It took me two hours to get off that floor. The fear and indignation eating away at me, did I deserve to be sent off? Did I deserve to be hated in the first place? Could I even trust myself to make a fair judgement?
Everything was running through my head over and over, I was assessing how people perceived me, Emmett had said that Edward was too much of a prude to see the real me, the person inside. Was he assessing me wrong?
When I really thought about it – Edward had seen the person inside, and like me, he didn't see the good side, and most definitely didn't like it. Was he assessing me wrong?
Carlisle was like a father to me already, teaching me everything I needed to know – everything I wanted to know and told me why everything did what it did. Was he wrong about me too? He wanted to send me away and Esme had fought with him; over keeping someone like me around. Was he assessing me wrong?
That bought me to Esme's reaction, she was so motherly – it was truly like I was one of her cubs and she was protecting me. She'd cared for me from the second I'd got here; from ironing my clean clothes to fighting for me with the most precious being in the world to her. Was she wrong in assessing me?
Rosalie had just snarled at me like a beast, like I was some peeping Tom into her private life. I truly loved her voice and her face – it was serene and full of beauty. But seeing me had turned her from the siren into a gargoyle that no one would go near without a death wish. What she assessing me wrong?
Alice...oh Alice, she was sweet, and she felt to me like my only friend – so excited about my arrival and not thrown off by my aggressive behaviour at first. She cuddled me and told me everything was going to be alright like we'd known each other for weeks, months, years even; and in reality I hardly knew her. But it didn't matter. Was she assessing me wrong?
Finally there was Jasper; he'd defended me in front of Rosalie, commenting on how much she'd frightened me. Though he seemed to be wary of me, he seemed to care about me in level's I'd not known strangers could have. He understood the dangers of me, he knew what could happen but he still kept faith in me. Was he assessing me wrong?
My mind was spinning as I placed my tired body on the day bed, the springs creaked a little and the little noise was welcomed in the silence, suddenly all I wanted was sound – I wanted to feel that things were alive around me. So I climbed up on my bed and opened the window, the fresh air was so nice I almost fell off the windowsill to the floor.
I bought my one leg up to my chest and angled it out of the window so it rested on the sloping roof just outside my view. I then got my second leg and hugged it to me, resting my head on my knee and letting the wind wash over my legs and face. It blew my hair which was screaming to be released.
I grabbed the band in my hair and let it fall down my shoulders, it still shocked me that I didn't really have to do anything to my hair anymore – it was always perfect; one more thing making you less human then. I sighed and ran my fingers through the light curls and then let the wind sort the rest.
The wind soothed me, it was like I couldn't live without nature, the birds singing, the trees rustling and the running water of the river just sent waves of reassurance through me.
The scents always overwhelmed me as well; the luscious scent of the flowers – to me – was like a blind man seeing for the first time. It was much the same with the sweet tang of the pine in the air, mowed grass being blown right through my senses and relaxing me. But by far the best was when I could smell the river; it cleaned everything out, it smelled – if it's possible – innocent to me. It was also the end of the cycle I could smell; then it would start again and so would the calming.
There will never be anything better than nature, shame I can never be part of it...
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