Disclaimer: The characters are property of Janet Evanovich and I am not making any money from this story. The story line is mine.
Warnings: This story poses a chocking hazard; please do not read while consuming food or drink. Please be sure to have used the bathroom before reading to avoid any unnecessary "accidents" that might occur. I am not responsible for any outburst of laughter that might occur while reading at work. Any chance you get fired – NOT MY FAULT. Thank you!
Plum in Pampers 10By, Elissahara30
Mary Lou's POV
I slumped against the door after I pushed Lenny and the kids out. Thank god he came when he did, because I didn't think I could take it much longer.
I ran for my kitchen in search of my emergency ice cream. I flung open the freezer and reached for the back. I pushed the frozen peas out of the way and grabbed the bag of chicken gizzards. I opened the bag and pulled out my Ben & Jerrys back up only to find it empty.
I blinked at the empty container and then moved into action when I heard Stephanie starting to weep in the front room. I ran to my cupboard and pulled out my box of wheat chunks looking for my stashed cookies only to find the box empty too. What was I going to do? What kind of Burg woman am I? I have no coffee cake. I felt the first stirrings of panic bubble in my stomach, what if the Lady's Social found out?
I looked up at the cupboard again and noticed the box of Lucky Charms. I pulled it down, "Yes!" I shout as I dump the box on my counter and start plucking out all the marshmallows. I make sure I have a good handful and made my way into the living room. I just go to Stephanie when my door bell rang. I jumped and just threw the marshmallows at Stephanie.
"Look Mare, I got a rainbow," Stephanie said before she popped it into to her mouth.
I looked between Stephanie and the door trying to figure out what I should do when I heard, "Hey, anyone home. I got this chicken here and the damn grease is running down my arm. Fuck, there's a dog here sniffin' at me. Will ya open the damn door?"
I rushed for the door and flung it open and I think for the first time I met Stephanie's infamous food fairy. Lula was decked out in a purple tulle skirt, black spandex shorts and top so tight I swear she would fall out any moment. But to finish it all off she had purple glittery wings attached to her back with the elastic stretched so tight it was almost to the breaking point. She was holding several different bags of food. Lula pushed past me and made her way to my kitchen. She started unpacking all the food she brought.
"Good thing Batman called when he did. 'Cause it gave me time to load up on enough stuff to set Stephanie right, ya know. I got here a bag of donuts, chicken from Cluck in a Bucket, McDonalds, and here is the Ben & Jerry's." She took out six quarts and set them on the counter, "Well, shit this isn't going to work."
"Why," I asked while eyeing all the calories on my counter. I think I just gained twenty pounds.
Lula waved one of the Ben & Jerry's in front of my face, "This here Cherry Garcia is low fat. My girl can't have low fat ice cream. A time like this needs real sugar not this low fat shit. Who ever heard of low fat ice cream any way, just not natural." Lula plunked the quart on the counter and fished around her bag for her cell phone. She pushed one on her speed dial and put it to her ear, "Hey studly could you go to the store and get me a couple quarts of B&J. Ya, you do know whada I like. Uh, ha . . . ya . . . I yo mama."
"Hmm, Hmm," I cleared my throat loud enough to draw Lula's attention back to me.
Lula snapped her phone shut grabbed a quart of ice cream and walked into the living room to Stephanie. I put away the rest of the ice cream in the freezer before it melted too much. And then made my way back into the living room. I sat in a chair and watched in amazement as Lula started spoon feeding Stephanie.
Once Stephanie consumed the whole quart she looked at Lula and me. "I'm sorry," she said.
"Oh, honey you don't need to be sorry." I patted Stephanie's hand.
Lula rolled her head over at me and snorted, "Hell, she needs to give up the skinny on the sperm farm if you ask me."
"Someone stole the profiles on the donors I picked out," Stephanie moaned into her hands. "Now everyone's going to know."
Lula leaned closer to Stephanie like a dog with a bone, "Well then there ain't any harm in spillin' is there? Aren't we yo best friends?" Lula pointed at me and then herself.
Taking in a deep breath Stephanie said, "I wanted my baby to have dark skin, and brown eyes. . . .," her eyes got a far away look in them, "some of the files have photos in them and there was this guy . . . he was a medical student. Said his parents were mixed race, and he was beautiful."
I stood up and said, "Lula will you come into the kitchen with me, I think Stephanie needs more comfort food."
Lula just gave me a glare and I followed up with my version of "the eye", "Damn, don't do that, shit I'm commin'"
Once I had Lula in the kitchen and out of ear shot of Stephanie I said, "What do you think you're doing out there?"
Lula planted her feet, and her hands went to her hips, "I'm trying to help."
"How? By interrogating her about her donor choice? We need to stay out of this," I implored.
"You just want her to choose Super Cop," Lula accused as she started to pull out more ice cream.
"I did not say that," I opened up the freezer and put the ice cream back.
"Maybe not, butcha thinkin' it," Lula took the ice cream out of the freezer again.
"I think you want her to choose Ranger," and I put the ice cream back into the freezer.
"And what if I do," Lula glared at me as she grabbed the bag of donuts and made her way to the living room. I flung my arms and in the air and looked up at my ceiling, Why me? I picked up the chicken and grabbed napkins and plates and headed back into the living room.
"Yo know what you need Stephanie. Yo need to forget this whole sperm thing. Yo've got two good studs already." Lula was nodding her head about her idea as she was stuffing a donut in her mouth, "Yah . . . yo could get Super Cop and Batman both to donate. Then mix'm up real good and then get yo'self pregnant that way."
Stephanie and I booth turned dumb founded expressions to Lula, "What?" Stephanie asked.
"See that way yo don't haveta choose. Oh, hey maybe yo could be one of those woman who give birth to twins and they each have a different daddy. Ya know a two for one kinda deal" Lula smiled real big, "Then everyone be happy."
"No twins," I said. I love Stephanie; I really do, but twins? I closed my eyes as I suppressed a shudder.
That's when my door bell rang again. Lula stood up and answered it and there in my doorway was Tank. He held up a bag with ice cream and a fifth of tequila. "Someone had placed and order," he said to Lula.
"Damn skippy," Lula said.
Oh shit, I thought. This was going to be a loooong night.
A/N: I did it, I wrote more. Doin' the snoopy dance. Please let me know what you thought. Really, I want to know if there are still interested readers out there. Show me the love.