Chapter Ten

Lily left Defense Against the Dark Arts feeling more wretched than ever. Although she had produced a corporeal Patronus less than a month ago, now she could hardly get anything from her wand, let alone the beautiful silver swan she'd already grown rather fond of. She just couldn't seem to summon the right happy memory; everything she considered was interrupted by thoughts of moments that might have been, usually between her and James, not real memories from the past.

Mulling over what had changed during the past few weeks, Lily made her way toward the Great Hall. She almost missed her name being called from behind her, she was so lost in thought, trying to find that one memory that would trigger her Patronus once more. When she finally heard it, she turned and was surprised to find Sirius Black grinning at her.

"Was that you?" she asked, tucking her hair behind her ear and shaking her head to clear it of stray thoughts.

"It was," he replied, "but apparently you're off on your broomstick somewhere." He winked at her. "In a hurry?" he asked, more seriously. "Or would you care to take the long way to lunch?"

Lily narrowed her eyes at him. "Why? What are you playing at?"

Sirius gave her a wide-eyed look, as if she had wounded him. "What, can't a bloke talk to a girl without ill intentions?"

"Not you," she returned with a grin. "I know better." He laughed, but she followed him down the corridor anyway, curious as to why he would approach her when they so rarely talked one-on-one, particularly outside of Gryffindor. He didn't take the main staircase, but continued toward the other end of the castle, away from the majority of students heading toward lunch.

"Everyone always assumes the worst," he said, affecting a melodramatic tone of voice. "I'll have you know, it has nothing to do with me, but with a certain mate of mine you seem to be vexing quite a bit lately."

Lily frowned. "You don't mean Remus, do you? Because I'm sorry about Potions—"

"Of course not," Sirius interrupted, waving his hand in the air. "My other best mate. James. Do you know what happened last night after the meeting?"

Lily shook her head, remembering how irritated James had been when he'd left, but then the night had ended badly for her as well: Mark had left her with a short kiss not long after, a frown on his face. She hadn't seen him all morning and had the distinct feeling he was upset about something—and that he was avoiding her.

"I suppose he's blaming me for whatever it was?" Lily asked, feeling weary of it already.

"No, I am," said Sirius very matter-of-factly.

"Why?" exclaimed Lily. "What happened?"

"He got into it with Avery again after the meeting," said Sirius. "That's how he got that black eye."

Lily nodded, remembering James's dark look when he had entered Defense Against the Dark Arts that morning. He had pointedly ignored her, not even glancing in her general direction, but she had asked him about it anyway and only got a growl in response. "How is that my fault, though?" she asked.

Sirius stopped and leaned against the wall, hands crossed over his chest. "Look, Evans, I like you. I really do. But I'm not the only one who's noticed how you and James are getting along this year."

"We're not."

"Exactly. Now why is that?"

Lily glanced at him, then looked away and was silent. It was something she thought about all the time, and yet she still had no answer. They'd been so close to something last year, and yet every week it seemed they drifted further and further apart. They couldn't seem to get along for more than a few minutes when they were together, and each time something meaningful seemed to pass between them, something else seemed to rip it apart.

"I don't know, Sirius," she finally said, her voice quiet.

"Neither does he." Sirius shook his head and stood up straighter. "Well, I'm not going to try and tell you two what's going on, since you probably wouldn't believe me anyway. But as his best friend, I do want to say two things."

"And what's that, Black?" she asked, irritated at his involvement, skeptical of his advice…and yet still curious. Maybe he could shed some light on whatever it was that was keeping her and James from figuring out their relationship and getting on peacefully once and for all.

"First of all, back off. Let up on him a bit. He's had a hard time these last few months." Sirius shook his head as a sad look crossed his face. "I don't know how you feel about your folks, since I couldn't care less about mine, but James lost his mum, and she was a really good person. Try dealing with that on top of N.E.W.T.s and being Head Boy."

"Not to mention Avery and Harrison," Lily murmured, starting to understand.

Sirius nodded grimly. "We're watching out for him there."

"What's the other thing, then?" she asked. She almost didn't want to know, because she suddenly felt bad for all the terrible things she had said and done over the past two months. Yet James always fought back, and in fact started just as many rows as she did. He was also the one who had run off after Cynthia Morris just hours after asking Lily to study with him.

Sirius gave her a very direct look. "There's a fine line between love and hate, Evans. Walk carefully. I don't think you want to end up on the wrong side."

He turned and left her. She just stared at his back, turning over his last words in her mind, trying to understand, before calling out, "I don't hate him, Sirius!"

Sirius turned back and winked once more. "I know."

Two days later, Lily was still thinking about what Sirius had said as she left the common room to meet Mark in the library. She had actually done what Sirius had asked and tried not antagonize James. Sirius was right, in some ways, and she could admit it to herself if no one else: she had been hard on James from the very first day. And yet…she missed it, any contact they had, whether they were snapping at each other or having an awkward moment on the staircase.

She was surprised to find Mark waiting for her in the corridor outside the portrait hole. He looked both distant and uncomfortable, and she was immediately on guard.

"Hi," she said. He did not lean down to kiss her, and she knew something was wrong because he always greeted her with a warm embrace.

"Hi, Lily," he replied, avoiding her gaze. He sounded sad, for some reason.

"What's going on?" she asked. "I thought we were meeting in the library."

He finally looked at her, his face unreadable. "I wanted to talk to you first. Can we just walk a bit?"

"Sure," she said. She glanced down at his hands, but he held tight to his shoulder bag instead of taking hold of hers. He was also quiet as they walked, as if he were reluctant to start.

