Chapter 10: Ashford Twins, Goats, and…Pikachu?

Jill sighed out loud, while everyone snored away. She had no idea why she was able to awaken first, while everyone else remained conked out. Luckily, she had found a vial of bright pink nail polish on the ground nearby and occupied herself with painting Chris's fingernails since they were handcuffed together anyway. Chris giggled, snorted like a pig, and tried to roll over.

"Five more minutes!"

The door to the dungeon burst open, and Jill saw Alfred storm into the mucky room with a megaphone and a plastic cup with a lid and a kiddy straw. He put the megaphone up to his mouth, and screeched out at them all.

"Time to wake up, losers!" He then proceeded to slurp out of his straw.

Everyone jolted awake from the sudden outburst. Chris punched Jill right in the face after screaming and jumping to his feet.

"I'm up, I'm up!"

"Ouch, you idiot!" Jill snapped.

"Holy snickerdoodle, my fingernails are pink! It's such a nice shade! But I can't tell if it's princess pink or sexy flamingo."

Jill checked the nail polish. "It says sweet cotton candy."

"That's mine!" Alfred snapped, walking over to Jill and Chris and swiping the nail polish away from them. "I was wondering why this wasn't by my Happy Napper unicorn princess pillow!"

"Make him shut up! His voice is killing me!" Ada complained.

"Where are my minions?" Wesker grumbled, dusting himself off. He walked right on over to Alfred, dragging Ada along effortlessly.

"I took all of your evil minions to persuade to join my side!" Alfred cackled. "Plus, I needed some more hired hands to carry all my shoes when I go shoe shopping."

"Well, why did you take Rebecca? She isn't evil," Claire stated.

"Wow! We're handcuffed together Claire!" Leon exclaimed.

Claire patted him on his head. "Aren't you so observant? Good boy!"

"I know Rebecca is evil deep down! I just need to bring it out!" Alfred stated.

Jill snorted. "Rebecca? Evil? She's like a cute little bunny rabbit!"

"I always wanted my poop to come out like a rabbit's. So small, and perfectly round! So cute!" Alfred laughed.

Everyone stared at him oddly, and the evil male twin quickly cleared his throat and continued. "Anyways, just you wait and see! Rebecca will be the most evil of all my minions!"

Chris choked on his laughter. "Yeah, good luck with that."

"So, what exactly do you have planned for us? I'm trying to take a vacation here!" Wesker complained.

"Well, Alexia and I are still deciding what to do with you. I can't wait, there are so many torturous ways! But for now, enjoy your time in my dirty dungeon with these complimentary muffins I baked for you!"

Alfred clapped his hands twice loudly. A butler brought in a tray of muffins and sat them down on the nearby torture table. The butler quickly left, while the prisoners yelled in delight upon seeing the delicious batch of muffins.

"I love cupcakes!" Chris exclaimed, hopping excitedly.

"They're muffins, not cupcakes!" Wesker quipped.

"There's a difference?"

Leon slapped his forehead, shaking his head like everyone was stupid. "Well duh! Cupcakes are actually small cakes and usually have icing and are meant for dessert while muffins are a type of quick bread that is usually made with nuts or fruits for breakfast or snacks."

Before everyone could dig in, Ada smacked everyone's hands away. "Hello! Alfred made these muffins! They're poisoned or something!"

Wesker pouted while rubbing his hand. "But I really want that banana nut muffin right there."

Ada dragged Wesker along over to where Alfred was standing. "What did you do to the muffins?"

Alfred looked flabbergasted. "The nerve! My muffins are delicious! They're Martha Stewart recipe! Do you think Martha Stewart puts poison in her muffins?"

Ada let her shoulders sag. "No…"

"Okay then! Enjoy the muffins before you have to die miserably!"

"I got the banana nut!" Chris hollered, raising the muffin up like it was Simba from the Lion King.

Wesker's eyes widened behind his sun glasses and he whirled around, making Ada jerk along behind him. "Oh no you don't!"

Wesker slung his arm that was attached to Ada. Ada felt herself being thrown through the air, with only the cuffs to keep her from flying across the room. She felt her ass crash into Chris and they went down. Wesker caught the banana nut muffin in his free hand and ate it with a smile.

"You jerk! You used my body to slap other people!" Ada snapped, getting up from the ground.

"Well, I wouldn't have been able to reach Chris in time before he ate it without doing that!"

"Unless you want to become a eunuch and talk like Alfred I suggest you never do that again," Ada warned.

