Bad Romance

Author's Note: Bad Romance will be stuck in my head all day now. I like Gaga, I don't care who knows it. I also like Engelbert Humperdinck. That's not true. I just like his name.

Ivy and Harvey sat across from each other at their kitchen table. There was a strange silence that had set in the moment they left the club. Neither one of them wanted to talk about what had happened but they knew eventually it would have to be discussed. She still cradled her wrist against her chest even though the pain had long since subsided.

"Are you ok?" Harvey asked gesturing toward her arm.

The sudden noise made Ivy jump. "I'm fine." Her voice was barely louder than a whisper.

"You going to be afraid of me now?"

She shook her head and let her arm rest on the table. "You startled me, that's all."

Harvey rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands and grunted.

"How long are we going to dance around Ra's Al Ghul?" she blurted out.

He looked up at her and sighed. "I'm sorry. I lost my temper."

"You're apologizing to me?" she asked in disbelief.

"I shouldn't have burst in there like an animal and caused a scene."

Ivy jumped up from the table knocking her chair back. She slammed both hands down and got into Harvey's face. "You're spineless."

"What?"

"I cheat on you, make you look like an ass, and you apologize to me? Who does that? You know why I was with Ra's?"

Harvey shook his head.

"Because he has a backbone. Because he knows what he wants and he goes after it, mercilessly. Like you used to. You never sat back and took any shit from anybody. Now you're practically a welcome mat. I went home with you tonight because you caused that scene. Because you went in there guns blazing for me," Ivy yelled, her nose a hair away from his.

Harvey dropped his head like a scolded child and that was Ivy's final straw. She slapped him, hard, across the face. "Once upon a time you loved me enough to chase me around Gotham. You even locked me in your house," she said, tears filling her eyes.

"I didn't lock you in."

"Like I could've opened that door with your weight on it. Now you don't even love me enough to fight for me." Ivy walked out of the kitchen and into her bedroom. She pulled a suitcase out of the closet and began to fill it with clothes.

Harvey sat at the table thinking about everything she had just said. He looked down at his left hand and ran his thumb over the silver band. He shot up from the table and raced down the hallway into the bedroom. He yanked the clothes out of Ivy's hand, threw the suitcase onto the floor, and pushed her down onto the bed. "I love you god damn it. Don't ever doubt that," he yelled.

Ivy's eyes went wide and she sat there motionless. Perhaps she had provoked him too much.

"You think it doesn't piss me off to think about you running around town like a common prostitute with that arrogant bastard?" Harvey punched the vanity mirror. "Damn that hurts." He dropped down onto the bed next to Ivy and inspected his hand.

"Let me see," she ordered taking his hand. "It looks pretty bad. You might need stitches." She went and got a towel from the bathroom to keep him from bleeding all over the floor. She gently wrapped it around his hand, applying the smallest amount of pressure.

"That really hurts," he grumbled.

"Yeah, and it's really bleeding." She pulled the towel away a little to take another look. "I think we should go have this looked at."

"Humph."

Ivy cocked her eyebrow and smiled a little. "It was two dates. And he didn't get anything, except a kiss."

Harvey grunted.

"Hey! I don't just go around town spreading my legs for anybody who asks!" she hissed.

Now it was Harvey who raised an eyebrow. "What about me?"

Ivy made a face. "You were different. I loved you, even if I was reluctant to admit it."

"You don't love Ra's?"

"No. Not one little bit and as a matter of fact," Ivy pulled her phone out of her purse and scrolled through the contacts. When she got to Ra's she showed it to Harvey and then deleted it. "And if he calls me I'll just ignore it."

"Aw Pammy."

"Why are you talking to the wall?" Ivy asked.

Harvey adopted a confused look. "What are you talking about? I'm talking to you!"

Ivy looked over to her left at the open spot and waved her hand in front of Harvey's face. Then she noticed that the towel was now completely drenched. "Oh crap! Ok, hospital, now."

Holly sat on the couch watching Dick pace back and forth in front of her. She ran a hand through her rumpled up hair trying to smooth it down a little and checking to see if any of it had been pulled out. She never suspected Barbara of being a hair puller, but she was.

"I can't believe you," Dick finally blurted out.

"She pushed me first!" Holly shot back.

