Lorelai walked up to the counter and rapped her knuckles against the surface of it. "Ready?"
Luke took a last look around the diner, trying not to let the sense of doom hanging over his head ruin their trip. "Ready," he sighed, and grabbed his leather jacket from a hook by the kitchen door.
"Wow. You look nice," Lorelai commented. Her voice was approving, but also slightly surprised.
He looked down at his outfit as he pushed his arms through the jacket sleeves. "Just jeans and a shirt."
"Nice jeans," she clarified. "Button-down shirt. Sharp jacket." She pointed to his head. "No hat. Must be a red-letter day."
He shrugged. "So I want to make a good impression. It's been quite a while since I've seen her."
"No doubt she'll be proud of her brother." Frowning, Lorelai glanced at her own outfit. "Maybe I should have dressed up more."
"Are you serious, Cinderella? You could dress in rags and still be the most beautiful woman in the room."
She regarded him critically. "Are you teasing me?"
"Hardly," he scoffed.
Her cheeks flushed as she cast her eyes downward, a pleased smile on her mouth. "I didn't realize that's what you thought."
He stepped closer to her, put his hands on her shoulders, and waited for her to look at him. "Then you haven't been paying attention," he informed her.
"Well…thanks," she said softly, staring into his eyes.
"You're welcome," he said, just as softly. It took a while for his brain to send out the message to take his hands from her shoulders and remove himself from her personal space.
"Let's get going," Lorelai suggested. She started for the front door, while Luke headed to the back hallway.
"My truck's parked in the alley," he informed her, pointing.
"Hmm, yeah, let's not," Lorelai countered. "I mean, your truck's great and all, but I think my car's a little more comfortable for a long trip."
He paused, then reluctantly headed towards her. "You're sure?"
"Absolutely." They exited the diner and walked down the sidewalk towards her car. "Unless you're one of those guys who can't stand to let a woman drive him around," she theorized.
"No, I think my fragile male ego is OK with that." He heard the locks release and opened the passenger door. The seat was already set to accommodate his long legs. "One of the perks of being with a tall woman," he observed, reaching for the seatbelt.
"What is?" She was buckling hers, too.
"Not having my knees touch my chin." He motioned at the space in front of him.
She chuckled. "Well, the seats can be adjusted individually, so you're not locked into my preference. We're past the age of bench seats."
"Yeah, I know, but it feels weird if the driver's hunched up over the wheel, and you're practically in the back seat."
"True." Lorelai pulled out into the street. "Rachel is tall, isn't she?"
"Pretty tall, I guess. Not as tall as you are, I don't think."
"Is that bad?"
"Is what bad?"
"That I'm as tall as I am."
"Are you kidding?" he said. With the legs you've got? was his auxiliary thought, but he managed not to say it out loud.
"Guys seem to like short girls, even if they're tall themselves. They like them tiny and cuddly, I guess. I've had guys turn tail and run once they've seen me stand up."
Luke snorted disparagingly. "Their loss."
Lorelai smiled out of the driver's side window. "OK, so you think I'm beautiful and don't mind my height. Wow, this trip's been remarkably informative already." She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. "How much more can I wheedle out of you in three hours' time?"
"Knowing you?" Luke settled back in his seat, feeling relaxed and content in her company. In fact, he couldn't think of anyone he'd rather take along on a trip. "Probably everything."
"Challenge accepted!" she said with a big grin. She reached for her sunglasses and expertly merged into the highway traffic.
"Luke?" A gentle hand caressed his hair and the side of his face. "Come on, Pretty Boy, wake up," a sweet voice cajoled him.
"Mmm." He turned his face into the hand, nuzzling it. The last thing he wanted to do was wake up.
The hand was abruptly snatched away, and his face smacked leather upholstery. "Luke, wake up," Lorelai said in a no-nonsense tone.
He scrambled to sit up, blinking sleep away. "Sorry." He rubbed at his face, especially the side that still smarted from hitting the seat. "Where are we?"
"About forty-five miles away from your sister's."
"Sorry," Luke said again, not sure if he was apologizing for falling asleep on the drive or for the hand nuzzles. "Are you ready for a break? Want me to drive now?"
"Since you still look about half-asleep, I don't think you and driving are a good match at the moment." She smiled, and he figured that meant all was forgiven. "No, I stopped because there's a BabiesRUs at this exit." She pointed through the windshield at the big cheerful building in front of them.
He squinted at it, then looked around the shopping center. "You're sure we can find something here?"
"Oh, yeah. That won't be an issue," Lorelai said, chuckling at his naiveté. She swung open her door. "Come on, let's go."
Once inside, she led him to a bank of three machines with built-in screens.
"Are these ATMs?"
"No, these are the gift registries. We can find out what Liz wants for the baby."
"How do we do that?"
"We put in her name and her city, and hopefully it pops right up." Lorelai brought up the screen and began typing. "Um, except that I don't know much of the pertinent information. Here, you take over."
"I have no idea what last name she might be using now," he muttered, using one finger to slowly type letters on the screen.
"Go ahead and hit 'enter.' Maybe there's enough there to get us a match."
A list of ten names materialized on the screen. "That one," Luke said, pointing at the third one. "That's her."
"Excellent." Lorelai pushed the "print" button, and soon papers began to feed into a tray in the middle of the machine.
"That's a lot of stuff!" Luke protested as the printing continued.
"Well, some of it has already been purchased." She showed him the notations underneath various items. "That's what's nice about this, you can see what they've already received, so you don't duplicate. When we check out, they'll update her list to reflect whatever we buy."
"That's smart," he admitted grudgingly. "How do you know about all of this?"
"Oh, there's always a baby shower," Lorelai said wearily. "Or a wedding shower. Or a housewarming. At least these registry things make it a lot easier."
"I thought you liked shopping."
"I do, for myself." She cut herself off and looked at him seriously. "And I don't mind doing this today, for your sister. It's just sometimes I get tired of constantly being expected to fulfill the social obligation thing. It's fine when you actually know the recipient, but it's a pain when it's for a cousin you barely remember, or it's for Timmy's second wedding or something, and maybe you've only bumped into Timmy once or twice in the breakroom at work."
"Yeah, that doesn't sound like fun. Or fair," Luke agreed with a grimace.
"So Uncle Moneybags, what's our budget for today?"
"Geez, I don't know." He looked blankly at the rows and rows of baby things. "How much does this stuff cost? I mean, I want to get her something nice."
Lorelai nodded. "OK, my idea is that we get one thing that's practical and functional, and then something else that's just fun." She'd been scanning through the sheets, and now she pointed an item out to him. "They've asked for a highchair, and no one's gotten it yet, because it's one of the higher-priced things. But yet it's something they'll use every day, once she's a little bit older. It might be nice for them to see it and remember it came from you when they do. How do you feel about that?"
"Yeah, that's great," he agreed, not put off by the price tag. He was also encouraged to think that their shopping might be done so quickly.
"And then, maybe we could pick out some bibs to go with it, or some toddler plates and silverware, or something like that."
"Sounds good," Luke agreed. Once again he looked at the miles of aisles, wondering where they could find such things.
Lorelai came to rescue yet again. She showed him the location column on the list. "Looks like we head for aisle 45."
"This is my kind of shopping," Luke stated. "No fuss, no confusion. Every store should be like this."
