I'm accepting slaps on the writs for how late this is. Do'B posed a couple of interesting questions in her review and this chapter answers them (I hope). It took a while to decide how I was going to present this and wanted to make sure I was happy with it before I posted it. As it so happens I'd decide done thing and wrote something completely different that I like better. Hope you like it too and therefore forgive the lateness.

Tasha Ozera was an amazing woman. I'd always known that. She was smart and brilliant and beautiful, deadly in her own way and had more determination than a lot of seasoned guardians. However as she sat on the sofa wiping her tears away she looked crushed. Fear for her nephew lined her face and turned her eyes more ice like than before.

I sat across from her on the chair opposite her. Stupid. That's what I had been. Stupid. Looking at her now I wondered how I'd ever believed she could take me from Rose. She had some of the qualities Rose had that much was true. But she wasn't Rose. Once again I realised that if she wasn't Rose she wasn't for me no matter what I told myself.

Sighing I wondered what this break would have been like if Rose and I weren't fighting. We would have been happy. We perhaps wouldn't have seen much of each other but we would have been happy. We could have spent Christmas day talking to each other, exchanging presents and joking about something or other.

If only. Those two words seemed to be the most frequent on my mind. If only Rose and I could have the future we wanted together, if only Rose were still here, if only I could hold her in my arms right now. If only hadn't told her. The questions and 'what if's' and 'if only's' swarmed my mind for what was not the first time and definitely wouldn't be the last.

Movement from Tasha brought me round form my musings. She was re-tying her hair into a low ponytail.

"How did you get in here?" I asked. This room as with all the other guardians' rooms operated on a swipe card basis. As far as I knew they staff didn't keep the spares easily accessible but Tasha would have been able to get one if she wanted it bad enough.

"Stan let me in." she replied still looking at the floor. "Had to drag him here to do it but he did it."

Tasha looked up at that moment and I knew the true extent of her feelings. It was in the look in her eyes and the soft curve of her lips. Love. The idea made me almost sick to my stomach. How could anyone love me, how did I deserve love after all that I had caused? I didn't know if she was forgiving me but I didn't really care. I didn't want anyone's forgiveness. Didn't deserve it. I deserved… well the worst. Dismissal from the ranks, imprisonment, eternal disappointment from everyone. From Rose especially.

I should tell her. Tell her that I didn't deserve her love and that I could never return it but now didn't seem like the right time. Her nephew was missing, possibly dead and the last thing she needed was a broken heart on top of all that. Not right now. But soon. Soon I would tell her. Just as soon as this was all over or the worst had passed us by.

I sat back in my chair and looked to the ceiling. It was plain white which was soothing to the senses. After the chaos of the day I needed something blank to look at.

Tasha moved over to the drinks cabinet and poured us both something. Whatever it was, some sort of amber liquid with ice, was pressed into my hand but I didn't drink it. Even though Alberta had told me to stay out of it all for a while if she needed me she'd ask no matter how angry she was. If that did happen the last thing I needed to do was turn up intoxicated. I put the glass to my temple and let the cold of the ice start to work its way through the headache that was fast developing.

This is the last thing I need right now, I thought. I have to tell my best friend that I do not love her whilst the love of my life is missing.

I outwardly groaned and slouched a little in my chair. I looked at the drink I was holding and contemplated if I could get away with drinking it.

"She'll do everything she can to get them out of there."

"That's what I'm afraid off." I said and stopped contemplating if it was a good idea to drink what was in the glass and knocked it back. "I'm going to bed."

I showed Tasha out the door and then sat in the chair. So I'd just lied to her but I really needed the space and time alone. I wasn't tired at all. I wanted to go out there to Spokane and rip the town apart until I found her.

That however would only tip the Strigoi off and they'd move her, or turn her sooner. The thought made me blanch and I sank even further into the chair.

So did you like it? Let me know. That little 'review' button is calling to you, you know it is!

Richelle Mead wrote and owns VA. I, alas, do not no matter how much I wish had thought of it all first.