"Isn't that city? In like Germany?" Leon asked.

"That's Munich you, idiot," Claire sighed.

"Ohhh…"

Wesker only snorted at Ada's warning. "I am your superior and you cannot tell me what to do! I'll use you like a bat if I feel like it."

Ada's glare deepened and she kicked Wesker right in the groin. Wesker yelped, dropping like a sack of rocks to his knees and squeaking in pain.

"Right in the tyrant balls," Wesker squeaked.

"Oh, how I wish there was a rewind button for that," Jill snickered.

Next thing Ada knew, she was being slammed into Chris again. This caused Jill to jump on Wesker, and Claire to jump on Leon. Within seconds, there was a giant dust ball of flying fists, gnawing teeth, and flying bodies. The yells rose high, and Alfred burst into the dungeon wearing a yellow and blue dress.

"What is going on here?" he yelled above the noise of the fights.

The handcuffed prisoners came to a halt, pausing in mid-fight. Ada was chewing on Wesker's hair while Wesker was choking Chris. Jill was frozen in place about to kick Leon in the ass while Claire was about to punch her. It had turned into a complete mess in seconds, limbs were tangled, and the handcuffs were tight. The prisoners started to untangle themselves and dust themselves off, looking ashamed.

Then they noticed all the birds that had perched on Alfred's shoulders, tweeting happily. A deer, a squirrel, a few rabbits, and a raccoon had also followed Alfred into the dungeon.

"Wow, Alfred! Look at all the cute animals with you!" Claire stated, pointing at the Ashford twin.

Alfred looked upon his shoulders, as well as the animals that surrounded him. He jumped up and down angrily, roaring out at the animals and making them run away. "I'M NOT SNOW WHITE DAMMIT!"

Alfred whirled around back to his prisoners, pointing at them with a crazy look. "You guys better behave…or…or else!"

He slammed the door to the dungeon shut and was gone, leaving Wesker and the others to ponder and recover from their scuffle.

"Okay, we can't be fighting. We need to work together in order to get out of here!" Jill said, looking at all of them.

"She's right, no fighting," Ada sighed.

"So, how are we going to escape? We're handcuffed and have no weapons!" Chris exclaimed.

"Well, first off, we should try and get these handcuffs taken off," Claire suggested, looking around the dungeon for tools to use.

"Don't you wish at times like these you had super human strength to just tear the handcuffs in half?" Leon chuckled.

Everyone looked to Leon in surprise, and then slowly, everyone's heads turned to Wesker. Wesker glared at them, and then caught on. "Ohh…yeah. Alright, everyone line up and I'll break your hands."

"You mean handcuffs," Ada corrected him.

"Right…I meant that."

Wesker broke everyone's handcuffs in half, freeing them all. They grouped together, huddled like a football team to make a plan. First, they had to find the others and free them, then they had to get out of this place, wherever this place was.

"If this is anything like our time at Rockfort Island or Antarctica, then be prepared to face Dracula and an ant farm," Chris stated.

"You mean Nosferatu and an ant farm," Claire corrected her brother.

Chris got huffy. "They're both vampires and both counts! Excuse me!"

"Okay, everyone settle down. Now let's create teams and go find the others," Jill stated.

"I get Ada, Claire, and Jill!" Wesker called.

"Hey! No fair, that's all the women!" Chris replied.

"Yeah, we want some women too!" Leon complained.

"Look, it's all very simple. My team here is the smart team that will most likely survive this mansion while you two are the dumb team that will most likely die in some cruel, very awesome set of events. Besides, I'm the only real man around here. How can you take care of these women?"

"He does have a point," Leon suggested.

Chris growled at Leon and slapped him upside the head. "Shut up!"

Ada shook her head. "Oh, that's it. The women will make up one team, you men can make up another. Whoever finds the others and save them first is the winner."

Leon leaped in the air, all excited. "BATTLE OF SEX!"

Claire cleared her throat. "You mean Battle of the Sexes."

Chris conked Leon on the head once more. "That means we're stuck with Wesker, you idiot! He'll try and feed us to the ants!"

Leon jumped on Chris total Scooby-Doo style. "I don't want to be eaten by ants!"

Wesker rolled his eyes, glaring at Ada with her superior smile. "I hope you're happy making me get stuck with these losers. This is coming out of your paycheck."

"You don't pay me."

