Monica's allowed to go home from hospital later that day much to her relief. Armed with a number of a therapist she feels better, slightly. The doctor had found out about her not eating and they'd had a long conversation which ended with her agreeing to therapy. It did help last time, sort of.
"Are you ok?" Rachel asks when they get home.
"I'm fine, just tired"
"No wonder, you've had a strange few days"
"Yeah"
"I'll cook tonight"
"Thanks"
No food no food no food
Logically she knows she needs to eat, especially now they all know but she doesn't want to. She can't exactly make herself throw up, she can't risk ending up in hospital again.
Dinner's ready too soon and she's sitting at the table playing with her pasta.
"Just eat it" Rachel says.
"Yeah"
She puts a bit on her fork and puts it in her mouth.
Chew
Swallow
Simple
Before she knows it she's cleared half her plate.
"Well done" Rachel says.
"Thanks"
Even so she only manages about three quarters.
After dinner she goes round to see Chandler. She's nervous, they haven't been alone together since that day in the hospital.
"Hey" Chandler says.
"Hey"
"How are you feeling?"
"Tired. I'm ok"
"Good. Did you eat?"
"Yeah, ask Rachel"
"No, I believe you"
"What d'ya wanna do?"
"I don't mind, we could watch a film? We don't have to worry about people finding out now"
"Sure"
They go into the living room and find some old horror film to watch. It does a good job of taking Monica's mind off everything.
She'd eaten too much
After the film's over they go to bed. They lie there in silence, things unspoken between them.
"You know I'm here for you" Chandler says eventually.
"I know, thank you"
"Honestly, anytime. For anything"
"I know, I'm sorry you had to find out like that"
"It's ok, I'm glad we did find out. We can help you"
"I guess"
"It's for the best, you want to get better right?"
"I do"
She honestly doesn't know
"Sleep now, you must be tired"
"I am, goodnight"
She shuts her eyes and drifts off.
Flashback
As much as she hates to admit it, therapy is helping. She sees that she doesn't need to control everything and that she shouldn't be scared of food. She's sticking to 2000 calories a day most days and when she doesn't she's close. School's finished, she's got the grades she needs and will be starting cookery school soon.
That worries her slightly, she'll be on her own. Alice said she'd refer her to someone closer. That annoyed her. She liked Alice. Even so, there's part of her that can't wait to leave home.
She's still cutting herself though, she never saw it as a problem. It was only when she mentioned it casually at a therapy session she realised it might be. She promises to try and stop, throw away everything she uses to hurt herself.
And then she gets caught. She doesn't know how. A caught sleeve, an unwanted glance.
"Mon, what's that?"