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the poor poor old phib
Chapter ten: My Life
12th December of one year before:
"We need to talk. At my house. 3 p.m. Britt" she had texted Matt that morning, he had just said "Okay. M". Now it was 5 to 3. The doorbell rang, the blonde was sat on the sofa and jumped on it scared by the noise.
God…God…he's arrived…breath…breath…let's…let's just tell him what you feel…and it will be okay…okay…okay…God…I'm sorry, Matt…I's been an idiot, just an huge idiot…I don't love you, I love her and-and-and…God…we can't go on with our affair…we can't…I don't know what I will do…I don't know what, but-but-but…God…all I know is that I love her and I'm hurting her deeply, very very deeply and I can't go on…I can't…I love her…God…God…
"Hi." she murmured looking at him who was waiting behind the door staring at her handsome and charming like always.
"Hi, baby." he answered, but she didn't move at all, so he felt duty bound to continue, "Can I…kinda…come inside?"
"Oh, uh, yeah…sorry…come." the blonde stammered making room for him. They sat on the sofa. She was still in silence and stared at the fireplace.
"Bad news for me?" he suddenly said. He wasn't stupid. She hadn't come that evening. Now they had to talk. There was something wrong. Something wrong with him. Something wrong with them. The blonde took some deep breaths.
"Look, Matt, I-I-I…" she began to stammer gesticulating with both her arms, but still without being able to look into his eyes, "I don't know the reason why I did what I did, but I clearly know I love her and…"
"You're lying." he firmly interrupted her. She turned her face towards to him with an expression that was a mixture of surprise and annoyance.
"No, I'm not. I love her."
"Oh, I know that." he answered nodding with her head, then he raised his hand and came closer to the blonde and put her hair behind her ear, "But you know also the reason why you did what you did."
Her blue eyes rapidly moved in order to watch at all the tones of the expression of his face that was closer and closer to hers. In that moment I felt scared and worried but still someway attracted by him…
"She doesn't care 'bout you like I do. She doesn't make you feel appreciated and desired like I do. She doesn't believe in you like I do. She doesn't believe in your love like I do. She doesn't trust in you like I do." he listed with his hoarse hot voice and then he kissed her on the lips. She kissed him back for a couple of seconds. Then she immediately parted.
"Matt, I-I-I…I like you, Matt, you're handsome and nice and funny and brilliant and whatever, but I can't. I can't." she began to explain to him who seemed not to listen and started to softly kiss her neck saying between the kisses:
"You can.", kiss, "You totally can.", kiss, "You did.", kiss, "And you can do it again.", kiss. The kisses began to move closer to her face and then to her mouth and then they were kissing again. He pulled her down on the sofa and still with their lips glued he began to unbutton the shirt she was wearing and then he began to kiss the skin of her belly going slowly up in sync with his hands that were going up on her back until they reached her blue bra. He untied it and threw it on the carpet. His mouth reached one of her nipples and his lips surrounded it. She lightly moaned.
And then they heard it. They heard the lock of the door opening. He suddenly kneeled down lifting himself from the blonde just in order to see Santana appearing from behind the door, looking at him surprised before, frozen then. At the first time she hadn't understood, then she had seen his ruffled hair, his red face, his shirt creased and a bit unbuttoned. Then she had seen the blonde emerging from the sofa. Santana's face seemed freezing. Her mouth was open. Her expression was hurt and shocked. It was like she felt in an only moment all the pain and the weigh of the universe falling on her shoulders…she seemed to me like she was dead…dead because of the pain…dead because of me.
Now:
That night I slept well like I've not done in months…twelve months exactly…one year…exactly…exactly…yeah, I needed her even for sleeping…I don't know…her thin body…the fresh scent of her hair…the physical contact between my belly and her back…my legs confused into her legs…my fingers between her fingers…my mouth so near her neck…this is what I need…this…this…this…
Santana woke up before her and turned around in order to look at her face. Her morbid movement made the blonde wake up too and when she opened her eyes she saw the brunette not more than two inches far away from her nose.
"G'morning, hon." she said with an innocent still sleepy voice.
Santana seemed surprised but in a positive way.
"Hi." she answered and smiled a bit.
With her left hand the blonde put San's hair behind her ear and with her thumb she lightly caressed her cheek:
"How do you feel?"
She instinctively closed her eyes and bended her head towards to her caress in order to feel it better.
"I've had better mornings than that, but…sincerely I expected to feel worse. Maybe it's your fault."
In that moment she felt so incredibly proud and happy…she made her feel a bit better!
"Come here then. Hug me and let me make you feel a bit less worse more."
"…a bit worse less more worse what?"
