Buenos dias! Hope you enjoy the new chapter, thanks to everyone who has reviewed/faved the story :) Yay my easter break starts today, so I might be writing some more hehe xx
"Ehh, what can we do with them now?" wondered Frozenpixie to Figliedellatempesta as they both sat spying on the bored espada. Starrk was winning in chess against Nnoitra, who looked incredibly annoyed, Grimmjow was flicking little bits of paper at the back of Szayel's neck, Wonderweiss was sticking his fingers into a bowl which may half an hour ago have housed a goldfish, and Ulquiorra had – Frozenpixie had no idea how – somehow been blackmailed, manipulated or otherwise tricked into giving Nel a piggyback ride. He was down on all fours looking as if he was considering the best and least painful method of instant suicide. Figliedelltempesta watched dispassionately as Nel began pulling at hanks of Ulquiorra's hair to 'direct' him.
"Dunno," she mused. "I wanted to do some more salsa, but only Starrk and Rangiku were any good, and they're too busy irritating Hitsugaya-taichou with their 'discreet' makeout sessions to help me set another class up.
"How about Kuchiki-taichou?" Frozenpixie asked. "Does he want to give them a calligraphy class or something?"
"He threatened me with senbonzakura if I signed him up for anything else," Figliedellatempesta sighed disconsolately.
"Zaraki-taichou?"
"Not after last time. He and Grimmjow actually destroyed practically a third of Seireitei with an armwrestling match."
"Oh yeah..."
The two girls sat in silence, watching as Nnoitra tried unsuccessfully to grab Starrk's bishop without him noticing. They both winced as the fifth espada flew across the room with a pawn jammed up his left nostril. The resulting yells, laughs (from Grimmjow, of course) and fountain of blood gave Frozenpixie an idea.
"Hey... have you spoken to Unohana-taichou recently? She's been asking for a few volunteers to help out with all the minor patients who keep coming in with colds and sprained ankles and stuff."
"Yeah, maybe we could send a few of our beloved espada over," Figliedellatempesta considered, a grin stretching evilly over her face. "I'd love to see Grimmjow's bedside manner.
"And I don't think any of them are going to faint at the sight of blood," added Frozenpixie as Nnoitra tried to stem the chess-induced flow with Szayel's handkerchief.
"Perfect," Figliedellatempesta agreed. "I'll send a Hell Butterfly right away."
An hour later, Nnoitra, Grimmjow, Ulquiorra and the rest of the bunch were shuffling their feet in the foyer of fourth division's barracks.
"It smells funny," Nnoitra complained. "Like disinfectant or something."
"Quit moaning," Szayel scoffed. "Just because you prefer the scent of death. Some of us have standards of hygiene, you know."
"Is there a problem?" asked a sweet voice. The espada turned round to see the smiling Unohana-taichou standing there, looking somehow both friendly and incredibly intimidating at the same time.
"Uh, no," Nnoitra said hastily, unfisting his hand.
"Good," Unohana said. "I need a few volunteers to get meals for the minor injuries ward, cheer them up and be on call to deal with day-to-day complaints with Hanatorou, and if any of you are brave enough, a little help in surgery would be nice."
"Ooh, pick me," Szayel said eagerly. It had been far too long since he had seen somebody's intestines.
"You freak," Grimmjow muttered.
"Just cos you're too scared," Nnoitra teased.
"Have you met Grimmjow?" Starrk asked, eyebrows raised. "I don't think blood and guts are going to bother him too much considering his track record."
"Fine, I'll prove it," Nnoitra challenged. "Bet Grimmjow hurls at the sight of someone getting sliced open."
"Whatever," laughed Grimmjow. "At least I don't squeal like a girl when anyone so much as mentions nee-"
"Shut up!" Nnoitra said, paling. Starrk sniggered quietly, and Grimmjow laughed like a maniac.
"All right, you three come with me, Starrk, you and the others can be on call," Unohana commanded. "Actually – I think, fourth espada-san, you should go and see our counsellor. I don't like the look of your expression. A happy espada is a healthy espada." With that, she swept towards surgery with her three guest-surgeons, leaving Ulquiorra looking slightly confused.
"What is wrong with my expression?" he asked nobody in particular.
"Don't complain, it means you don't have to work. Go tell your problems to the counsellor," encouraged Starrk. Ulquiorra wondered off.
"Right, you two midgets, go help Hanatorou," Starrk instructed. "I have an, er, important call to make."
As Nel and Wonderweiss followed the shy healer, Starrk looked around shiftily and whipped out his phone.