He easily picked up one of the boxed highchairs stacked beside the display and slid it underneath the shopping cart. They – meaning Lorelai – then decided on a set of unbreakable dishes with Sesame Street characters on them. She also found a 6-pack of very sensible bibs and another set with all sorts of lace and ruffles on them. "For going out," she explained.
"Sure," Luke shrugged, pretending he understood.
The next time he turned around a very large pink elephant in a ballerina tutu was riding in the shopping cart. "What's this?" he wanted to know.
Lorelai put a hand to her mouth and gasped, pretending to be shocked. "Why, Miss Elephant! Did you want to come meet Doula, too?"
"Isn't this thing bigger than the baby?"
"Oh, but Luke!" She took his hand and rubbed it against the elephant's trunk. "Isn't it soft? Feel." She moved his hand up to the pachyderm's head. "Aww. All soft and cozy. How can you resist?"
He tried to sound grouchy, but he just couldn't. "Sure, bring the elephant. The more the merrier, right?"
Lorelai giggled, delighted at his easy capitulation. She started to thread the way up to the front of the store. They'd almost made it to the cash registers when she darted away.
"Hey, where are you…"
She didn't go far. With Christmas just over a month away, holiday clothing had taken over a large section of the store. Lorelai jumped into the midst of the display, her fingers smoothing over the tiny outfits. Luke watched her, unable to identify the different emotions he saw playing over her face, but they held him transfixed, all the same. For once he was in no hurry to leave a store.
When she rejoined him, she held a minuscule blue velvet dress, a white sweater with sparkly buttons, snowflake-sprigged tights, and the smallest pair of black shoes he'd ever seen.
"These are from me," she said defensively, holding them to her tightly. As if he was going to take them away from her or something.
"Those seem festive," he said neutrally. He put his little finger against one of the shoes, using that method to measure it. "You're sure these will fit her?"
"These are the three-month size, so they should." She suddenly looked at him in slight alarm. "Right? She was just born, and Christmas is next month, so she should fit in them, shouldn't she?"
"You're asking the wrong person," he reminded her. "I know nothing about babies."
"I don't either," she said, sounding worried. "All I do is shop from the gift list." She stared at the items of clothing for a moment. "Oh well, I'll ask for a gift receipt, just in case."
Luke began to push the loaded cart to the checkout line, but Lorelai veered off yet again. "Let's grab some gift bags and a big bow for the highchair box."
"All right," he sighed, finally beginning to lose patience with the shopping experience. Luckily, once they did make it to the checkout, the cashier scanned their purchases swiftly and they were back out to the car in no time. Lorelai tucked everything into the gift bags, and then Luke had to figure out how to fit it all into the car.
When he got into the passenger seat, he discovered the pink elephant perched on the console between the seats. "Really?"
Lorelai grinned but didn't respond. She started the car.
"Can you even drive with this thing sitting here?"
"Miss Elephant will help me navigate, if needed. She'll read the map, in case you fall asleep again."
"I'm not going to fall asleep again," he muttered. Now that they were getting closer to the destination, he was beginning to feel nervous. Definitely, he would not be falling asleep.
Preoccupied by his own anxieties, he didn't notice that Lorelai's attention was similarly elsewhere.
"Chris has a kid," she suddenly announced from out of nowhere.
"What?" He shook his head, thinking that somehow he had dozed off again and missed the start of the conversation.
"Christopher. He has a…" She paused long enough to take a deep breath. "A daughter. A little girl. She's adorable," she said insistently, as if he was going to disagree.
"Christopher," he repeated. "Your Christopher?"
"He's not my Christopher anymore, but yeah. Him."
Luke still felt like he was floundering to get back on track. "How did that happen?"
Lorelai smirked, grimly. "The usual way, I imagine."
"You know what I mean."
"I told you, we were on and off, on and off, for a lot of years. During one of the 'off' times, he met this woman, Sherry. They fell for each other, hard, and for a while, it seemed like the real thing. I was dating someone else at the time, too, so it didn't seem too odd. But then it went on, and on…and I started to realize...this might be it. And Chris kept insisting that I meet her. It was important to him that I get to know her. To give my stamp of approval, I guess."
"And did you? Meet her, approve of her?"
"Yeah, a couple of times. She is…relentlessly perky. Extremely organized. She must be borderline OCD, she's so obsessed with order in everything. She'd drive me nuts in a day or less. But she seemed good for Chris. He became a functioning adult for the first time ever. He was holding down a job. They moved in together. He seemed really committed to the relationship. He even bought a grown-up car."
"What's a grown-up car?" Luke wondered.
"A Volvo." She wrinkled her nose, and Luke chuckled.
"Anyway, this went on for six months, eight months, and then he turned up at my place one day. Things were beginning to sour. Her alphabetizing and over-scheduling were finally beginning to get to him. He wasn't sure what to do. The next weekend, he turned up again. They'd talked, and come to the conclusion that they were probably done. We…" She sighed, staring through the windshield at the road ahead. "We fell back into our usual pattern."
"Ah," was the only comment Luke permitted himself.
"A few days later, he got a phone call. Sherry's pregnant."
"Whoa."
"Yeah." She sighed again. "He immediately decided he was going back, but he kept dithering about me."
Luke didn't like the sound of that. "And by dithering, you mean…?"
"He seemed to think that he could figure out a way to keep both of us."
"Really," Luke said, not caring if he sounded judgmental. "How'd that work out?"
"I informed him that was not an option."
"Good for you." His dry tone didn't give away how anxious he'd been to hear her reply. "How'd it end up?"
"They stayed together, and Georgia was born."
"They married?"
"No, Sherry was appalled at the idea of being a fat bride. She decided they'd wait until after the birth, until she got her figure back, but by the time she was perfectly skinny again, it was over." Lorelai glanced sideways at him. "She got an offer to work in France and she jumped at it. She left Georgia with Chris and took off."
"No!" Luke discovered he was more invested in the story than what he thought.
"I kid you not."
"Wow. So he's still raising her on his own?"
"No, Sherry's mothering instinct kicked in once she got settled over there. She hired a nanny and took Georgia to live with her in France." Lorelai looked glum. "We stopped on the way to Italy to see her. She's the prettiest child imaginable. Long blonde curls; this adorable upturned nose." She looked over at him again. "And the biggest brat ever," she stated. "She never gets told no, and it shows." She raised and lowered her shoulders, either to relieve the tension from driving, or to put an end to the story. "Anyway, I was a stepmother for about six minutes."
Not knowing what to say, Luke stayed silent.
"I don't know why I had the urge to spill all of that to you." She laughed self-consciously. "At the time it was happening, I just absorbed it all, you know? There was nothing I could do about it, so I just watched as it unfolded. I guess all of the recent baby talk brought the anxiety of that period back to the surface."
"I'm glad you told me." He smiled at her, kindly. "Even though it all sounds like a soap opera."
"It does, doesn't it?" She shook her head. "What a mess," she mumbled, mostly to herself.
Luke was about to ask another question when a road sign caught his eye. "Hey, 126 coming up! That means we turn at the next light. To the left."
"Okey-dokey!" Lorelai busied herself watching for a break in traffic. They found the neighborhood and Liz's house easily. She parked at the curb, in front of the well-maintained ranch.
Luke sat unmoving after the car came to a stop, his breathing shaky. He couldn't believe that seeing his own sister had turned him into such a coward.
