A/N Thanks for the review on the last chapter and the previous one. You almost read my mind. I think I deliberately kept Nick relatively in the dark, I felt she needed someone to really TELL. It had to be Nick... I love any questions or guidance, or requests...

Why did Fin have to be in court today?

Why did I have to be partnered up with Nick? God, I would even have preferred Carisi!

Or why do we have to sit in this car for hours TODAY?

Dammit!

Why did all these tiny little things lead to this?!

"Amanda?"

"I'm not avoiding you Nick. I've just had a lot going on….."

Great, and now he's giving me that I don't believe you, hurt puppy dog look and watching me for reaction, like a hawk. I can't do anything or he'll somehow interpret it as proof I'm lying, that I really am avoiding him.

"Amanda, you're chewing your bottom lip,….you only do that when you are thinking or when you're nervous…."

Dammit! I can't even do that right!

"Nick, I'm not AVOIDING you. I just don't want to talk about everything and I know you won't leave it alone…."

"I don't want to push you I just want to know you are ok. I've been worried about you. And the fact you won't talk to me, is just worrying me further that you aren't ok. You're my friend Amanda."

"Nick, it's fine. It's all over. It doesn't matter anymore"

"How can you say it doesn't matter? Of course it matters. You matter to me, this is not a small thing you can disregard and pretend it didn't happen…"

My own drunken words to Fin flash back at me: 'well pretend for long enough, after a while it's like nothing did happen'. I can't deny it but I sure as hell am not going to admit it.

His eyes haven't left me this whole time. I'm beginning to feel his gaze burning into me. I haven't made eye contact since we got into the car but I can feel his stare.

"Please…Amanda…Please, Talk to me"

I know he's not going to let this go. Fighting it is going to get me nowhere! If we didn't have to sit in this stupid car outside this stupid building, now, and if Fin wasn't in court, I wouldn't have been forced into this stupid conversation!

"Fine, what do you want to know!?" I snap at him, still not looking at those beautiful eyes.

I feel his hand on my arm and try to twist away, determined not to give him any more participation than is absolutely necessary.

I haven't thought my reaction through, though, and he misinterprets my sulking twist away from him, to be a frightened flinch from unexpected physical contact. I can see it immediately as he quickly pulls away from me, putting his hands carefully out in front of him.

Oh god. I don't want HIM to be afraid to touch me…

"Amanda, it's ok, I'm sorry, I should have thought to not just reach for you without warning you first. I would never hurt you. I hope you know that…..?"

I wasn't afraid, I just don't want to have this conversation!

I'm fine!

"Don't YOU dare treat me like that! Don't YOU dare give me your victim speech!"

Instead of firing back at me as he usually would, this outburst is greeted by absolute silence.

I chance a peek at his dark eyes expecting to see anger flickering in them, instead I see concern and something I can't quite identify.

"You are a victim though…..aren't you?"

His words are quiet and questioning. I realize again that he really may not know what happened.

The guilt immediately envelops me. The hurt I can hear in his whispered words prevents me from snapping back at his use of the word…..

"Is that really a question?" I find myself asking as I try to re-ignite my anger with him. My last chance at avoiding this conversation is if I manage to anger him enough that he walks away to calm down.

"Yes Amanda…did Patten…did he….." he takes a deep breath, obviously hoping to not have to say what comes next….

I don't want to hear the word, not him saying it, but I'm not going to make this any easier for him…..

He sighs long and hard. The annoyance I expect is nowhere in evidence, instead I see a flash of badly concealed pain cross his face before he looks down at his hands.

"He raped you."

The question is gone now. it's a statement. I have inadvertently confirmed this fact somehow.

I can see now, he really didn't know. He obviously suspected, but he didn't know.

"What happened Amanda?" he asks dejectedly.

"You really didn't know…"

He shakes his head in response.

"Know, for sure... no. I had my suspicions but… not until now. I'm so sorry Amanda. Can you tell me what happened?"

As I see the hurt clouding his eyes as he looks to me, pleadingly, I can't consciously aggravate it further. My belligerence dissolves and I try to brace myself for the forthcoming discussion.

My arms curl involuntarily around my body, unconsciously hugging myself as I try to find the words….. "I put myself in a bad position,….he inferred that if I had sex with him my sister wouldn't be prosecuted. I couldn't let her go to prison,… I agreed…He hit me,….got rough….I tried to…..stop him….."

I've said these words before, to Barba, a man I barely know in comparison, so how are they so much harder…..now.