"Hey, Ran? It's me. Listen, I'm supposed to be helping out at fourth. I don't suppose you have a cough, or a twisted ankle, or... PMS? What's that? Never mind, come on down and Dr Starrk will make it all better..."
-
Szayel was having the time of his life removing the spleen of a luckless shinigami, whilst Nnoitra and Grimmjow tried unsuccessfully to gross each other out.
"Grimm, I've stuck my hand into your stomach, nothing you say could possibly bother me," Nnoitra said airily.
"Yeah, well I've stuck my hand through plenty of people, too," Grimmjow defended.
"Boys, this is not appropriate conversation for a place of healing," Unohana scolded gently. They both looked immediately afraid, and closed their mouths.
"Sorry," Nnoitra said in a hushed, sombre tone appropriate to the deathbed of a close friend.
"Someone's got a crush," teased Grimmjow under his breath.
"Shut up."
"Oooh, look," said Szayel happily from the operating table, lifting a glistening, purplish object out of the prone shinigami with a pair of tweezers. "See how swollen it is."
As one man, Nnoitra and Grimmjow turned approximately the same shade as sour milk.
"Gotta go," Grimmjow said quickly, and fled. Nnoitra dared to look at the putrid organ once more. It was a mistake.
"Me, too," he added, and ran for the door.
-
"Nel, I don't think the patients appreciate having their faces drooled on," said Starrk lazily from a bed he was reclining on. Rangiku had been overheard by her captain and (probably not literally) chained to the desk to do paperwork, so he had been forced to help out, which meant sleeping in one of the spare beds.
"Nel is healing," Nel said reproachfully. "Ask Hanatowo."
"Actually, it's an effective antiseptic," Hanatorou said cheerfully. Starrk rolled his eyes.
"Gross, kid," he said, and yawned. "Wake me up if anything cool happens."
-
"It is true that I did experience some unprecedented emotions in the presence of the human woman," Ulquiorra was saying to the terrified counsellor. "But that was solved quite effectively by a simple expedient of forcing her submission by making remarks calculated to offend or upset her."
"But that's terrible," the young shinigami counsellor said, horrified. She was used to complaints along the line of 'my captain is putting me under too much pressure' or 'my released zanpakuto makes me look like a pansy'. This was too much to cope with.
"It was necessary," Ulquiorra said dispassionately. "In any case, my ideas on mental torture have been somewhat redefined since coming to Soul Society. I have been required to watch The Sound of Music with Kusajishi-fukutaichou and to dance salsa with Ise-fukutaichou."
"Does this make you want to hurt yourself? Any more than usual?" prodded the counsellor tentatively. Ulquiorra considered the question.
"I do not understand. Why would I wish to cause harm to myself?"
"Well, because life isn't worth living?" tried the shinigami. This was the usual mindset of emos, and she had never seen somebody more emo than Ulquiorra.
"Isn't it?" asked Ulquiorra.
"Wait, no, it is," said the counsellor quickly. "You must have plenty of things worth living for..."
"I do not know," Ulquiorra considered.
"Well, what do you look forward to in a day?" she tried desperately. Ulquiorra was silent for almost a minute.
"Bubble baths are pleasant," he said eventually. The shinigami's eyes were as wide as saucers. Finally, a breakthrough.
-
Outside, Nnoitra and Grimmjow were both trying fervently to erase the image of Szayel and the thing from their minds.
"Let's never speak of it again," Grimmjow said forcefully. Nnoitra nodded violently.
"I'll never feel the same way about sticking my hand in someone anymore," he agreed.
"Does it strike you," Grimmjow said with rare consideration. "That we have quite a few things that we're never allowed to speak of again?"
"Huh, now you mention it..." Nnoitra cocked his head on one side.
"Ah well, chalk it down to blackmail," Grimmjow said cheerfully. The thought made him feel a little better. By the grin spreading across Nnoitra's face, it had the same effect on him, too.
-
"So, did you enjoy yourselves?" Frozenpixie asked brightly as the espada sat down to dinner. Szayel's face was shining, and Nel looked pretty happy. Ulquiorra looked imperceptible more content than usual, and Starrk was asleep, which usually boded well. Grimmjow and Nnoitra were looking pointedly at their plates.
"Heey," said Figliedellatempesta. "Is Wonderweiss supposed to be holding that?" Nine heads turned to the skinny arrancar at the foot of the table. In one hand, he was holding a very shiny, very large syringe. A soft sigh and a thump were heard. Eight heads turned again. Nnoitra was lying on the floor, out cold.
"Heh, score one to Grimmjow," the sixth espada grinned happily.