Written by: CI and KP
"Kevin, what are you still doing up?" Carla wiped a hand aross her face and looked through tired green eyes at her friend, who was sitting in front of the fireplace, his eyes distant,
"Everyone's gone to bed finally, except for you and I."
"I'm not tired," Kevin shook his head slowly, his swollen eyes on the flames,
"Haven't been tired for some time..."
Taking a seat behind her younger friend, Carla laid a hand on his shoulder and whispered,
"Talk to me? Please?"
Kevin lowered his head for a few moments and finally with a reluctant sigh, he turned around and faced the little blond angel, but his eyes refused to meet hers,
"Why? There's not really much to say anymore, Carla."
"If you're still keeping things inside, then there must still be more to say," She replied softly, laying her other hand on his shoulder as well and rubbing them gently. Still not getting any answer from him, she continued in the same soft tone,
"Today was a rough day…I mean, they've all been rough but then one comes along that knocks you for a loop or hits you with something you weren't expecting and I think today hit you harder then you are letting on."
He sighed wearily and nodded his head,
"It's a couple of things, Carla…I had thought a few times over the last few months about…about how I didn't want to be here anymore, with Andrew gone and Cupcake at the Sullivan's, but I never would have done it or tried to, but when she did, it just made me realize how close I had come a few times…"
"Do you still think about doing something like that now?" Carla whispered worriedly.
"Not after today," He replied softly, finally meeting her eyes.
"Why does today change it?" She asked curiously, trying to understand his train of thought even through his grief.
"A couple of years ago, I was being a really big jerk, mostly to Monica," A sad smile played on his lips as he continued,
"And Simba laid into me like a ton of bricks…I wasn't too sure of what had hit me and I was convinced he was taking lessons from Sam or Tess," Hearing a small giggle escape Carla, he wiped at his eyes and continued,
"But he did make me see how I was acting and how nasty I was being. Andrew could always do that, without yelling…he barely ever raised his voice, even when one of us was way out of line and he could always make us see the truth and the truth that day was that I had been a jerk to Cupcake. The last thing I ever wanted to do, Carla, was let him down. We both felt that way-it was one of the worst feelings and I guess I kind of feel like I let him down yesterday, by not remembering and I need to stick around to make sure things like that don't happen again," He sighed, a cross between a sad sigh and a relieved sigh,
"But it did feel good to remember that time with him, even though I wasn't liking it at the time…".
"You've had many good memories with Andrew, Kev," Carla whispered, her hand still rubbing his shoulder,
"We all have..."
"Yeah...especially that time at Disney World," The youngest angel let out a small laugh before a sob soon escaped,
"That was one of the best trips I've ever had, Carla, although parts of it were sad because Cupcake was considering going back to Special Forces. But those good moments...those are moments that I'll never forget. Simba and the Mickey Mouse ears, and the ride on Space Mountain..." He shook his head sadly before lowering his eyes to the floor and giving way to a few tears.
"Those are memories that are going to stay with you no matter what, Kevin, no matter what happens in the future," Carla replied, her voice also filled with sadness,
"Just like my own personal memories will stay with me."
"But it's not the same," Kevin replied quietly, his voice barely audible to the blond angel.
"No, it's not; nothing is the same right now, Kev," Carla soothed as best she could, removing her hands from his shoulder and gathering him close for a tight hug,
"But you know what Andrew would say if he saw you right now?" Feeling Kevin shake his head as soft sobs emerged, Carla rested her chin on his head as she replied,
"He'd tell you that he loves you so much, and he'll always love you. He'd tell you about his own memories with you and Monica, and that they'll forever be in his heart as well."
"It's just hard to believe that there won't be any new memories with him," Kevin uttered softly,
"I'd even settle for a time that wasn't necessarily good as long as he was here with us again."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Carla said sadly,
"I think we would all take whatever we could get at the moment."
The younger angel drew in a deep breath and left it out slowly,
"I need to get up my courage to talk to Monica tomorrow. I haven't since we lost Andrew and I think it's because I'm afraid…the three of us were together all the time, and I'm afraid of how much it will hurt us both to talk about him and what has happened now that he's gone, if that makes any sense."
"It makes a lot of sense, but Kevin, maybe you are exactly the one she needs to talk to and that you need to talk to, as the three of you were so close. Maybe instead of it hurting both of you, it will help," Carla offered softly.
"I don't know if it will help, but it's worth a try," The youngest angel whispered as he slowly pulled away from Carla,
"There's got to be something that will help us..."
