Hey everyone, first thank you very much for your reviews. Then I'm sorry to take a little time in between updates but health is a bit of an issue right now. But I'm doing my best. Anyway here's the update.

Enjoy,

So ;)

ps: scuby thank you as always to help me with the arguments. You rock :)

Chapter 10

Sara's POV

I rush out of Adam's office and catch up with Catherine outside. I'm confused, angry, I'm…I don't know, but I want…no, I need answers. It's raining steadily, the sky is grey and unusually the streets are almost empty except for few runners trying to find a shelter.

"Catherine, wait!" I call as I try to match her speedy pace. She ignores me and goes on in the parking lot. When I'm finally at her level I grab her arm and force her to look at me. "Tell me…you were nice to her a few moments, she dies…so you've spend years being a bitch to me…all hoping that…what? That I'd leave or that if I stuck around we'd just never be friends?"

She looks upward and shakes her head a little but doesn't answer me.

"I don't believe this…" I state.

"You don't understand either. Let me go," she tries to disengage herself from my grip but I hold on.

"No, I don't understand," I agree. "Explain it to me…like I'm a kid."

"I…just let me go please."

"Catherine, answer me, please," my voice is calmer.

"You…you do the same…you of all people should understand," she replies which only add to my confusion. She sighs with exasperation. "You push people away all the time!"

"I have my reasons," I squint my eyes.

"Everybody does," she counters.

"This is not an answer!" I'm getting frustrated. "You owe me an answer!"

"I don't owe you anything," she shouts back.

"Yes you do! Seven years…seven years that you've been bitching at me, treating me like crap…for the past seven years I've been paying for her absence, for your guilt…so a fucking answer is the least you owe me!" I hold her firmly

"I couldn't…I can't…I couldn't!"

"Couldn't do what?!"

"I couldn't deal with a burden like this!...So I pushed you away…at least I wouldn't feel responsible if anything happened!" she finally let out and I know the rain isn't the only thing falling on her face.

"You were hoping that what? That I'd go or we'd never be friend and this way you'd be safe?" I laugh bitterly. "Seven years Catherine…are you going to keep on like this?"

She's trying to escape my grip but I won't let go until we clear the air.

"Is that what you really want? For us to keep fighting?"

She looks away and I can feel her shaking under my grip. "Is that what you want?" I repeat.

"I want you to let me go," she asks with a shaky voice.

"I'm here Catherine, and I'm not going anywhere," I tell her. "Look at me, I'm not going anywhere"

She stares at me but doesn't say anything.

"I'm here right now, I've been here for the past seven years. Pushing me away might make you feel safe now. But how will you feel the day I'm not here anymore and you realise that you only waste your time and energy pushing me away when you had time to make things right instead?"

Once again she doesn't say anything. 'You might not think I'm worth the time and effort…and I can understand that. I'm not asking us to be best friends or friends at all…but we don't have to keep on acting like we hated each other, because it's tiring and it hurts…I can't take it anymore. I'm here Catherine, I'm here to stay, so stop blaming me for being here, stop blaming yourself for Holly, it's been seven years, I think today is the right time to start moving on."

I walk away feeling emotionally disoriented. I feel angry, hurt, and so many things I can't describe. This is why I hate therapy because it makes emotions ten times more intense, I already have a hard time to deal with normal one, so now it's even worse.

I march to my car feeling nothing but the need to get away. It's like I was suffocating, I feel too much at the same time, too much and I might choke in all those feelings.

I fumble with my keys and climb in my car, when I look back I see that Catherine is still standing on her stop, oblivious of the rain. She looks lost, for the first time in all the moment I've known her, she appears fragile, vulnerable to my eyes. For the first time I truly see her.

I sigh deeply and exit my car, closing it again before walking back to Catherine. I stop when I'm close to her. She's looking at me with a pitiful expression, I know she's crying, even the rain can't cover her tears. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do right now. Instead of thinking, I decide to go with my instincts for once. I move slowly, so I can wrap my arms around her, the embrace is awkward, but I've never been good at being physical with people, so it's the best Catherine will get today. It's good if you consider the absence of physical contact for the past seven years we can say that at least I'm trying.

She stays still for a moment, but then slowly I can feel her letting go, her shaking intensified and soon she's sobbing in my arms. I don't say anything and just hold her tighter.

xxxxx

The sun is about to rise, I can feel her coming before I can see her figure in my dim lit living room. I turn my head from the window and watch her as she's trying to sneak out of my apartment.

