Warning: this chapter contains a questionable amount of crappy. People with fully functioning brains are strongly advised not to stare directly at this chapter for extended periods of time. Side effects include discomfort, dissatisfaction, uncontrollable and severe depression, retardation, cancer (who knows where), and murderous intent.

With that said, enjoy.

Welcome to the Smash Variety Program, SVP, only available here! Not over there! Not up there! Right here!

On this lovely new show, we show you funny Smash skits so you can benefit from laughing at them. Laughter's good for you, so we're a non-profit organization. But if you don't laugh, we'll break your legs, take all your money, and, if applicable, eat all your children.

Sorry! That's business for you! While we get a setup and a host or two, here's some skits to get you started.

Skit 0: Soaring Pain

Fox, Roy, Falcon, and Ness are watching television and eating chips out of a huge bag which is passed at random intervals.

TV: Welcome back to "Nintendo Warrior".

Ness: There's something so engaging about watching "celebrities" test their "strength" in something like this.

Falcon: We could do that easy. Well, I could.

TV: So far, only one person has managed to make it past the 1st stage: Princess Daisy, with an impressive 16 seconds on the clock. Everyone else has fallen victim to the near-impossible challenges presented.

Fox: I should sign up. I mean, if Daisy can do it...come on.

Roy: (eats a handful of chips)

Falcon: I mean, really, I'm solid as a rock. Punch me in my chest. Go ahead.

Fox: I'll gladly do it.

Fox punched Falcon in his chest as hard as he could. Falcon found himself crouching.

Falcon: What the? (stands) That's not supposed to happen.

Roy: Catch. (tosses bag at Falcon)

Falcon was hit in the head and jumped back a few feet.

Falcon: This is freaky.

Fox: Well, I think I know where these physics came from.

Roy: (jumps 6 feet into the air) This can only be good.

Over the next couple of minutes, the entire population of the mansion began to make use of these newfound physics.

Luigi: (on the roof) Death to velocity! (jumps off, slowly falls to the ground)

Marth: (with Link, against his bedroom wall) Watch this. (takes out sword, slashes through the wall)

Nana: (in bed, gets slashed by a sword through a wall, lands on her back) What the slash?

Jigglypuff: (above the living room, repeatedly punching air) I can fly! For real!

Falco: (repeatedly shooting Pikachu) Are you sure this will work?

Pikachu: Without a doubt! Just a few more!

Fox: This'll be interesting.

Pikachu: Okay, stop. Fox, do your worst!

Fox: Um, you asked for it. So... (walks up to Pikachu, does a backflip with one leg extended, knocks Pikachu straight up at an insane speed)

Pikachu: (breaks through the ceiling, voice becoming fainter and fainter) Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Fox: An hour.

Falco: I'm gonna go with half an hour.

(doorbell)

Falcon: (running to the door) I got it. (opens the door)

Mailman: Hi, Mr. Falcon. I have your mai-

Falcon: Falcon...

Mailman: What are you-

Falcon: PAUUUUUUUUNCH! (you know what happened)

Mailman: (30 feet away, on the floor, laughing) Ow!

Zelda: That was just mean.

Falcon: What was that, Zelda? You want a Falcon Punch too?

Zelda: ...(walks away)

Well then, looks like we have a setup. And a host. And a co-host. Here it is.

Yoshi: (sitting on a stool in front of a red curtain) Apparently I'm the host.

Samus: (also sitting on a stool in front of said curtain) And I'm the...wait, are you sure?

Yoshi: No.

Samus: Screw it. Host away.

Yoshi: Our next skit is what happens when people...uh...what exactly is the next skit?

Samus: (shrugs)

Yoshi: What's our next skit?

(shrugs)

Yoshi: Fine, just check this out, then.

(insert unbearably long silence here)

Yoshi: Awesome.

Samus: I could be wrong...no, scratch that, you could be an idiot, but isn't the curtain supposed to open when a real skit is on?

Yoshi: Is it really?

What do I look like, the producer?

Yoshi: You don't look like anything. You're a voice. A very unhelpful voice.

Samus: Okay, I'll BS this one. What happens when three completely different people have to cooperate to take out the trash? Find out.

The curtain begins to open.

Yoshi: How'd you do that?

Samus: Magic. Shut up.

Skit 1: Taking Out The Trash

Zelda: You 3 have to take out the trash.

Mr. Game & Watch: Why us?

Zelda: Everyone else is fighting. And if you don't, Master Hand will...do...something.

Jigglypuff: But-

Zelda: No excuses.

Ness: ...It's just-

Zelda: Do it.

Mr. GW: You do it.

Zelda: I did it yesterday. Bye. (teleports out of the room)

Pichu: Great. (staring at the incredibly large garbage bag) How? Any ideas?

Ness: Let's burn it.

Mr. GW: Right here?

Ness: (about to use PK Fire) Right now.

Pichu: No, we'll get in trouble!

Ness: Fine. What do you suggest we do?

Pichu: Drag it?

Mr. GW: But if we do that, all that guk will get on the floor. A nice streak, all the way to the door.

Pichu/Ness: (look at Mr. GW)

Mr. GW: ...Oh, me? Hire a nice strong stranger to do it for us.

Ness: Okay, but that's your money.

(after a couple of minutes)

Stranger: Youse guys wants me to takes out your garbage? Cause you're too weak?

All 3: (nod)

Stranger: It is a big bag. Why didn't youse guyses just use separate bags?

Ness: Beats the hell out of us!

Stranger: I'll need another guy.

(after several minutes)

Stranger 2: It's gon' cost y'all.

Mr. GW: (sighs) What?

Stranger: 300.

Stranger 2: And 2 other things we want. We choose.

Pichu: Suddenly, this seems wrong.

Mr. GW: Fine. Just do it.

(after several minutes)

Mr. GW: (paying the Stranger ) Here. Thanks.

Stranger 2: I got one of Mario's hats, and this spotted egg. Should be delicious.

Samus: That was the crappiest thing I've ever seen. How was that entertaining? What was the point?

Yoshi: I think they wanted to make this look better by comparison. Enjoy.

Skit 2: Jackass Style

Mario: It's-a me, Mario! And this... (holding a meatball) is the Spicy Meatball. (sets meatball on fire, chucks it at Bowser)

Bowser: Hey! (gets hit with another one) I'll (beep) kick your (beep) ass! (gets hit in the eye with another one, roaring in pain)

Mario Bros.: (laughing)

Falcon is using the bathroom, doing a number 2. All is well. Until the door gets kicked in.

Falcon: (screams like a girl)

Luigi: (runs in and dropkicks Falcon off the toilet)

Falcon: Luigi, you asshole!

Luigi: (runs out of the room)

Samus: Yeah, I'm going. (walking away) Have fun.

Yoshi: Can I go too?

Yes.

Yoshi: Really?

Yes. You'll probably die though.

Yoshi: ...Really?

Stay in the (beep)ing seat.

...Sorry.