Carla gently squeezed the youngest angel's shoulder as she blinked back more tears,
"There will be. There has to be."
"How much longer is this going to have to last, Andy?" Monica sobbed once more as she watched the sadnes intensify in her best friend's eyes,
"I can't take this anymore! I have to do something; I have to be with you, Andy..."
"I need you, too, sweetheart, but I can't be there with you right now," Andrew shook his blond head as he seemed to looks straight into the Irish angel's soul once more,
"If I had an answer of how long this would last, I would tell you...but, Angel Girl, you need to bring all of this anger and frustration to the Father-"
"I hate Him, Andrew; He took you from me, and He may never bring you back," She shook her head in misery,
"What kind of Father is that, Andy?"
"Oh Monica," He uttered sadly, seeing the tears and anger in her dark eyes,
"You know that the Father loves you, sweetie, you know that."
"No, I don't…not anymore. He took you away from me, Andrew…he took you away!" She lowered her head for a moment, crying brokenly,
"I'm going to find a way to be with you, Andrew, I have to…"
"No, baby. Not like last night," He pleaded with her, pain in his eyes as he watched her,
"Promise me you won't do something like that again, Angel Girl. Cross your heart promise me.."
"I can't!" She all but screamed through her tears,
"Let me stay here with you…please just let me stay with you. This is the only place I want to be; I want to be where you are. Please, Andy, please, don't send me back there again without you. It's too hard…it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do and to know it could last forever is more than I can bear. I love you so much…I always knew I did, but now I know that there isn't any end to how much I love you. Please let me stay or come back with me, please! I don't think I can face another day without you and I don't want to. It hurts so much and it's all I feel anymore…"
Andrew watched as his dearest friend slumped down to her knees and wept like never before. Oh, how he wanted to hold her; his arms felt empty without her in them. But instead of fading away, he took a step closer to his best friend and reached a hand out to try and stroke her cheek; although he knew that he couldn't feel her, it still broke his heart when all he felt was thin air. His green eyes filled with tears as Monica lifted her head and tried to grasp onto his hand, but just like himself, all she felt was air.
"No..no..." Monica uttered miserably, still on her knees as she watched Andrew slowly start to fade away,
"Don't leave again...Don't!" Her pleas slowly turned to whimpers as she noticed that once again, like all the other times, he was gone,
"Don't go...don't leave me..."
"No, don't leave me..." Monica whispered through choked up sobs one more time, and with a final plea, the weary angel opened her eyes slowly and looked down through blurred vision in time to see Molly climb up onto the bed and nudge her face against hers. Biting her lip to hold back a round of tears, the Irish angel reached a trembling hand out and stroked the cat's fur,
"Oh Molly...what am I doing to do? What am I going to do?"
"Monica?" Kevin uttered softly as he opened the door and slowly walked over to the bed.
Looking up, her tear-filled eyes met with his for the first time since all this had happened as dozens of memories came flooding back to her of the many times the three of them had spent together and even through her blurred vision, she was sure she saw the emotions in the eyes of the slightly younger angel,
"Kevin…" She uttered as he sat down on the bed and the next thing she knew, she had wrapped her arms tightly around him as sobs overtook them both.
Kevin held onto her just as tightly as they cried together for several long minutes before he was able speak,
"I miss him too…" He whispered, feeling her nod her head in understanding. Pulling away, he kept his hands on her upper arms,
"You scared me the other night, Cupcake…don't do something like that again, please?"
"I just wanted to be with him, Kev…" She whispered shakily.
"Not like that, Monica," He choked out, shaking his head,
"Andrew wouldn't want you to…"
"I know, he said the same thing," She whispered, feeling confused between what was real and what was a dream. Before Kevin could question her, she continued,
"There's somewhere I need to go…come with me?" Though she was surprised to hear herself ask for his company as she had spent three months pushing everyone away, she was also relieved to see him nod his head as he wiped at his eyes.
"Of course, I'll come with you."
After the little Irish angel had changed into a pair of jeans and the flannel shirt that Andrew had given her so long ago, along with his leather jacket, Monica slowly made her way down the stairs of the cabin to where Kevin was waiting. The youngest angel's head was hanging low and without saying a word, Monica reached a trembling, slightly cold hand out and grasped her co-worker's hand in her own.
"Where do you want to go?" Kevin uttered weakly as they made their way out the door and into the cool morning air.
