On The Outside Looking In
Chapter 10. Conclusion
The day was quiet, thankfully. Thom had indeed been gone by the time Kathryn had finished getting ready and he had even taken the time to write her a little goodbye note. A real one, handwritten. "Dear Kathryn. I deeply regret my decisions and I hope that one day you can forgive me. I will always want to be around you but I know you have to leave. You deserve happiness – and I'm not it. If ever you should feel like you want to contact me for whatever reason, please do. Yours always, Thom."
It seemed honest and sincere and Kathryn decided to keep it as a reminder. It wouldn't remind her of a bad ending relationship, but it would remind her of how closing one door could enable her to open another. She remembered a time in front of a cargo bay door, her hair up in an impossible bun and her shoulders squared under feigned confidence. Chakotay had seen right through it and his hand on her shoulder couldn't have been more needed. When that cargo bay door had opened and she had realized that the entire crew was behind her, that had been the moment that she had decided that this crew would always be her number one priority. Even back then she had felt strongly about Chakotay and the possibility he presented but she had also known that he would understand. And he had.
She had put away the note and left for work. Two guest lectures and a board meeting would keep her busy today and honestly she didn't mind the distraction. She had received Chakotay's reply to her message and she was looking forward to their dinner, although he had given her no indication she knew he would have something special planned. He knew her too well not to plan a surprise on a day like this.
Later that day her thoughts wandered more than once to things she usually didn't care about: What was she going to wear? Should she dress more formally or choose a casual outfit? Would he like her hair more if she left it down down or up? She felt like a teenager almost, and it was ridiculous; this was Chakotay for God's sake. She knew him better than anyone and she'd seen him in almost every possible emotional and physical condition. They had barely any secrets left. Her cheeks flushed a little at that thought, because it might just be those last few secrets that had her in such a state. Smiling at herself she headed for her office after the second lecture, ready to take a break and prepare for her meeting. It was almost 1500 and she had already started to plan her time: She'd be done by 1630 and hopefully be home by 1700, which left her with two hours of freedom. Thom had messaged her saying that he was almost done moving out, and he had added another apology – Kathryn almost pitied him, he really hadn't thought it through. She was happy he would be gone when she got back though, it wouldn't give her a chance to reconsider. Not that she would give in so easily but somehow she always seemed to put another obstacle between her and Chakotay and even though she had never thought of Thom as an obstacle she knew that she wouldn't let him become one. She had felt Chakotay's disappointment when she hadn't allowed his hand on her back even though he had tried to cover it, and she had felt so guilty and conflicted (even though they did nothing wrong) that she promised herself not to do that to him again. He didn't deserve that, he never had, and she'd put him through enough. It was time for them to stop suffering.
Later that day Kathryn finished her meeting exactly on time. She told Jody to put her 'out of office' for the rest of the day and left, the slight spring in her step making her assistant very happy. Finally, she thought, the Captain who had seen so much was allowed to be happy.
On her way home Kathryn walked through the gardens at Headquarters, trying to calm her slight nerves a little. Near the pond she spotted Seven sitting on one of the benches. Stopping, Kathryn thought about approaching her to see how she was doing. However, she was completely unprepared, and Seven looked busy so she decided to talk to her tomorrow. As Kathryn walked on she saw another woman join Seven on the bench and she watched how Seven greeted her and soon laughed out loud. She looked genuinely happy and it was a comforting sound, because it meant that Seven of Nine would be all right. She was a strong woman who had already been hurt a lot, but it would not break her. Chakotay had only changed her for the better and she was sure her experience with Thom would just make her more cautious and careful. That wasn't a bad thing, after all, a woman's heart was something to be taken great care of. Especially Seven's heart that could seem so cold but was in fact so desperate for warmth. Kathryn knew without a doubt that Seven would find love, and she made a mental note to also keep in touch with her.
On the other side of the pond Chakotay witnessed the whole display. He had seen Kathryn leave and he had just been thinking about how free she appeared when he had spotted Annika. He was lucky to know such strong, confident women – Annika too had looked like she was okay. He knew that they were both hurting, and he knew there was no easy fix, but the way they both handled themselves gave him a lot of peace. He was in no way happy about what had happened, but somehow he felt gratitude for the order of events. It felt like the puzzle of his life was finally falling into place. As he watched Annika interact with the other officer he glanced over at Kathryn who seemed to be feeling the same. The slight smile he could just make out around her lips told him she was okay with the situation. And he needed her to be okay.
