A/N: Just kill me. If you've managed to stick around for me to update this, congratulations and thank you. I'm basically just trudging through it at this point. I've been working on this story for almost 2 years and I really am just done with the whole thing. But I won't let myself not finish it, so I keep writing. Here goes.

THE EXPENSE OF SPIRIT

Chapter 9:

Tired, For Restful Death I Cry

Spock knew what had to be done. All night he had meditated – the answer had not changed. Spock knew not sleeping tonight was unwise, it had been too long already, but he could not relax, not when the problem remained unsolved. Now with the sunrise came his resolution.

Spock had always been fascinated with Humans' glorification of the sunrise, but had never understood it himself. "Why celebrate that which has always occurred and always will?" was his argument. "It is not as though the sun has never risen before." But now as the first of Vulcan's suns prepared to rise, Spock felt the heaviness of his trials leave him and he knew what he must do.

He must be honest.

He must first terminate his relationship with Nyota. Acting as though he loved her when – compared with Jim – he felt nothing was the height of both dishonesty and disrespect. And when Jim asked why they had ended their relationship, as Human friends were wont to do, Spock would be unable to lie. He must confess his deepest secret to the one person he had sworn would never hear it. To do otherwise would be dishonest and illogical.

But there would be time for no such things today.

For the last week, Doctor McCoy had been overseeing the outfit of a new Vulcan hospital, along with what of the Enterprise crew he could muster. Never mind that they had just spent a week re-building the outpost on Delta Vega, Kirk wanted them all to assist the good doctor in his work. Spock was at once grateful and disappointed by this prospect: work would be a welcome distraction, but he did not want to procrastinate speaking with Nyota.

The day was a long one. Nyota spent the majority of her time, not overseeing the instillation of any communication systems as she had anticipated, but supervising the final touches on the ultrasound facilities in the pre/neo-natal care unit. She was surprised to see that such a facility existed in a Vulcan medical center, knowing that Spock had been born in his parents' home. During their lunch recess, she brought this up to the head midwife with whom she had been working closely.

"I trust you will forgive any rudeness on my part, "she said in formal Vulcan, "but I am curious about these facilities."

"Curiosity is never rude," said the midwife, "for any disrespect would be unintentional. What are your questions?"

"I was under the impression that Vulcan culture favors home birth. These are quite extensive facilities for such a society."

The midwife nodded. "Home births are the tradition in our culture, but there will always be situations where further aid is necessary, or there is danger to the mother or the child. In such a situation, a hospital birth would be the safest, most logical option."

Nyota nodded, feeling foolish. Perhaps the midwife sensed her embarrassment, because she added, "Such a thing is rare, however. Many young Vulcans are unaware of the existence of these facilities as well."

Nyota smiled to herself. The midwife, of course, didn't react.

It was a cruel twist of fate, Nyota thought later, that she'd been asked to work in the neonatal care center. It felt as though the cosmos were mocking her with a life she knew now she could probably never have.

She had only seen Spock once since they'd arrived on New Vulcan. Because he was staying on-planet and she on the ship, the only chance she had to see him was during the day at the hospital. But she was working in the complete opposite end of the building from him. Although it had only been a few days since they'd spoken, it felt like a lifetime. She'd never realized how accustomed she was to his presence. Spock had always made an effort to spend time with her in the evenings after their day shift on the bridge. But everything had changed since Sirius III. First her failed seduction attempt (she rolled her eyes at the memory), then Kirk's ridiculously monopolizing injury…. Nyota sighed. Spock and Kirk had been even more joined-at-the-hip than usual, and Nyota had been trying to not let it bother her.

It wasn't working.

Being assigned to a different, albeit fascinating, area of the hospital was driving Nyota crazy. It wasn't that she felt overly possessive of Spock, but all the uncertainty of the last week was beginning to wear on her nerves. She had always known exactly where she stood with Spock, but now she had no clue. Did he love her? She once was so sure. She had always felt that passion was important in a relationship, the gateway to deeper levels of trust and intimacy. Spock had never displayed passion of any sort towards her. She had never been able to penetrate his defenses. But Kirk did, her subconscious reminded her viciously.

