I thought about leaving the band, I really did. I even had my bags all packed up and told my mom I was thinking about coming back home because this whole stupid band thing wasn't working for me. She seemed pretty happy about that, she really doesn't trust or like Murdoc….I don't either, not right now anyways. He freaked out when he saw that I had my bags packed; he didn't believe I was smart enough to be angry at him for what he did to me. Of course I'm angry and of course I was serious when I said I was going to leave….Just I never left.
After Paula left he started sending out flyers and holding auditions for new a new guitarist. When he wasn't busy with that he was busy with trying to make me start talking to him again.
Whenever I'd enter a room while he was in it he would just watch me kind of like how somebody would watch somebody with a loaded gun. Completely scared almost, like he was just waiting for it to happen; he makes me feel like shit, he makes me feel bad for being mad with him. I'm the only actual friend he has had, I think about that and I feel like a prick for treating him this badly. Badly…I treat him badly…..Whatever it isn't like I'm leaving, I don't think that I am anyways.
Why?
Well weird thing, another weird thing to add to my long long list of weird thing in Stu Pot's life. We got this huge box outside of Kong, carried it in, and it said it was from Japan. We sort of just figured it was some God knows what that Murdoc ordered off of the internet, but he kept saying he hadn't ordered anything. So we got it open and when we looked inside there was a little Japanese girl. Not a doll, an actual living breathing girl. I don't know why or who, but one of the guitarist wanted flyers were in the box with her. I don't think she even realized she'd been shipped from Japan to England, she just had these headphones on and a red guitar in her hand.
We got her out of the box and sat her down on the couch. We tried talking to her; y'know get her name or where her mom and dad were at, but she just sort of looked at us like we were odd to her. She doesn't speak any English, well she speaks a very little bit of English. Only word that she can say is 'noodle'. When we would ask her name she just told us noodle so we kind of have just assumed her name might be Noodle. Dumb name if it is, even though I guess 2D is a dumb name….We still don't know why she's here; she doesn't seem scared or anything like that, it's funny she acts almost like she's lived here all her life or knows us. She's gotta be maybe nine or ten years old at the oldest, she can play guitar by the way. God the kid is a great guitarist, Murdoc doesn't seem thrilled with having her here, but he doesn't seem to hate her. He said as long as she doesn't get in the way and since she can actually play then she can stay here. I felt like he wanted to say something about Paula but he didn't.
Last night I was in my room working on songs. Murdoc came in, which confused me at first until I realized I completely forgot to lock the damn door. I figured he'd be angry, drunk, stoned, or one of his usual states but he wasn't. He just came in with his hands in the pockets of his trousers and looking down at the floor like some awkward kid or whatever. It's gotta be about the second time I have seen him and actually kind of thought he is really good looking. Like….He isn't all that bad, right? He's just a bit moody and locked up about everything and really frustrating and hard to trust, but he's easy to like and then he comes into my room looking like he's scared out of his mind and like some stupid teenager and then I start thinking how much I really like this bloke and how beautiful he looks.
That's when I'm confused, my most confused about everything.
He didn't say anything; he just grabbed the suitcase off of the floor, sat it on my bed and began unpacking it and putting my stuff away. I didn't stop him, I should have; I should have told him I can leave if I want and I'm not sure if I want to or not yet.
I wasn't angry at him or anything; I don't think that I can be angry at him for too long. Doesn't help that when I get angry or have to think a lot then I get really bad migraines, I sort of blame Murdoc for them sometimes.
After he put all my stuff away he left like it was nothing. I felt like going after him, hugging him, talking to him, or…..
I don't know why my mind goes there, I don't even want to write it down because a part of me is paranoid that he'll find my journal and then the other part of me just thinks if I never write it down then maybe I'll stop thinking it and I can just keep on thinking that I don't feel anything about him or think about him in a certain way that you shouldn't think about your best mate.