AN: I keep thinking the updates are going to slow down, but this one came together fairly quickly. A special thank you to PurdueLiz who gave me a kind shout out in her update of More Than a Memory this week! I appreciate each and every review. I wish I could buy you all a cup of coffee! Come visit the Twilighted thread to chat up the story!
Oh yeah, no claims on the characters!
Chapter 10: Friends in Low Places
EPOV
It all happened so quickly I still wasn't convinced it was real. One minute I was ditching my afternoon classes to hop a plane, and the next I was lying naked on the couch with Bella.
I wasn't sure what happened to my control. It was as if I'd lost power over my own words and actions.
I never intended for it to happen. It was only yesterday that Emmett introduced me to the idea of Bella beyond friendship. Yesterday. How was it possible that we were here bathing in post coital bliss?
That wasn't to say I was upset by the turn of events. Far from it. I spent my whole life in control, and it never got me anywhere. One night of abandon led me to this. What was this? I didn't think I had a name for it yet. But it felt good. No, it was better than good, better than anything I'd felt before. Bella called it love. And I'm sure we did love each other. We always had, but I didn't think she meant she was "in love" with me.
I always thought of Bella as unsure of herself. I still had a vision of her as an inexperienced, scared high school girl. She didn't seem to be either anymore. From the moment she told me to "let go," she was confident and fearless, everything I'd always thought she could be. She owned me. I was supposed to be helping her feel better, but somehow I think I got the better end of the bargain.
I thought back to the conversation Bella and I had all those years ago about sex and love and what lies between. A large part of how I'd defined good sex back then was a lack of awkwardness and an ability to anticipate needs. What we'd just done had all of that, but there was something else too. Just remembering it made me hug Bella tighter.
We were still facing each other. I was utterly relaxed, not yet in control of any of my faculties. Apparently the connection between thought and speech was destroyed as well.
"I was so stupid, Bella. I should have done that years ago."
She kind of chuckled next to me. "Oh you should have huh? Would I have had a say in it?"
I smiled back at her. "You couldn't have resisted after I showed you all that great porn."
We were both laughing then. So relaxed. Too relaxed.
"I mean, I can't believe I picked Eric and Mike over me." I was still kind of laughing, but a look of confusion settled on Bella's face.
"What do you mean?"
"Oh it's nothing really. Just I always wanted you to be happy in high school, you know?"
"No, I guess I don't. How did you pick my boyfriends?" She sat up on her elbow, intent on an answer.
"I didn't really. I mean it was more the power of suggestion."
Bella's expression continued to twist which alerted me to the fact that I needed to get my shit together.
"Are you saying that you got me laid in high school? Did I need your help to get a date?" The confusion lingered, but there was distress in her voice.
"No, really, it wasn't like that Bella. Seriously, I don't know how to explain it. They liked you. They did. I just helped them see it, I guess. Gave them a little push. You deserved to be happy."
And suddenly her face was a jumbled mess of hurt, uncertainty, shock, and fear.
"Edward, why did you just have sex with me? You said something like 'do you want to feel good?' Is that was this was about? Was this a mercy fuck?"
"Oh god, no, Bella . . ." But she interrupted me.
"I don't think I can process any of this right now," she spat with incredulity.
I wanted to throw up. I was embarrassed for sure as I never intended to reveal my role in Bella's high school dating, but now she thought I made love to her for all the wrong reasons.
"I promise you, that's not what this was. I told you before. I don't know what to call it. I'm sorry I can't say what you did, but please know that I did not do this because I feel sorry for you." I poured as much sincerity into that statement as I could.
She looked away, contemplating something.
"It's been a really long day, and I'm so tired. It's just too much. I can't begin to wrap my head around anything. If I try to tally up everything that's happened since I got up yesterday morning, I'm pretty sure I would simply fall apart. So, no more tonight. I think I should go to bed, and you should get to your hotel."
"I can stay, Bella," I nearly pleaded.
"I think I need to be alone right now, actually. I've got some things to deal with."
We found clothes, and got dressed awkwardly. It wasn't long before we stood at her door, saying goodnight. I must have looked like a lost little boy.
I'd been on an emotional roller coaster since lunch yesterday, and as much as I wanted the ride to be over, I didn't want to leave like this. It seemed like there must be another loop or twist left in the track.
"I'm really sorry, Bella. Will you still call me in the morning when you want me to take you to the hospital?"
"I will. I just need a little time. Goodnight, Edward." And with that, I gave her a quick kiss. She turned to head back in the house, when I grabbed her arm.
"Bella, I . . . you mean so much to me. Tonight was . . . ," I searched my memory for that day. What had I called it? " . . . something else."
She sighed, and nodded.
I couldn't go back to the hotel. I knew sleep wouldn't come, and I hated the thought of being holed up in that room, trapped in the thorny brush of my emotions.
