Well, Chapter One has been my favourite chapter of this story up until now. Now, it's this one.

I make no apologies for the title. Bad puns make the world go round.

Heaps of thanks to ilex-ferox, as per usual!

Chapter Nine: Virgin Mobile

1:24 am, December 2nd, Somewhere Over Mexico City

The hotel was really quite pretty from afar, Artemis thought as he was carried off. It was made almost entirely of white glass and its glow was visible through the street lights and smog. Looking at it from this angle, he wondered if perhaps he hadn't chosen it because, on some level, it reminded him of the C Cube. Or maybe, he mused, desperate for some distraction from the shooting pains in his arms and shoulders, your taste for sleek electronics has begun bleeding into your taste in architecture? Poor Mother, if that's the case. She'll never forgive me if I become a minimalist.

She'll also never forgive you, another voice started up, if you fall to your death over Mexico City when you told her you and Butler were going on an architectural tour of San Miguel de Allende. You really must stop lying to your mother. Yes, yes, thought Artemis. I know.

When he lost feeling in his arms sometime later, as what he believed to be Texcoco Lake National Park passed beneath his feet, he nearly cried with relief. He refused to think about what it would feel like when they landed. If they landed. Surely they would land at some point, wouldn't they?

Then, trickling in from the back of his brain, he remembered overhearing Holly say something about a bird to Tezcat. About Quetzacoatl and a bird. What was it she had said? He'd been talking to Butler at the time and not really paying attention. And then there'd been the row and then he'd been busy sulking and then— and then suddenly it came back to him. It wasn't Quetztacoatl and a bird. It was Quetztacoatl had become a bird. That was how he'd escaped off the pyramid.

Kidnapped by a giant parrot who is actually a homicidal fairy. Good Lord, Artemis, he chided himself, you complete and utter fool. Why hadn't he told anyone a parrot had been stalking him? Right, he remembered, sulking. Well, he told himself decisively, there will be absolutely no more of that.

Once he realised who his kidnapper was, it was relatively easy to discern their destination. Texcoco Lake was en route, as the crow (or, in this case, parrot) flies, from the hotel to the Temple of the Moon in Teotihuacan. Artemis closed his eyes and took several deep breaths. The cold air stung his throat, but he ignored it, forcing his mind to grow calm and focussed. He hadn't been himself these last twenty-four hours, but if he was going to be a sacrificial virgin he would need all his wits about him. Because he certainly wasn't going to have the use of his arms.

Abruptly, Butler returned to reality. Juliet and Tezcat were struggling to keep hold of a hawk – Butler could only assume this was Holly – Mulch was inspecting the dart someone had pulled from Holly's neck, and Lili was hollering from inside that she had Root on the line and would you all come inside and sort this out like Fronding adults, please?

Butler grabbed the hawk gently but firmly in his enormous hands, pinning its furiously beating wings to its sides. Then he went inside, taking the hawk with him. "He's long gone, Holly. You'll never find him like this." The hawk looked up at him balefully, still struggling. "Don't look at me like that. You know I feel the same way," Butler said mildly, catching the bird's eye. The hawk looked down and grew still.

He set her down on Artemis's vacated armchair and a moment later a rather dishevelled Holly appeared, looking very small in the human-sized chair. "Temple of the Moon?" she asked of no one in particular.

Tezcat, who had been following with Juliet, nodded. "My brother won't break the ritual. Just the fact that he's taken Artemis is more improvisation than I expected from him. He must have somehow realised Artemis's...particularity."

"What do you mean 'particularity'?" Butler asked as he heaved a black sports bag out of Artemis's wardrobe. When Holly gave him a funny look, he said, "I keep spares in all the rooms."

"His mind alone would make him a favourable sacrifice. The more powerful a person's creativity or intelligence or passion, the more power they release when sacrificed. Think of it like electricity. Artemis is a particularly strong current. But there's more to it than that. He's not just human, after all."

Juliet scoffed. "Whaddya mean he's not just human? Don't let him hear you say that, he's got a big enough ego already."

"My eye," said Holly quietly. "He's got my eye."