"Don't worry, I'll close behind you," I state. She's startled and turns around toward me, her expression wavering between guilt and panic.

"Shit…you scared me…I thought…"

"That I was sleeping?" I provide. "Sorry to interrupt your sneaking out," I smirk.

"Yeah I…uh think…I should go…thanks for everything," she stammers.

"You don't have to go Cath," I tell her gently.

"I think it's better if I do," she takes a step back toward my door.

"If you want to go, go. But I'd like you to stay. You can rest a bit more, I can make us something to eat and then I can drop you off at your place."

"No, you don't have to bother…"

"Cath…we had sex, we didn't kill anyone. This will be awkward if you run away and try really hard to pretend it didn't happen. It did happen, and there's nothing wrong with it, we're adult and we can deal with this. So just relax, ok?" I tell her calmly as I stand up from the window ledge.

She obviously struggles inwardly to know what she should do. I walk to her but stop at a distance. "Stay, please," I ask gently.

She looks away and sighs, I hold my hand out so she can give me her belonging, I put them on the back of the couch while she puts her shoes down.

"How about some coffee and breakfast?"

"Sure…" she shrugs. I lead her to one of the bar stools and go on the other side of the island.

After our rather emotionally draining session yesterday, I took Catherine to my place – because it's closer to Adam's office than hers, she was still very upset and I didn't think that leaving her alone was a good thing; I thought she needed a hot shower, dry clothes and a coffee, then when she was feeling better, and had a better grip on her emotions I would have taken her home safely.

Things changed course somehow, I couldn't explain how it happened, but it happened. We talked some more, both vulnerable and exposed, our feelings raw…we ended up searching a physical release to all those overwhelming emotions.

I didn't sleep long – I've never been a heavy sleeper, but I figured Catherine needed rest. I wasn't really expecting to witness her getaway but then again, it might not be a bad thing.

We had emotional sex, it served a purpose, nothing more nothing less. That being said, it's time for our lives to take their normal course. But normal doesn't mean pretend nothing happen, it's quite the opposite. Things between Catherine and I have never been easy, and therapy might help but it's not making it any easier. And now, we went from nothing for seven years, to share a hug, and then having sex in a few hours time frame, that's quite a jump to say the least.

Now it doesn't take a genius to know that having sex was probably not the best thing that could have happened. Especially considering that we are trying to repair a rocky relationship and build a new one. Unfortunately I don't have a DeLorean, so it's no use to ignore what happened.

I silently fix us something to eat and some coffee for her, as for myself I stick to a bowl of cereal and cold milk. Catherine is lost in thoughts, she glancing at me every two seconds or so, obviously uncomfortable. I take my time to cook, so she can relax in her own terms. We will talk when she's ready.

"About what happened…" she finally decides to talk.

"Yeah about that, I was thinking that I could move in with you next week, what do you think?" I ask her with a serious face.

I obviously took her off guard and for the first three second I can see panic in her eyes growing, then she chuckles and shake her head. "You think you're funny Sidle?"

I smirk. "I think I am actually," I reply before placing a plate in front of her.

"Listen…" she tries again.

"Cath, like I said, we had sex, it's no big deal."

"I used you Sara."

"And I used you, so we're even," I smile a bit.

"How can you be so casual about it?" she frowns.

"We were both emotionally overwhelmed and used one another to have some kind of release, now that we have some balance back, I don't see why I should make a big deal out of it. It was a normal reaction to emotional distress," I shrug before putting a spoon of cereal in my mouth.

"You sound like him," she states, I look at her expectantly not knowing what she's talking about. "Adam, you sound like him."

Oh.

I guess having spent too much time around shrink might have that side effect.

There's a long silence between us and we both focus on eating.

"I guess today's not the day I'll prove you wrong about me using my sexuality…"

I snap my head up looking at her with disbelief. I decide not to let my anger get the best of me.

"Sorry, that was uncalled for," she chastises herself.

"Yes, it was," I state calmly.

Once again silence sets in.

"It hurts actually," she speaks again. "They say you can miss what you never had, but it's bull. I see you with the boys, with everybody else, and I wish we had that," I just nod. "By the time I was able to finally admit to myself that it hurt more to keep you away than to take a chance…things were so messed up, it was too late."

