Interview with Commander Shepard
Khalisa al-Jilani reports for this issue of Komsomolskaya Pravda
KP: I am here waiting in the Citadel Presidium for a chance at an exclusive interview with Commander Shepard – the hearthrob of human space! This dashing fighter is off in the corners of the galaxy bravely defending socialism, freedom, and the human race. And... I think I see him now, and, oh my God, the vids totally don't do him justice! For my audience out there you're going to get a shot at him right now and Komsomolskay Pravda will be asking all the hard questions you wanted an answer to. Commander? COMMANDER?
Shepard: sighs I don't normally talk to the tabloids. Or the press.
KP: But comrade Commander, don't you know that the youth of our Brotherhood want to hear all about you? An interview with the first human Spectre would totes draw huge numbers of readers.
Shepard: And I should care because...?
KP: Don't you know an entire generation of young men want to join Public Security because of your example? You feature on more than one agitprop poster as a symbol of our collective values. Those posters seem to be disappearing though because girls all across the galaxy are pinning you to thier bedroom walls.
Shepard: Uh, well I guess my advice to young men would be that Public Security is a calling not a fad. Don't do your service with them just because you think it's cool. You could die. And young ladies: don't deface public property.
KP: Ooooh, harsh words to the women of the Brotherhood. But still, Commander, we hear you're quite the ladies' man. You have a special girl somewhere out there you're trying to make it back to? Or maybe you want to keep her secret so nobody gets jealous? Or perhaps you just like to keep a little harem?
Shepard: Well there's kind of one but... what the hell does this have to do with the news or galactic security?
KP: I am interested in providing news to my readers, Commander, and they want to hear all about what makes YOU great as much as the want to learn about what you do. So I'm guessing there will be no shirtless posters of you soon?
Shepard: Yeah, no.
KP: Is that a yes or a no?
Shepard: Look, I didn't come here to give you some kind of masturbatory fantasy, Al-Jilani, if that really is your name. I'll either talk politics or comfort our people not talk about "10 ways to please your quarian girlfriend."
KP: There you have it folks, the Commander is going out with the lovely Tali'Zorah nam Rayya, a fellow ex-con on his crew. Very lithe. I suppose if you want his attention you'd better get an exo suit, girls. But, Shepard, isn't she a little young for you? In quarian years, only a teenager?
Shepard: I can have you arrested you know. In fact I think I will leave and do just that unless you ask something serious.
KP: Oh, don't worry dear. I was just getting to the juicy questions. You fly aboard the BSV Dzerzhinsky don't you? I heard it was a super-secret program but we all know it's the most kick-ass vessel in the fleet. What do you say to that?
Shepard: It's a triumph of human ingenuity and engineering, Miss Al-Jilani. And it was made necessary to move quickly and defend ourselves from external threats. I'd like to point out though that it's under Commission, not Navy, command.
KP: Getting flirty, hmm Commander? What would Tali say to that?
Shepard: For the last time I'm not with-
KP: You were appointed a Spectre recently after shooting up a brothel in the lower wards. Tell us about that.
Shepard: That operation was in fact my first task as a Council Spectre. The man had vital intelligence on Saren, the rogue Spectre trying to undo galactic stability. I'd warn viewers to be on the watch for him so Spectres like me can do their job and take him down.
KP: You don't want to bring him in? Decisive and daring, I like that in a man. Ain't that right, ladies?
Shepard: Look, I'll do what it takes. That is all.
KP: One last order of business Commander. You are also here to dust off and resupply after the mission that saved a Brotherhood garrison at Feros. The Navy was also there and had taken casualties. Are you mad about them stepping on your toes while you try to do your job?
Shepard: I won't badmouth my comrades in the Fleet. They were doing they're job and we're all part of the same team. But in the future I do think Public Security should handle sensitive issues like Feros better so they don't need to call in other branches of the service to save them and can keep classified intel out of the wrong hands.
KP: And there you have it. Commander Shepard: renegade socialist Spectre. Out fighting the good fight- but still unavailable. It's been a pleasure.
Shepard: I wish I could say the same Miss al-Jilani but I think I'll be on my way.
KP: * hey let's get an ass shot... you can edit out me saying that later right? OK, good... *