I can barely string a sentence together, hesitating at each new word, as if I've forgotten how to talk. At this thought I flash back to the last time I really spoke to Nick….me drunkenly goading him about 'not wanting to be saved', how some of us "don't want to be victims'…..

I feel the redness creeping from my chest up my face, with each step the burning shame inside me ratchets up another notch.

Again he misinterprets my reaction.

"Amanda, you did nothing wrong. You have nothing to feel guilty about….."

I just stare back at him.

"You don't understand Nick." I don't know why I'm saying this, I should shut up now but the words break through without my permission, "I didn't say 'Stop' in his office,….clothed….. I was lying in a motel bed, ….half naked,…..when I changed my mind."

Somehow this seems to increase his pain, I don't understand, should this not make it easier? I wasn't pounced on, pulled kicking and screaming to my fate….

"Amanda, you said no….he should have stopped. It doesn't matter if he was half way through when you said no. If a woman says no…..you stop!"

I'm an SVU detective too. Who does he think he is? Giving me the 'idiots guide to SVU' speech!

The anger I tried to ignite earlier in him, threatens to consume me now.

"Oh thank you St. Nick" I spit out venomously. "cos I'm not an SVU detective…..I'd never have known that without you telling me!"

The words have barely left my mouth as I glower angrily at him and he whispers "….but you don't know that now Amanda."

My rage hits full force. Is he calling me stupid? Like I'm not worthy to be a cop now? Does he have a death wish? I start to formulate a pithy response, while his words repeat in my head….

"Who the hell do you…." is as far as I get before I realize it wasn't a criticism, a taunt. His eyes are haunted, his face lined with worry, he looks at me anticipating…. and understanding floods me. He thinks I don't understand that what happened was rape.

Before that thought can fan the flames of my anger, I remember how long I denied it's true definition. My anger collapses and a sudden emptiness rushes in to fill the gap. My body crumples in on itself, around my own tightly hugging arms. My head drops and hot tears surge out.

"Amanda…" his voice cracks…. He reaches for me and I throw myself into his arms. Sobbing as the deluge overtakes me, I feel his strong arms encircle me. His face bends into my hair as I clutch his chest, burying my tear soaked face in his shoulder. I feel his tears dripping steadily into my blonde locks.

Neither of us speak for a long time but the silence that was deafening only minutes ago is now comforting.

"I knew what he did, it just…..it was too hard….somehow reminding myself I put myself in that position made it easier….."

His arms tighten around me at this admission. Safe in his arms, his smell in my nose, I start to admit things I never meant to.

"Nick,….he RAPED me….. and I let him away with it. I was lying in a bed half naked with him, to prevent my sister from being prosecuted,…..how could I tell anyone. I knew what I would be called. I knew what I was."

"No Amanda, what you were was a kind sweet, woman trying so hard to help her family that she was willing to sacrifice herself. When he hurt you, you asked him to stop….what you are is a woman who was raped…" His whispered words hang in the air until my story starts to flood out….

"I remember lying down on the bed, I was more nervous then, than my first time. He treated me as something he had bought, something he owned, pawing at me, pulling at my clothes, ripping my top…He was drunk… He pulled down my pants. It was all going too fast. He didn't care if I felt any pleasure….I asked him to 'slow down'. He hit me….." My hand unconsciously snakes it's way to my left cheek, gently soothing the imagined pain…..Nick continues to hold me, his embrace somehow tight but not restrictive.

"He bit my neck …not a little love bite…..hard…and slammed my head into the headboard." Again my hand follows my narrative, trying to soothe my neck and head.

"I couldn't believe the thud it made. And when I looked, Nick, there was blood on the sheets….my head was bleeding..."

He says nothing, not wanting to interrupt, he just strokes my head softly where I am gesturing at a remembered wound.

"I was starting to get scared. I must have started to move, to try and get away... he grabbed my wrists…...They started to burn from trying to twist out of his grasp, like when you were a kid, playing that game where you twist the other's wrist until someone cries STOP…..." I can't remember what it's called but before I can ask him, the rest of my sorry tale continues to tumble out…

"He told me 'Amanda, you know I don't take 'No' for an answer'. Just like he said to Reese. I could have stopped him. She didn't need to go through this….."

Again this distraction barely stops the words dripping out of my mouth….

"I knew he wasn't going to stop…..I felt my muscles burning, like when you've chased a perp too hard…..as I tried to push him off me... to get off that bed. He pulled my arms up above my head, my shoulders hurt….I tried to get my arms down…..I got one free…but he slapped me…..my head smacked into the headboard again. I thought I was going to pass out…..I got dizzy, my ears were ringing….he kindda shook me til I came to…...he told me I wasn't going anywhere…. I was too weak to stop him getting my wrist back and dragging my two arms back up above my head…. He just kindda leaned his body on me to stop me moving. He only needed one hand to hold my two. I tried to pull free, I really did, but I couldn't…He was too strong…."