"Hey." Lorelai reached around the elephant and grasped his wrist. "This doesn't have to be a long visit, you know. We can go in, ooh and aah over the baby for a little bit, give them the presents and then skedaddle, if you want to. We can always come up with a reason why we have to head back early. Just give me a sign and I'll take care of it." She frowned, pondering. "Pickles. Yeah, just say 'pickles' and I'll know you want to leave."
"Pickles? Why pickles?"
"Why not?" She shrugged. "It's not a word you use in normal conversation, so it's a good code word."
"I don't need a code word." He sat up straighter. "I'm fine. It's fine." He took a deeper breath. "It will be fine," he insisted.
Lorelai picked up the elephant and thrust it at him. "Would it help to hug the elephant?"
He met her eyes. "I'd rather hug you," he said. He tried to play it off as if he was joking, but he acknowledged to himself that it was a completely honest statement.
She looked startled, but then grinned. "I'm not opposed to that, you know."
He put his hand on the door. "Should we take in the gifts now?"
"Nah, let's get the greetings over with first. You can come out later and fetch them. That will also give you an excuse to get out of the house for a couple of minutes, just in case you need one."
"You have such a devious mind," Luke commented, as he waited for her to come around the car.
She nodded, not taking offense. "It's from all of those years of sneaking out my balcony window."
"You – What?"
"Never mind." She took his hand and began to lead him to the front door. "Those are stories I can entertain you with on the drive home."
Liz flung open the door before they knocked. "Big Bro!" she shouted, and threw her arms around Luke's neck.
"Liz." He hugged her back, keeping his mind locked in the present. "How are you?"
"I'm good." She stepped back, openly wiping her eyes. Her smile wavered as she fought to remain cheery.
"You look great," he told her sincerely. She looked healthy and content, a 180 degree turnaround from when she was battling her own demons.
"I look like I'm still pregnant," she said with a big grin. "But I don't care. I'm nursing Doula, so she'll take care of it for me sooner or later." She took in her brother. "You're the one who looks good. Doesn't he look good?" she asked Lorelai.
"He always looks good," Lorelai confirmed. "Which is very annoying for those of us who have to work at it."
Luke scoffed, but Liz gave Lorelai a wink of approval. "I know, right? Can you imagine what it was like to go to high school with him? There's the golden boy, Butch Danes, and then…" She pointed dramatically to herself. "There's me."
"Butch?" Lorelai asked eagerly.
Luke shot Liz a look of warning.
"I'll tell you later," Liz said in a stage whisper. "In the k-i-t-c-h-e-n."
"Luckily I'm a pretty good speller." Lorelai took a step closer to Liz and held out her hand. "I'm Lorelai."
"Yeah, I figured." She pushed Lorelai's hand out of the way. "I'm a hugger. Is that OK with you?"
"Uh, sure!" Lorelai said, too brightly. She opened her arms, and Liz squeezed her tightly. "Thanks for letting me tag along with the golden boy," she added, once she'd escaped the embrace.
"I'm thrilled both of you are here. Come into the living room and have a seat."
They hadn't taken more than a step when Liz yelped. "No, no – stay there!"
They froze.
"Move closer together."
"Liz –"
"Come on, Luke, just do it, OK?"
With a long-suffering sigh, he inched sideways, closer to Lorelai, who was watching both of them curiously.
Liz frowned and squinted, staring at the space over their heads. "Oh yeah," she said happily. "This is gonna work. I think you got it right, Big Bro!"
"Liz," he said again, making it sound like more of a threat.
"It's your auras," Liz told Lorelai.
Lorelai glanced at Luke from the corner of her eye. "Auras, huh?"
"Yeah, and yours are, wow, so compatible."
"Are they?" Lorelai openly grinned at Luke.
"Big time. Now Rachel – God love her, she's a great gal – but her aura was all wrong for him. It was sorta rusty brown, with some golden streaks shooting through it. But Luke, he's this strong greenish-blue, you know? So that was never really gonna be harmonious." She jammed her fingers together, as if they were fighting. "But now you two – it's a beautiful thing."
"How so?" Lorelai wondered, no longer sounding like such a skeptic.
"Yours is this gorgeous shade of midnight blue, and it's meshing with his like crazy. Seriously, you guys, it's like the Aurora Borealis above your heads right now." Liz sighed in satisfaction. "It's quite the show you're putting on. I wish you could see it for yourselves."
"Don't scare Lorelai off with your paranormal crap," Luke warned. He took Lorelai's arm and urged her into the living area.
"Luke refuses to believe anything unless it's in a science book," Liz said, unperturbed. She joined them in the living room. "How was the drive? You find the house OK?"
"Yeah, no problem at all," Lorelai responded.
Luke had been cautiously examining the space. "Hey Liz – where's T.J.?"
"Oh, he had to work today."
"Work?" Luke asked cynically.
"He picks up hours at the Home Depot when we're in town."
"Really? I didn't know that." Luke was legitimately surprised.
"Yeah, and too bad, he got called in today." Liz nodded. "Maybe because somebody –" She pointed at herself – "got a hold of the floor manager and sweet talked him into adding T.J. into the schedule for today."
Lorelai laughed and Luke couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"I thought that it might be good to have some time alone today, without T.J. being here," Liz told him plainly.
"Oh, Liz, I don't – you didn't have to –"
"It's OK, Luke. I know T.J.'s personality sorta takes up the whole space. Sometimes it's hard to have another conversation going."
"That is true," Luke mumbled, looking over at Lorelai significantly.
"Darn. I was hoping to meet him," she responded brightly.
"He'll be home a little bit later," Liz assured her. "And Doula's napping right now. You'll meet her later, too."
Lorelai gasped. "What? You lured us here under false pretenses?"
Liz chuckled. "I promise, you'll have plenty of time to check her out."
"But you guys are good?" Luke asked. "Everything's OK?"
"Yeah, everything's good, Luke. No need to worry about us. We're doing fine."
Luke nodded, as every other possible topic of conversation immediately disappeared from his brain.
"So, Liz." Lorelai smoothly took over the discussion. "You said something a little bit ago about T.J. working when you were home. Do you guys travel some of the time?"
Liz nodded madly. "Yeah, we're part of the circuit."
"I'm sorry, the…circuit?" She glanced over at Luke.
He closed his eyes and sank down into the chair a little bit further.
"Yeah, renaissance. We travel all around New England during the spring and summer and into the fall."
"Renaissance? You mean like with medieval costumes and jousting and stuff?"
"Exactly!" Liz beamed at her. "We've got this little dollhouse of a camper we live in. The whole thing's a blast!"
"You make a living from that?"
"Yeah, we're not rolling in the dough or anything, but we're content."
"So, what do you do exactly? You have a booth or something? How does it work?'
"I make jewelry, so yeah, I have a booth. When we're home, like this, I make things for special orders and mail them out. A couple of shops around here let me display stuff, too. People seem to like what I make. I kinda think I've found my calling."
Lorelai sat up on the edge of her seat. "Jewelry?" she asked intently.
"I'll show you later, if you're interested."
"Oh, I'm interested, all right!"
Liz chuckled. "Right now, all of my supplies are still in Doula's room. I guess I'll have to come up with another work area once she starts crawling around."
"And your husband…"
"T.J."
"T.J., right. What does he do on the circuit? He jousts? Or…ooh! Does he breathe fire? Please tell me he breathes fire!"
Liz laughed again. "No, he basically helps me. He's the brains of the operation."
Luke tried to stifle a scoff but was only partially successful.
