my mother more," she continued, "And now that she's gone, I realise how wicked truly I was to her. I should have respected her, as I do you. Master, you'll never leave me. Right? Mother said that you'd been with me until I die of old age. You're going to stay. I know you are."
I only gasped when I wasn't quick enough to catch the tear that fell from my eye through the crack. It soared through Cristal's room, and landed on her stomach. She gasped as she saw it hit her gently. She dabbed it with her finger, and looked at the shining liquid.
"Oh, Angel," she said looking up at the ceiling, "Do not weep for me. As a child, the orphans here would speak of a terrible story, of a monster that lived in the walls of this building. They said that he was hated and feared by all who laid their eyes on him." I stopped crying as she turned on her side to face the wall. "They said he was hideous, and grotesque. Some said he was a descendant of Satan, himself. I remember that one child said, 'I saw him, myself. It was like looking at a corpse that had been brought back to life, but having the fires of Hell melt its face. His repulsive face still haunts my nightmares. He lives in the walls and watches us at night, waiting to make his move, so he can kill us all and take us back to his master, The Devil.'"
I grew sick at this thought. I knew I didn't look like that, I had seen myself before. And yet, that was many years ago, I could have been mistaken for what I thought I looked like. My memory must've changed over the years. I don't remember looking like a corpse. Then again, I didn't want to remember when I first saw myself. I encouraged forgetfulness.
"I knew it was all fake," Cristal continued. "I knew that he was just trying to scare me. It didn't work." She fell silent for a moment, deep in thought, "But I was so glad I wasn't that poor soul. I couldn't imagine being hated by everyone; especially my parents. I was lucky for what I got. I mean, could you image being despised and loathed by humanity? I think I would've killed myself once I was old enough to hold a knife if I had been ugly and abhorrent."
Cristal's word cut deep into my soul. Shocked, I stood up and made my way to my own bed. I felt both deceived and ashamed. Ashamed, not only for my hideousness and the fact that I knew that was true, - but for Cristal. I forced myself to wipe away disgraced tears. I didn't understand why she would say something like that. She didn't even –
"And then again," Cristal said from her bed, "I don't think that that tormented person had a choice. Maybe he was born ugly. I don't know." She chuckled slightly, "I don't even think he's real. But if he is," I sat down on my bed, listening heard to hear her tone changed to mercy again, "I sympathize him. I pity him. I almost applaud him; for taking in everything that's been thrown at him. For enduring the heartless, compassionless life he's been given. I wish I could –"
I wanted to hear more, but Cristal had droned herself to sleep. I waited a while, just to make sure she wasn't just taking a pause. My heart lifted. She didn't even know it was me, and yet she pitied the monster, she was willing to show him mercy and compassion. I shook my head at myself.
"I'm sorry, Cristal," I said in a soft whisper, that I didn't think carried over to the crack in the ceiling of her room. "I shouldn't have doubted you. I shouldn't have thought that you – I'm sorry. I shan't do it again. Forgive me." I stretched out on my mattress, in guilt. I couldn't believe that I had a slim amount of faith for Cristal. How could I be so unloyal towards her? She was my - everything, I had great feelings for her. If it weren't for her, I'd be lost; empty; miserable. I wouldn't do that again. If I did, I would punish myself. How? I didn't know. But I would. I would assure I would not doubt Cristal's trust in me again.