When Sulrochil went to fetch her weapons from her lodgings, she understood that it had happened even before she realized it - watching Legolas.
But it could not have been that, she told herself as she ran back to the competition course. It was something else. What, she did not know, and her mind was in disarray. The whirlwind of confusion spiralled in her mind when she got back to the others. Deeply, she looked at the target at the end of the archery track, as if it could give her the needed answers for all these questions the unexpected emotions she had, had risen.
Earlier, when they had practised on the track, Sulrochil had felt every moment Legolas had been close to her. It was like their bodies had begun to become aligned, to find some balance together. When Sulrochil had become aggravated about the too-high wall, Legolas had put his hands on her shoulders. The very touch had cooled her off. She could not even remember what Legolas had said to her, most likely "calm down", but all she had felt at that moment was his strong hands giving peace to her.
The watching. Legolas had shown her the basic elements of jumping. She knew it naturally, and she had done it a million times, but today everything was befuddled, and she acted strangely. It had also been his arms at this time. Legolas had shown how the foot should be flat on the ground on takeoff, and then swinged his arms up as if jumping onto the wall. The gracefulness of his movements made Sulrochil fix her eyes at his arms.
Now she knew at what she had been looking; how she had been looking, but that was not possible. Everything she knew about that thing told her that elves know when it happens. She did not know anything, she did not feel anything, she did not understand... No, that was wrong. She felt something overwhelmingly strange. In a way it was pleasant, but since she was not certain - they were not certain - it was something horribly wrong, as if something had gone awry in a way she did not understand.
Now, they were waiting for the race to begin, and Sulrochil knew she should dare to look into his eyes, for in them could be the needed answer for her. No, she thought, not here, not now. This place is crowded - everything must wait until evening, when they could talk in private about all these feelings in which she seemed to be swamped.
Listening to the others talk about the forthcoming race, Sulrochil stood silently in her own thoughts. After the race, she would force herself to go and talk to him. For days she had felt something stirring in her, but had tried to avoid it altogether. Tonight would be the time.
The competition course was swarming with elves. Sulrochil was somewhat intimidated, all of the faces seemed to be watching them in their Mirkwood gear with keen interest. Why had she ever promised to do this? Had it been the smile on Legolas' face when he had asked her about this? Why are the people of Lothlorien coming to watch them as they were some kind of show animals?
"It is going to be just fine," she heard Legolas say next to her.
"I will be fine when this is over and I can climb a tree to be alone and congratulate you as a winner," she said; not looking at him.
"The game is not over yet."
"Aye, but I do not hold any expectations of winning. Everyone is better than me."
"You have other strengths."
"I know that, and yet I cannot beat anyone in this game. That is just my place in this world: being insufficient, lacking the needed abilities, being beneath the adequate level. Today I will lose. Please, just make sure you win," she said with a grin.
"If I win," he said, "how you can climb a tree and congratulate me at the same time if you are supposed to be alone?"
"I include you in my solitude," Sulrochil said, and when she uttered those words, she was terrified, because it was the truth. Never in her lifetime had she considered anyone - not even the dearest members of her family - as people with whom she would feel at ease all the time. Always she had needed solitude after being with people, including her family, for a long time, but now - today - when they had spend a long time talking, it had been as restful as being alone. Not even the long silent moments had felt awkward like they had before.
Today, she had felt only the soothing peace of the forest around her, when they had sat together leaning against the high wall. It was as if he was part of the forest for her. The forest was her home, the trees were her family - and today Legolas had been with her there, in the forest, and the spirit of her, him, and the forest had been united.
It had been better than being alone.
The jolt of this revelation shocked Sulrochil, adding to her confusion. Before she had time to think about it more, they were interrupted by Glawaron and another male elf who seemed significant.
"Good afternoon, Marchwarden Sulrochil of Mirkwood and Prince Legolas, Marchwarden of Mirkwood. May I introduce Chief Marchwarden Leithianor of Lothlorien," Glawaron said politely.
Greetings and niceties were exchanged, bowings took place. Sulrochil performed these acts, as she knew was the proper way of greeting someone new, but her mind was elsewhere.
"I will be the judge in the competition today," Chief Marchwarden Leithianor said, casting a glance at the elves around him. "There should be four competitors, but I see only three. Where is the fourth?"
