A/N: Crackfic Alert!!
For those who are unaware, the two main members of DVDA are Matt Stone and Trey Parker of South Park fame, so PLEASE keep that in mind when reading this. Put your satire pants on first, okay?
DO NOT Google the band name. Trust me on this one. Especially if you're at work.
This site won't let me link to the David Gaider post that inspired this... but lets just say that it had to do with John Wayne and Chuck Norris in tears. ;)
Karate Cowboy
Song:
DVDA – Now You're a Man
What makes a man?
Is it the power in his hands?
Is it his quest for glory?
Give it all you've got to fight to the top
So they can know your story…
What makes a man?
It is the woman in his arms
Just 'cause she has big titties?
Or is it the way he fights everyday?
No, it's probably the titties…
With a resounding thud, Alistair dropped an impossibly large pile of firewood next to the campfire. He had just spent the last hour splitting the wood, taken from an abandoned woodcutter's log cabin that he had torn down earlier with his bare hands. He threw some of the wood haphazardly into a pile, and looked at the mage sitting on the ground next to him.
"Light the fire. I would do it myself, but it seems a waste of our lyrium."
Neria had seen him light those bandits in Lothering on fire, just by glaring at them. The blue beams of light that shot from his eyes had frightened her more than a little, even if it had been an effective way of dealing with the threat. She cast her spell, and the logs were soon ablaze.
"Witch!" he bellowed across the camp. Not for the first time did Neria wonder if she wouldn't be better off sitting at Morrigan's private campfire. "When dinner is ready, you will come find me in my tent." He turned back to Neria. "Come with me. What's dinner without a bit of a show beforehand?" He smiled, a wicked, filthy thing. She had never seen its like, not even on the face of that old lecherous templar at the Tower. The one with a reputation for cornering young female mages alone in dark corners. She did not move.
"Into my tent, woman. Now!" Alistair reached down and grabbed her, and carried her over his shoulder across the camp. "When we get to Redcliffe in the morning, you will be silent and let me deal with the arl. You are here to kill Darkspawn by day and warm my bed at night, do you understand?" She was starting to understand why the Revered Mother had let him go from the Chantry. His abilities and powers were more than even the Maker himself could feasibly control.
She wondered why she was the lucky target of his "affections" and not Morrigan. Probably because she's just as power-hungry as he is. They'd end up killing one another in the process.
She would pack her things as soon as she was able, and sneak off in the dark of night. If he's so bloody powerful, well then as far as I'm concerned he can go stop the sodding Blight all by himself!