Tezcat made an 'ah' of realisation. "I wondered about that," he said. "Some sort of power-sharing spell?"

"He saved my life," said Holly. "I had died and he..." She pressed the palms of her hands into her eyes. "We need to talk to Root. We can discuss this en route to the temple."

Root was doing a relatively impressive impersonation of an indecisive woman in the lipstick aisle when everyone finally joined Lili in the kitchen: his face shifted from an incandescent vermillion to a slightly deeper scarlet before finally settling on a lovely rich plum colour. "Why," he asked, his voice very low, "is Lili Frond, a convicted felon, using a mud man's illegally downloaded fairy program to call a secure LEP line?"

"It really sounds a lot worse when you put it like that," Lili acknowledged.

"What are you even doing in Mexico?" Root bellowed.

Lili held up a finger, about to explain. Holly cut her off. "No time, Commander. Sorry. I'll explain later. But right now we need a Retrieval team at the Temple of the Moon STAT. Artemis has been kidnapped by Quetzacoatl."

Root was silent for a moment then raised an eyebrow. "Kidnapped? How ironic."

"Yes, and I'm sure we'll have time to appreciate the irony once we have him back, Sir," Holly said a little more forcefully than necessary.

He puffed thoughtfully on his cigar. They could hear the sound of him typing as he smoked. "Are you giving me orders, Major?"

"No, Sir," said Holly backtracking quickly. "Just pointing out..."

Root sighed, stubbing out his cigar offscreen in what Holly hoped was an ashtray and not a delicate prototype Foaly had left him. It wouldn't be the first time.

"And I suppose we don't even get a choice, either. We have to rescue him because now he's official LEP staff. Typical." Root shook his head.

"Sir!" Holly looked horrified.

"Oh, don't get your one-piece in a twist. I've already sent the order out. But—"

"Thank you, Sir!" Holly was already sliding off her stool and onto the floor.

"But," Root repeated more forcefully, "I expect a very good explanation for Frond's presence in this investigation, Short. A very good explanation."

"Yes, Sir!" Holly saluted.

"The team will meet you there in an hour and a half. I expect this to be dealt with quickly. There's not much night left."

"Yes, Sir," Holly repeated.

"I suppose there's no use in ordering you to wait for the team before you do anything rash, is there?" Root asked.

Holly glanced up at Butler. During the conversation he'd been standing at the kitchen island, assembling the selection of very large guns he'd had in the black gym bag. His expression was eloquent. Holly looked back at Root and shook her head.

"I thought not," he sighed. "Just don't get yourself kidnapped as well." And he signed off.

"Well," Mulch pointed out, "Not much worry there. This guy's only after virgins."

Holly's glare made Mulch's beard curl. "Not. The. Time. Convict."

"Ouch," said Mulch. But he said it very quietly.

Though they hadn't flown too high, the night time air had still been freezing and, when Quetzacoatl finally put Artemis down, the man was nearly unconscious from the cold. His stiff legs immediately buckled under his weight. The fairy made no attempt to break his fall. His arms having long since lost all feeling, Artemis had no choice but to fall face first onto the smooth stone of what, had he been more cognisant, he would have recognised as the Temple of the Moon. Still, he managed to turn his body slightly in order to land on his side and spare his nose. Quetzacoatl, it seemed, didn't care if his sacrifice wasn't quite in pristine condition. Resting a moment like that, he then finished the roll and lay out on his back, slowly trying to raise and lower his arms to restore blood flow.

While Artemis had been distracted trying to get comfortable, the fairy had transformed. Now, a small, dark elf-like creature crouched down next to Artemis, smiling at him. His teeth had been filed into jagged points. Artemis suppressed a shudder.

"Gohn beh diffklt gehm in luh tha," Artemis said. He was too weak to form proper words. The muscles in his mouth ached. Like his legs, they had atrophied in the cold.

The fairy laughed, prodding one lifeless arm. "If you say so, Mud Man. Unfortunately our gift doesn't translate 'mumble'."

Artemis attempted a nonchalant shrug but it came out as more of a spasm. "Yeh loss," he said.