"I am here, Chief Marchwarden Leithianor," the fourth competitor said.
Sulrochil turned to look at the elf walking towards them. Tauriel looked different than what Sulrochil recalled her being. She wore the Lothlorien Marchwarden uniform with pride, her hair was much shorter than before, and all her weapons were new. Sulrochil had never seen her this close, but Tauriel held the same aura of self-confidence she always had. In a way she was even more surefooted than before. It was as if she now knew her place in this world, even though she could not hide the trace of sadness in her eyes.
"Good," said Chief Marchwarden Leithianor. "Here are the rules for today: you are not allowed to touch the other competitors in any way, blocking others will lead to disqualification, and no teamwork is allowed." He eyed the pair from Mirkwood sternly. "All your arrows must go to the inner circle of the target, otherwise you will be disqualified. The starting point for each of you will be your archery track, then you run through the obstacle course and return to your archery track to first shoot 25 arrows in your quiver and then 25 arrows lying criss-cross on the ground. The fastest wins, unless disqualified. Any questions?"
"No, Chief Marchwarden Leithianor," said both Legolas and Sulrochil in unison, standing at attention. Tauriel did not say anything, but a brief surge of surprise flashed in her eyes when she saw the other two competitors in her peripheral vision.
"Now I will check your arrows and other equipment. Please, this way." Leithianor led them to the archery tracks and began checking the weaponry of the competitors.
While he was at it, Sulrochil dared to glance at the audience. The trees surrounding the racing area were full of spectators. All of the platforms held many people; making her uncomfortable about all this.
Leithianor took a few steps and began his speech for the audience. "Welcome to the warrior contest with four participants. We are delighted to have two representatives from Mirkwood to compete against two members of Lothlorien. The participants are Sulrochil, Marchwarden of Mirkwood, Prince Legolas, Marchwarden of Mirkwood, Tauriel, Marchwarden of Lothlorien and Glawaron, Marchwarden of Lothlorien. The audience must stay silent during the competition. You are not allowed to make a sound until the last arrow of the last participant is on the target."
Then he repeated the rules for the audience and asked the warriors get to their starting points.
Leithianor gave his signal and all four competitors began running towards the first climbing ropes. After the couple of first obstacles, Sulrochil was last as she had anticipated and decided not to pay attention to the others at all. The next obstacle was a pipe, and as she could crawl much faster, she quickly gained on the others. Through a few bridges, stairs, and fences they went, until the high wall was next. Sulrochil tried to forget all the drilling from the morning and just jump. And she did. She had her hands on the top of the wall and dragged herself over it. After that, she decided to only enjoy the race, and not even look at the others. She climbed and crawled and ran. Sulrochil was behind the others, but not very far.
Legolas and Glawaron arrived to the archery track at almost the same time. When both had shot ten arrows; Tauriel arrived, and finally so did Sulrochil after six more arrows. Once Tauriel and Sulrochil began shooting, both began to gain on the male elves, and they were not far behind by the time there were only the arrows lying randomly on the ground. Legolas handled these much faster than Glawaron, but it was obvious to everybody that Tauriel was the fastest in this. Sulrochil was quick too, and they both picked the arrows from the ground faster than the others. When Tauriel shot the last of her arrows and beat Glawaron, Sulrochil was not much behind. Legolas had already finished his task, and could watch everyone else's last shots.
When Sulrochil's last arrow hit the target, it sounded like the forest was humming when the audience cheered; the competitors waving slightly the branches of the trees. Legolas raised one arm and slowly turned around in victory. Glawaron congratulated him half-heartedly and disappeared into the crowds.
"The winner is Prince Legolas, Marchwarden of Mirkwood," announced Leithianor.
Sulrochil turned her eyes to Legolas who was already getting congratulations. It seemed like half of the Lorien elves wanted to come and talk to him. Tauriel tried to congratulate Legolas, but he was surrounded by the crowd and when she heard the conversation, she decided to leave.
People asked Legolas how he managed the last task so wonderfully, as he had been so close with Glawaron before that. He explained that was one of basic drills of the Mirkwood Army, giving him practice and experience. That led to a flood of questions about the situation in Mirkwood, of which he could not know much, for he had been away for half a year. Many questions about why he joined the Marchwardens of Mirkwood, and why he had quit at the army followed soon after.