"He made the best sign for my booth. Sales really picked up after that. He's not shy about going through the crowd and sort of encouraging people to step over my way, either. I don't know what I'd do without him." Liz beamed. "He helps other people get their booths set up, too. Haybale Bill has really gotten to rely on him for all sorts of odds and ends."
"Haybale –" Lorelai started to say.
"We're trying to come up with a way for T.J. to use his artistic talent, too. We're thinking maybe we could make my booth bigger and then he could sit at one end and do his portraits."
"Wow, he draws, huh?"
"He's an Etch-A-Sketch artist."
Lorelai quickly glanced at Luke again. "What?"
"He does these incredibly life-like portraits on an Etch-A-Sketch. Seriously, Lorelai, we're talking real works of art."
"But how does…" Lorelai was frowning and blinking rapidly as she tried to comprehend T.J.'s talent. "The nature of an Etch-A-Sketch is that it's temporary, isn't it?" She made a shaking motion with her hands.
"Yeah, that's been the big drawback of turning it into something he could sell. I mean, you'd have to break the Etch-A-Sketch to keep the drawing permanent. And that wouldn't work. Think of the expense of that! Plus, we couldn't haul a million Etch-A-Sketches around with us!" Liz grinned. "That'd be silly!"
"Silly. Right," Lorelai murmured.
"But recently we came across a Polaroid camera and bunch of film, super cheap. So we're thinking maybe T.J. could do the portrait, and then we'd take a Polaroid of the Etch-A-Sketch picture, and give them that to take home! That'd work, right?"
"Uh…sure?"
"The problem is…" Liz sighed. "There's this really strict rule about anachronisms in the faire. The guy who runs our group has a fit if he even thinks there's a cellphone in your pocket. We're not supposed to have anything visible from the present day. It's all supposed to be old-timey, you know? But hey, I use plastic string and modern clasps in my jewelry, so what's the difference, right?"
Lorelai stared hard at Liz for a second, before whipping her head around to glare at Luke. "You told me none of this?" she hissed at him.
He shrugged and looked away, feeling guilty for no discernible reason.
"So, Liz," Lorelai continued, turning back to his sister without a hitch, "how far afield do you and your historically accurate cronies travel? Do you ever make it down into, say, Connecticut?"
Luke suddenly sat straight up. "No," he said.
"Yes," Lorelai said sweetly, her gaze locked onto Liz. "Isn't it time for your group to try out a new market?"
"No," Luke repeated, putting force behind the word.
Liz's eyes twinkled at Lorelai. "My brother's terrified that I'll come back to town and embarrass him with all my freaky friends."
"Oh, him," Lorelai said, waving her hands his way. "Listen, you probably don't know, but I'm in the process of renovating this old inn, and I think –"
"Yeah, I know. The Dragonfly, right?"
That stopped Lorelai cold. "You know the Dragonfly?" she asked in amazement.
"You bet! Oh man, the times I had out there!"
"What are you talking about?" Luke asked sharply.
Liz chuckled. "That place was party central back in the day. There was a whole group of us who'd meet out there. Smoke. Drink." She waggled her eyebrows. "Experiment with other things."
"What?!" Luke couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"Golden Boy and I moved in completely different circles," Liz explained to Lorelai. "He was so squeaky clean that he had no idea Stars Hollow had this dirty underbelly to it."
"I knew," Luke grumbled. "I just didn't realize it involved the Dragonfly." He glared at his sister. "Or that you were that involved in it."
"Oh," Liz sighed dreamily. She leaned back in her chair and briefly closed her eyes, remembering another time. "I think I even lost my virginity out there."
"Liz!"
She opened her eyes back up and took in the differing levels of astonishment and/or horror on the faces of her guests. "Too much information?"
Lorelai stood up and pointed at Liz. "Wait, wait, wait!" She was almost dancing in her excitement. "Are you the 'Lizzie D.' immortalized in a limerick on the wall in the front bedroom?"
"Most likely," Liz chortled.
"Ha! Oh, my God!" Lorelai plopped back down. "When you come to visit, I will make sure you get that room!"
"Wouldn't that be a trip!" Liz laughed too. "Like going back in time or something!"
"Something like that," Lorelai murmured, catching Luke's eye. "Anyway…" she shook off whatever otherworldly vibrations had temporarily reached out to her. "Do you think we could talk about your group staging a faire in Stars Hollow, maybe out by the Dragonfly? I think that would be a great draw for the whole area!"
"No," Luke stated yet again, to deaf ears.
"It wouldn't be for a while, probably. We're not opening until the spring, and it might take us a year until we could host something like that," Lorelai went on, ignoring him.
"That would be a hoot!" Liz agreed enthusiastically.
"Can you imagine the hoops Taylor would make you jump through?" Luke pointed out, trying to dissuade her. "Think of all of the permits you'd have to get!"
"Phfft, Taylor. I can handle him." She looked proudly at Liz. "I am a full voting member at the town meetings, now."
"Wow, congrats," Liz teased her.
Lorelai got a speculative look on her face. "What if I commissioned you to make some jewelry for me? Maybe with some sort of dragonfly beads or charms on it or something? Could you do that?"
"You should probably actually see my stuff, first," Liz suggested, amused by Lorelai's over-eagerness.
"Good idea," Luke muttered.
"Again, my brother has no faith in anything I do."
Lorelai shot him a warning frown. "I want a small corner in the entry to be stocked with gifts and souvenirs for sale, hopefully made by local vendors. I think some sort of dragonfly jewelry would fit in perfectly, don't you?"
"Maybe," Luke agreed grudgingly.
"Well, once Doula –"
A high, thin cry pierced through the air.
"Speak of the little angel," Liz said with a smile. "I'll be right back."
As soon as Liz was out of the room, Lorelai came to stand in front of him, her hands on her hips. "Stop it!" Her voice was low, but threatening all the same.
He scowled back at her. "Stop what?" he asked peevishly.
"You know perfectly well what. You're belittling your sister and acting like I don't know what I'm doing, either. I really don't appreciate your shitty attitude."
"And you don't appreciate just how flaky my sister is. You're not the one who's had to put up with her crap for the last few decades."
"I don't care. Stop it now, before you ruin the whole day!" she demanded.
"Here she is!" Liz sang out, re-entering the room, the baby in her arms.
Luke froze in his seat. His legs refused to move. He made a weak attempt to gulp down his panic and become a functioning adult again.
Lorelai, on the other hand, spun around immediately, pasting a smile on her face. "Oh! Let me see!" She rushed across the room and peered into the bundle of blankets Liz held. "Aww, so adorable. Look at all the hair!"
"I know, right?" Liz smiled down at Doula, while swaying gently from side to side. "Here, go ahead and take her," she offered, holding the baby out to Lorelai.
"No, no, no." Lorelai backed away, clasping her arms behind her back. "I'm not really a baby person."
"She didn't mean that," Liz reassured Doula. "Don't be silly, Lorelai. Everyone's a baby person. Who doesn't like babies?"
"I like them OK," Lorelai said. "I just don't – you know – handle them."
"Why not? That's the best part!" Liz tried to hand Doula off to her again, but once again Lorelai dodged away.
"Seriously, I just don't think I'd be very good at it."
"Good at it?" In confusion, Liz halted and stared at Lorelai. "There's nothing to be good at. You just hold 'em, that's all."
Lorelai stopped backing away. "The truth is…I never have."