So, I went to the town's main drag. There wasn't much, but I recalled a couple of bars. The distinguishing feature of small towns was an equal ratio of bars to churches. It was just after midnight, so I knew I had a little time to drown my sorrows before closing time.
I picked the first one I saw. I'd never stepped foot in a Forks tavern. Obviously, I was too young when I lived here, and my parents weren't patrons, so I had no idea what to expect. I'd really only been to trendy college bars where everyone was trying to impress the hell out of each other. I had a feeling that the scene would be different here.
One word came to mind when I walked through the door—dingy. Everything was gray. The paint peeling off the walls, the floor, the bar itself, and the tables and chairs. The only things that stood in contrast were the neon homages to alcohol—Miller, Bud, Pabst, all American beers—the faded green pool tables, and the torn red barstools. The room seemed to have a split crowd. The people gathered in the pool area were younger. Around my age maybe, but they didn't share much resemblance to the groups I typically saw in the college bars. It looked as if they'd come directly from work—no expensive jeans or fashionable hair cuts. Just friends hanging out or maybe escaping home.
The remaining customers scattered around the tables and stools were older. It didn't seem like they were there for fun. No laughing or companionship. They stared at television sets or at the younger kids, chain smoking and heckling the one waitress who was probably lucky to get a dollar tip from each table all night. She was busy working the room, so I never got a chance to see which crowd she would join if she weren't on duty.
I knew I'd be out of place, but I sidled over to the bar and picked a stool that wasn't adjacent to anyone. They didn't have bottled anything, so I went with a tap. It didn't matter. I wouldn't really taste it anyway. At the last second I added a shot of whiskey. Neither would have been my choice, but I assumed martinis weren't too common here.
I tried to blend in by staring at the small TV screen mounted on the wall. At this hour, there was some Jerry Springer type talk show on. Seems someone didn't know who their baby's daddy was.
I was feeling judgmental and superior until it occurred to me that I hadn't used a condom with Bella. What an idiot! The last thing she needed right now was more concern or worry. I wanted to call her right then to help give her some peace of mind, but I didn't want to wake her if she was sleeping, and I wasn't sure she'd be happy to hear my voice.
My stomach was rumbling, and that pizza was a faint memory. I scanned the bar area to see what my options were: chips, pickles, and beef jerky appeared to be my only options. I wondered if anything were open in this town to get something else, when suddenly a basket of popcorn plopped down in front of me.
"It's not much, but it beats the pants out of a stale pickle."
The first thing I noticed was her hair. It was still that same corn husk shade of blonde. She looked exactly the same as she had in high school, except her entire aura just read tired.
"What are you doing here, Edward?" she asked as she sat down next to me.
"I just needed a drink," I responded simply.
"Obviously. I mean, what are you doing in town?"
"I came to help a friend." The truth of that statement hit in its entirety. I came here for Bella but I hadn't acted like someone who really wanted to help her. I was entirely selfish as I worked through my own emotions.
Lauren registered understanding, and she nodded.
"How's Chief Swan doing?" Had it not been for Emmett's conversation yesterday, that question would have made me fall out of my chair. It didn't leave my notice that she hadn't asked about Bella.
"He's stable. Everyone is hopeful."
"I really am glad to hear it. It doesn't explain why you're here alone though."
"Bella was tired, and I couldn't sleep yet." It was a partial truth at least. "So, how about you? What are you doing here? Are you by yourself?"
"No, I was with a friend. We were just about to leave when I saw you sitting here. You looked a little lonely."
"I wasn't."
"You can fool a lot of people, Edward Cullen, but I spent years reading you, and I think I'm better at it than you ever gave me credit for."
"Perhaps. So, what are you up to these days? I heard you got married," I acknowledged, putting the spotlight back on her.
"Yup! We had a little girl too, Emma. She just turned a year last month." She was beaming. As miserable as I was, I could still be polite.
"You must have pictures then." I'd never known a parent not to.
"Of course," she said as started digging through her purse. She handed me a couple of wallet photos. The girl was a mini version of her mother. That same hair and smile. "She keeps me busy. We kind of jumped into things, you know? So it's all had its ups and downs, but it's worth it. We moved to Port Angeles before Emma came since there were more opportunities for work there. This is just my weekly girl's night out."
"I'm glad you're doing well."
"And you? Are you still in Chicago?"
"Yeah. I'm pre-Med at Northwestern."
"Not surprising. Is Bella there with you?" She looked down when she posed the question.
"No, she's still in Phoenix. This is actually the first time I've seen her since we left."
"You can't be serious! How can you maintain your relationship that way?"
"People have long distance friendships all the time, Lauren." I thought the question was ridiculous.
