4.1 IF I SAID "I LOVE YOU"

A knock resounds in the still-water bathroom like a gong. Miyavi doesn't have to bring his submerged head out from the water to know who it is, but the knock/gong is so sudden that his head automatically snaps over.

At least Maya has the decency to knock first.

"Come in." Miyavi's own voice astounds him. He's in water, naked, a bed only meters away. How can one person be so stupid as to make the same mistake over and over?

Hesitant boots are first to step inside the door's threshold. Black jeans follow, fitted dress shirt, black, and gold necklaces that catch in the bathroom's dim light; and finally, the face of Maya. A face Miyavi's wanted to see for so long.

"Konbanwa, I just wanted to…" Maya pauses, turning away as he realizes where Miyavi is. Miyavi tries to ignore every bit of hurt in the voice he knew to be happy. "Sumimasen, I didn't know you were in the-"

"Maya, shut up and come here." It's uncanny how similar their voices are, especially as Maya starts to protest.

"No, I'll come back later; Gomen, Miyavi, I-"

No bubbles obscure the view from the top of the water, and Miyavi knows that Maya knows this. He gets up from his reclined position and uses long arms to his advantage, pulling Maya into a crouched position in front of him. Maya looks nice with wet eyelashes.

"Hi," Miyavi says in English after staring, not having anything else intelligent to say. He tries a grin at Maya's bewilderment, still holding onto the other's upper arms gently. He waits for a response while Maya has reverted to closing his large brown eyes.

"Oh, grow up. It's not like you haven't seen me naked before."

Maya shakes his head, sniffing and smiling soggily. And though he does open his eyes, he looks nowhere but into Miyavi's. Indecision and sorrow are clear- two looks that are not good on Miyavi's former guitarist.

"I just wanted to... to talk to you, see that you got home safely." There's a glint of something else, embarrassment, or maybe knowing. "I was worried that you didn't return my calls-" Maya's eyes look down to the floor, where his feet would normally be, as Miyavi releases his arms. "Why didn't you tell me you were going away for so long, the night we…?" It trails off as a horrendous, nightmare-laden question/memory. Maya's eyes connect with Miyavi's, hand rubbing his arm where the grip had been.

Miyavi doesn't answer. He picks a spot on the porcelain bath and stares at it for quite some time. It soon becomes blurry, because Miyavi starts to lose focus again.

Maya's hand is warm on his bare shoulder, words of apology soft in his ears.

"I'm sorry, Miyavi, I didn't mean to-"

Miyavi shrugs the hand off his shoulder, numbly letting the phrase, "Ii ja nai betsu ni" resound through the room's clean tiles. There's a white silence afterwards.

"Ki-Ah… I missed you."

The name sends shivers up Miyavi's spine. The last time he heard it, the last time before L.A. …

"Maya, if I had a yen for every time I've heard that come from your mouth…"

"Then you'd have three shitty pieces of yen, Ki-ah, because I didn't mean it before. I mean it now, though, and I'm truly, truly sorry."

It doesn't make sense. The water is too cold for anything to make sense. Miyavi unbuttons Maya's shirt slowly, removing necklaces along with it. They shine against the light, like the streaks of green and pink throughout Maya's dirty blond hair.

"How so? Sorry that you really miss me now, sorry you missed me in the first place? Sorry you're telling the truth?" The shirt slides like silk off of Maya's shoulders, piling like it on the floor. "Sorry that you're lying, if you are?" Miyavi works on the belt buckle as he waits for a reply, not daring to touch Maya's smooth skin.

"No, Ki-Ah, sorry that I haven't told you this before…" Maya brings a hand down from his belt buckle to help tug the jeans off. "I want to stop trying to get over you." Boots and socks are kicked off in the process, and underwear soon follows.

The tears in Maya's voice have faded; his eyes dry. Big and dry and beautiful.

Miyavi guides Maya into the bath above him, eyes making it clear he expects nothing but company. Maya lies down next to Miyavi, the fit easy in the larger-than-standard tub. He complains about the temperature at first, but Miyavi quiets this by crawling closer to him, throwing his arm over a tanner-than-four-months-ago chest. His skin feels nice.

"So you're giving up on giving up on me?" Miyavi's skin and tattoos stand out underneath the water. He kisses Maya's neck, absently admiring them in their warped states. The ones on his finger especially. "And I don't have any say in this?"