"Oh yeah…"

So with that, Ada, Jill, and Claire went on their merry way to go try and find the others before the men. Wesker turned to his two teammates, wondering how the hell he was going to be able to defeat the women with Chris and Leon. Chris was scratching his armpit like a gorilla and then sniffed his fingers to make sure he smelled alright while Leon made his hands bark like dogs at each other and pretend to fight them. Wesker slapped his forehead, groaning out loud. This was actually causing him pain, and not the good kind.

"Let's go, so we can lose and get it over with," Wesker growled, moving on.

"We'll never win with an attitude like that! Turn that frown upside down! No smiles, no whales!" Leon sang.

"No whales?" Chris inquired, confused. "That doesn't even rhyme!"

"I don't tell you how to live your life!" Leon yelled back, his feelings hurt.

"Well, at least I can rhyme! Rhyming is easy! Just watch all the hip-hop singers, they are professionals!"

"Wesker, Chris is being mean to me!" Leon tattled.

Chris gasped. "Tattler! I am not!"

"Are to!"

"Am not!

"Are to!

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No, you're not!"

"Yes, I am!" Chris yelled angrily.

"Hah! I tricked you!" Leon giggled.

"Damn it! I always fall for that!"

"Hey, where did Wesker go?" Leon asked, looking around the room they came into.

"He must have left us! We need to catch up to him and fast!" Chris answered.

The room they had entered into next was a dining room, and both men started acknowledging all the statues, paintings, and decorations of goats all over the place. There was a goat clock that watched them evilly as its tail acted like the pendulum. When it hit on the hour, the goat went BAAAHHHH. There was a goat piñata hanging from the chandelier and there was a large goat statue on the long dining table. There were several paintings on the walls depicting sad goats, happy goats, mean goats, and majestic goats.

"Okay, what's with all the goats?" Chris asked, getting creeped out. "Did Alexia replace her obsession with ants with goats? How does that make sense?"

"I don't know, but goats creep me out! They eat things they shouldn't and like to ram you in places!"

"Well, don't worry about it. None of these goats are real," Chris sighed, leading the way.

They left the dining hall out into a large hallway. The two men looked in either direction, wondering whether they should go right or left. It was then they heard some more goat noises and looked to their left. A goat came around the corner at the end of the hallway, black with a little gray beard and horns. He had a little collar that had a bell on it that jingled when he walked. The goat saw them, and started walking for them with flopping ears.

Leon freaked. "He's gonna eat my boxers! No!"

He turned tail and took off running. Chris screamed too, following right behind Leon as the goat kept coming for them in a funny run.

"Bahhhhhh-ahhhh!"

Ada, Claire, and Jill were making great time through the mansion, trying to locate the others. It was so easy, that the women were getting suspicious. It was unlike the Ashford twins to leave their place unguarded or full of zombies.

Still, they kept going until they found a kid blocking their path. No, not a little human. A young goat. It baaed at them in such a cute, helpless little way. Instantly, the girls melted, going "AWWWW!" and walking over to the little thing.

They were petting the baby goat, and the kid seemed to be enjoying it, until they felt hot snorts coming down their back. Slowly, the girls turned to see a giant, ugly, goat BOW that looked like it had been puked out of a bologna factory.

"Is that the mother goat?" Claire gulped.

"I think so," Ada stated.

"Damn, she's ugly!" Jill exclaimed.

The mother goat roared out at them, flinging spit out like whips. The girls screamed and took off running while the kid watched and baaed cutely, blinking big eyes. They were running through the hallways with this thing chasing after them. It made horrendous baaing noises as it crashed through the corridors behind them. Ada was in lead, followed by Jill and Claire, who fought over second place.

"Dammit woman, how the hell do you not break your ankle in those heels?" Claire barked.

"Yeah! You need to teach me that trick!" Jill yelled.

"I'll be sure to give you two pointers if we make it out of her alive!" Ada called back.

They saw Wesker coming up in the hallway. He peered at them curiously as the women flew by, sounding like NASCAR cars.

"Hi Wesker!" Ada yelled.

"Bye Wesker!" Claire called.

"Watch out for the demon goat!" Jill warned.

"Demon goat?" Wesker asked, turning around, eyes growing wide as the giant BOW ran straight over him like a truck and continued after the girls. "Ouuuchhh…"

"For the last time! I'M NOT EVIL! Now get away from me you prick!" Rebecca yelled behind the bars of her cell towards Alfred.

