(As usual, this is based on the Ranma ½ series by Rumiko Takahashi – the characters aren't owned or the invention me, the author of this fanfic, in any way, shape, or form. Also, sporks are probably the funniest of all kitchen utensils, except maybe spatulas, although "spork" is probably funnier-sounding.)

Identity Crisis

Episode 10 – Confessions

"Father," Nabiki said, drawing Shampoo to her side. "I have something to tell you."

Soun smiled up at his darling little girl. "What is it, Nabiki-chan?"

Nabiki and Shampoo looked into each other's eyes, then nodded, grasped each other by the hand, then looked down at Soun. Nabiki said, "I'm in love with Shampoo."

"Buy some more, if you like it. I know you have plenty of extra money stocked up."

Nabiki blinked. "Um… no, that's not what I mean. I don't mean the shampoo that you put in your hair, I mean –" Nabiki moved behind Shampoo, snuggled her cheek against the Amazon's cheek, put her arms around her lover, and grabbed her breasts. Shampoo squeaked in a most satisfying way. Nabiki said, "What I mean is, I love this Shampoo."

The Shampoo giggled. "Nabiki getting friendly!"

Soun had to set down his teacup for this. "You… what?"

Nabiki let go of Shampoo, kneeled down in front of Soun, hands clasped, and begged him, "Please daddy; don't be angry at me. Shampoo and I love each other. But it's not like I'm abandoning any marriage contracts. You were always expecting to give Ranma to one of my other sisters. But I know you've always wanted us to be happy, and Shampoo makes me happy."

Soun sighed and said, "I see. I suppose you won't be having any grandchildren, then?"

"Well… maybe adopted grandchildren, in twenty or thirty years, if I go insane."

Soun laughed a soft, kind laugh, and did not appear surprised. "I never expected you'd want to carry on the dojo. But so long as one of my daughters is continuing the family legacy, I certainly can't say my children have abandoned me, can I? And what sort of father would I be if I didn't let my children be as they were and seek the love of the people they cared for? Go on; do as thou wilt."

"Really, daddy?"

"You even have my blessing to get married, if they ever make that legal."

"Oh, thank you!" Nabiki glomped her father, and Shampoo jumped for joy, shouting, "I so happy!"

Nabiki and Shampoo walked out as Akane walked into the room.

Akane blinked. "Um… sis? What are you –"

Nabiki grinned and winked at her. "Your turn."

Akane froze as her sister scampered away quick as possible to make out with her lover, away from whatever Nabiki anticipated was going to happen between Akane and her father.

RANMA 1/2

"Father," Akane said, sighing.

Soun smiled up at his darling little girl. "What is it, Akane-chan?"

"I'm…"

Soun's eyes narrowed. Akane swallowed. Soun set down his tea - again.

"Well, let me put it this way." Akane cleared her throat. "I know that everyone's been expecting me to be the one to marry Ranma, but I don't think I'm qualified. I realize that Nabiki has probably just told you… well, what did she just tell you?"

"I suspect you know that she and Shampoo are in love?"

Akane nodded. "Yes, that's exactly what I was getting to. Obviously Nabiki isn't a good match for Ranma. But I don't think I'm any better. Worse, in fact. I think Kasumi should be with Ranma."

"Why?" Soun asked. "Men usually prefer younger women, and Kasumi has no patience for younger men. You're also much more skilled in martial arts than Kasumi, so I'd say you're the ideal of all my daughters to inherit the dojo."

"I'd certainly love to continue to practice and teach martial arts, but… well, I think I might be less qualified to do… certain things for our family. Even less qualified than Nabiki, even though it's not apparent right now."

"Speak plainly, girl!"

"I… I'm a…."

"You're a what? You're young, fertile, and the way you fight with Ranma everyone thinks you two are in love."

"I'm not in love with him, but –"

"Give love time to grow," Soun said. "When you get in bed with him, your feelings will be clearer." Yeah, right, he thought. "Maybe you should do that." Speed the marriage along.

"N-n-no! No, never! Not the way he is now. I mean, before he'd left us, I would've thought about it… well, actually I wouldn't be having this conversation before he'd left, and I don't think I could ever bring myself to be so forward like that, but… oh, kami –"

"Don't take the gods' names in vain, child."

"Well, it's just that lately, I've been having strange new feelings, feelings I've never had before, and now I think that maybe I might possibly be kinda sorta… a little bit gay now?" Akane watched for her father's reaction. "Okay?" Nothing yet. "You've got two daughters who prefer other women to men."

"Please, Akane," Soun shook his head. "This is a silly and obvious tactic –"

"It's not a tactic. Just… Please give Ranma to Kasumi? She doesn't have Dr. Tofu anymore. At least make the offer to her a second time. We all know she's straight, so you don't have to worry about her coming out to you."

"Do you really want me to do this, Akane? I'm sure you'll regret it, later."

"I won't. I promise."

"Very well," Soun sighed. "I shall offer Ranma to Kasumi. However, if she refuses, then you will still marry Ranma as it is now. Understood?"

Akane swallowed. She should have talked this over with Kasumi, first.

