Thank you for all the reviews last chapter. It was the most reviews for a chapter that this story's had so far. I appreciate everything. Please see the end for an author's note.
Oh! I almost forgot...there is some violence in this chapter. Kanan has another vision of Ezra in the Pau'an's hands. Let's just say a beating is involved, so if you don't wanna see that, please skip this chapter.
10.
Hera wasn't fast enough to catch him, and the thud of his body hitting the floor made her feel sick. She turned him over gently, cradling his head and searching for any wounds, but he hadn't physically hurt himself. "Kanan?" she called into his face softly. With care, she lifted an eyelid, and saw that his eyes had rolled back into his head so that just a hint of his blue-green irises was visible. She felt him tremble in her arms, then she looked up to see Ezra's worried face.
"What happened?" Ezra whispered, kneeling down with Hera.
"I don't know. He got up and just passed out." She felt his forehead, and it was cold, but sweaty at the same time.
"I knew something was wrong." Ezra murmured. "I don't know how, but I knew." He could see that there was no blood or other sign of trauma. He wondered if he could somehow duplicate the way they had talked to each other during training that morning. "Let me try something."
"Anything." Hera said, softly.
Ezra closed his eyes, took some relaxing breaths and then began to try and touch the Force. It glowed with a roseate light that seemed to move around him and through him. When he bent his gaze on Kanan, the Force shone like a small sun, as bright as a supernova. The Light was so bright that it cut through his thoughts like a well-honed knife, causing him to let out a little cry and disconnect from the Force completely.
"It's so...it's so bright." Ezra shook his head as he sat back. He looked up at Hera's questioning gaze. "The Force. It's all around him."
He was alone in the darkness, but not alone; there were presences in the Force around him. Different voices were murmuring words he couldn't make out. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate, looking for one particular voice, and the noises began to quiet as forms took shape around him.
Ezra.
In front of him, the boy sat on his heels, knees bent underneath him and his eyes downcast. His hands rested placidly on his legs, as if he were relaxed, but tears tracked down his face.
He was older, with very short hair and a fresh, jagged wound, the type that would leave a scar, trailed from his hairline down the right side of his face. He was dressed in some sort of black uniform with dark gray armor. Ezra was painfully thin, with dark circles under his eyes that spoke of unimaginable sleepless nights.
He wasn't reaching for the light side of the Force; the cold, angry fire of the dark lit his churning thoughts. After long moments, the tall, thin figure of the Pau'an, came into view. The creature was dressed similarly to Ezra and was holding a lightsaber with a strange circular guard in his hand. With no warning, he used it to strike Ezra on the side of the head and the boy slumped to the floor. Kanan tried to move forward to do something...anything...but all he found he could do was watch, gritting his teeth and clenching his fists. Blood from the wound began dripping down the side of Ezra's face as the stunned child tried to right himself.
"When meditation doesn't help, perhaps pain will motivate you, apprentice." There was a pleased glow in the Pau'an's yellow eyes at the way Ezra struggled.
He looked up and Kanan felt sick to see Ezra's expression filled with angry hatred. "I can't do it.I won't."
"The Lasat and Twi'lek will die by your own hand, or you will die at mine.To become what you were meant to become, you must sever all ties to your past."
Tears coursed down Ezra's cheeks and he moaned. "I can't…. The light...it's so strong...they're my family-"
The Grand Inquisitor backhanded him, splitting his lip. Pain and anger glowed in Ezra's eyes, as he was hit again, this time with the Pau'an's fist.
"Let the pain instruct you." The Inquisitor said, a hungry look on his face. Kanan could see that the blood excited the Inquisitor, feeding the dark monster slithering and writhing in his soul. It was greasy and nauseating, making the air around them thick with dark side energies.
No. No. No. Kanan shook his head. The innocence of the kid he'd come to know was now gone. Ezra's brave, strong soul had been replaced by this hollow shell that hovered on the edge of unspeakable evil. He could feel Ezra's fear...his hopelessness...his utter exhaustion.
He tried to reach for Ezra again, but couldn't. This was an only an image of the future.