Chakotay decided to go home, finalize his preparations for tonight and make sure he was back at Kathryn's place on time. He was nervous, but it was mostly good nerves. The plans he had would undoubtedly go down well with Kathryn, he knew her well enough to know what she'd like. It was their first proper date, even though neither had really mentioned any romantic implications they both knew that tonight was about them. She had just broken off a relationship so he wouldn't make things uncomfortable for her by going too fast, after all he had been waiting for a long time. Another few days wouldn't hurt him. In fact, he was just ecstatic to spend the evening with Kathryn again, like they had done so many times in the past. When had they stopped? He didn't exactly remember. All he knew was that he had been watching some of her evenings with Thom and he had felt deeply regretful – he missed her. Their conversations over wine, ale or coffee and tea had always been important to both of them, and it had been the basis of their deep trust and friendship. Tonight would mark the beginning of a second chance.
At exactly 1900h Chakotay stood at Kathryn's door. He smiled when she opened it almost immediately, she had obviously been waiting for him. Stepping in he held his hands behind is back. 'Hi,' she greeted him. 'Hi, Kathryn,' he answered. 'How are you?' It wasn't a question she was fully prepared to answer, but he deserved that she try. 'I'm… doing good. It's strange how fast things have gone. And I have to say, I'm still a little shocked. But I'm relatively good.' He nodded. 'I'm glad you're feeling okay.' With that he held out the rose he had been hiding from her. 'Don't worry, it doesn't mean anything,' he said smiling. 'I just remembered how to put a smile on your face.' She did reward him with a sweet smile. 'Thanks,' she said. 'It means everything.'
She had chosen to wear a black top and fancy pants, the cream color she had chosen more often in the past that looked amazing on her. Her hair was down and he was glad, already thinking of how the light from the Alaska would reflect on the hints of red. 'You look stunning,' he said, offering her his arm. 'Are you ready?' She nodded. 'Yes, let's go.'
Kathryn had no idea where they were going. She could see Chakotay was slightly nervous and excited and was trying to hide it for her sake and she couldn't help but smile at his considerateness. She loved surprises, although the recent surprise with Thom had changed that somewhat, she was still willing to let Chakotay take her away for the evening. It might help her to forget. As they approached the transporter station, Chakotay reached for her hand. 'You go first, don't look,' he said as he approached the transporter terminal to give his coordinates to the officer on duty. She shook her head and took her position on the pad, waiting for him to join her. As he did, he took her hand again and they left Earth behind.
The USS Alaska was one of Starfleet's newest vessels, and although it had been completed and christened a week ago its maiden voyage wouldn't be for another five days. There was a skeleton crew on board, some of which Chakotay knew personally. It was a magnificent ship that housed some of the technology that Voyager had brought home, making it a new class altogether. It had been named Alaska because it would be capable of surviving in extreme conditions. One of the designers had told a story about Earth's most northern state where the weather would be so beautiful but so extreme that one would freeze to death in hours. What used to be Alaska was now a nameless nature reserve where the climate was controlled by terraforming, but it was still one of the most visually stunning places on Earth, or so some said. Chakotay had never visited but he had thought it was an appropriate and beautiful name for such a strong, proud and innovative vessel.
He'd been on board once before, and back then he'd been very careful not to fall in love with the ship as he had been offered the Captain's chair. Already having declined he was a free man but still he hadn't wanted to get too attached. However, once on board he had visited a friend in the mess hall and the observation lounge that was built there along the front of the ship's neck, lit up by the deflector from below and the ship's impressive saucer from the top he had been smitten nonetheless. Chakotay knew Kathryn had never visited the Alaska. He also knew the Alaska had some state-of-the-art Holodecks, and he had made sure to book one for later this evening.
He recognized the transporter room they materialized in and like the first time he had been there it took him by surprise how beautiful it was. A lot bigger than Voyager's transporter room, the Alaska had light blue transporter pads and an entire bay area divided to enable transporting supplies, animals, scientific samples and so on. There were multiple people working around them and he knew a few of them, nodding in greeting. 'Can I open my eyes?' Kathryn nudged him with her elbow. He smiled. 'Yeah,' he replied. She opened her eyes and was slightly taken aback by the unexpected transporter room. 'Wow,' she said, equally stunned by its size and beauty. Chakotay looked at her and stepped down from the pad, mentioning for her to follow him. She smirked at him and stepped down with him. 'Romantic,' she joked. 'We're not there yet,' he said. 'Do you know where we are?' She looked around, frowning. 'I think I do,' she said after a moment. 'Is this the ship you turned down?' His jaw almost dropped. 'How do you even know that from just a transporter room?' She raised an eyebrow. 'So I'm right. Wow, Chakotay, if this is any indication of what the rest of this ship is like then I think you might want to reconsider.' 'Oh no,' he answered. 'I don't think so.' She was flattered but tried not to show it, somehow she knew that she was part of the reason why he hadn't wanted to go then and why he didn't want to go now.