She stands up and go put her empty plate in my sink before returning to her stool to finish her coffee. "I'm going to call a cab and go," she declares obviously uncomfortable to show so much vulnerability yet again.

"Don't waste money on a cab…" I sigh. "Look, I'm going to take a quick shower and then I'll drive you home, okay?" I can see her hesitance so I speak again. "Please, I'll be real quick."

She sighs. "Alright."

I rush to the bathroom and come back in casual clothes, at first Catherine is nowhere in sight and I'm thinking she left, but her laughter reaches my ears. She's sitting on my couch watching Sponge Bob. I crouch behind the couch lean next to her side silently and she's so into the show that she doesn't feel me near her.

"So you're a closet fan after all," I whisper.

She jumps a bit at my low voice and turns her head toward mine, our face are only inches away from one another. There's a moment of uncertainty, for a moment it's like electricity was travelling between us. Images from last night flash before my eyes quickly and I have to blink to clear my head. For a split second I see the same expression on her face, she breaks the eye contact and turn to the screen again.

"Yeah, don't tell anyone, I like it though," she chuckles. She turns to me again, and once more we share an awkward moment, I clear my throat and stand up.

"Ready to go?"

"Yeah, sure."

We leave my apartment and go to my car, we drive to the sound of the radio and twenty minute later I'm in her driveway. I cut the ignition and we stay still.

"I'll see you at work then," she finally says as she unbuckles her belt.

"Cath," I call her before she steps out of the car. She stops her movement and turns to me. "You know…she'd have been a good CSI, Holly…if everything had gone well, she'd have been a good CSI, I mean, you're not so bad of a mentor."

"Yeah…obviously," she says with sarcasm.

"I meant it yesterday. You have to move on. I know there's nothing I could say to convince you that you did nothing wrong. But it's a fact, you did nothing wrong, it wasn't your fault and you have to start accepting that. It wasn't your fault Catherine. It wasn't your fault."

"Yeah…" she whispers fighting back tears. She clears her throat with a light sob. "Thank you for the ride," she says hastily before exiting the car and closing the door behind her.

I let my head rest on the wheel and let out a heavy sigh. I wish things could be easy between us, I wish we had a friendship and not that uncertain merry go round then I'd know what to do and I'd do it right. Instead I never know what to expect and when I think I figure things out, there a twist making things even more uncertain.

The door opens again and before I can process what's happening, Catherine is next to me again.

"You're wrong, you are worth the time and effort…all I need to know is that it's not too late….tell me it's not too late and I'll make up for the time we wasted because of me. I'll be the friend I should have been, the friend I want to be…things won't change overnight but if you're patient with me then I'll show you I'm trustworthy…just tell me it's not too late…" she pleads me.

I'm a bit taken aback because I hadn't seen this one coming, it takes a little time to process her words and the depth of the moment we're sharing. This is the moment everything changes between us – though I must say that after what happened following our session with Adam things had already take new twist. But this moment right now is where everything could really begin between us. Weeks ago we agreed on taking a fresh start, but this…this a whole new step a very big one. There's a difference between trying to have a less strained relationship and working on having a friendship. It's about committing to a new relationship and if we decide to take that step forward there's no turning back.

I'm just starting to get my wit back together when I realise that she's taking my silence as a refusal.

She swallows with difficulty and she turns her head quickly but not fast enough so I can't see tears making their way down her cheeks. She passes her hand on her face in a swift movement and sniffs. "If you need time, it's alright…I mean, after seven years I can't really expect you to…"

"It's not too late," I cut her. "It never is."

Her head snaps back toward me, she's obviously surprised by my answer. I'm really not used to see Catherine this vulnerable, and I don't think I ever want to.

She smiles through her tears, relief lighting her face up.

"Like you said it won't change overnight, but I know we can make it. We can be friends."

I get bold enough to rest my hand over hers. She nods several times and as quick as lightning she lands a kiss on my cheek. "Thank you," she says before squeezing my hand briefly.

I smile at her and watch her exiting the car, walking to her front door and going in.

I expel a breath I wasn't really aware of holding, I'm taking everything in and a part of me is really scared but excited at the same time. To me friendships are the hardest relationship to maintain, and I really hope I won't mess this one up, because it means a lot to me to even be given this opportunity after all this time.

I guess we're starting a new page.

Thanks for reading.