Clear and strong, he heard Depa Billaba speak to him for the first time in fifteen years, her words heavy with meaning. "The Pau'an planted seeds of fear which will grow wild in this fertile soil.They will bear poisoned fruit, my Padawan." A brilliance began to gather on the side of his vision.
His heart stopped. "No..." he whispered.
"Yes," she replied sadly.
The light continued to converge on the edge of Kanan's vision until he felt her beside him. She stood on the margin of Kanan's vision, dressed in her brown Jedi robes. He would see her if he but turned his head, her dark hair woven into thick braids and golden marks of illumination on her brow. And he also knew that seeing her would break something in him. He couldn't bear it.
The Inquisitor continued to beat Ezra until he fell to the floor. The creature began kicking the boy, and then pulled out the fire whip. At that, Ezra finally raised a hand helplessly. "Please," he cried, tears mixing with the blood coating his face. "Please..."Crimson dripped from his swelling lip and he licked it, grimacing at the taste. Ezra's eyes glowed yellow with mingled fear and hatred as he glared at the Pau'an. Kanan stepped forward again but was stopped by an iron grip on his shoulder.
"Watch," she said.
Disgust rolled off of the Inquisitor. "Give in to your anger.Use it.You know where their cells are. Finish them both."
Ezra stood up woodenly, trembling. The Inquisitor shoved him toward the door as he tried to gain his footing and Ezra fell against it, his hand leaving a bloody smear. "I can't..." he cried helplessly.
"You will find that you can." The Pau'an said as he pushed Ezra out of the door and the scene dissolved as if washed away by water and Kanan was then alone, with the spectre of his long-dead master standing at his side.
His voice was a strangled sob. "This can't happen, it can't."He kept his eyes downcast. The warmth of her Force-signature shone beside him, but still, he dared not look. The Master-Padawan bond between them was renewed and he marveled at the sensation; he'd never thought he would feel it again.
"He needs your guidance," she urged. "Without it, he will fall, Caleb, and he will take others with him."
He struggled to argue, his face turned away, but his words became slippery. "I...can't.I failed you.I'll fail him."
"You failed me?" she asked, the hint of a sad smile in her voice. When he didn't answer, she reached out her hand and placed it against his cheek. Her skin was warm and alive. "Caleb.How could you ever fail me?"
Kanan turned, then, still not looking at her, looking down, but seeing her hand reaching up to grasp him by the shoulder. "I shouldn't have left...I should have been by your side.I should have...stayed by your side until...until the end." His last words were barely audible.
"No, Caleb.Don't..." And then he was wrapped in her embrace. He clung to her as if no time had passed at all, and he was still her fourteen year old charge. "Let this guilt go, Padawan.You are not to blame."
"I'm so sorry." He mumbled into the rough brown fabric of her Jedi robes, but she understood despite his tears.
"No need to regret anything.Oh, Caleb...You were so young... too young to be fighting a war." She held him tightly until his tears slowed. "I'm afraid I wasn't very good at non-attachment, for I loved you so, my youngling." Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, they parted. "Look at me, Padawan," she waited for him to raise his gaze. "Do not question what the Force has decreed. This is my last lesson to you.There is no point wishing for what was.There is only what is.You cannot let him fall to the dark side, my Padawan. You have been standing in the same place for a long time.It's time to find your path again."
"You...you don't understand…"He lowered his gaze, embarrassed. "I've not…not been much of a Jedi.I've lost my way."
"And you will find it again."The glow of her Force signature began to overwhelm her form and he knew she was fading, being diffused by the Force, incorporated back into its fullness again. "Trust yourself, but above all, trust in the Force." The light was fading and the warmth of their bond began to fade as well, until all that was left was a feeling of emptiness.
He came back to consciousness slowly with Hera was holding his head in her lap. He was squinting, his eyes still overwhelmed with the light he'd seen in his Master's Force signature.
"Hi." Hera gave him a worried smile, smoothing his sweaty hair back from his face. He sat up, feeling overwhelmed. His mouth worked, but he couldn't find the right words, and so shook his head and said nothing. He reached up and scrubbed at his face, which he found to be wet with tears.