"You've never what?" Liz asked, puzzled. "Held a baby? You've never held a baby?"
Lorelai shook her head. "I had to watch one, once, but it was asleep and in a carrier. All I had to do was sit beside it and make sure it kept breathing until the mother came back."
Liz appeared flummoxed for one moment longer, but then she started to chuckle. "Well, your baby phobia stops today. Hold out your arms."
"No, Liz, really, no." She cast a terrified, silent plea Luke's way.
Luke tried to get up, to come to her rescue, but the truth was, he was terrified to hold the baby too, but for a completely different reason. He was scared that it would hurt too much. He was fearful that if all of the memories of Doula's big brother would flood through him at once, they'd bring him to his knees.
Liz pulled one of Lorelai's arms out from behind her back, then the other, and placed them so they formed a landing area of sorts. She gently slid Doula from the crook of her arm to Lorelai's. "Just make sure you support her head. That's all there is to it, basically." She took a step back, now in a supervisory role.
Her face a mask of panic, Lorelai stood rooted to the spot, too scared to even breath. Uncomfortable in her rigid arms, Doula squirmed, and instinctively, Lorelai tipped the baby closer to her chest and gentled her hold into something more like a hug. Doula began to snuggle against her, now content.
"Ohhhhhhhhh," Lorelai breathed out, on a long exhale. Her eyes were riveted on the baby, and from some ancient impulse, she began to sway incrementally. "Oh. Oh my. Oh my goodness," she whispered. "She's so soft."
"Yeah, I know," Liz acknowledged, smiling.
"She's soft, and she smells like best perfume ever." Her voice was almost a whisper as she continued to drink in the baby. "She's perfect."
"Yeah, you don't have to convince me," Liz said. "I'm going to go warm a bottle up for her, OK? I'm nursing, but I figured my squeamish brother would appreciate it if she was bottle-fed this afternoon. Have you ever heard his rant about nursing mothers in the diner?"
Lorelai nodded, but Luke wasn't sure she'd even heard Liz.
"You be ready to jump in if she needs help," Liz instructed him, as she left the living room.
Luke nodded too, but he knew he wouldn't be needed. Lorelai had slipped back into the same sort of trance he'd observed in the baby store. Expressions of what might have been love, or maybe longing, were again playing over her beautiful features. Luke watched from the safety of his chair, so completely mesmerized that he wasn't aware of the minutes slipping by. It was a surprise to him when Liz came back in the room.
"Why don't you feed her?" Liz suggested, walking over to Lorelai and Doula.
That snapped Lorelai out of her daze. "Oh, no, I couldn't! I don't know –"
"It's easy," Liz insisted. She guided Lorelai to the couch and helped her to sit down. She scooped up a couple of pillows and made a mound under Lorelai's arm, the one that was bent to support Doula's head. "Just rest your arm here. Keep her head up a little bit, so she doesn't choke. Then, just bring in the bottle…"
Doula eagerly latched on to the bottle. Cute little 'num-num' noises accompanied her famished sucking.
Lorelai gasped. "She's doing it! She's guzzling it down the way I do coffee! How does she know to do that?"
"Babies come prepared. Unfortunately, they also have the habit of spitting up, so just in case…" Liz tucked a cotton cloth over Lorelai's shoulder.
"This is all just the best," Lorelai murmured, lost in wonder. She shifted Doula a little bit in her arms. A beatific glow lit up her face and she turned to gaze at Liz. "She fits," she whispered, sounding as if she'd just discovered a miracle.
Luke cocked his head, not able to follow what she meant, but Liz seemed to understand immediately.
"She absolutely fits," she confirmed to Lorelai.
"I didn't know." Lorelai's voice was choked, and she blinked hard. "I didn't know that was what was missing."
Liz was sitting next to Lorelai on the couch, and she put her hand, gently, on top of Doula's thick head of hair in a loving caress. "She fills up the empty spot, doesn't she?"
"Yes! Yes," Lorelai agreed breathlessly. She shivered, then moved her arms into a more comfortable position, making a tender space for Doula. "I had no idea," she revealed softly. "No idea."
Liz continued to stroke her daughter's hair. "Luke thinks I'm insane for having this baby."
She said it so calmly that the words themselves didn't register to Luke. It was only when Lorelai's head jerked upright and she sent him a worried look that he really heard them.
"Oh, Liz, no, I don't think he–" Lorelai began, trying to defend him.
"Yeah, he does," Liz confirmed, still unperturbed. She only looked at Doula. "He thinks having her is just a way to erase Jess."
Luke finally found his voice. "Liz, no, that's not –"
"You think this is just a whim on my part. You think this is just the next crazy thing I've rushed into. Something else that you'll have to fix someday."
Cold, aching despair filled him. He could barely force words out of his throat through the overwhelming grief. "No. There's no more fixing. I can't fix anything. Don't expect me to do that, Liz! Don't ever ask me to do that again!"
She stood up and turned to face him. "You think it's my fault that Jess is dead."
"Are you kidding? It's my fault!" Somehow he'd gotten to his feet, too. "You were a mess. You sent Jess to me. I was supposed to take care of him! And I…I'm the one who failed! I'm the one –" His voice cracked, preventing him from saying anything else.
"That's not the way it works, Luke." Liz began to walk towards him. "You did everything you could. You provided Jess with a home, and structure, and a path out, if that's what he wanted. It was his decision to walk away from that."
"I should have tried harder. I should have made him stay. I should have insisted –"
"You know that doesn't work. How many times did you try that with me?" Liz walked closer to him while shaking her head. "The time came when only Jess could save himself."
"No, that's not –"
"I tried too, Luke. I was in decent shape by then. I tried everything I could think of. I even found Jimmy, and had him go talk to Jess. I thought that maybe the shock of his father reaching out to him would somehow get through to him."
Luke stared at her in disbelief. "You're kidding. Jimmy Mariano? The guy abandons you and Jess 19 years ago and you thought he'd be some sort of magic ticket?"
"He was willing to try. He wanted to make amends, and I was desperate. It didn't work, though. It just gave Jess one more reason to shoot up."
Luke gulped down as much anguish as he could. "I should have forced him to go to rehab."
Liz touched his arm. "You could have done that, but it wouldn't have worked, not in the long run. You know that. Jess had you, and me, and practically an army of other people that would have been willing to help him. But the fact was he didn't want anybody's help yet." She grasped his arm tighter. "He wasn't ready to take that step."
"I can't accept that," Luke said gruffly, trying to keep himself together.
"You have to." She put her hand against his face and gently forced him to look at her. "Just like you have to accept that I did the right thing by having Doula. I have to show Jess that I can do this. I want him to see that I learned the hard lessons with him. I want him to see that I can be a good mom. I want him to be proud of me as his sister grows up, and she gets to have the childhood he should have had, but didn't."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Luke asked loudly, baffled by her words.
"I like to think that Jess is still around. You know, that maybe he's in a better place, but that he comes back here and checks on us sometimes, too." Her eyes fluttered closed and a serene smile played over her lips. "Do you remember how much he liked to write? All of those years when he was either reading a book or writing in one. He wouldn't go anywhere without a stuffed backpack. Remember?"
Luke cleared his throat. "Yeah. I remember."
She opened her eyes and smiled at him, ignoring the tears that began to spill down her cheeks. "I hope that he's writing a book now. I hope he's found a nice girl and that they sit together while he writes." She tilted her head, considering. "Maybe they have a cat."