The transporter technician who had beamed them on board approached them, having waited until the right moment. 'Commander, Admiral. Welcome on board. We are currently running on a skeleton crew but your arrangements have been made,' he addressed Chakotay. He hadn't named the ship purposefully because Chakotay had asked him not to. Somehow the identity of the ship was romantic to him and he wanted her to figure it out. He knew she'd probably seen the schematics and she undoubtedly knew its name but it hadn't immediately come to her, so he decided to keep her guessing a little longer. If she didn't guess it she'd see the name on the bottom of the saucer section when they arrived at their dinner location anyway.
Kathryn thanked the technician and looked at Chakotay. 'You're not going to tell me what she's called, are you.' It wasn't even a question. 'When I heard that you turned down a captaincy I almost commed you.' He looked at her while guiding her into the corridor. 'I didn't want it, for many different reasons. But I came here once after I'd turned down the chair and I have to admit I almost fell in love with her.' Kathryn nodded appreciatively. 'I can imagine, she's beautiful.' He turned the corner into the turbolift. 'Mess hall,' he ordered. 'It's a matter of priorities, Kathryn.' She locked eyes with him for a second before turning her gaze to the wall. 'I'm glad,' she said softly.
As the turbolift doors opened she felt his hand on the small of her back again, and this time there was no reason for her to object. Chakotay felt incredibly proud and touched by the fact that she would allow his hand there, even though she was the ranking officer, higher in position than literally anyone on this ship. If something were to happen and they'd have to respond she would have the bridge. However, right now, she was just Kathryn and he was just Chakotay and they were about to have dinner. It had been a risk, to take her to a ship, just because he didn't know how she would respond to others seeing them together. By now the rumors must have spread again, them having been seen together in public would definitely have started some gossip somewhere. However she seemed to be totally fine with it, even though he sensed her nerves he also felt her confidence. Let them look, she seemed to want to tell him. So he did, and he nodded to a passing officer while his hand was softly lying on the small of Kathryn's back. She was slightly in front of him, letting him guide her through the ships corridors towards the mess hall. It was only a few meters from the turbolift and as the doors opened Kathryn turned to him. 'I remember,' she said. 'The Alaska.' He nodded and indicated at her to look in front of her. As she did her eyes fell upon a table set for two in front of the biggest observation viewscreen she had ever seen. The mess hall was large, like everything on this vessel, and it was dimly lit and empty apart from the chef and one officer who seemed to be there just for the occasion. 'Kathryn, this is Lieutenant Will Pritchett. He was a big part of making this possible, I know him from the Academy. He's an amazing chef and he'll be helping in the kitchen as well as serving us,' Chakotay introduced the man. Kathryn smiled and shook the younger man's hand. 'Nice to meet you. Thank you for allowing us on board.' Pritchett smiled. 'Anything, Admiral. I hope the food will be to your liking.' She nodded. 'I'm sure it will be. This is an amazing ship you have here.' 'She's definitely up there with the best,' Will answered. 'We're very proud to be serving here.' Kathryn nodded. 'I can imagine.'
The Lieutenant brought them up to their seats and fetched a bottle of wine before leaving them to prepare the food. The lights from outside shone beautifully, illuminating their spot and at the same time still giving them a perfect view of the space dock and Earth beneath them. It was a romantic spot, the docking lights blinking softly above them and the blue hue from the deflector dish creating a calming aura. Kathryn looked at Chakotay, who seemed to be getting a little more nervous. 'Hey,' she said. 'This is perfect. Thank you.' He smiled at her and raised his glass. 'To a perfect evening.' She raised her glass as well and smiled at him, her other hand reaching out to softly touch his. As she retreated she saw his face relax a little. 'I'm glad you like it. I have another surprise waiting after dinner.' She raised her eyebrows at him. 'Another surprise… You didn't have to do this, you know. I would have been happy at home.' He cocked his head to one side. 'Well, I figured you deserved to be spoiled tonight. Mind you, I don't have an endless supply of favors to call in, so you might have to settle for home the next time.' 'Next time, huh,' she teased. He nodded. 'Yeah.'
