READ THIS NOTE FIRST BEFORE MOVING ON.

Here is the deal, I decided to move this story to Wattpad because it was easier to right whenever I wanted to when it came to the app. However, after recently reading my favorite fanfictions from a long time ago, I decided to update this story.

I have also changed a lot of the story. As I was editing what I had already written, I wasn't satisfied. The story has a few changes at the beginning, but around the homecoming arc it starts to diverge. So, for those of you who have already read the story, please try to go back to the beginning to get the new details and story line.

I don't know how often I'll be updating this fanfic, but you can find the same story on Wattpad as I'm more likely to update on there more frequently. Thank you.

I had a thousand miss calls from them. They don't know what happened that night. I didn't want to tell anyone. I avoided them the weekend that came after that. I knew they were worried sick about me, but I just didn't feel like talking. I wasn't in the mood to explain to them why I wasn't at homecoming or the events of that night. I especially didn't want to tell them about me and Josh.

I knew it was coming though. I'm in school and they've been giving me looks. They're dying to ask me why I didn't show up and why I was avoiding them.

The lunch bell rang signaling for the students to leave to the cafeteria or wherever they went for lunch.

I spoke before anyone at the lunch table could ask me anything. "I had an attack."

They all looked upset because they weren't there for me. "There's no reason for you guys to feel guilty for not being there for me. You guys didn't know. Josh was there with me when it happened, so it's okay. I wanted you guys to enjoy your night." I continued.

Riley grabbed a hold of my hand. "I'm sorry peaches."

"Just knowing you guys would worry about me is enough." I squeezed her hand. I didn't tell them about it. There was nothing more.

I gave out a yawn.

"You've been yawning a lot lately Maya." Farkle pointed out.

"Here have a sip of my coffee." Smackle passed me her iced coffee. I took a sip. It was just like how Smarkle loved it, with lots of milk and sugar. Something tells me her brain runs of 3 things: sugar, data, and Farkle.

"I've been sleeping later than usual lately."

"How come?" Riley tipped her head innocently.

"Just working on an art project. I can't seem to start it right so I'm just trying to get it how I want it to look." I easily lied. Over the years, I've gotten a lot better at lying.

They all nodded their heads before starting different conversations with each other.

I didn't feel like cooking dinner tonight so I headed to Riley's. I couldn't help but stare at my hand. We held hands. That was such a big step. I feel so proud of myself, yet why am I so scared? My hand could still feel the warmth from his. It was a fairytale, yet why is there so much doubt?

"Maya!" I snapped out of my daze to see Topanga.

"Yes?"

"Is this enough pasta for you tonight?" She held up a plate. I walked over to see pasta carbonara on the plate. It was one of my favorites.

"Definitely more" I smile up at her. She looks at me worriedly.

"Are you okay sweetie?"

"I am. I've just been sleeping late for this art project." I tell her the same lie that I told the others today. If she didn't believe it, she didn't show it.

She nodded her head and passed the plate over to me. Soon Riley came bounding in with a plate already set at her spot. From there it was a normal Matthew's dinner.

I couldn't sleep. I was sleeping over at Riley's. All I could do was stare up at the ceiling. As much as I wanted to toss and turn I couldn't, in fear of waking up Riley.

I just kept thinking about it. Ever since then, it's been eating at me little by little. Every time I thought about falling asleep the thought would come back to me. Then there in the corner I can feel darkness coming over. I didn't want my memory of this to turn bad.

I took a deep sigh and finally decided to get a glass of warm milk. Pasta tended to digest quickly for me so I was a little hungry. I headed to the kitchen, trying not to wake anyone else up in the house.

I opened the fridge to see that their milk was half empty. I pulled a glass from the cupboard before seeing a figure walk towards the kitchen. A fear started to overcome me before I saw the moon shine on her luscious hair.

"Topanga, why are you up?"

"I had the same idea as you. I wanted to get a nice glass of warm milk" She seemed a little too cheery for it to be the middle of the night.

She took a seat next to me on the dining table. "Or you were waiting for me because you knew that this would happen."

"You're intuitive as usual." I shrugged my shoulders.

We sat in silent minutes. It went on slowly.

Finally she started, "What's bothering you Maya?"

Should I tell her? Should I not? Topanga was like a second mother to me. I was able to rely on her when my mom was at work. She was the mother of my best friend and the wife of one of the greatest teachers ever. She was the smartest woman I knew, and she's met the world. Much, much more of the world than I have.

"I didn't tell anyone yet." I started off. She stayed quiet to let me keep going.

"I didn't go to homecoming last week. I was there at the door and suddenly memories of that night were trapping me. I felt the air go dark, the feeling come back. I was having an attack." She was still silent, but I knew she was listening intently. "Josh was there with me of course and he helped me through it. He calmed me down and took me somewhere. He took me to a dock that we used to go to. It's a little far from here, but it helped calm me down."

I could see the emotions in her eyes. She wished she could help me, but she was happy that Josh was there. She was happy that someone was helping.

"At the dock, we talked and reminisced. We had a good time. Then.." I paused and stared at my hand. The one that held my hand.

"I held his hand." I kept staring at it. I could a small gasp from Topanga. This is when she finally decided to speak.

"That's good! You made a good step Maya. Why is this so bad then?"

"It was a good step. I want to remember that moment forever, the moment I started going forward again."

"But"

"But what if I start going backwards again. Every time I sleep I keep getting this feeling of doubt and fear. I'm scared Josh is going to hurt me, or even worse I'll hurt him. I'm scared to feel like that time at that party. I'm finally moving forward, but what if I keep moving backwards?"

She gave me a loving smile. She scooted closer to me and pulled me into a hug. Only then did I realize I was crying.

"I know you're scared honey, but these What If's will do nothing but eat at you. What if you keep moving forward? What if you can finally forget what happened that night? What if this is the right choice? Did these ever occur to you? Moving backwards can only be caused by you. You're the only one that can control whether or not you want to move backwards. You're the one to decide what moves you forward and what moves you backwards. You can control what happens from here on. The only way you're going to move backwards is if you let yourself move backwards. Maya, don't let yourself move backwards. Move forward. You can do it, I know you can."

Was it really just me? Did I have full control of what could happen? Am I still moving forward?

I am. I can still move forward. I don't have to be moving backwards. I can move forward. I can go forward. I can go past this.

"Thank you Topanga, really."

"Now, finish your cup of milk and go to sleep. You need it." I started to head back to Riley's room when she spoke again. "And Maya?"

"Yea?"

"Please enjoy the fact that you finally got to hold hands with Josh because it's been so long. Savor it." She had a big smile on her face.

I couldn't help but smile with her. "I savor any moment I have with Uncle Boing."