"You purposefully dumped a drink on her."

"Oh, sure! Take her side!"

Dick let out an exasperated grunt. "I'm not on anyone's side! You both acted like idiots!"

"But you believe that I dumped a drink on her on purpose? Why would I do that?"

"I don't know! Maybe you're jealous?"

"Yeah, that's it. I'm jealous. I'm just begging to be in a wheelchair," Holly snapped.

"That was totally uncalled for."

"What? It's true. She can't walk."

"I'm out of here." Dick grabbed his coat off the back of the couch and headed for the door. "You're a real bitch." With that, he slammed the door leaving Holly all alone.

Bruce carried Selina into the house and up the stairs into his bedroom. He dropped her onto the bed, closed the door, and then joined her. "I have been waiting all day for you," he said in a low growl.

Selina was already working her shirt over her head when her phone rang. "No!" she hissed as she pulled it out of her pocket and tossed it unceremoniously onto the floor.

"Do you need to get that?" Bruce asked kissing her.

"Hell no." Selina began to undo the buttons on his shirt, kissing his jaw and neck as she went.

"What if it's important?"

"Nothing is more important than this. Harley could be on fire right now and it wouldn't be as important as getting your pants off." She pushed Bruce down onto the bed and straddled him. Her little fingers quickly undid his belt.

"What if it's Ivy? Harvey took her home. Maybe something happened," Bruce continued.

"One less bad guy for you to catch later." Bruce opened his mouth to speak again but Selina was in no mood to hear it. She put her hand over his mouth and said, "I don't want to hear another word besides, yes, oh, baby, god, and don't stop."

Bruce laughed, "Yes mistress."

"I like that too." Selina bent down and kissed him again but she noticed a weird sensation on her inner thigh. "What the hell is that?"

"What's what?" he asked innocently.

"Either you got a vibrator in your pocket or your phone is going off."

Bruce pulled his phone out of his pocket, looked at the caller ID, and flipped it open. "Yeah?"

Selina rolled off him and walked out of the room, fuming. She stomped down the stairs, into the kitchen, and aggressively plopped down in a chair at the counter.

Alfred walked out of the pantry holding a box of cake mix. "Miss Kyle," he greeted.

"Alfred."

"You seem disgruntled," he commented.

"Tim told me you bitch slapped jello," she said.

"It was one of my more inappropriate moments."

"Wanna bitch slap your boss?" she asked.

"Trouble?"

"Where do I begin? Oh! How about how we barely have a minute alone? Or maybe how when we do get a minute alone he wants to be around the group or talk about the group? I know, let's begin with him answering his phone while I'm trying to get his clothes off!" Selina yelled slamming her fists onto the counter.

"That explains the lack of appropriate attire."

Selina looked down and realized she was sitting there in her bra. She tried to cover herself up but decided it wasn't worth it. They were breasts, she was wearing a bra. Surely Alfred had seen something similar before.

"Have you talked to him about your concerns?" Alfred asked as he pulled out a mixing bowl.

"I don't want to nag. I knew what I was getting when I signed on for the gig but I guess I just didn't really think about how it would affect us. Why are you making a cake so late at night?"

"Do you want a piece of cake?"

"Yes, actually I kind of do," she replied.

"Then don't question the baker."

Selina nodded and left it at that.

Bruce walked into the kitchen and took a seat next to Selina. "That was…"

"That was blah calling about blah and I gotta go. Yeah, I know," she grumbled.

"I'll try and get back as quickly as possible," Bruce assured her.

"Take your time. I'll just sit here and eat cake."

"I like Sage. She's nice," Scarlet said as she slipped off her shoes and out of her dress.

Eddie was sprawled out face down on the bed, completely exhausted from the night's activities. "Uh huh," he managed to mutter.

"We should have dinner with them again."

"We should just have dinner with them every night so we can pretend we're happy forever."

Scarlet sighed, slid on a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt, and then crawled into bed next to Eddie, pushing him away slightly. "You're just a bowl full of cherries."

"I thought starting over would be a good idea but watching it actually play out, it's all so fake. We're not happy."

"You're not happy. I'm perfectly happy," she told him.

"You're delusional."

"I'm realistic. No one is completely happy in their relationship."