"Kanan?" Ezra's voice came from his left side and held a note of panic.
Kanan had a terrifying second where he thought he was going to turn his head and see Ezra's blue eyes turned yellow. When he looked, however, the kid was the same as he always was. Ezra's bright blue eyes looked full of worry, but otherwise he was okay. Kanan reached out and brushed his fingertips over Ezra's forehead where the scar had been in the vision.
Ezra looked to Hera, who gave a bewildered shrug. Before he could look back to Kanan, the former Jedi swiftly enfolded the kid in his arms and held him tightly. "You okay?" Ezra managed after a moment. "Getting hard to breathe…"
The vision he'd experienced had hit him again and had caused him to clutch Ezra more tightly. The vision seemed to repeat itself entirely in his senses...the smells of blood, tears, terror and despair as the Pau'an tried to force Ezra to. . .to do the unthinkable. With a monumental effort, Kanan released his grip on the boy. "Sorry...I'm f-fine," he murmured.
"It's okay." As Ezra spoke, Kanan looked over at him, like he wanted to grab onto him again and
never let him go.
"What happened, love?" Hera reached out and laid a hand on his shoulder.
"Bad...dream." He shook his head. "I really can't remember." Lying again. He wanted to tell them everything, but how? How could he tell Ezra what he saw this time...this time it was so much worse than the last time. "I just overdid it, I guess." He mumbled.
"Kanan, I looked, using the Force, when you were out and . . .I saw a brilliant light—like looking into the sun. It's gotta be something more than just a dream." Ezra leaned in.
Kanan shifted uncomfortably.
"Kanan…" Hera said, "Tell us what's wrong. You have to talk to someone."
He looked from Hera to Ezra. "What we need to focus on is the mission today...not worrying about some bad dream." He got to his feet slowly, wavering a little. "We can...we can talk about this later..."
Hera's voice stopped him at her door. "Kanan, don't." He could sense her draw near. He put his forehead against the cold metal of the door and closed his eyes.
"Hera...Ezra...I can't. Right now, I can't," his breath was harsh, as if he was in physical pain.
Ezra stood up and went over to him. "It's okay," he said simply. Without any other words, he reached up and gave Kanan a one-armed hug. Slowly, the former Jedi returned the gesture, then Ezra turned and shared a look with Hera before he left for his room.
When Hera finally did approach, Kanan turned to look at her, his eyes dark and wild like some untamable creature that was sure to startle and flee at her approach. "Come here," she said softly, holding out her arms and coming in close.
He took a few steps forward and was wrapped in her embrace. When she put her arms around him, she could feel him shivering; his skin was cold. They stayed that way a long time, holding each other, until his shivering intensified so much that, without words, she led him to the fresher. He was tired, she could feel it in every movement, and therefore was compliant with her direction.
She reached in and started the water warming up. They had just been at the spaceport, so the Ghost's tanks had plenty of water for a hot shower.
She checked his eyes and watched his face as she reached down to the hem of his shirt. He didn't balk when she lifted his shirt over his head and tossed it nearby.
Despite her worry over his mental state, she couldn't help but notice Kanan's body and the scars that it held. There were two blaster wounds, long since healed, on his side and several other scars she couldn't identify. As the steam thickened in the fresher, she couldn't help but brush over them with her fingers. He jerked away slightly as the touch of her hand startled him, but then he leaned into her warm caress.
"B-battle w-wounds from...the w-war," he murmured in explanation, his teeth still chattering.
She tried to imagine how old he must have been and then realized he had only been a little older than when she first met him. "You were young," she murmured, her words echoing his master's.
She looked up, as if asking for permission as her hands trailed down to his grey pants. He caught both her hands in his own. She could feel him trembling.
"You've caught a chill," she said, leaning in to push them down as she kept her eyes leveled on his. She smiled teasingly at him. "Don't worry. I won't look."
"You're gonna be the death of me, Hera Syndulla," he breathed as her hands brushed down his hips. He kicked the rest of the clothes off, but never looked away from her shining green eyes.