Soon, they had food on their plates and easy conversation flowing between them. The awkwardness that might have been there from the empty mess hall and the two officers cooking them dinner was gone before it even became an issue, both Kathryn and Chakotay feeling completely at ease on this vessel. The courses were exquisite and Kathryn couldn't contain her excitement when she was served her dessert: Coffee ice cream made from real coffee, with chocolate sauce and cream. 'Oh,' she sighed at the first bite. 'This might be the best thing I've ever tasted.' Chakotay just watched her quietly, enjoying her unashamed exclamations and almost inappropriate love for coffee. 'I'll make sure to get the recipe,' he said softly. She slowly shook her head at him. 'It's so good, I'm going to have to confine you to dessert duty if you are able to make this.' He laughed. 'Sounds fine by me, Kathryn.'
After another glass of wine Chakotay stood and mentioned to Kathryn to follow him. 'Let's go,' he said. They thanked the staff for their efforts and left the mess hall to head up to the holodecks. Once they'd arrived, Kathryn turned to Chakotay. 'Do I need to close my eyes again, Commander?' He smirked. 'Yes.' She did, and Chakotay regarded her quietly as her hand reached out to his. He took it and even though they had locked hands before this felt different. She didn't just give him her hand, she gave him her trust and her heart, both things he vowed at that moment to never take for granted. He typed in some commands so his voice command wouldn't give away the program and the doors opened. They walked in and as the doors closed and vanished Chakotay released her hand. 'Okay, you can open your eyes,' he said as he stepped back a little. She did and instantly tears came to her eyes. 'Oh, Chakotay…' It was all she could say. Standing on a beautiful sailboat she immediately recognized where they were. The lake stretching out before them, surrounded by green mountains and a village in the distance, she had so many memories here that she would never forget the sight. 'Welcome to the Voyager,' Chakotay said. 'I thought a midnight sail on Lake George would be the perfect way to end this evening.' She nodded and looked back at him. 'It is. Thank you.' Only when she turned back did he notice the tears in her eyes and the small track one had travelled down her face. 'Hey,' he said. 'Don't cry.' She shook her head softly. 'I'm okay, this is just the best thing you could have done.' He stepped in behind her. 'Come on,' he said, leading her to the front where a wooden bench with white pillows was waiting for them. A bottle of white wine – non-alcoholic this time – and an assortment of fruits was put out on a table, together with a blanket against the chill of the evening. Of course they could just raise the temperature, but Chakotay knew Kathryn liked her Lake George program to be as authentic as possible. He had even accessed Voyager's database to make sure he got all the details right.
'I have been meaning to visit this on Earth,' she said after a while. They were sitting close, her right shoulder touching his left. His arm was on the backrest behind her and her feet were tucked underneath her body, having abandoned her shoes to enjoy the wooden structure of the ship. 'You should go,' he answered. 'It means a lot to you, and now that we're back you can actually visit again.' She nodded and sipped her wine. 'I think I'm afraid of it being different. You know, a memory of a place that means a lot can be more valuable than an experience there. I'm afraid it won't be as I remember.' 'I can understand that,' he said. 'You think you might have romanticized the place, especially while on Voyager.' 'Yeah,' she said. 'It was a refuge sometimes, and I did make some minor changes.' 'Well, then I suggest we just enjoy the program,' Chakotay said and she couldn't agree more.
Half an hour later they were still sitting in each other's company, sometimes quiet, sometimes softly talking. There was no pressure and there were no expectations, no specific end goal and Kathryn loved that. They were so comfortable with each other that they could just take their time, both of them knew what they meant to each other and knew the possibilities for the future. They might both be too scared to express any of these possibilities, but that didn't mean that they weren't excited for it – a future together, finally.
Kathryn looked at Chakotay who had moved his arm to hold her close to him. He met her eyes and his lips landed against her temple. It wasn't a kiss but it was a promise.
'We're always going to have this, aren't we?' she asked softly, looking out across the lake.
She didn't elaborate but he knew the range of her words. She didn't just mean this friendship, love, this easy companionship. She meant a mutual understanding, their bond, inexplicably true and deep. They had both wondered about it, but never out loud or to each other. Still, it was there, and they recognized and loved it for what it was. And she was right. Wherever she'd go, he'd want to follow. Whatever burden he'd have to bear, she would want to take some of it away from him and carry it together. They trusted each other explicitly and fully, they knew each other's hearts so well, there was only one thing he could say.
'Always,' he replied.
Author's Note: I'm not sure if this is the end. I think it might be. These two were my OTP for so long, I can't not write them together. I hope you all enjoyed this and thank you for bearing with me.