I can't stop my quiet voice from getting even quieter now as I continue my agonizing remembrance.

"He started to lift his hips, to open and push down his pants…he bit me. His teeth hurt my neck. I thought he was going to just tear off a chunk of my flesh."

I'm struggling to talk through the deluge of hot salty tears but I can't control my voice anymore….the words continue to gush out.

"I said no….I think I said it before…I'm sure I said it before?...but then I just kept saying it. It was all I could think, nononononononono, I don't know how many times I said it but it didn't sound like a real word anymore…..like it was just a meaningless sound…..but he didn't stop. His hand was moving around my body…I was so scared….my whole body hurt…..he told me 'no-one would believe you anyway'…..I felt…his ehmmmm….… HIM….. against my leg, it was hard, I knew he was going to do it…..How could he be so aroused? I was bleeding, crying, how did this make him hard?...….I thought I was gonna pass out…..then I couldn't move anymore…..my body wouldn't listen…..I FROZE….I lay there and just let him…..I didn't want it Nick. I didn't! It hurt! God it hurt so bad….I didn't know sex could hurt that bad. It felt like he was scooping my insides out , burning them. …I knew he tore me. ….I didn't want it. My body didn't want it! I wasn't …..ready!…How did it not matter my body wasn't ready?...It has to have hurt him too…..Hurt his…..HIM…..How did he stay….aroused?…...I kept saying no…but I just lay there…I let him do it."

I just start repeating 'I let him' as the sobbing makes my words incomprehensible. He gathers me into his lap, gently pulling me across the car, rolling me into the biggest hug he can. He sobs with me as I realize I never meant to tell him all of this. He has heard way too much, but he isn't disgusted. He is so close to me I can barely tell where my body ends, in our huddled mess.

I can hear every emotion he is fighting to control when he speaks, "Amanda, he raped you. He hurt you. He raped you. You did nothing wrong. You did it all right. He raped you."

Somehow the words that usually make me tense and flinch are comforting. I think it's the way he is saying them. Like he did the wrong thing to me. Where usually I hear an accusation being thrown, an implied question, a barely disguised judgment, now I hear compassion and understanding, recognition that I was wronged.

He gently kisses my hair.

His voice is husky with emotion and pain, "Did you tell anyone?" he asks tenderly.

"I just wanted it to go away. To not have happened…..I showered…..I know I destroyed all the evidence… I was covered in his sweat…I was bleeding…" my head gestures downwards, trying to communicate it silently, "….his…fluids…the sheets were stained…..I needed to get it off me…..I know I shouldn't have destroyed the evidence but…I needed to feel clean. I put my clothes on and went home. I knew what would be said…."

Somehow this is only getting harder, all the gritty details are out there but I can deny a certain amount of responsibility for them, what follows is all on me, and its weight is crushing me.

"The next day…I….they told me I was a slut. That I was trying to sleep my way up….that I was a whore."

I couldn't really argue with them. They were right. I agreed to make a deal, my sister would get off and I would pay my end of the bargain with my body….I am a slut.

"Sam, my captain, implied I had slept with him too to get ahead…He had hit on me, propositioned me, but I'd said no, turned him down….…..they looked at me like I was dirt…"

"Amanda, you are not a slut. Patten raped you….what about the cuts, the bruises?"

I can't help but shiver as the memory of their words assaults me. He holds me tighter, trying to share his warmth.

"Patten told them that I like it…rough….that I wanted him to choke me, to bite me, to hit me…."

I feel the embarrassment rising up my throat in the form of bile, my face reddening at the memory.

"He made it sound like I wanted it all…he told them we had sex and it wasn't enough for me…..that I wanted…more….he told them I liked it kinky….that I wasn't as innocent as I looked…that I wanted him to 'debase' himself…he told them that next time I wanted a few of them to 'do' me….…the things he said….about where I wanted him to put IT…...how I wanted…."

My voice tapers off, tears are now scalding my face. I can't control my shivering. I feel like I have run a marathon.

I hear his voice whispering "Amanda, none of that is true. This wasn't sex. It hurt so much because it wasn't sex. This was a vicious crime. He just wanted to scare you, to control you. All this stuff he said was to try and make any accusations you might make seem less plausible. He tried to slut shame you."

