Chapter 10
Day 16, 00:42hrs.
The silence is unbearable. Tom asked me to stop ticking the messagepadd against the connstation and all I can do now is read and re-read her message.
Whatever happens -Find me.
It's short but her words hold a lot of meaning. She's an intelligent woman and she knows one of three things will happen: one; I don't remember, history will remain unchanged, two; I remember and keep Voyager from getting lost, or three; the scenario she dreads and begged me to prevent, where I remember but retreat my Val Jean into the Badlands none the less. It would mean her trusted Commander had lied to her, had let her feel guilty while he could easily have changed history...and for what? Love?
Whatever happens -Find me.
With only four words she offers the perfect alternative: keep us home, prevent our meeting in the Delta-quadrant but find me none the less. She'll be engaged to Mark, settling into her rank as captain and far from open to a relationship with a fugitive. What would I tell her? I'm the leader of a Maquis-cell but if things were different I'm sure we'd get along quite well. No, I would have to leave the rebellion. I would have to drastically change my life to even physically get close to her, after all, it's not easy for Maquis-leaders to get into San Fransisco.
Whatever happens -Find me.
Then again, the explanation behind her message may be a lot more simple; who's to say our night doesn't have the same impact on her as it has on me? She might have wanted to seek me out in a last desperate and irrational act, even if at that point it could only be over an impersonal messagepadd. Unlikely, but a nice thought.
Whatever happens -Find me.
I let my head rest in my hands. Too many possibilities. I can only think in 'what ifs'. It's giving me a headache.
The Doctor rudely pulls me out of my reverie "you'll wake up in a hospital bed in the Alpha Quadrant. B'Elanna will be at your side." He kneels down next to me and I quickly turn the padd up side down. "You'll be a young man! No grey hair! You'll have your whole life ahead of you!" He's too cheerful and doesn't understand the goodbye my departure entails. He hovers the detachable piece of his medical tricorder over me as I stare out the viewport and closely watch the distortion growing in size. It's not a welcoming sight. "You're body will wake up in sick bay, of course, I plan to keep you sedated until we're there." His forehead wrinkles together as he ponders on what's about to happen "..our Chakotay will probably just have a bad headache and wonder why the duty roster is such a mess." He shrugs it off and closes his tricorder.
The distortion is still opening and the green hue of the graviton radiation mingles with the blue tones of the transwarp conduit. 'No, spatial fissure' Mortimer Harren would say, I might even miss that smug, self absorbed bore of a man. I snort at my melancholy.
The doctor is still beside me and grows more serious as he says "Tell me Commander, is this a future you'd look forward to?" I note the genuine concern in his voice. Who would have thought a hologram could evolve into such a thoughtful man? "I find that many people don't wish to know their future. I myself would consider the sheer finality of it a great loss," he says, perhaps not so thoughtful after all "...no more possibilities to entertain, no more fantasies to indulge in.." His hand moves with the elegance of a ballerina and his philosophical expression is one Socrates would have envied.
I don't answer him. I can only sigh.
He pats me on the shoulder and stands as he says "You'll be with us on Voyager in a couple of years, I'm sure you will." Even in the reflection of the window I can tell he fakes his enthusiasm.
"The distortion now has a diameter of ten meters." Harry says from behind his station.
I turn my chair and look at their faces; Tom, Harry and the Doctor. Optimism in their smiles, empathy in their eyes; they're glad it's not them having to leave this life and having to get back to a world of turmoil and distress.
"I better go to sleep then." I say as I drum my fingers on my armrests and take one last look at the padd. The doctor is already digging through a medkit as he says "I'll give you a sedative."
A boy in my class used to catch rabbits by letting in a ferret at one exit of their hole and awaiting them at another with an opened cage, I can sympathize with those rabbits now more than ever; I feel trapped and fight the urge to escape. My sister, Sekaya, and I had planted a paintbomb in one of the rabbitholes and for over a week the sadistic brat had been bluer than a Bolian. I however, can't be saved with a mere can of paint and a clumsy detonator.
Whatever happens -Find me.
I sigh. My thumb lingers on the button before I finally push 'delete message'. There, it's gone. My colleagues won't read it and her privacy is safe.
That's it. Nothing is keeping me here. I walk to the aft section of the shuttle where the biobed awaits as Tom and Harry pivot their chairs and follow me with their eyes. Even Tom doesn't know what to say.
"Yes," I admit to answer the Doctors earlier question with the door already open and one foot down the step "...most definitely a future to look forward to."