"A cat?!" he practically roared. "Liz, you are out of your mind!"
"No, Luke, I've found a way to be happy. I've found a way to go on with my life. I'm going to take care of Doula and T.J. and I'm going to make my jewelry, and I'm going to make Jess proud of me. I want Jess to see that his death changed us for the better." She began to cry harder. "I didn't want him to die. I want him here. But if he had to die, I don't want it to be for nothing. I want Doula to grow up knowing she had the best big brother ever!" She stopped for a moment, choking on her tears. "Or at least, as good of a big brother as the one I had."
Her staunch devotion to him, despite his failure, was what finally broke him down. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face into the top of her head. She hugged him back, fiercely.
"It's not your fault," she whispered to him.
He raised his head enough to swipe at his eyes. "It's not yours, either."
"Ah, now you're getting it," she praised him.
Still embracing his sister, he chanced a glance over at Lorelai. She was rocking Doula in her arms, maybe to keep the baby from sensing the drama going on elsewhere in the room. She leaned her head down to the burp cloth on her shoulder, letting the cotton soak up her own tears.
That was the moment when the kitchen door opened and T.J. walked in. He stopped, observing the tears and rampant emotion in the room.
"Hey, family! Ain't it great?" He crossed the living room to his wife. "You OK, Lizzie?" he asked, with heartfelt concern.
Liz pulled away from Luke, wiping her eyes. "I'm super, hon."
T.J. put a hand on her shoulder, studying her, wanting to confirm that. "OK then!" He turned to Luke and lightly punched his arm. "Good to see you, big guy."
"Hey, T.J.," Luke said, stealthily attempting to sop up his own tears.
T.J. went to the couch next. He tousled Doula's hair before plopping down beside Lorelai. "And who's this?"
"Lorelai," she said, giving him a watered-down version of her usual sparkly smile.
"Lorelai, huh?" He pointed to himself. "I'm T.J. Guess what it stands for!"
She briefly shook her head, as if she was having trouble switching to a suddenly lighthearted conversation. "Uh…Thomas Jefferson?"
"Nope! Try again!"
She looked even less enthused about guessing. "Tijuana Joe."
"Still no! Try again!"
Lorelai fixed him with a look that would have brought other men to their knees. "Toe Jam," she said distinctly.
T.J. hooted with laughter. "Hey, I like this one!" he announced, hooking his thumb at her. "So, Lorelai." He fashioned his fingers into a square and looked through them at her, as if it was a viewfinder. "Has anyone ever told you you'd look dynamite in an Etch-a-Sketch portrait?"
The rest of the visit went so smoothly it might have been scripted.
Liz showed Lorelai how to burp Doula, which horrified Lorelai anew, brought about a loud, satisfying burp from the baby, and snickers from everyone else.
The ice thoroughly broken, they chatted for a while, and Luke saw, for the first time, how well-suited Liz and T.J. were. He saw how content and happy his sister was. He saw, in every glance, every gesture, in every word, how much T.J. loved her. He was forced to admit how wrong he'd been about the whole situation, about everything. He wondered what else he'd been wrong about.
Lorelai was the one who finally reminded him to go get the presents out of the car. He hadn't been looking for an excuse to leave the house.
The new parents were crazy about all of the thoughtful gifts. T.J. insisted on putting the highchair together right away, even though Doula wouldn't be using it for months. To his surprise, Luke managed to work alongside T.J. without the usual urge to throttle him.
Liz suggested they stay for dinner. They ordered in pizza and some calzones from an Italian place just down the street. They sat around the kitchen table, wolfing down the tasty food, as everyone took turns holding the baby.
No longer able to avoid it, Luke found his newborn niece in his arms. The term 'bittersweet' suddenly had more meaning than he ever imagined. His arms remembered the right way to protect her head. His heart remembered it could unlock. He found out that it was still capable of receiving love, as well as giving it out.
Doula regarded him studiously, her bottomless eyes fixated on him.
"Her eyes are blue," he stated. Every single thing about her floored him.
"For right now." Liz got up and came around the table to stand next to him. "See how they're looking a little muddy? They'll probably start turning brown in a day or so."
"You think so?" He was willing to defer to his sister on anything baby-related.
"Yeah, I don't think she's got the Danes' blue ones, not like Jess did."
"Mine are brown," T.J. announced cheerfully, reaching for another piece of pizza.
"Genetics," Lorelai chuckled, munching on her own slice.
It almost felt like the baby was trying to tell him something, to beam some sort of message to him telepathically. As gently as possible, he stroked her cheek with his finger.
"She's wonderful, Liz," he sincerely told his sister. He took a breath, steeling himself to say something he'd normally keep to himself. "She's just what our family needed."
Liz put her arm around his shoulder and bent down to put her head against his. "She's magic, Luke. If you let her, she'll heal your heart."
Under his niece's spell, Luke almost believed that was true.
It was Lorelai who reminded him that it was a long drive back to Stars Hollow, that it was time to leave.
At the door, Luke hugged his sister for a long time. He even let T.J. give him some sort of 'bro hug' without feeling icky about it.
"Lorelai, I love this dress so much!" Liz had barely put the blue velvet dress down since she'd opened the package. "I promise I'll send you a picture of her wearing it at Christmas!"
"Or, you know." Lorelai shrugged mischievously. "Just come visit at Christmas and I can see for myself."
"Or you could come here!" Liz suggested.
"That too," Luke said, surprised at how agreeable he suddenly was. He tried to look sternly at Lorelai, wanting to blame her, but found he could only smile.
"Hey, Lizzie," T.J. cut in. "Did you tell 'em about the auras?"
"Of course I did," Liz said, rolling her eyes.
"Not as good as ours," he said, putting his arm around his wife. "But they're not bad." He grinned knowingly at Luke and Lorelai.
Playing along, Lorelai pointed above their heads. "It's the Aurora Borealis up there, right?"
"You know it, baby!" T.J. chortled.
When the goodbyes were finally over and they were down at the street, Luke saw that Lorelai was shivering. It had started to drizzle about the same time the pizza arrived. The November night felt like winter was imminent.
"Hurry up and get in," Luke urged her.
She turned to him, one hand cradling her forehead. "Would you mind driving, at least at first?"
"Are you all right?" He put a hand on her shoulder, trying to see her face more clearly.
"Just tired. Been a long day." She tried to smile.
"And an emotional one."
"That too."
He reached to take the keys from her hand, then helped her into the car. He settled himself behind the wheel, adjusting the mirrors. "You're sure this is OK, if I drive? It doesn't mess with your car insurance?"
"I don't care if it does. If you get us into a wreck, we'll hop out and change places before the cops show up." She leaned her head back and closed her eyes.
"As long as we have a plan," he said wryly, before starting up the car and turning up the heat. He could see she was still shivering.
Luke had a lot to process. He thought about Liz and all the crazy nonsense his sister had spouted, and then he thought about all the not-so-crazy things she'd said, too. He soaked up the memory of how nice it felt to be with her again, without the guilt and blame trying to crowd between them. He thought about how maybe T.J. wasn't as big of a flake as he'd assumed. Most of all, he thought about Doula, and how soft and warm and alive her little body had felt in his arms.
It wasn't until he saw the sign for the BabiesRUs store that he realized how long they'd been driving and how long Lorelai had been quiet. Alarmed, he looked over at her. "Lorelai?" he said softly, thinking maybe she was asleep.