"What's wrong?" she finally asked, though deep down she was starting to suspect the answer. Mark had been distant since the prefects' meeting, and he had put off their study date in the library the night before.

"Lily, do you like me?" he asked bluntly in return. "Really like me?"

She blinked, caught unprepared for the question. Yet she knew that any hesitation would answer for her, so she responded as quickly as she could recover. "Of course I do!" she said. "Why are you asking?"

He didn't answer right away. "I guess because I don't really believe you."

"You don't believe me?" she repeated. "Why? We've been together for several weeks, of course I like you. Why would you ask me that me now?"

He stopped and looked down at her, his hazel eyes serious. "Potter," he said, very matter-of-factly.

"What?" Lily stopped with him, shaking her head as she tried to understand. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Mark shrugged uncomfortably, as if apologizing for what he was going to say. "I've seen the way you look at him, Lily. The way you talk to him. The way you fight with him."

"What?" she repeated. "The way I look at him? Talk to him? But we fight all the time!" she exclaimed, her voice rising higher even though she tried to control it. "We can't stand each other. You saw what happened after the last meeting!"

"I did," he said, sounding miserable. "And that's sort of when it hit me, what's going on between you two. I had really hoped I was wrong, but I just can't shake the feeling…" Now he shook his head, shifting awkwardly between his feet.

"What feeling?" demanded Lily, her voice now back under control even though her heart was racing.

"The feeling that you…well, that you are not really interested in being with me, for one." He readjusted his shoulder bag and pierced her with his sad eyes.

"That I…" she stammered, her heart breaking as he held her gaze and she saw the hurt on his face. She had to look away before answering. "But I do like you," she said softly, though she knew she didn't sound convincing at all. Inside, she cursed James Potter for doing this to her. Mark was seeing shadows where there were none, jealous of something that just wasn't there. If Potter hadn't got her riled up at the last meeting, none of this would be happening.

"Are you thinking about him right now?" asked Mark.

Lily glanced up at him in surprise and and bit her lip. Mark blew out a breath and ran his hand through his hair again. For the first time since she had started seeing him, it stuck up, and Lily stared at him in silent shock as she realized how much like James he was at times, yet so different. And he was obviously upset to leave it so messy, when it was always so neat.

"Look, I know you're probably confused now, but I think you need to figure things out before we go any further." He paused and waited for her to acknowledge him, her eyes wide and brimming with unshed tears. "I don't want to be your second choice. I like you too much for that."

Lily choked back a sob. Why was this happening? She really did like him, didn't she? He wasn't a second choice, because she didn't even have a first choice. He seemed to think it was Potter, but James was a complete tosser compared to Mark. Of course she wanted to be with Mark…but she could see in his eyes that he didn't believe her.

Or maybe he just didn't feel that strongly about her after all. The realization crushed her, that maybe after spending so much time with her, he had decided that he didn't like her as much as he had thought the first time he had asked her to study with him in the prefects' lounge. Maybe it had nothing to do with James and everything to do with Mark.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, leaning down to kiss her on the cheek, and he seemed genuinely remorseful. "Please let me know if things change."

Lily watched him go, too stunned to reply. She was devastated and angry at the same time, for too many reasons to count. She had just been dumped by her boyfriend—a smart, funny, good-looking prefect. And it was all because of the hopeless prat of a Head Boy she worked with.

Dashing tears from her eyes, Lily hurried back toward Gryffindor. She had the sudden, inexplicable urge to scream and shout, and it was all directed at James Potter. Everything Sirius had said to her was forgotten; she didn't care what James was going through or what side of the line she was on. She only hoped James was in the common room to feel her wrath.

Storming through the portrait hole, Lily came to a sudden stop when half the tower glanced up from their work to stare at her wild appearance. She had heard how Cynthia Morris had come through the portrait hole crying on Halloween, and how James had run after her. She wondered if he would follow her if she turned and left; knowing he probably wouldn't only infuriated her even more. Looking around, she saw him sitting in the corner with Remus and Peter. He glanced up, frowned at her, then turned back to his friends. Lily felt her temper rise as she stomped over to him.

"You are the biggest bloody arsehole at Hogwarts," she stated.

James gave her bland look. "And what did I do now?"

Lily wanted to shout at him that he had ruined her relationship with Mark, that he was an arrogant, moody tosspot who deserved nothing from her, but she didn't want to give him the satisfaction. And looking into his hazel eyes, her heart jumped a bit in her chest, and she was suddenly confused about whose fault it really was after all. Maybe it wasn't Potter's fault that Mark was jealous.

Maybe it was hers.

"Nothing," she finally replied, trying to maintain her dignity even as her anger began to dissipate into the hurt, loss, fear, and confusion she'd been trying to hold back with heated words. She took a deep breath to keep from breaking into sobs. "You just are."

She turned her back on him and hurried up to the girls' dormitory. She tried to hold her shoulders as straight as she could until she had slammed the door behind her.

And then she fell on her bed and cried herself to sleep.

End Notes:

Thank you dearest Lea! And the flist for answering all my questions. And Carole for Britpicking. And JKR for giving us this wonderfully fun couple to write about (I had to put that in there somewhere.) And for all the reviews, they are much loved and so encouraging!

Yes, I know Lily's Patronus wasn't a swan in book seven. But that doesn't mean it was always a doe...

The next chapter is about to get interesting. You may prepare your rotten fruit, but keep some in reserve because it won't be the half of it. *wicked author grin*