Every question seemed to make Legolas' frustration grow, and Sulrochil felt sorry for him - did they not notice he disliked answering most of the questions? Then someone asked a question about the Battle of the Five Armies and how he had beaten Bolg then. Before Legolas even had time to answer the question, someone asked something about the dwarves and Tauriel. Legolas got visibly anguished when he heard the question - did Legolas believe he was somehow responsible for her abrupt disappearance after the battle? Or was there another reason for his agony? Sulrochil's heart ached for him, but she could not very well go and drag Legolas out of the crowd of curious Lorien elves.
When Legolas began describing how he had beaten Bolg, Sulrochil decided to go and pull her arrows from the target and climb the tallest tree she could find, for there was nothing she could do for Legolas that would help him. He only needed to endure all the questioning.
"Sulrochil, congratulations! You were amazing today," Eiliandes shouted, walking briskly towards Sulrochil who was pacing towards her target.
"Was I? I lost the game."
"Aye, you were. No one expected you to get so close to the others."
"Glawaron seemed to take losing to Tauriel quite hard. I did not anticipate her being so good at picking arrows from the ground."
"No, you only chose that task so Legolas would win," Eiliandes said with a smile.
"How did you guess that?"
"Sulrochil," Eiliandes said, "I have known you since childhood. You hate winning, you always have. You did not choose that task so you could win, but because you wanted Legolas to win."
"I am sorry for Glawaron."
"No need to be sorry for him; he will calm down soon, for sure. Would you have time now to come to visit our home?"
"I do not want to come if Glawaron wishes to be alone."
"He is not at home," Eiliandes said.
"Are you not going to find him, wherever he is?" Sulrochil asked.
"Of course not! Let him be alone for a while, he will come home before nightfall. He is probably practising how to shoot arrows from the ground. Please, do come," Eiliandes said.
"Then I would love that," Sulrochil replied, and they began walking down the path while Eiliandes told Sulrochil how the competition had looked from her eyes.
"Welcome to our home," Eiliandes said. It was a small hut up on a tree. It consisted of a common room and a bedroom. Sulrochil thought it was comfortable. She had been living in the woods, sleeping on the cloak swings for decades, and using her cousin's place as a some kind of a home base when needed; this kind of a hut could be quite nice. She looked at the common room with a simple table and two chairs, in addition to rugs and pillows for sitting on the floor. Those would be nice, especially during the darkest months of winter. In her mind she pictured two steaming mugs of hot tea on the floor in her future home.
"Please, sit down on the rugs," Eiliandes said. "I can give you water and dried fruits, if you would like. I know you would like hot tea, but unfortunately I cannot offer you that. We usually eat at Glawaron's parents' home, so there is no cooking area here."
"Thank you, I would like that if it is not too much of a bother," Sulrochil said and wondered, why she had pictured two mugs of tea instead of one, even though she was certain she had imagined a lovely relaxing night for unwinding on the soft rugs. Never could she have visitors in those kind of moments.
"Not at all." Eiliandes opened the cupboard and took some water, some dried apple slices, and cranberries.
"Oh, dried cranberries!" Sulrochil exclaimed.
"Since when have you liked them?" Eiliandes said, and gestured towards a small bowl full of the red berries.
"Well, it is not me… I mean…"
"I see," Eiliandes smiled. "I should have guessed the fondness in your eyes was not for the berries. I guess it is someone else then, who likes cranberries?"
"You are right," Sulrochil said, eating one of the berries. "Legolas loves these."
"Please, eat as many as you like and take the rest of the berries for him; we have plenty in the storage. You can also take the rest of the apple slices to share with him. It will be good to come back to Mirkwood with you tomorrow and see my parents again. I have not seen them in years. It has been difficult lately, but now I feel like everything is getting better. Perhaps everything will turn for the better before the elves finally leave this world. Perhaps there can be peace in Middle-earth and in our homeland too. You know, Sulrochil, I will always consider Mirkwood as my homeland, even though I have been living here for centuries. It is such a gloomy place, but I hope it can begin to flourish soon. I have a feeling it will. Please, tell me, Sulrochil, what are your plans for when you get back home?"