The bright overhead lights by the exit ramp shone on her face. He saw that her cheeks were wet with tears. Now even more alarmed, he reached a hand over to her, his thumb skimming over her damp cheek. "Hey, what's wrong? What can I do?"
"Nothing," she said, trying to hold back a sob. "Just keep driving, please? Ignore me."
"Tell me what's going on. Are you sick? Headache? What do you need?"
"Please, Luke, just pretend it's OK. Just…" She pointed out the windshield. "Let's just get home."
His mind had been jumping from one scenario to another. "Was it T.J.?" he demanded fiercely. "Did he say something stupid to you? If he did, I swear I'll –"
"No, Luke, of course it wasn't T.J. Come on, you were right there. You heard every single thing he said to me all day."
Luke shook his head, not able to think of anything else that could cause such a strong reaction in her. "What is it then? What's wrong?"
She went silent and resettled her head back against the seat. Anyone else might have assumed she wasn't going to respond, but Luke knew she was merely gathering up her thoughts.
When the words came, they were unexpectedly blunt, with a harsh, bitter edge to them. "So which of you didn't want kids? You or Rachel?"
"Whoa! What?" he demanded, about one mile-marker away from completely blowing his top.
She put up a hand in apology and shook her head. "Sorry. Really sorry. That's not what I meant to say and definitely not the way I meant to say it."
"Try again," he suggested coolly, still on the verge of anger.
Lorelai sat up, groaning. She hunched her shoulders and wiped her face. "I was just thinking that four years of marriage is plenty of time to start a family, unless someone doesn't want to. And I wondered if that was the case. Again, sorry. I know it's none of my business, and you certainly don't have to tell me anything."
Luke paced himself, taking a couple of deep breaths as he watched the road and thought about nothing but traffic.
"Not a kid guy?" Lorelai asked, after several miles had ticked by.
"Not particularly, no." He ran his hand over the steering wheel. "I find that they're normally sticky. Usually it seems like they've got jam on their hands or something. Everything in the diner needs to be wiped down after kids have been in there. How is it possible that they've always got jam hands?"
From the corner of his eye, he could see that Lorelai was watching him, trying to determine if he was serious or not.
"Doula wasn't sticky," she finally pointed out.
"No, Doula wasn't sticky," he agreed. He waited a few beats. "But she will be, someday," he said ominously.
Lorelai nodded and looked out the passenger window. "So, no babies because…they're sticky?"
He nodded in agreement and said nothing else. The miles continued to fly by.
By the time the signs for the next exit appeared, he had prepared himself to talk. "Rachel and I only discussed children from a real estate perspective."
Her head turned swiftly to him. "Real estate? What are you talking about?"
"When we got married, we decided to keep on living above the diner. At the time, we said it would be just until we were ready to start a family. Once that happened, we'd find a house. You know, a real home to raise kids in."
"But that…didn't happen?"
"Nope," he said succinctly.
Lorelai watched him for a minute or two, until she looked horrified and abruptly sucked in a shocked breath. "Oh, Luke! God, I'm sorry. I feel like such a heel now, bringing this up."
Immediately he saw to which conclusion she had jumped. "No, no, that's not what I mean. It's not that we couldn't, I wasn't trying to imply that."
"Then what do you mean?"
"Look. My mom passed away a year after we got married. She left us this beautiful house, my childhood home. Perfect for a family, and it fell into our laps. We had that real home, if we wanted it. Instead, we didn't even discuss moving into it. We sold it, so we could split the proceeds with Liz. Or at least, that's what we told ourselves we needed to do."
Lorelai was struggling to understand. "So we're back to you just not wanting to?"
"I had a great childhood, Lorelai. Picture perfect, practically. I think I knew that if Rachel and I had a child and moved into my old home, it wouldn't be perfect. I didn't want to ruin my memories of that house with my less than perfect marriage. And to bring some poor innocent kid into it…" Luke shook his head. "Nope."
"And Rachel felt the same way?"
Luke paused, trying to be as honest as possible. "I think that Rachel realized a baby would tie her down in Stars Hollow so tight she'd never get out."
"She said that?"
"No, of course not! We talked less and less the longer we were married. I'm just guessing here. We got really good at ignoring every big issue we could. It got to where we were scared to even discuss buying new bathroom towels, for fear that would be the thing that finally made us face reality."
"That's sad, Luke."
"Yeah," he agreed soberly.
"Are you sorry?" she asked quietly, a little bit later.
"About?"
"Not having a kid."
He snorted. "No. That's the one thing we got right."
"Oh," she said, and there was something in the way she uttered the little word that made him feel ashamed, as if he'd hurt her somehow. She cuddled down into her seat again and closed her eyes.
"Are you sure you're all right?" he asked, more worried than ever.
She kept her eyes closed. "Do you remember – months ago, now – you asked me why I married Christopher?"
"Yeah."
"It wasn't until I held Doula today that it hit me. I think…I think I married him because I was sort of hoping we'd have a baby."
The air went out of Luke and once again, he stared straight down the lane of the highway. "I don't know what to say to that."
Lorelai gave dry chuckle. "Yeah, me neither."
He quickly glanced over at her. "You guys wanted kids?"
She chuckled again, still without humor. "Us? You mean the couple sitting behind you and Rachel in the no-communication bus?"
"Didn't realize it was such an epidemic."
"Definitely, it is." She sighed. "For a long time now – years, I guess – I've had this weird feeling. This craving. This – desire, to have something in my arms. Like…" She folded her arms together in front of her and hugged them to her chest as an illustration. "I had no clue what was going on. It was like some strange itch, or compulsion, or something. But I was busy, you know? I could ignore it, for the most part. But today, I held Doula…" She faded off, swallowing hard and closing her eyes again. "She fit, Luke. She fit in my arms. She fit, and that…itchy feeling just disappeared. My arms knew what they needed in them, and I didn't." She rubbed her hands anxiously over her arms. "Now I'm wondering if that's why I wanted to get married, at least subconsciously. I mean, Chris had one kid. Maybe he'd get me pregnant, too."
"Uh…" Luke floundered. The idea of her wanting to make babies with the unknown Christopher made his stomach hurt. Luckily, she didn't wait for a reply from him, but quickly continued with her thoughts.
"I've been thinking a lot about that other Lorelai. Lorelai and her Rory, who was apparently the most important person in the world to her. She was hysterically trying to find Rory hours before she started searching for you. I think that shows where her priorities were, don't you?"
"I guess so," he was forced to agree, taking a slight hit to his ego. He'd never considered that fact before.
"I keep thinking about how maybe I was pregnant at 15, too, the same as her, but my Rory didn't happen. Maybe that was it, Luke. Maybe that was my only chance to have a baby, to be a mom, but it didn't happen in this universe. Now I'm old and I'm never going to have a baby to fill up my arms."
"You're not old," he scoffed, zeroing in on the only part of her statement he felt qualified to dispute.
She turned to look at him. "The medical field thinks so. Even if I somehow convinced you to be my baby daddy, and we went home and got busy tonight, and I woke up pregnant tomorrow, the doctors would still classify it as a 'geriatric pregnancy.'"
"Get out."
"No, it's true. That's what they call it if the mom's over 35."
"That's crazy. Plus, look at my own sister. She just had a baby, didn't she?"
"I'm not saying you can't get pregnant over 35, but there are risks. A lot more. My eggs are old. Ready to expire. Maybe I can't even get pregnant now." She sighed. "Let's face it, I missed my chance."