She looked out, saw that Nicholai was giggling and playing with baby goats, while the tyrants, Bob, and HUNK played cards. They had agreed to work with Alfred just to get out of their cells and have some fun. Alexia was actually in the room, playing Pokemon on her Nintendo DS. She giggled, and said something about her cute Charmander attacking a wild Spearow.

Alfred gave up, sighing heavily and walking over to his sister while still wearing his Snow White dress. "Alexia, my darling sister, you have been playing Pokemon for three days straight! Can you please help me antagonize our prisoners instead?"

"No! I need to win the next gym badge! And I need to level up my Pikachu more before I battle! And I want to find a Vulpix! But I can't find one anywhere!" Alexia complained.

"You have the FireRed version. You need the LeafGreen version to be able to locate a wild Vulpix," Pyramid Head stated nonchalantly, flipping out some cards for their game.

"Oh," Alexia mumbled, quivering her lip. "Does anyone have a LeafGreen version?"

"I got Pokemon Ruby," Nemesis stated.

"I got Pokemon Emerald," Mr. X said.

"I got Pokemon Sapphire," Rocko said.

"Diamond," Nicholai stated simply.

"Pearl," HUNK added.

Everyone looked to Rebecca, who sagged her shoulders while holding onto the bars of her cell. "Sorry, I traded my LeafGreen version for a collection of Digimon Cards." Rebecca then wailed out, dropping to her knees and balling. "Why, Digimon? Why?"

"Alfred, I order you to go to Amazon and order me a LeafGreen version! I need that Vulpix!" Alexia ordered.

"What?" Alfred snapped. "I can't go all the way to South America to get you a game!"

"No, ! DOT COM!"

The door to the room burst open, and in came Ada, Jill, Claire, and Wesker with guns aimed and ready to fight. Leon and Chris stumbled in afterward, cursing and complaining before joining their team.

"Let them go, now!" Jill ordered.

Alexia gasped. "No! We've been outnumbered! Alfred! Sound the alarm, hit the self-destruct button, and let loose my BOW Pikachu!"

"Oh, like we haven't heard that before! Always the alarm, always the self-destruct button, always the fight with the tyrant and blowing it up with a Rocket Launcher!" Jill complained.

"Wait…BOW Pikachu?" Claire asked, baffled.

The Ashford twins were already going through a secret door. They all chased after them into a large, underground laboratory. Rebecca was quickly released by Jill and Claire before they followed on behind the others. Alfred hit the buttons his sister told him to and they were off to the escape pad. Wesker, Chris, and the others were too late as they saw the twins get into an escape pod shaped like Spongebob Squarepants and eject out of the base.

"Looks like Team Ashford is blasting off again!" the twins yelled, disappearing.

"Well, let's get the hell out of here before-"

Stomping footsteps shook the ground. Something was coming for them, its large plump form hidden in shadow. A spark of electricity showed a flash of yellow fur, brown stripes, a lightning bolt tail, and cute, fuzzy red circled cheeks.

"Pika-Pee!" a deep voice boomed, and the BOW Pikachu revealed itself in the light with big, round eyes and a face so adorable, everyone was in love.

"Awwwwww! He's so cute!" Wesker giggled.

"Look at those little cheeks!" Rebecca laughed.

"And that adorable lightning bolt tail!" Leon exclaimed, clapping excitedly.

"And that cute spark of electricity!" Jill added.

In an instant, yellow electricity filled the large room, and everyone got shocked to hell. Everyone lost control of their bladders, limbs, and voices. Their skin burned and their hair stuck out like afros.

"PIKACHU, I SEE YOU!" the huge Pikachu roared.

"We have to fight this thing and get out before the place goes up in flames!" Wesker ordered.

"Easy for you to say!" Chris grumbled.

Nevertheless, they all managed to pull together to face the giant, demonic Pikachu. There were random weapons on the floor that they all managed to scoop up as Pikachu stepped closer and closer, a mousy smile on his face.

"Are you sure we can kill this thing, Wesker?" Ada asked.

"I'm positive!" Wesker called.

Chris gasped, his eyes going wide and stupid. "Wesker! You're pregnant? Who's the father?"

Wesker clenched his jaw, slamming his fist into Chris's face and knocking him out cold. "Alright, let's get this party started!"

"PIKA-PEE-CHU!"

A/N: Don't ask lol! This was so random and weird, I know! Had a blast writing it though, so I hope you all enjoyed reading it! Next chapter it is our favorite RE cast against giant, demonic Pikachu! With other random, hilarious events to ensue as well! Thanks for reading and reviewing everyone! You guys rock! :)