Quetzacoatl stood, giggling. "Getting better, human! I almost understood that one!"

Artemis focussed on his arm exercises. Behind him, too far for his stiff neck to turn, Quetzacoatl was tapping on the stone walls of the pyramid, muttering something under his breath.

There must be some sort of inner chamber, thought Artemis. Nothing had been mentioned in the literature but, then again, fairies were very good at keeping secrets.

"Ah!" Quetzacoatl breathed softly. There was a scraping sound and, out of the corner of his eye, Artemis could make out part of the wall shifting sideways. Right as per usual, he congratulated himself.

"Time to get up, Mud Man. On your feet." Quetzacoatl came back to Artemis and, without warning, kicked him in the side. Artemis groaned. "Sorry, what was that?" Quetzacoatl kicked him again, harder. "Still can't quite hear you, Mud Man. Better speak up!"

Artemis rolled onto his far side to avoid another kick.

The fairy followed, raising his foot to kick again. But Artemis was already crawling to his hands and knees.

"You going to crawl all the way in there?" the fairy sneered. "Suits me. You people are barely more than animals anyway." And then he kicked Artemis in the ribs so hard the man collapsed again. The fairy huffed. "And we were doing so well."

Slowly, Artemis raised himself back onto his hands and knees. Like hell he was going to crawl in front of this psychopath.

"Come on, Mud Man, up ya get. C'mon boy, c'mon. Who's a good boy? C'mon!" Quetzacoatl whistled and patted his thighs as if he were calling a dog.

Artemis said nothing, ignoring the fairy's presence entirely. If he could get to a wall... Unsteadily, all his joints protesting, Artemis heaved himself to his feet, staggered drunkenly to one side, and collapsed. Luckily, he'd staggered just far enough that, when his legs gave out, he hit the side of the pyramid. He leaned against the cold stone, waiting for his head to stop swimming.

"Aw, look who's a clever widdle Mud Man. Not gonna cwawl, then?"

Artemis suddenly understood why Holly had a tendency to strangle the air whenever he was being purposefully irritating.

Still ignoring Quetzacoatl, Artemis began moving along the wall towards the doorway, using the stone to support himself. It was slow going. Finally, unable to take the fairy's jeering any longer, Artemis struck up a conversation.

"Why," he began, forming his words slowly and carefully, "did you kidnap me?"

Quetzacoatl clapped his hands. "It speaks!" he crowed.

Artemis just kept dragging himself along.

"I took you because you're a special little boy, Mud Man."

"How so?" His muscles were waking up. He was still freezing, but movement came more and more easily.

"Well, you're something rather special, aren't you? Human, but not human. Fairy, but not fairy."

Artemis frowned. "I'm not sure I follow."

Quetzacoatl raised his eyebrows. "You don't know? There is something decidedly fae about you, Artemis. You should ask your pretty little friend to explain it to you one day. Oh, except, wait, silly me, you'll be dead."

Artemis frowned. Had Holly been hiding something from him?

"How do you know my name?" He'd reached the doorway – a tunnel stretched out in front of him, deep into the centre of the pyramid.

"I've heard you lot talking. Those windows aren't soundproof, you know." Quetzacoatl fumbled momentarily on the wall next to the door. Suddenly, the tunnel was flooded with light.

Artemis blinked in the sudden brightness. "That's impressive," he said.

Quetzacoatl laughed. "What did you expect? Sconces and fire? Please, this place is old, but it's not that old. And hurry it up. As funny as it is watching you hobble around like a geriatric sprite, I'm getting bored."

Artemis thought about refusing but decided he could do without another beating.

Behind them, the door slid back into place.

Butler drove and Holly took the passenger side. No one argued.

Though, thought Juliet, it's definitely a bit tight back here, even if they are all tiny. She was wedged in on one side of the backseat, Lili next to her, Tezcat after that and Mulch on the far side. Juliet had had no qualms about situating herself as far from Mulch as possible. Even on a good day there was still a distinct smell of compost.

Up front, Butler and Holly were entirely silent. Juliet fidgeted. She hated silence.