"Probably. But only after you warm up in there." She gestured to the shower. He held her gaze until he found the fresher door with his hand. When he turned to get in, she looked, catching a glimpse of his perfectly formed backside. Heat from within flushed her cheeks. Force! He was going to kill her, more likely, she thought with a flash of desire. "I'll...bring you some clothes." It was best to get out of here while she still could…before she did something that they'd both be sorry for later. He was in a vulnerable state and the last thing she wanted to do was to take advantage of that.
"T-thanks." He replied, gratefully slipping under the hot water as she left. As he began to warm up and his shivering slowed, his thoughts seemed to slow down too. The vision of Ezra and the Inquisitor had been terrifying, but the calm came when he realized he'd die before he'd allow it to happen. Thinking of training Ezra…that was for later. Being distracted wouldn't help them all come back safely, he thought as he worked the soap through his hair. And they all had to come back safely. All of them.
When he came back into Hera's room, towel wrapped around his waist, he saw her sitting on the bed, looking down into his bag, her face twisted with sadness.
"Hera?" he asked softly. He looked down into the bag when he was close enough to see it and he realized she was looking down at the two pieces of his lightsaber. She was holding a shirt in her hand that she had gotten for him, but apparently she'd been stopped at the sight.
"It's the same one?" she whispered, looking up at him.
"Yeah," he reached past it, pulling out sleep pants. He didn't know how long it was until morning, but the sleep pants would be warm. The vision seemed to have left a chill that kept returning. He slipped them on under the towel, then pulled the towel off to rub over his damp hair before he found a dark gray shirt to pull over his head.
"It got broken?" she asked sadly.
"No," he shook his head, reaching down to take the two pieces in his hands and click them together. It was the first time he'd held his reassembled lightsaber for a long time. He stepped back and engaged the blade. It glowed an effervescent blue that was somehow comforting. "It's harder to recognize it as a lightsaber when it's in two pieces. I always wondered why the Force led me to make it so that it could be broken down like that." He turned the saber in his hand, watching as the blade lit up the room and hummed. At one time, this weapon had been his life.
She looked at him, thinking he was also in two pieces: his life as a Jedi and his life in hiding trying to survive. Somehow he had to find a way to put the two halves back together again, but it wasn't proving to be an easy task for him.
He reluctantly disengaged the blade and broke it back down into two parts. He sat down beside Hera, still holding the pieces in his hands and turning them over and over. "Guess the Force knew what was coming."
"What happened tonight?" she asked softly.
"A vision," he answered her. "It…it was bad. I…I think I saw Ezra fall to the dark side." He held back the rest of the truth—what the Inquisitor was trying to make Ezra do to her and Zeb. "This...this was more vivid than the push from the Force." He swallowed hard, feeling his mouth go dry. "The P...Pau'an will take Ezra as his apprentice unless he's taught to be a Jedi." He clicked the two pieces of the saber back together again.
Hera's vivid green went pale. "Kanan..." she began. "He's just a kid…"
He shook his head, reaching out to take her hand with his free one. "I won't let it happen. No matter what."
He placed the saber back in his bag, then laid down. Hera curled up next to him, the heat of her body pushing away the last of the chill. The sensation of convergence came again, of all paths leading into one. There was only one choice to be made, one road to take. Maybe it had always been that way. Maybe it was time to stop standing still.
A/N: I had to rewrite the vision scene twice because I lost it to some strange computer glitch. I hope it still comes across okay. The second thing is the admission by Depa Billaba that she loved Caleb. I know Jedi don't have attachments, but it made sense to me for several reasons. Number one, it seemed to fit because of what I read in the comics. You can really feel the affection she seems to have for her young charge. Also, to me, Depa seems like she would bend the Jedi rules, at least as much as she could if the situation required. Number three, she is disdainful of some of the Council's decisions during the graphic novels. And lastly, she has moved on to become one with the Force, which gives her a fuller understanding of the universe far, far differently than the Jedi ever had. I see that she has risen above the "rules" of the Jedi to become something more.
I hope you enjoyed!
Next up: planning and execution of the rescue! Sabine gets to know our favorite space family. Oh...and another cliffhanger, if everything goes right.