A tap on the shoulder startled her out of her thoughts.

"Lieutenant, we are done working for the day," a young midwife said.

"Oh," said Nyota distractedly. "Thank you." She hurried towards the main wing of the hospital, hoping to catch Spock before he disappeared back to the ambassador's residence. But he wasn't there. Disappointed, she retreated to a deserted area and paged Scotty in the Enterprise transporter room.

"Scotty, one to beam up."

But it was not Scotty who answered.

"Stand by to beam up, Lieutenant," said Spock's voice from the communicator in her hand. Nyota felt her stomach drop as New Vulcan disappeared around her, a reaction that had nothing to do with the transportation and everything to do with the man waiting for her in the transporter room. When she materialized, Spock was watching her.

"Hi," she said after a moment's pause.

"Good evening, Uhura," Spock said quietly. The use of her surname was not lost on Nyota. "I wonder if I may speak with you."

"Of course, Spock, " Nyota said, perplexed by his formality. "Do you want to talk here? Or we can go somewhere more private... My room?"

"Yes," said Spock, "somewhere more private would be ideal."

They walked in silence to Nyota's room, each lost in their own thoughts: Nyota trying not to worry or be too paranoid, Spock struggling to find the courage to be completely honest with her. He didn't want to hurt Nyota, but he also knew it would be best if she knew the whole truth. He hoped she would understand that none of this madness was her fault. When they reached her room she turned to face him without sitting down.

"What's wrong, Spock?"

Spock hesitated, unprepared for such a direct question.

"I know something's been bothering you," Nyota said. "Just tell me what it is." Her stare was concerned but demanding, and Spock knew instantly that she would see through any attempt he made to soften the truth.

How had his most protected secret come to be spilt twice in less than a day? he wondered.

Nyota's eyes narrowed. On a hunch, she demanded, "Is it to do with Kirk?" Spock nodded, his cheekbones flushed a delicate green. With a sickening sense of foreboding, Nyota asked, "What is it, Spock?" She was unable to keep the apprehension from her voice.

"Jim and I—" Spock hesitated for a fraction of a second "—have had sexual intercourse."

Whatever Nyota had been expecting, this was certainly not it. She stumbled backwards in shock. Spock saw her knees start to buckle and hurried to place a chair behind her before she collapsed. Nyota plopped into the chair with a huff and stared at the floor.

"When?" she asked after a minute of silence.

Spock closed his eyes, hating the emotions spilling through his katra, knowing Nyota hated them even more.

With a morbid sense of déjà vu, Spock answered, "The first night we spent on Starbase 11."

Uhura stared at him, her eyes hurt and angry. "Well that explains a lot."

Spock knew she was thinking about the night she had tried to seduce him, the night after he had slept with Kirk.

"I am sorry," he said, somewhat lamely. "It was never my intention to hurt you."

"If I had a credit for each time you've said that to me in the last two weeks…" Nyota said.

Spock was familiar with the idiom. "I know," he said. "I did not expect—"

"I mean, I knew there was something going on with you two," Nyota interrupted, "but this, this is so much worse." She looked up at Spock suddenly. "Do you love him?"

"Yes," said Spock. "I love him." Deciding he may as well tell the whole truth now, he added, "I have for some months now."

"Spock," Nyota said, a new edge creeping into her voice, "Why haven't you told me?"

"It did not matter," Spock said simply. "I was certain Jim did not return my feelings, so voicing them would have been pointless."

"You were certain," Nyota said. "Are you not anymore?"

"I am less so," Spock admitted.

"Spock, he was completely wasted that night. How can you be sure…" she trailed off, not wanting to hurt Spock's feelings.

"I am not sure of anything where Jim is concerned," Spock said. "I understand he was intoxicated that night, but whether or not the incident had any emotional significance for him is beside the point. I know only my own feelings and I must respect them."

Uhura chose not to question his change of mind. She was silent for several moments, reluctant to voice her thoughts.

"What does this mean for us, then?" she asked finally.

"I can no longer be in a romantic relationship with you, Nyota," said Spock, "even one that is on a temporary hiatus. To remain in such a relationship when I do not love you would be dishonest to both of us."