"You'll see in a few minutes..." Monica replied in a faint whisper and as the two angels walked hand in hand, silence passing between the two of them, towards the woods. Neither of them spoke the entire way as Monica lead the way to the mountain top and finally, after several minutes, they reached the top of it,
"Andrew named this Monica's Mountain many, many years ago..." She started to explain, releasing her younger friend's hand and walking over to the edge.
"Why did you want to come here?" Kevin asked softly as he followed her motion of sitting down on the edge of the cliff.
She shrugged her shoulders slightly and sighed,
"I don't know really. He told me the first day he brought me here that it reminded him of me and that he liked to come here when we were unable to be together…I guess that is the reason; because we can't be with him now."
Kevin nodded his head tearfully, now understanding,
"It seems like there are memories everywhere," He remarked softly.
The two angels were silent for a few minutes as they gazed out over the valley below them, before Kevin spoke up again,
"What did you mean before, about Andrew telling you that trying to kill yourself was not the way to be with him?"
Monica lowered her head and drew in a trembling breath,
"I dream about him all the time, but they seem so real, Kevin. He's talking to me about being gone and I think sometimes, I think they are real. I just wish there was a way to stay there with him…"
Reaching for his friend's hand again and holding it tightly in his own, Kevin drew in a shaky breath slowly,
"So do I...what else does he say?"
Lifting her hand to wipe at the tears in her swollen eyes, the Irish angel continued looking out over the valley as she replied slowly,
"He's asked me to 'cross my heart' promise that I will never try something like that again...and that he loves me so much and wants to be with me; but he can't, and I can't. He wants me to trust the Father...but I can't do that, Kevin...and every time I try to touch him..." The Irish angel's voice broke off on a sob as she lowered her head,
"Every time, he fades away from me and he's no longer there and that's when I start to wake up. The day when the dreams first started, I dreamt about the day it...happened, and I was so close to hugging him, but then I heard screeching brakes and then I see his body..." A choked up sob escaped her and she finally turned back to Kevin,
"I just don't know how to go on without him. Three months is long enough...what if we have to go several years without him?"
"I don't even want to think about that, Monica," Kevin uttered softly, feeling tears falling from his eyes at her words,
"I keep thinking how I never really told Andrew that I loved him and now I may never get the chance to do that…"
Despite her own anguish, the little Irish angel turned to her friend and grabbed his hands in her own,
"Oh Kevin, he knew! Don't think for a moment that he didn't know you loved him, because he did and he loved you so much too. You were the closest thing to a son an angel could ever have and that is how he felt about you. Please don't think he didn't know, because he did…He knew, Kevin."
"I didn't tell him enough though, Cupcake," Kevin choked out, lowering his dark eyes,
"I mean, I've told you two together...that I loved you; but I never told him I appreciated what he did, or much less how much I love him."
Choking on her own sobs, Monica released his hands and pulled him tightly into her shaking arms,
"But he knew, Kevin...just by your actions, your sense of humor and even from something as simple as a hug...Kev, he knew..." She buried her face into his shoulder as the two angels let out soft sobs on the edge of the mountain.
"If I know anything right now, it's that I'm never...never going to take him for granted again, Monica. Never again," The youngest angel whispered miserably into Monica's shoulder.
"You never really did to begin with, Kev. You may have thought you took him for granted, but you would have done anything for him and you did do anything he asked of you most of the time," She pulled away and wiped at the tears on his face with trembling hands,
"Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?"
"It's just hard, Cupcake…I keep thinking of all the things I could have done differently…" He replied softly.
"I know…so do I. I wish I had gotten across the street sooner that day…maybe it could have been avoided…maybe none of this would have happened," She whispered through her own tears.
Kevin was quiet for a moment before looking into her tired and swollen eyes,
"Monica, please don't do anything like you did the other night again. I don't want to lose you too. I know there have been times when I am your worst nightmare, but I love you and I don't think I could stand it."
The tears starting up once more at full force, Monica lowered her head and whispered shakily,
"Kevin, I don't-"
"Monica, please," Kevin pleaded, the tears falling unashamedly down his young-looking face,
"Please...promise me you won't...I can't handle having lost Andrew, and I can't lose you too..." He grasped her hands in his own once more and held them tightly,
"Promise me, Monica."
Monica opened her mouth, getting ready to object until she saw the tears and pleading in her co-worker's own swollen brown eyes. Finally, as she let out a shaky breath, the Irish angel replied slowly and wearily,
"I'll try...I'll try."
CI and KP