"Harley and Joker are."

Scarlet scoffed. "Right! She's lying to him about wanting a baby and he's so wrapped up in his own little world he doesn't even notice."

"Ignorance is bliss."

"Were you happier being ignorant to her cheating?" Scarlet asked.

"Harley and Joker are inevitable. I knew she and I were only temporary."

"Bullshit." Scarlet rolled over and tried to go to sleep.

"I'm going for a walk."

"Shit!" Jonathan Crane cried out.

"What?" Sage asked coming over to see what was going on.

Johnny closed his phone and sighed. "Remember the Tipster I was telling you about?"

"Yes."

"She broke the story on you being a doctor at Arkham."

Sage dropped her glass of water on the floor of her condo and started to cry. "Oh my god! What if someone at Arkham sees that?"

"If you don't get the updates I don't think anyone else would."

"What if the Joker goes in tomorrow and tells everyone? What if one of the other doctors knows someone who gets the updates?"

"What if the world ends tomorrow and we spend all this time worrying about crap that might not happen?"

Sage smiled a little.

"If they find out, they find out. Harley turned out…hmm…well she's not completely wrecked," Johnny mused.

She playfully punched him in the shoulder. "You better be worth all the trouble."

"All kinds of worth it."

"I guess if I'm going to lose my license and all my professional friends I should get to know more of your crowd."

Johnny gulped and his eyes went wide. "My crowd?"

"Don't panic. I'm only teasing,' she laughed.

He relaxed quickly. While he was technically a Rogue he wasn't very "in" with the rest of them. Sure he'd say hi at the club, and he didn't mind spending time with Eddie, but he wasn't anyone's best friend. That's why he liked Sage so much. She too was on the outskirts of her crowd. None of the other doctors at Arkham paid her much attention and when they did it was only out of professional courtesy. Sage took Johnny's hand and started to pull him to her bedroom. He followed slowly, all the while looking into her big blue eyes that were poking out from under her heavy brown bangs.

Alice danced across the kitchen to the fridge, opened the door, and pulled out a can of whipped cream which she sprayed into her mouth.

"How can you eat like that and not gain a pound?" Jervis asked in amazement.

"Good genes, high metabolism, and a lot of energy that keeps me moving and burns it off," she explained. She held the can out to him, "Want a squirt?"

"No. I'm old. I'll get fat."

"Maybe I want you fat."

Jervis quirked an eyebrow, "Really?"

"Yeah! That way no other girl comes sniffing around you."

"I don't know if you've noticed, but you're the only girl that has ever come sniffing around me."

"And I want to keep it that way. Who knows? Maybe Scarlet is on a Rogue tour and she'll try and jump on you next."

Jervis took the whipped cream out of her hand and sprayed it into his mouth. "Good point."

"I can be a smart cookie when I want." Alice went back to the fridge and started looking for more stuff. "I am starving. I feel like I haven't eaten in days. We got any fried chicken? I really want some fried chicken."

Jervis's eyes went wide. It was amazing they had any food ever. The girl was a human garbage disposal. "How did recording go today?"

Alice stopped sifting through the fridge and bit her lip. "It was ok," she lied.

"You've been recording for weeks, when do we actually get to hear any of this?" Jervis asked.

"You know how it is. This stuff takes time."

"Are you ok?"

She closed the fridge and carried a container of general tso chicken to the table. "I'm fine. Why?"

"You sound funny."

"Funny ha ha?"

"Funny like you're feeding me a line of bull."

"So funny ho ho?" she joked.

"Why are you being weird…er than usual?"

Alice stuck her fork in her chicken and sat it on the table. "We got dropped from the label already. They were trying to change our songs and our sound so I lost it and went ape shit on them."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was slightly embarrassed, completely annoyed, and I didn't want you to think I was totally useless. I figured I could get another label and then tell you," she explained.

Jervis stroked her hand and smiled. "You're not totally useless, just 1/3," he joked.

"Awesome."

Eddie sat at the bar of some dank hole that somehow managed to pass for a reputable establishment. He sipped his beer, popped a couple of peanuts into his mouth, and sighed. The bartender, an older man with graying hair and a Rhett Butler mustache, watched him while smoking his cigarette.