"God, you know I've never been good at Grammar, too! Come here and shout up, miss "I know anything"!" the blonde yelled laughing and then held her woman trying not to think that she was dying second by second into her arms, that she was seriously ill, that she was with her life in the hands of the faith and of the doctors that will have operated her in a few…
I held her hand during all the way to the hospital…it seemed to me so cold…
Since the moment they arrived at the hospital they couldn't neither speak, they needed to talk with a clerk, with some nurses and with three doctors, two surgeons and an anesthetist. You must do this…you must do that…we will come…this is where you can put this…this is where you can put that…I'm here to make you a sampling…one test-tube more…good morning, miss Lopez, how do you feel…who are you…I'm her partner…what do you do here…etcetera etcetera etcetera…
And then the last nurse came. He said Santana will have entered in the operating theatre in ten minutes. The brunette was on the bed. She closed her eyes. Brittany was sitting on the edge of it, she came closer. They were hand-holding.
"Have you ever been really really scared?" the brunette whispered then without still opening her eyes.
"Sure. When Joey fell down the stairs five years ago and cut her head for example. Why?" the blonde answered bending her head a bit.
"Because now I am that scared." Santana firmly said and at the end of her sentence slowly lifted her eyelids.
Honey…she just need some reassurances…
"C'mon, hon, don't be, your operation will end soon and I will be right here waiting for you and..."
"It's not that." she interrupted her shaking her head a bit.
I don't understand…
"What do you mean?"
Santana stared at her for a couple of moments just like she was trying to find somewhere the courage to say something she's never thought she will have said. She took some breaths. She licked her lips.
"I'm scared because in this moment when I'm supposed to be begging God so that He let me still alive, my only thought is that I want you to kiss me."
I-I-I-I…God…she wants me to kiss her…oh, God, thank you God…thank you…now just make her get well…please…please God…take my life instead of hers if you need one…take mine…not hers…please…
"And why does this thought scare you?"
She looked at her like this was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Because it means I'm more worried by the idea you won't than by the idea I could die."
"You know I'm just waiting for you to ask me that, don't be scared I won't." the blonde sincerely answered. She knew San knew…she were just waiting for one her little word…
"I know but...it's neither that." the brunette repeated. She still couldn't clarify.
"I really don't understand what are you trying to..."
"I'm totally unable not to fall in love with you every single time I look at you!" she interrupted her almost screaming while her wonderful dark eyes started to be full of tears, but her voice was still so sure, "I love you! I need you! And this terrifies me because you hurt me deeply like just you could do but I can't live without you and..."
She couldn't wait anymore…San had said "I want you to kiss me", "I love you", "I need you"…"I'm totally unable not to fall in love with you every single time I look at you"…"I want you to kiss me". And she did. The blonde didn't wait neither for the end of her sentence, because, yeah, all those wonderful sweet lovely words were totally relieving and reassuring and pleasant and wonderful and whatever, but…but she had said she wanted her to kiss her. And she's waited for that request for one entire year…
The blonde suddenly bended down on her with her long blonde hair melting with her brown one and at her leisure kindly leaned her lips on hers.
It was…it was like the room was swallowed up by the darkness…it was…it was like in that moment there was no time, there was no air, no order, no sadness, no missing, no silence…no shadow of a doubt…no living soul…in that moment there weren't almost neither them…there were just the hands and the hair and the lips and the tongues and the skin and the hearts…there were just two hearts…two hearts beating at the same time…two hearts beating in sync…two hearts beating like they were one…the hands held…the fingers twisted…the hair melted…the lips pushing…the tongues playing…playing a game they had missed so much…playing a game they remembered so perfeclty…playing a game they would never stop…
I tasted her truest flavor…I felt her full morbid lips pushing onto mine…I felt her tears wetting her and seeping slowly into our mouths melted…onto my tongue…onto her tongue…it was an another salty kiss…but I liked all her different tastes, even the sad ones…I felt her tongue into my mouth again…my head was totally in the cloud…at one point I couldn't distinguish my tongue from hers anymore…we were just…just…one soul and one heart, one being, one person, one love…
Coff! Coff! They suddenly heard from the door. They abruptly parted holding a little giggle and drying off their faces with their fingers.
"It's time, miss Lopez." the nurse said professionally.
"Thank you." Santana said then she turned to Brittany while the nurse with a co-worker started to push the bed out of the room.
"I love you like I've never loved anyone else in this world." the blonde said to her with a look full of love, "You'd better don't fuckin' leave me." she continued, then a little tear fell down her face. Santana raised her pinkie:
"I finger-promise."
Brit linked her pinkie for a little second, but then she might let go the hold.