EIliandes' chatter flowed in one of Sulrochil's ears and out the other. She drank a mug of water and felt a lot better, but fell into her thoughts again. She took another red cranberry and chewed it carefully, relishing its delicious taste. The image of Legolas raising his arm in victory and his slowly turning body came into her mind and did not leave her alone, making her heart bristle with incoherence and ambiguity.
"You seem to be thinking about something," Eiliandes said gently.
"Forgive me, my mind is elsewhere right now."
"If you want to talk about it, I will listen, but if you do not want to talk, then it is alright."
"How do you know when it is love with someone?" Sulrochil said bluntly, deciding to get to the root of the problem.
"Well, you just know it," Eiliandes smiled.
"But how?"
"You of course know this already, but I can repeat it for you, if you need to hear it aloud from me: you feel love in your mind, body and soul. There are of course other signs too, but if you feel it properly, it is real. It is a clear certainty in your soul. You cannot mistake it for anything else."
"It is difficult when I never wished for anything. How can I even consider this when I have always refused even the very thought of love? I do not want it, and yet I do. The problem is that I feel something, but it is not 'the clear certainty' you described."
"Sulrochil," Eiliandes took her hands in hers and watched her with concerned eyes. "There are a lot of things I would like to say to you, but I will not. You must find the answers on your own. However, I will say one thing. You have always refused love in your heart, you have not seeked it, nor wished for it. There must be a huge obstacle in your heart now and you must find a way to overcome it."
"How?"
"I do not know how, but if it is love, it will find a way - no matter how hard it is. Do you think he is the kind of person who would give up? Or you? I have never seen you give up on anything, and you cannot give up now. Since childhood, you have told yourself you shall never love anyone because you cannot have children, but the gift of marriage and the gift of having children are two separate gifts. You can have the first without the second. Gifts are gifts, and if you are offered a gift, please do not say no to it. You must stop resisting it and open your heart up to it. Please, let it breeze into your soul."
"Eiliandes, I am confused and overwhelmed. I have no idea what is wrong with me and how to overcome anything and I just want to get my thoughts onto something else for a while. Please, tell me about how things are in Lothlorien."
Eiliandes saw her friend truly wanted to get a distraction, and she began telling her about everyday life and some amusing encounters they had had when doing their Marchwarden duty. At some point she began telling about how she lost some of her close friends in the war and it almost made her cry.
"Sulrochil, would you like to go back to the obstacle track and run it through with me a couple of times? I believe that would cheer us both."
"That would be delightful," Sulrochil's eyes lit up.
They ran through the obstacle course a couple of times, shot arrows until they were exhausted, and sat on a bench under a beautiful mallorn.
"Thank you, I needed this," Eiliandes said draping her arm over Sulrochil's shoulders.
"Aye, thank you," Sulrochil said leaning a bit into her touch. "You are a blessing, Eiliandes. You are the only old friend I have left in this world, for all others died in the Battle of the Five Armies." She became suddenly pensive, as did Eiliandes.
They sat a long time and discussed dead friends and family members; about those who faded away afterwards; about relatives who sailed away; about the sorrow of the fact there is no future for the elves anymore. And about how painful it is to know you can never have children.
They also laughed, when they told each other about amusing facts about those who do not exist in this world anymore; when they reminisced the good days. It was already dark when they parted; hearts full of the anticipation of the shared journey home tomorrow.
Watching Eiliandes walk back home, Sulrochil went sitting by the high wall in the obstacle course. It was a bliss to just sit all by herself and listen to the trees humming around her and watch the starry sky. She had to admit to herself that she waited for Legolas to come. She had sensed him being in the same place for over an hour, not far from her. Does this mean he wants to be alone? Or is he waiting for her to come? Or that he does not want her to come to him? Oh, why did this have to be so complicated? It all used to be simple. Just a simple Marchwarden pair doing their tasks in the vast forests around Mirkwood. Just simple companionship with a trusted friend. Just simple patrols by night and day. So simple.
She decided to go find him.
After walking a short distance, Sulrochil found Legolas in the tent, in which they had shared tea this morning. Tea and an argument to be precise, she smiled to herself, thinking that she should learn to control her feelings.