"I think you're jumping to all sorts of conclusions here." Luke checked the sideview mirror before pulling out to pass a slower car in front of them. "This whole baby thing just popped up today, right? Which makes sense, because of Doula and everything. Get back to your normal life, and then see how you feel. I think you're putting too much emphasis on one extremely emotional day."
"I'm not emotional!" Lorelai said sharply.
"I'm not saying you are! I'm just pointing out that the events of the day may have influenced you."
"I've had these feelings, these yearnings, for a long time now, but the pieces didn't fall into place until today. That's the only thing that happened today. I finally figured out what I've been missing."
Luke didn't try to argue with her anymore. She felt how she felt, and he wasn't going to able to change those feelings, no matter what he said. He realized that his own were a little unsettled now, too. Not only because it sounded like Lorelai was contemplating going down a path he wasn't particularly keen to follow, but because she'd brought up their doppelgangers from that other world. Anytime that happened, it left his emotions torn and twisted.
A few more miles down the highway, Lorelai quietly asked, "How old is Liz?"
"She was born in '66."
"'68 for me."
"See? Not so old."
Lorelai worried her lips for a minute. "Apparently, she had Jess pretty young, didn't she?"
"Oh, yeah," Luke said tiredly. "Believe me, I could tell you all sorts of stories about those years."
"Is it OK if we sidetrack those until another time? I'm interested, but I don't think I can handle them tonight."
"Of course. It's not anything I'm anxious to talk about."
She shifted into a few minutes of contemplation before releasing another deep sigh. "Here's my other dilemma. I'm already in labor with the Dragonfly. It's my baby for the foreseeable future. Even if I got pregnant with our imaginary baby tonight, how could I possibly manage it? My hands are full with the Dragonfly. I don't have time to take care of a real baby right now! Which means it'll be years before I can even think about having a kid! Which means I'll be even older and facing a pregnancy with more red flags. I need to get real. I'm never going to be a mom. A baby is off the table for me. I'll never know what it's like to have my own Rory."
"Hey, calm down," Luke cautioned, hating to see her so distraught. "If these things are supposed to happen, they will."
She turned on him in a flash. "Can you be more condescending?" She flounced angrily in her seat. "I have girlfriends around my age, I know women at work, all who are desperately trying to get pregnant. It doesn't always 'just happen,' Luke. Even with medical advances and a ton of money to throw at the problem, it doesn't always work out. Sometimes there's only failure." She took a sharp breath. "Heartbreak, but no baby."
"Whoa – that's not what I meant!" He reached over to turn down the heat, because the temperature inside the car had shot up to 11. "What I'm saying is that you're the most determined woman I've ever met, and if this is something you want, you'll make it happen. I have faith that you'll figure it out, that's my message."
She caught her breath. "Oh. Then – OK. Never mind."
They rode on in silence for a spell, until Luke heard a quiet sniffle. Glancing over, he saw that she was crying again.
"Aww, Lorelai." He reached over to rub her shoulder. "Please don't."
"Sorry." She pulled her purse into her lap and searched for a tissue. "I can't help it though. I know it's crazy, but here I am, desperately missing someone I'll never know."
Her poignant comment made tears tickle his own throat. "Look," he said hoarsely, "there's food at the next exit. Let's take a break and get you some coffee and something to eat. How's that sound?"
"Good," she said without enthusiasm, and wiped the tears from her face.
Luke pulled into the driveway of Lorelai's rental house and stopped the car. The place had a garage, but it was filled with the belongings of the family who actually lived there, so Lorelai parked in the drive.
He walked around the car and opened her door. He squatted down to wake her up. She'd been asleep since they'd returned from their coffee break. At least sleep had stopped the tears.
"Hey, Lorelai, you're home," he said softly, gently rubbing her arm.
Her eyes opened slowly and she frowned, trying to understand what was going on. She turned her head and saw her house. "Oh, man." She rubbed her eyes, trying to wake up. "Sorry. I really didn't mean to make you drive all the way home."
"Not a problem. Just makes up for my nap this morning."
"Yeah, I guess we're even now." She let him pull her up and help her out of the car.
He kept an arm about her shoulders, helping her navigate to the front door. Instead of protesting, she huddled against him, seeking warmth from the cold air. Since he had the keys, he unlocked the door before handing them over.
She reached inside and flicked on the lights. "Wanna come in?" she offered.
"Nah. It's late. We're both dead."
Her answering smile had a slightly naughty tilt to it, and he wondered if she was thinking about her throwaway bombshell from the drive home, when she'd suggested he be her baby daddy. "You're probably right," she agreed, surprisingly acquiescent.
"Thanks for being my backup today. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you there."
"You would have been fine, but I'm glad I got to go along. It was fun meeting Liz. I'm not sure what meeting T.J. was."
"Yeah," Luke chuckled in understanding.
"And of course, getting to see Doula was beyond special. I'll never forget that."
"Me neither." He smiled briefly at her, and considered, even more briefly, about hugging her. Instead he stepped backwards, closer to the porch stairs. "See you in the diner tomorrow?"
"Seriously? You still have to ask that?"
He smiled again, nodded, and began to leave.
"Luke! Hey, wait a minute?"
He turned back. "Yeah? What?"
She glanced at the door. "Sure you don't want to come in?"
"Not tonight. What is it?"
"Just something I've been wanting to say, and tonight seems a good time to say it." She took a step towards him, hugging her arms across her chest for warmth. "On our infamous double date night, you told me I was your friend, and I went ballistic about it."
"Yeah…?" he asked nervously.
"It's just that I get it now. I really get it. I've never had a friend like you. You let me talk all I want to, about anything. Sometimes you give me pretty good advice, but mostly you just let me talk. You listen to me. I mean, you really listen to me. Do you know how rare that is?"
"Maybe it's because I just don't have anything to say."
She smiled affectionately at him. "I've heard the rants, Butch. I know that's not true."
He glared at her for using his high school nickname. "I'm going to regret letting you and Liz talk in the k-i-t-c-h-e-n, aren't I?"
"Oh yeah. Forever."
"Great," he sighed.
"Anyway…" She came closer and put her hands on his arm. "You are an awesome friend, Luke, and I will be forever grateful that I get to have you in my life." She went up on tip-toe and placed the most platonic kiss he'd ever received on his cheek. "Thank you about a thousand times for always being there for me."
"You're welcome," he mumbled automatically. He was more than a little stunned at the turn this night seemed to be taking.
She patted his arm one more time and then stepped away. "See you tomorrow."
"Yeah. See you." He walked mechanically down the steps and towards the sidewalk.
"Luke!" She rushed to the porch railing. "Do you want the car? I hate for you to have to walk to the diner in the dark."
"Not a problem," he insisted, and kept walking.
"Night!" she called.
He didn't feel like saying anything back, so instead put up his arm in a half-hearted wave.
By the time he'd trudged to the diner's door, he completely understood why she'd been so upset when he'd categorized her as a 'friend.'
"Aurora Borealis my ass," he grumbled, and stepped inside the darkened diner.
Author's Chat: So this chapter is finally done! What'd you think? (Seriously, what did you think? Tell me, guys! I need to hear from you! Give me a reason to keep going!)
Also, a big thank you to a guest reviewer on "The Night I Found Your Father." Your words were so lovely and just exactly what I needed to hear! Thanks for the perfect timing – I owe you!