Maya laughs at this- it boarders nervousness. "This water is fucking cold, Ki-Ah." It's an excuse to pull him closer, a slip of his lips against the soloist's shoulder and collarbone. "Is this how you always take a bath?"

So, it's a resounding no. Miyavi can't stop it before a couple tears have leaked through his closed eyes. He promised himself this wouldn't happen, but here he is with Maya in a tub, naked, together, with so much skin to share between them, so many feeling that could have been, under different circumstances. Maya had belonged to him first, but Universal had made sure to ruin that along with the rest of his personal life. Now, Maya was just coming to Miyavi because things are over with Aiji and his hurts can't heal by themselves. Miyavi doesn't like being second-best so much. He can only imagine how Maya felt when Universal came before him.

"Ki-Ah, please don't cry… I haven't seen you smile in two years, koibito."

All the pain and sadness from Miyavi's arrival home came back miraculously as Maya held him there, hugging him close like how Miyavi remembered. It didn't make a difference that they were close; perhaps it had sparked the tears that are salinating the bathwater, but perhaps Miyavi's sanity had just run away with him again. He cries for a long time into Maya's chest. If possible, the water is colder by the time he's finished.

Maya's hand has rubbed a rhythm onto his back, shushes repeating in his ears. He laughs and withdraws from a rather worried Maya, wiping his eyes and smiling sheepishly. He notes that they are sitting up now, and wonders when they got that way. He doesn't wonder, though, why Maya has the worried look in his eyes as he wipes away the tears Miyavi missed. Miyavi gently bats the other's hand away, grin wiped from his face.

"Gomen, Maya, it was inappropriate of me to-" He sighs, not wanting to be in the situation, not wanting to say the words so robotic and custom, expected and polite.

"If I said 'I love you', would you turn the hot water on?"

"Ki-Ah…"

"Fine, then."

Miyavi reaches over Maya and pulls the drain up, letting cold water spiral down. It's not a mistake for Maya – Maya provoked the whole damn thing. It's not supposed to be like this; they're together again. They're not supposed to be together again.

Maya is still worried as Miyavi moves to turn on the hot water faucet and plug up the drain again. Steam rises from the bottom of the bath, and Miyavi's frigid toes defrost as gushing water echoes around the room.

He sighs and leans back only to be caught against Maya's chest, in his arms. He laughs as his neck is tickled with bites. Yes, he is out of his right mind.

"I forget what it was like when we were together, Maya."

Maya smiles sadly; Miyavi can feel it against his spine. "No you haven't baka; that's why you're sad, still."

Leaning his head against Maya's collarbone, Miyavi feels the unnoticed tears run down his cheeks. Unnoticed by himself, at least- he thinks Maya should be a psychologist because his ability for reading minds would come in handy.

The water is up to their waists now, as Maya giggles and kisses his cheek from behind.

"Come on," he whispers. "Be happy with me tonight, just tonight." His cheek is wet as it lies against Miyavi's shoulder. "Just tonight, koibito…"

It is Miyavi who feels guilty now. He feels like he owes Maya at least this. So, he turns around in Maya's arms, water sloshing over his legs nonchalantly, and stares him straight in the eye with a big, Miyavi smile. He leans forwards and kisses him cutely, the Maya who has wet streaks down his face despite a grin.

"I don't feel like taking a bath so much anymore, Maya." He's still grinning, Miyavi is. The statement is kind of a waste of water, judging that the liquid is now making ripples up and down Maya's smooth chest. It follows the dip of his sternum, and Miyavi is enticed enough to lean beneath, tipping his nose with water, to kiss the skin there. He's gentle, possessive, and it's stopped Maya's tears by the time he's come up.

"What do you say to drying off and getting into bed?" Maya looks hesitant, so Miyavi brings up his wrist and kisses that. It smells like chlorine. "I had a long flight- I'm tired."

Maya nods in agreement and Miyavi climbs out of the tub so he can help his former guitarist out, but a hand halts his progress.

"Ki-ah, wait." Maya's voice is gentle, like the sun in the morning. His lips match, taking Miyavi by surprise. So much so that he slips, coming back down.

It's screwy how much Ki-ah has forgotten of Maya's mouth, screwy how fast he learns again.

He didn't know he had been moving his hips against Maya's.