Legolas was sitting by the table; his eyes closed and everything in his demeanour radiated anxiety.
"Congratulations on winning the contest," she said, and sat next to him.
"Why did you disappear earlier?" he said opening his eyes - but not turning to look at her.
"I went with Eiliandes."
"But why?"
"What?" Sulrochil snapped. "She is my friend, and I wanted to talk to her. Is that forbidden?"
"No," Legolas said. "Of course, not."
"Why are you asking me a reason for that, then?"
"For no reason," he sighed. Sulrochil knew him well enough to understand he was angry, there was a small change in the tone of his voice, and she could not fathom the reason for his anger.
"Why are you angry at me? What have I done?" Sulrochil asked.
"I am not angry at you."
"You are angry, but if not at me, at something else."
"A brilliant conclusion," he said vacantly.
"But why? Why are you angry?" Sulrochil turned to look at him, ignoring his remark. "Is the flood of questions from the Lorien elves after the competition the reason? You seemed frustrated earlier."
"Did you overhear their questions?" Legolas turned to look at her, shocked.
"They were so noisy that it was impossible not to hear."
"I am sorry," Legolas said, leaning his head onto his hands.
"You have no reason to be sorry."
"What did you exactly hear?"
"I left when you began describing the gory details of killing Bolg. I had no desire to listen to how you spilled the contents of his head all over the mountain."
"If you left at that moment, you did not hear the questions that got me furious." Legolas lifted his head and his agony was relieved a tiny bit, for if she did not overhear the unjustified questions about Tauriel and him, he could explain everything himself. He had not ever considered what people had said about him and Tauriel, but in a way it made sense - for a long time they had been tied closely together as warriors.
It made sense that the people had wished for the same thing he had been wishing for back then.
"I am sorry for that they made you feel so bad." Sulrochil turned to look at Legolas with concerned eyes and brushed his arm cautiously. Never before had she touched him to provide comfort for him, and she was lost in her feelings - never had she wished for it and still she could not be sure if this wasit. Something was lacking, and she did not exactly know what it was. Befuddlement and uncertainty filled her mind, and she hoped they could find the clarity together tonight.
"Legolas," Sulrochil said after a moment when Legolas did not answer. "Can we just start over?"
Legolas looked at her confused as she hugged him, saying quietly, "Congratulations, Legolas."
It took him a moment to realize what she was doing - her sudden closeness felt so overwhelming - but he heard the sincerity in her voice and so he also draped his arms around her and said, "Thank you, Sulrochil."
Their embrace lasted longer than it should for a simple congratulations. Finally, Sulrochil withdrew from it and said, "I have a present for you."
Her eyes were full of fondness when she dug a small pouch out of her pocket.
"A present?" Legolas looked at her and saw something in Sulrochil's eyes which made him finally certain of what she was feeling. He had been waiting for seeing that dazzling look in her eyes for days. Now it was there - and the beauty of it took his breath away.
"Aye, here it is." She gave him a little package wrapped in cloth.
"Thank you," he said, and as he opened it, his eyes shone as if the dried cranberries were the most valuable gift ever. He popped one of the red berries into his mouth and eyed the tent around them. Anyone could come here, it was a necessity they went somewhere else. Where, he did not care, as long as it was a place they could be in private. "I know a place with a magnificent view. Could we…, I mean, would you like to come with me there?
"It is already dark, I wonder how wonderful the view can be."
"I would like to show it to you anyway," he said, looking at the pouch of cranberries. "It is not the view, I think we need to talk." He lifted his eyes to Sulrochil's and found only complete perplexity in them. All traces of what he just had seen in them were gone. It pained his heart to think how long the road they still had ahead was.
It was not the length of the road he feared, though, and not even the possible difficulties on the path, only the eventual outcome. Could they ever find their way there?
"Alright," Sulrochil said. "At any time I prefer privacy over this open place."
When they began to leave, they saw an elf standing in the doorway.
"My Lord Legolas," Tauriel said, and bowed. "Please forgive me for interrupting you. I would not have done it, but I heard you asked to see me."
"You did not interrupt anything," Legolas replied. "We were just leaving, and there is absolutely no need for you to use the title anymore. Neither of us is part of the Mirkwood Army anymore, and you are now a citizen of Lothlorien. Please, call me Legolas."