"Ouch," Nyota said quietly. Spock said nothing. For several long minutes they sat in silence. Then Uhura said, "I can't blame you, Spock. Kirk is a very attractive man, and not even you can help who you fall in love with."

"Thank you, Uhura," Spock said. Surname again, she noticed.

"Good night, Spock," she said, dismissing him.

Spock left the room silently, and Uhura finally let the tears in her eyes fall.

Mr. Scott had returned to the transporter room by the time Spock arrived.

"If you could beam me down to the ambassador's home, Mr. Scott," Spock requested.

"Sure thing, Mr. Spock," Scotty said, energizing the transporter.

The warm night air on the planet's surface was comforting as Spock made his way back to his room in the ambassador's house. He stopped outside the door to Jim's guest bedroom. The Human was already asleep, tired after the day's work. Spock hovered, trying to decide if he should enter or not. His mind was in turmoil, wanting Kirk but fearing rejection, fighting against the instinct of self-preservation. He curled his hands into fists, trying to focus his thoughts. He blinked and his eyelids felt like sandpaper. Swallowing a growl, he turned away from Kirk's door.

He had come so far, he was at last free to love Jim without guilt or fear of discovery, but it would all be for nothing if Jim did not return the feelings. Spock contemplated this as he sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the wall that separated his room from Jim's. It was a question Spock was almost too afraid to learn the answer to: would Jim accept him?

Spock pressed the heels of his hands against his feverish eyes. There was only one way to stop the anguish.

Ask the question.

Spock sank to his knees, pulling at his last reserves of energy to close his mind and eliminate all thought. Just one moment of peace…

There was a knock at the door. A soft knock, as though whoever it was knew Spock was awake and didn't need to knock very loudly. He stood up, straightening his shirt and smoothing his expression before he opened the door.

The ambassador stood before him, dressed as ever in his simple, traditional black robes.

"Good evening, Spock," he said. Spock merely nodded, dropping his exhausting pretense and standing back to allow the ambassador into his room. "Forgive me for intruding, but I felt it was urgent to observe your progress. I know how much this problem has strained your mind. I do not wish you to be in pain longer than is necessary."

Spock couldn't help wondering if the real reason the ambassador was to satisfy his own selfish, emotional investment in his and Jim's future together. This was probably partly true, but he could not fault the old Vulcan for such feelings. He would be interested too, were their situations reversed. But still he said nothing.

"Have you spoken with Uhura?" the ambassador pressed.

"Yes," Spock answered. "I returned not five minutes ago." When the ambassador didn't comment, he continued, "I told her the truth about my feelings for Jim, and my feelings for her."

"Or lack thereof," the ambassador said.

"Yes," said Spock. "She was, of course, unhappy, but said she understood."

The ambassador nodded. "What will you do now?"

Spock's gaze slid over to rest again on the wall he shared with Jim's room. He didn't need to answer the old Vulcan's question, his hesitation was written across his face.

"You must speak with him. Only when he knows the truth will you be free of this torment," the ambassador said.

Spock couldn't answer.

"I understand you feel fear," the ambassador said. "Tradition dictates I tell you such feeling is illogical, but you and I both know that is not true in this case. If there were words I could say to ease your fear I would say them, but there are no words. There is only action now. I understand your fear but you must act in spite of that fear."

Spock looked back up at the ambassador, amazed at the fervor in the old Vulcan's voice. "Should I go to him now?"

"I think you should," the ambassador said. "Fear will only grow if you let it stagnate."

Spock moved towards the door as if in a dream. Was he really about to go in to Jim and tell him he loved him? The ambassador followed him out and walked with him to Jim's bedroom door.

"Do not worry, Spock," the old Vulcan said, "I do not think this will take a turn for the worse."

Spock looked at him, one hand on the doorknob. The old Vulcan gave an almost-smile and turned away, heading down the hall in a quiet swish of robes.

As softly as he could, Spock turned the doorknob and let himself into Jim's bedroom.

End Chapter Nine

Well, you should count yourselves lucky, dear readers. This chapter ended up being 1k longer than planned (which still is only 2.5k but whatevs). Hope you enjoyed it. Sexytimez a-comin'!