"But Nick, I slept with my GA sponsor, there's a rule against that…..I slept with you….against the rules…..I'm not exactly virginal…"

I can feel the lump he tries to swallow down.

"No Amanda, you are an adult. You have had consensual relationships that have involved sex. That is healthy. They may not have worked out but you have never done anything wrong. There's no magic correct number…Did I take advantage of you…ever? I didn't mean to hurt you….you did want to, didn't you?"

Oh god! He thinks he pressured me into sex. The choir boy is worried he pressured me into sex.I can't stop the scoffing laugh that escapes my throat, again he misinterprets, believing it too be a sob. I feel him collapse against me as he thinks he took advantage.

"God no Nick. Never. You never did anything I didn't want. You were so conscious of me, of my…..pleasure…."

I look up at his creased face, lifting his chin to make him look me in the eye. His eyes skitter side to side for a moment until my silence forces him to hold eye contact with me.

"You never did anything I didn't want. I enjoyed sleeping with you…..I quite often initiated the sex…." I can't help my mischievous grin, even in these circumstances, as good memories bombard me, really good memories….

"I don't remotely regret sleeping with you Nick."

He looks relieved at this insistence, but he still clearly carries a heavy weight.

"What is it Nick? What are you thinking?" I question, worrying slightly if he is about to say he does regret it. How can he not? I'm disgusting, used…..

"What you said…in the bar….after the Martin case….I knew something was seriously wrong…..I should have asked…I knew there was more going on…...It just wasn't like you...I should have asked you."

"Nick, I wouldn't have told you….."

"Maybe you would have….I did wonder….it seemed an odd thing to say if there wasn't…..a reason. If I had known maybe I could have done something when you were sent to Atlanta on the Pattern Seventeen case or when he came here for the conference. Or even just to have been there for you when it all started to blow up…"

We have now come full circle and I find myself the one comforting him.

"Nick, I'm so sorry for that night. I let it all get to me. I felt we were forcing her to be a victim, that if we left her alone, it wouldn't all be as bad somehow….but it would have been, wouldn't it? Maybe even worse….?"

He nods tentatively as if replaying the conversation, this time though, with all the parts.

"You were afraid….?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I was angry and confused and ashamed….I don't know….It felt like we were doing more damage….."

He considers this, nodding in understanding.

"Have you spoken to anyone now, Amanda?"

He asks the words I truly dread. I'm not angry now, though, as I was when Liv made the same enquiry, I'm too drained to argue.

"I don't know if I need to…..I mean it's all out there now…..my secrets are all out there…Everyone knows….I've told you the stuff I hadn't told anyone…I had nobody in Atlanta but Liv, Fin, Barba, you…you're all trying to help me now…"

"I didn't really understand until recently, but a therapist….it's not what I thought. After…..everything….. I had happen…", he looks to me, silently pleading with me to understand what he is alluding to. The shooting, the divorce, the demotion, the hidden child, his father, his imprisonment…..he has been through so much…

"I spoke to a therapist. It's a safe place to say the things that you can't let yourself say anywhere else. It's someone who you don't have to impress or worry about using information against you….but its not about them. The stuff that rolls around your head, it's too hard to know what is truly important, what is fear or anger, and what is just plain untrue…..they help with that. They tell you that sometimes what you are feeling is a valid feeling, but the basis for it is false, and then they help you work through the feeling anyway…"

I am staring at him. His admission had started tentatively, laced strongly with embarrassment, but now he is controlled, confidant, clear….His face has lightened, his pained mask torn away. It's like the load that moments ago had been crushing him, has been lifted from his shoulders….

I say the words I could say to no one else "What if I'm not worth it? If they find me to be…lacking…..?"

"Amanda, that could never happen. You are so hard on yourself. You have survived FIVE years, dealing with this on your own. You have dealt with all this whilst doing a job most people couldn't do. You have helped victims whilst letting yourself struggle alone. How can you not see how incredibly strong you are? Please Amanda? I know you probably feel like us trying to get you to talk to a therapist, is somehow questioning your abilities to cope or saying you haven't done well, 'get some help and do better'…..It's not though. I'm in awe of you, that you have managed so well, but it's not without a cost to you. You can't see you own value as the rest of us can. Some of the horrible things said to you have taken root and grown until you believe them without question. You deserve so much more. You deserve to live your life, as you want to…..without the huge shadow of this…It's only now that we can see how much pressure you have been under. I don't know how you have done it all this time, but now I want you know peace. To really understand, to know this was not your fault, and to feel it wasn't too. Its not a condemnation. It can really help. I want you to feel how I see you…"