"Get you another one son?" the bartender asked pouring another beer without even bothering to wait for a response. He knew a drinking mood when he saw one.

Eddie grunted in reply.

"You look down son." The bartender sat the beer next to Eddie and leaned back against the counter. "Woman trouble?"

"What's your name?" Eddie asked.

"Joe."

"Well, set em up Joe. We're drinking, my friend, to the end of a brief episode."

"She leave you?"

Eddie laughed. "I wish. I can't get her to go. She's hanging on for dear life but it's so over there needs to be a new word for it."

"You don't love her?"

"No. And I've tried, Joe, I have. I just can't get over this other girl," Eddie explained.

"There's always another dame," Joe laughed.

"She's not like any other dame either. She's different." The door opened and a chill ran down Eddie's spine. He turned to see who just walked in and his jaw nearly hit the floor. "And she's here."

Holly walked up to the bar and took the stool next to Eddie. She smiled sadly. "Hello."

"Of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to walk into mine," he sighed.

"What can I get you sweetheart?" Joe asked.

"Gin and tonic." Holly looked at Eddie. "You look rough."

"You don't look so hot yourself," he snapped.

Joe sat her drink down and Holly took a sip. "I suppose I deserve that."

"I'll leave you two to it," Joe said making his way to the other end of the bar.

"What brings you here?" Eddie asked.

"I needed a drink."

"An odd place to get a drink."

"You're the one who came across town to get a drink in a dive bar," Holly replied.

Eddie shrugged. "I suppose you're right."

They sat silent for a second, nursing their drinks and sighing.

"So where's Dick?"

"He left. We got into a fight."

"You're just all riled up tonight."

"It's all your fault."

Eddie burst out laughing. "Sure. Ok."

"It is! If you would've manned up and told me you loved me ages ago instead of burying your head in Harley's ass I wouldn't be with Dick. Then I wouldn't be this depressed jealous mess! I'm trying to make it work! I'm trying my damndest but how can I really try with you nipping at my heels and Barbara looming over us? I live in his ex girlfriend's shadow all the time and it's impossible to compete with Saint Barbara the perfect."

Eddie laughed harder.

"I'm so happy my pain amuses you. I'm sitting here telling you my relationship is failing and basically that I want to be with you and you're laughing at me."

"You're just being dramatic," Eddie replied finishing off his drink. "Go home."

"Come home with me."

He sat his empty glass down on the bar and sighed. "No. I don't think I will."

"I don't understand you," Holly cried balling her hands up into little fists, fighting back the tears.

"If I go home with you, in the state you're in, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon," He pulled out his wallet, tossed some money onto the bar, and got up to leave. "and for the rest of your life."

"But what about us?" she asked, tears running down her face.

"We'll always have Paris." He walked out the door and Holly chased after him.

"What the hell does that mean?" she asked.

"I don't know. I was watching Casablanca last night before I fell asleep. I've been ripping it off since you walked in."

Holly laughed.

"Here's looking at you, kid." Eddie kissed her lightly on the lips and then left her there on the sidewalk.

"I should go," Dick breathed as he pulled away from Barbara.

"You probably should." What had started as an innocent conversation had turned into a hot and heavy make out session. She felt bad. While she did not care for Holly, she did respect her, and she didn't want to be the town floozy.

Dick rubbed his neck. "I'm sorry. I was totally inappropriate. You let me come over to blow off steam and I turn into an animal."

Barbara shook her head. "You're fine. You were just upset and there's a lot of history here."

"Maybe. I don't know." He buried his face in his hands.

"I'm sure you and Holly can work through this."

"I don't think I want to. I've been thinking of cutting my losses and getting out."

"Since when?"

"Since earlier this evening when you told me you and Chip broke up," he admitted.

Barbara sighed. "Don't."

"I want to be with you."

"You always say that, we always try, and we always break up."

"It can work this time."

"That's what you said last time."

"Last time I was living in Bludhaven and working around the clock. I'm back here now. It's different," Dick pleaded. He got off the couch and kneeled in front of her. "I'm different now. I've prioritized my life and I'm ready to make you number one."

"You've also said that before."

"I got a wake up call. Believe it or not, Selina's friends have been a wakeup call. I watched Joker nearly lose Harley and I don't want to be that guy. Hell, I don't want to be Bruce either. I want the job but I want a life outside of it too."