"It is difficult," Tauriel said, "after all the time looking up to you and using the title. I cannot consider myself at the same level as you."
"Please do try," he said. "You left Mirkwood so abruptly. How have you been faring? Where have you been all these decades?"
"I had to leave… after that. I could not stay. Please, understand that I had to leave. I have been here and there. Alone. Did my departure cause any difficulties?"
"Of course it did," he said, "but I do understand why you had to do it. I am sorry for what happened; I am sorry for everything. Have you ever considered coming back?"
"No," was her immediate reply. "I cannot return. There is no place for me there anymore."
"I believe there is, if you truly wish to return," Legolas said. "I would like to see you back there. As would many others, including the King. Please, do come back. There is always a place for you in Mirkwood if you want it."
"I have to reconsider."
"Please do," Legolas said. "May I ask why you did not come to talk to me while I was here half a year ago with the fellowship?"
"I tried. I would have liked to meet you, but every time I saw you, you were with the hobbits or the dwarf," Tauriel said, and looked at Legolas. When she uttered the word 'dwarf', for a brief moment, her eyes were filled with love for Kili - the dwarf she had loved, but lost sixty years ago. Soon, she composed herself again and resumed her speech. "I could not come to talk to you when you were with them. I would have wanted to meet you alone."
"I understand," he said, his tone laced with compassion.
"You have not introduced me to her," she said nodding towards Sulrochil, not wishing to think anymore about the love she had for Kili. For decades she had mourned for the dwarf. For all eternity she would mourn for him. Any distraction - no matter how small - from her all-consuming sorrow was welcome.
"This is Sulrochil. She is my - ," Legolas said looking at Sulrochil and then turned to look at Tauriel, finishing his sentence, "Marchwarden partner." When Legolas turned his eyes from Sulrochil to Tauriel, he could not hide his feelings for Sulrochil anymore. A shy smile crept onto his lips, and his eyes shone for the briefest of moments, full of love.
"It is my pleasure to meet you, Sulrochil," Tauriel said with a wide smile. She had, of course, noticed the love in Legolas' eyes, and was truly happy for him. He deserved love - and the whole of Mirkwood deserved to finally see love of their leaders and to live in a Kingdom sheltered by the love of those leaders. Perhaps her homeland could begin to flourish finally, after all these difficult millennia of desperation. Not even her own misery could prevent Tauriel from being genuinely happy for Legolas and Sulrochil.
When Tauriel turned to look at Sulrochil, she expected to see the same spark in Sulrochil's eyes, but was met with a pair of green eyes looking back at her in absolute terror.
"I am also delighted to meet you, Tauriel," Sulrochil said hastily, looking at the two smiling elves in turn. Every rumour she had heard about them decades ago rushed into her mind. Then, she had refused to listen to them, but now, they all made sense.
It was the truth, then, what she had heard then, and at the Battle of Five Armies something horrible had happened, something unutterably terrible that had made those two depart in different directions. Whatever the cause had been, she did not wish to know, but it was clear it had been dissolved now.
The love in their eyes when they looked at each other, told Sulrochil enough. "Please excuse me, I forgot something at Eiliandes' home. I must at once go back and get it."
She bowed deeply to the two elves in front of her, and left.
Tauriel looked at the swish of Sulrochil's braids at a total loss when she quickly rushed out of the tent. However, when Sulrochil turned to the left and began running, Tauriel knew what had happened. "Go after her, Legolas," she said, horrified.
"Why?" he asked. "She will come back after she gets whatever she forgot at Eiliandes' home."
"No one ever has bowed for me like that," Tauriel said, "and I truly hope no one ever will do it again. Besides, Eiliandes lives over there."
Legolas looked at her finger, pointing to right, and when he truly pictured Sulrochil's bowing in his mind, he realized she had not bowed for Tauriel as a polite bowing meant for greeting, but she had bowed for both of them.
Sulrochil had bowed for Prince Legolas and his… He could not finish that line of thought. Anguish filled his heart, when he realized what Sulrochil must have believed, what she thinks happened, and especially what she must be feeling now.
Legolas ran after her, every possible outcome stabbing at his heart with each step.