RANMA 1/2

Kasumi gripped Ranma's arm and pulled him into the kitchen. "Ranma," Kasumi said, "I'm willing to have you for a husband, but first, you must accept me."

"So… wait a minute," Ranma said. "What about Akane?"

"She's a lesbian."

"Oh. No wonder she liked me better when she thought I was just a girl."

"And Nabiki is with Shampoo."

"I know." Ranma nodded. "So you're okay with me being younger than you?"

"I know you," Kasumi said. "I don't think you're all that boring. Mostly not boring. Still a little immature, perhaps, but you seem to have grown somewhat since you left us."

Grown in my pants, Ranma thought, suppressing a raunchy smile. "Yeah, I suppose I'm a bit more mature," he said. "But what about Dr. Tofu?"

"He… wasn't comfortable with me," she replied. "He couldn't be… not after he found out about my… tastes."

"Your tastes?"

Kasumi picked up a spork from off the counter. "I'm going to tell you a secret," she said. "And you have to promise not to tell anyone."

"Sure, Kasumi," Ranma said. "I respect you; I wouldn't want to hurt a nice girl like you."

"Okay," Kasumi said. "This will sound weird, but – well, let me put it this way. I'll do anything you like, in bed – I probably wouldn't even mind if you wanted to do it in girl-form, if you still had that form, though I prefer men – but that's not the point. I'm sorry; I'm dodging the issue. You see..." Kasumi waved the spork nervously. "I like – I can't get off unless… I'm touching a kitchen utensil."

Ranma's eyes bulged. "You're not telling me – the stuff we eat off of –"

"No, no! I don't use the same equipment!" Kasumi waved the spork wildly. "Don't worry; I'm too sanitary for that! I keep the ones I use for that in my room."

"Oh. I see."

"I realized this, because I always used to masturbate with… utensils… and then when I did it with Tofu, I just couldn't… you know... until I asked him to spank me with a spatula. And then I wanted to bring egg-beaters to bed, and then a meat thermometer, and then a basting syringe, and every time we did it, I would bring something new to bed, until he said he felt weird about my requests, and said I should see a psychiatrist."

When Kasumi stopped, Ranma hesitated before asking, "And did you?"

"Oh, Ranma," Kasumi's voice croaked. Ranma felt the world turn sideways as he saw Kasumi's face turn more emotional than he'd ever seen it before – and more hurt than he'd ever wanted to see such a pleasant and giving woman look. "I did, but it's not like I'm hurting anybody. There's nothing significantly more unhealthy about using kitchen utensils as sex toys than any other toy people typically use. We all have our secrets and the little odd things about us, and… well, this is mine. I'm sorry, but –"

"No, you don't have to say you're sorry," Ranma said. "This is surprising and… unusual… but there's nothing wrong with you. This is just who you are. And there's nothing wrong with who you are. This is nothing I can't deal with. At least, I don't think it is. I mean… yeah. You're such a good person; it'd be an honor to have you as my wife. And if I need kitchen utensils to pleasure you, well… my wife's gonna get kitchen utensils."

Kasumi blinked. "Really?"

Ranma shrugged. "Yeah."

Kasumi hugged him. "Thank you." She sniffled. "Don't tell anyone about this."

"Of course."

Kasumi announced she was going to begin making dinner, and since the kitchen was a private place and she had finished her conversation with Ranma, it was time for him to go. So Ranma walked into the main room and saw Akane on the floor, doodling in a notebook.

"Hey, Akane –"

"Hey," she said, her mind not present.

"Um… I was wondering why I've been paired off with Kasumi. Did you decide we just couldn't work out together?"

"Yeah…."

Ranma cocked his head to the side and waited for elaboration. None came. He looked over her shoulder to see what she was doodling.

"Umm... yeah. I guess you miss that side of me," Ranma said. Then he turned his head in an attempt to get a better view of the figure next to what appeared to be his former female self. "A lot."

Akane swept a foot at his legs, knocking him to the ground.

"Yeah," Akane said. "But wait till you see what we're doing with Ukyo on page two. Oh wait – you're not seeing this notebook ever again. So sorry!"

Ranma stood up. "Okay, okay – fine. I'll leave you alone to draw your porn." Ranma turned to go, but then turned back towards Akane again. "Incidentally – good job. That's the first I've seen you draw anything that looks like what it's supposed to."

Whoom! A kick to Ranma's knees dropped him again. Akane replied, "Why, thank you for the left-handed compliment, Ranma."

RANMA 1/2

And then one evening Akane, having just left the furo, walked down the hall in her bathrobe drying her hair with a maroon towel. Just as she got to the stairs, Kasumi lightly touched her sister's shoulder and asked, "Akane, would you be interested in renting movies with me and Ranma? Nabiki and Shampoo will be there, too."

Akane said shyly, "Umm... this evening I've got a date with Ukyo."

"Ukyo?" Kasumi said, appearing unsurprised. Kasumi was not so traditional as some made her out to be. "I like her." Kasumi stared straight ahead, no longer seeing anything in the room. "She's got a big spatula."

Akane looked askance at her sister. "Kasumi?"

"Spatula..."

Akane blinked, not comprehending and afraid to ask – so she let it slide and went upstairs.