"I don't know what to say."

"Say you'll give it one more go."

Barbara looked down at him. He looked so serious she couldn't bear to deny him. "Alright. One more go. But you still have to go."

"Why?"

"You're still with Holly and I'm not that kind of girl." She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Cruel. You're so cruel."

Joker timidly stepped onto the ice in his black skates. Ever the gentleman, he wore his spats over them. Harley stood a little more than a foot away from him in her own skates. She held her hands out to him, beckoning him to come further. It was late, they were restless, the water had long been frozen over, and Harley could not bare another night of bedroom activity. Joker reached out for her, desperately clutching her hands. Harley laughed and began to skate backwards, hanging onto him.

"I'm going to die," Joker moaned.

"I doubt it. You might have a sore ass though," she replied.

Joker straightened himself, still hanging onto her for dear life, not daring to take a step. "Don't let go."

"I'm not letting go. I can't believe you've never been ice skating."

"My mother ran off and my father thought it was sissy."

Harley kept pulling him across the pond. "Even if you were playing hockey?"

"My father didn't believe I had the ability to play sports. Too scrawny." Joker wobbled a little. "Your parents training you for the Olympics?"

She laughed. "No. My mom really liked to skate so she taught me. I only know a couple of tricks."

"Show me."

"I'd have to let go," she teased.

Joker slowly pulled his hands out of hers. He wavered a little, and then promptly fell on his butt. "Ow."

Harley giggled. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah nothing injured but my pride, nothing broken but my ass. Show me your tricks."

She skated to the other side of the pond, turned, and came back. She did a couple of jumps with little spins, landing on one skate. A few turns on the ice, skated backwards into a jump and spin. It all looked very professional, until she landed slightly to the side on her skate and fell on her butt. "Ow."

Joker quickly got to his feet, fell, got up again, fell once more, and then finally resigned to crawl over to her. "You alright?"

She was laughing. "Yes. Now we both have bruised butts."

"I think I killed mine."

"Yeah I saw that fine example of grace," she joked. Harley sat up, got to her feet, and then pulled Joker up off of the ice. He grabbed her hands again, letting her lead him off of the ice. "I can't believe you have skates but you don't know how to use them!"

"Impulse steal. 5 finger discount. Couldn't resist."

Harley shook her head. "You're crazy."

"You know you love me."

"No doubt." She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. Joker's ankles bowed out and then both fell. "Devastatingly romantic," she sighed.

"I think it is." Joker crawled on top of her and continued their kiss. That's when he noticed someone standing at the edge of the tree line, snapping a photo on their phone. "What the hell?"

Harley tilted her head back to look at the intruder. "They're taking a picture."

Joker went to get up, forgetting he was on ice, and quickly ended up back on the ground. Harley slid out from under him, got up, and skated for the shore. The intruder ran. She kicked off her skates and ran after him, barefoot, through the snow finally catching up with him in the parking lot. She pushed him up against a car, pinning him there.

"Who are you?" she demanded.

"Jacob," he replied gasping for air.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Harley Quinn."

"Very good. So why are you taking pictures of me and Joker?" she asked.

"Please, don't hurt me. I was just sending them to Gotham Gossip," he cried.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Jacob took a deep breath and tried not to wet himself. "Gotham Gossip. It's a website, a gossip site about you."

"Me?"

"All of you. The Joker, Poison Ivy, The Riddler, and so on," he explained.

"There's a website for this?"

"Yeah. If anyone sees any of you out they take a picture and send it to the person who runs the website with a description of what's going on. They then put it on the website and text it to people who sign up for mobile alerts."

Harley fished her phone out of her coat pocket, flipped it open, scrolled through her texts until she found a Tipster update, and held it up to Jacob's face. "Like this?"

"Yeah. That's a Gotham Gossip update."

"We call them the Tipster."

"Either way, that's them."

"So what you're telling me is everyone in Gotham can see these updates," she sighed. "Just great."

"Everyone reads them. They're the most popular thing on the web. My girlfriend is obsessed with the whole Holly/Riddler situation."

Harley rolled her eyes. "Get out of here." She let him go and headed back to the pond to tell Joker her new discovery.