"Are you seriously telling me you two aren't together yet?" A realization dawned as to what kind of together she meant.
"It's a little complicated at this point."
"Ah so there is more to the story, huh?
Obviously, I wasn't going to give her the entire story, but she was clearly pressing for details. "You know what's funny? I only just found out yesterday that people knew Bella and I were friends?"
She laughed. "That doesn't surprise me. You two were in your own little bubble."
"It really was that noticeable, huh?"
"Painfully," she said quietly, and I caught the double meaning.
The past two days had been surreal. I guess I shouldn't have been shocked that I was now sitting here about to have the closure conversation with Lauren. How absolutely appropriate in this fucked up chain of events that I should go from sex with Bella to a conversation with Lauren in the same night. How often had it been the reverse? There was a large part of me that wanted to end our chat right there. I could have said I was tired, that it was good to see her and given her a final compliment on her little girl.
Another part of me knew the last couple of days opened a crack in the window of regret. It was too late to close it now. It would be trapped inside. My only hope was to open the window wide to let the air flow freely.
"Why did you put up with it, Lauren?"
"Have you looked in the mirror lately, Edward?"
"Oh come on, Lauren. With your looks, you could have found plenty of guys good looking enough."
"Yeah, but they would all have been too easy. I liked the challenge. And the sex was pretty damned good if I do say so myself." She sat up a little taller when she said it. I was sure she was fishing, and what the heck, it was true.
"I would never deny that, but I really was an asshole. It honestly didn't occur to me at the time that you would want anything else, but when I play out now, I can see how blind I was. And how it had to hurt you."
"Is that an apology?"
"No, but this is. I'm sorry."
"Accepted. Really, it's all water under the bridge. It bugged me, but I got over it. I have pretty good memories of that time. Of course, I can't actually share them in mixed company," she acknowledge slyly.
"So, it was the challenge that kept you around?"
"I think so. At least in the beginning. Then I suppose it was something else. A different challenge really. I watched you with Bella, and I wanted that. You two always looked so happy together."
"We were."
"Were?"
"Like I said, it's complicated."
"Why?" She asked innocently, but I just shook my head. I wasn't going there. She didn't give up.
"Edward, I know you never thought of me as very bright, but it always seemed to me that when it came to love, the two of you were on the short bus. I didn't mind so much because if she wasn't going to fight for you, I got the benefit, but why didn't you ever go for her?"
"I didn't think about her like that. There were flashes here and there, but at first it was just about trying to help her out of a rut. She was so . . . I don't know . . . helpless. You know. You preyed on it." She shrugged in acknowledgement. "What was that all about anyway?"
"I guess she was an easy target," she tossed it out there, but she looked away.
"Now, who's holding back?" I held her gaze to let her know I could be stubborn too.
"Okay, fine. So, you know I wasn't very good in school, right? Well for whatever reason, I was good at spelling. It was weird because most good spellers were good readers too—not me. And it didn't translate to good writing either. Eventually, it kind of faded too. Anyway, I didn't go to elementary school in Forks, but there was this spelling bee, and the kids from area communities got together for like a district competition. I represented a bunch of po-dunks who went to this consolidated school. And of course, Bella was the Forks contestant. I was so freakin' excited for that thing. It was a tough time because my parents were fighting a lot . . ." She trailed off for a bit, lost in her own thoughts.
"I had this fantasy that I would win and my parents would be so proud and they would come running up to the stage and hug me. We'd go out to dinner after, and they'd be so happy they'd love each other again." She paused again. "God, I was stupid." And she shook her head slightly.
"I know Bella doesn't remember this. But she beat me. And it wasn't just that. Her dad was there in the front row, and I could see how proud he was of her. My parents were so caught up in their own shit that they didn't even show up. So I hated her for it. Not fair, but it turns out, lots of things in life aren't fair, right?" And she looked down at her lap then.
It explained so much. It turns out both Bella and Lauren were broken. Hell, maybe I was too. The damage merely manifested itself in different ways.
"I'm sorry." It was all I could think to say. She popped up quickly and put on a semi-convincing smile.
"Anyhoo, back to you. Did you come to your senses?"
"What do you mean?"
"Did you figure out you love her?"
"I don't . . . " I was getting rather annoyed with everyone assuming so much about my feelings for Bella. "I mean, why do you think that?"
And like Emmett yesterday, she was laughing. "You can't be serious. See, this is what I mean. How can people be so smart and so stupid at the same time? Sheesh."
"Emmett was trying to convince me of the same thing yesterday."
"Who would have thought he'd end up the smarter of you two?" she said with wink.
"Look, I know I feel something for her. We really haven't been talking all that much, so this is very recent."
"It's not actually, but keep telling yourself that."
"Don't hold back, now."
"When have I ever? Edward, what do you think love is? What would convince you?"