"Ouch!" Lili said as Juliet accidentally elbowed her.

"Ooh, sorry, didn't mean to hit you!" Juliet pulled a face.

"Then stop fidgeting!" Lili was smiling however, and gave Juliet a playful slap on the arm.

"Get a room," said Mulch from across the way.

Juliet raised an eyebrow and smiled wickedly. "That's not what most guys say."

Mulch guffawed. "I bet they don't, Jules."

Butler made an extremely dour face in the rear-view mirror.

Juliet and Mulch cleared their throats and grew silent, both turning to look out of their respective windows.

But silence never lasted long with Juliet. After a few more blocks, she turned back to her seat mates and caught Tezcat's eye. "How did you know Artemis had fairy in him if you didn't know it was Holly's eye?" she asked.

Lili answered for the other fairy. "We can feel it. You know, like an aura or whatever you guys call it. We can feel the life in everything. And every species, well, every living creature has a specific feel to it. Although most people can't differentiate between one person and the next. That's warlock stuff. You need to train. But we can feel the difference between different species. Well, most of us can. Dwarfs and demons don't feel anything at all. That's why they can eat meat."

"True fact," said Mulch. "And how I love it."

"Well, but, you used to eat meat and kill people and all kinds of things," Juliet said to Tezcat.

He nodded. "Yes, but you can train yourself to ignore that power. To turn it off, I suppose. Not forever, but for a very long time, if necessary. As long as there is enough danger and distraction. Many fairies did so during the years leading up to Tailte. Afterwards, when peace returned, most of them found the reversion to their original state so traumatic, knowing what they had done, that they couldn't live with it. But the only way to continue feeling nothing was to keep killing. There was a rash of suicides, by those who had faced what they'd become, and brutal murders by those who couldn't."

Lili nodded. "Back in my grandfather's time, there were whole hospitals dedicated to recovering fairies. They were called Soul Addicts because they were perpetually trying to get theirs back. Most of them never did."

"My brother is one such," Tezcat added. "Like I said before, in our prison we had plenty of time to think about what we'd done. There was nothing much to kill except each other and we are too equally matched. We couldn't avoid reverting to our original state. And, because we had put it off for so long, the return was more even damaging than usual. My brother went mad almost immediately. He would rip up trees out of the earth, trap insects so he could tear their limbs off, catch fish and leave them on the sand of the beach , watching them suffocate to death. Anything to cause pain. Anything to numb what he was feeling. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. He still feels, and it drives him ever more insane."

Lili shuddered at the image, her slight shoulders looking even more delicate than usual in the cavernous expanse of the SUV.

Juliet was silent for a long time. "You must have done a helluva lot of yoga, Tezcat," she said at last. Her voice was a whisper.

All three fairies in the back seat looked at her.

"You're crying, Juliet," murmured Lili. She reached up and gently wiped a tear off Juliet's cheek with her thumb.

"Artemis is right," Tezcat smiled a little. "You have absolutely no sangfroid."

And then they all laughed. It was all there was to do to keep themselves from crying.

"Surely that's not the only reason you took me though, is it? Because I've 'something of the fae about me'?" They were well into the tunnel now.

Quetzacoatl shook his head. He was much easier to manage as long as you kept him entertained. "No, no, of course not. You're bait."

Artemis felt his stomach sink. "Oh, yes? For whom?"

"My brother, of course. Though if that troll of yours and the LEP elf get sucked into it, I won't complain."

"You're going to set off the temporal portal." Artemis said.

"Clever Mud Man."

Artemis nodded, the pieces falling into place. "Of course you would need a victim that you knew your brother would come after right away. And what victim is more obvious than the one you kidnapped from right under his nose?"

"Oh, you are good. I think I might even miss you a little bit when you're dead."

Artemis ignored this. "But won't it suck you in as well?"

"It'll certainly try. But it's not too hard to escape when you can fly, which is unfortunate for my earthbound brother."

"And after you've dealt with your brother?"

Quetzacoatl rolled his eyes. "Well, obviously, then I'm going to sacrifice you at the full moon."

"Ah," said Artemis. "Of course. Obviously."