IX. Ghost

When she thinks of her, her reality slip off of its normal axis. Bobs and blur made up her sight, and her world spin uncontrollably. Nothing ever really made sense when it involves her feeling for her onessama. She was what once her world revolves around and maybe to a certain point, still is. The heiress is just too afraid to admit that she could never hate her. Kaname know, he knows so much more than he let on. He knows so he never pushes her for more than she could take. He too was the same. Chasing the same ghost for years, wishing that things could be different when he knows nothing could be changed. Though, in his case, he is literally chasing one.

He despises common sense because he has seen the world from every possible angle. The world sadness and beauty, the cruelty and pain, how could he forget? He suffered and made mistake and he was ashamed of his own ugliness and flaw. There are so many things he wants to remember, but the harder he tried, the faster it all seems to slip away. So much has happened, but only fragment of memories are left. Only fleeting moments are left, which is fitting he suppose. Sometimes, moments were really all we ever had and some truths are best hidden in plain sight. That's how he learned how to loved and be loved, like any other person.

He knows nothing is infinite in this world. But he wish a lot of thing, he wish time wouldn't be so cruel, he wish he do all the things he thought he would regret, he wish he could just have more time, or at least have the short little time to say sorry to her. He scoffs to himself, who he is to hold on to her. They could never be together the way he wanted them to be they were siblings. His beloved sister, the love of his life, his everything. She was beautiful, starkly beautiful, yet she is finite like how the world is. Finite.

They say that when someone dies, they take a bit of you with them. In his case, it takes everything that he once was. Someone had once told him that when you breathed next to someone, you'd inhale a piece of his or her consciousness. Bit by bit, tongue over lips, over the butterfly fluttering of eyelashes. You'd see the world as theirs. Your retinas would fold and unfold, dancing into two daring flips sides, coins of light. The world would be vibrant, and you'd constantly whisper, I see.

He thought that overtime waking up to a cold bed and nightmare would be easier. Space was abstract. Sight was innovation. Nothing really soothed him. His eyes would open in the morning to a cacophony of dismal white. The white ceilings and the smell of freshly brew coffee. And he remembers, the times when she was there to wake him up. Her laughter ring at his ear even when there's no one around. He remembered how she would snuggle up closed to you and whisper, "Let's sleep a little more."

White was such a lonely color. The picture on his stand always made him drift back into saturation, irises splashed with prismatic brilliance. White reminded him of sadness, bleach brick and glass panes. Of the galaxy city lights from his penthouse and the forgotten art, young and waxy, and the nostalgia of the neighborhood bakery's outside tabletops where she always get her favorite cupcakes from. He remembers the stolen kisses, the giggles and laughter, and he would look at her as if he has the whole world on his palm.

So he sees the brunette heiress as her sister replacement and he wonder time and time again, if this was okay. He wondered if she too, was stuck in the past, chasing after a ghost. Though, in her case, she was running and not chasing. He realized that long ago and the latter know what he thought of her. And this is probably why, overtime, he has become so attach, so protective towards her. Ruka never judged him. She simply saw him as who he is. Someone who is a mess, twisted, broken and beyond repair. They were a kinder soul.

"Ruka, I'm not her, I'll never be her. So will you. You will never be Miyuki, you're just you and I'm just me." The look in her eyes had been in a deep indigo. It spoke of sorrow on waking and fluttering eyelashes that blinked back tears. "I know." Her voice shaking, and his heart clench. "This. Us. It won't be easy. But I love you. I know I love you and I know you love me too." Her thin lips, was grace with a weary smile. "You are still running away from her, and I understand that. I'll wait. I'll wait because I know you are worth everything that I am." Tears streaming down her pale cheek and you felt a stab on you gut.

Miyuki will always be a shadow, a ghost, which he could never shake off. It was a part of him, a part of who he has become. And he has learned to accept it, the part of him, the part that will always continue to seek answer from the death.

"I want you to see the world, to do the things I could never do. I want you to run and never look back. Because you are you, always so dazzling and vivid. I know you will be fine and someday, I know you'll find a reason to smile again."

"Miyuki, is this really alright?" He said to no one in particular.

He knows he would never be able to really let go of the past. No one ever really let go. They will just get use to the pain and the feeling of nothingness. They just learn to function to a life and let the numbing feeling replace everything else. To let go was to forget, and he didn't want to forget. He didn't want the memories to be just another moment in a piece of paper that he put on his bedside table. He wants to remember. Even if it pains him, he wants to remember all the years of memories and hold it close. Keep it in a jar and maybe someday he can look back and smile again.

"Kaname, are you listening to me?"

His attention shift towards the beautiful brunette in front of him, worried written all over her face. He smiles, reaching her hand and pull her into an embrace. The familiar scent like a summer dew, a scent he have grown to be very fond off. The brunette hairs that nowadays are all he could think off. The rhythmic breathing, her familiar warmth, everything of her that he has come to appreciate. Everything will be all right if he is with her. He knows he will. The girl squirm in protest with the sudden hug, but he held her tighter, afraid that he will once again be all alone again.

"I won't run you know."

"I know."

"I will always be here."

"I know."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

"You're thinking of her again."

"Aren't you the same?"

"That's not fair."

And he laugh, laugh so hard he felt his stomach hurting and tears filled his eyes. She smile too in respond and kiss him on his cheek, hid forehead, his nose, his lips and whisper, whisper the mantra that they shared, "Everything will be fine, dear."

"I want to give you the world that I see, I want to let you dream what I once dream. I want you to live and feel alive."

Maybe…just maybe, he have stop for a moment in his endless chase.

Author's Note: Hello, finally another update! Well, I hope this chapter could clear up some of your question. The dinner chapter will be for another time. Since some of you guys are asking for history, background and stuff, I am writing those flashback chapter for my next update. This update are just to give you a hindsight of who and what makes Kaname as who he is today. I hope you like it! Thank you for leaving a review and please don't hesitate to ask if there are things confusing. Ciao~