"I don't know. Isn't there supposed to be some magic moment where you just know?"
"Oh screw that! You've obviously been watching too many chick flicks. Do you have fun with her?"
"Of course."
"And you want to spend as much time as you can with her?"
"Yeah, I do."
Her volume turned down for the next line. "Do you think she's beautiful? Are you attracted to her?"
An image of Bella from just hours ago standing naked before me popped up, and I know I smiled because Lauren looked away as if she saw a private moment.
"It's right there in your face, Edward. You love her. Do you think she feels the same way about you?"
"She said she did."
"Then what the hell are you doing here? For as hot as you are, you're really not very good with women are you?" She punched me in the arm playfully. I appreciated the lightened mood.
"So are you really happy, Lauren?"
"I am," she said emphatically.
"And Tyler . . . you love him?"
"Absolutely. It was a slow thing. I started dating him to make you jealous, of course. Clearly that didn't work. But he was really good to me, and he worshipped me. It was such a contrast from you that it was hard not to get caught up in it. Nothing's been easy. We're young, and we don't have a pot to piss in, but it's all good."
The simplicity of her life touched me. Lauren never over thought anything. Sometimes, thinking is all I do anymore.
We continued talking. She filled me in on what some of our former classmates were up to, and I told her more about my life since leaving Forks. It was the single longest conversation we'd ever had. By the time the night ended, I liked Lauren. We weren't on some journey to be great pals or anything, but I learned to respect her, and that was something I most definitely did not do in high school.
With conversation flowing easily, I lost track time. When the bartender announced "last call," I looked to the clock. I'd been there almost two hours, and some quick addition indicated I threw back a few more beers than I should have.
"Hey Edward, where are you staying?" she asked cautiously.
"I'm at the motel."
"Are you driving?"
"I have a rental, but I was just trying to figure out if I should hoof it." I'd already been completely irresponsible once this evening, and I was sure twice would be pressing my luck.
"It's not far, but at this time of the night it'd probably feel long. Why don't you let me give you a ride? I stopped drinking hours ago."
"I didn't even notice. How'd you let me sit here and drink myself stupid?"
"I have farther to drive. Plus, I may love my husband to bits and pieces, but something tells me I shouldn't trust myself around you in a drunken state." She laughed again, having no clue I'd already had my fill of taboo sex for the night.
She drove the same blue Corolla. I couldn't imagine how many miles the thing now had. Plenty of rust spots dotted along the side of the car. When I opened the door, it creaked loudly. She started it up, and upon hearing the groaning noise it made, I seriously wondered if I'd be better off walking.
"Sorry, she's a little past her prime, but a new car just isn't in the budget right now. She's been very reliable though."
"You should have that checked out though. I have a suspicion it's not healthy."
"Oh that's right, you were always handy with cars weren't you? Do you still tinker?"
"On occasion. Emmett and I still spend some quality time in my parents' garage, but we don't have a current project."
In the blink of an eye, we pulled into the hotel parking lot. I supposed walking back to get the rental wouldn't be so hard in the morning.
"You know. There's something I've always wondered, Edward."
"What's that?"
"How did you get my hood open?" she asked while putting the car into park.
"Huh?
"The day it wouldn't start . . . when you 'fixed' it?" She said the word "fix" with a facetious tone.
"I really never saw you clearly at all, did I?"
"Your loss, Tyler's gain," she quipped.
"I stole your keys out of your pocket and replaced them before the end of the day." She already knew the truth anyway.
"Ah. You're good. Hey, when you finally get to happily ever after, send me a thank you card, will you? Seems if it weren't for me always pushing Bella down, you wouldn't have needed to be the one to pick her back up."
When did she get wise?
"Thanks, Lauren. It's been an enlightening night." I got out of the car, and shut the door. She called out to me from her rolled down window.
"One more thing . . . in order to make Bella feel better, you had to break my car, right? Seems like a lot of wasted energy to me. Next time skip the middle man, and go straight to her. See you around, Edward!" and with that she drove off.
I reflected on these two women. I used to consider them polar opposites. Black. White. Mind. Body. Suddenly, everything was gray. I wasn't used to ambiguity. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to check the time. Roughly 38 hours since lunch with Emmett, and my foundation was crumbling.
I couldn't begin to make sense of anything tonight, especially not with influence of the alcohol teaming with lack of sleep, and emotional turmoil. I went to bed hoping that I could put the puzzle together in the morning, starting with finally naming what I felt for Bella.
E/N: As always my beta partner hmonster4 deserves all my appreciation. She really is *thisclose* to convincing me to expand Breakfast at Tiffany's.
As I'm doing a final read through of this chapter, my seven year old came out to tell me, "Everyone can have luck. You don't need a like a lucky coin. Luck is in your heart." Ah what a sharp little girl.