They had been able to salvage most of the blanket. Pam had shed her wet top and slipped on a cardigan. Jim had looked discretely away when she changed. It had made her smile. As the sun slowly set behind the hillside they ate and talked and laughed. Hours went by and the dark started to encircle them. They cleared away most of the leftovers and settled with a plate of grapes between them. Pam looked over at Jim and then up at the night sky emerging above them.

- It's beautiful isn't it?

Pam loved the night sky, loved how it seemed closer out here, away from the streetlights. She had spent too many lonely nights looking up at the sky. She used to sketch it. Roy had asked her why she bothered with the stars. To him, the idea of the endlessness of the universe created questions he had no interest in exploring. What's the point Pammy? It's only the sky.

- Yeah.

They both lay in silence for a while; nothing but clear sky over their heads.

- So who's your favourite Pam?

- Who is my what?

- Do you have a favourite star?

- Hehe….no I don't think so. Should I?

- I'm disappointed; of course you have to have a favourite. Everyone has a favourite. Seriously Pam…

- Hehehe….okay weirdo.

- Hey….didn't you learn your lesson the first time?

- Hehe….okay….sorry smarty pants.

- Hehe….seriously Beesly, what's with you and all the nicknames?

- Just trying them on. See if I can't find one that fits.

They didn't say anything for a while. Jim just took her hand and squeezed it lightly. His hand was warm against hers. Her hands were constantly cold.

- All of them.

- What?

- All of them Jim. They are all my favourites.

- Oh…..that's…..cool.

- I heard something about stars once, something I really liked.

- Let's hear it.

- That stars are just cracks in the floor of heaven. The sparkle is the light of heaven.

- That's either the cheesiest thing or the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

- Hehe….come on Halpert. Don't be a cynic, it doesn't suit you.

- Hehe…it doesn't huh?

- No, definitely not

- Okey, the most beautiful thing then.

They fell into another quiet moment. Jim's thumb was gently caressing the palm of her hand. Pam thought about life happening under those stars. They had seen so much. Was anyone up there looking out for them? It felt like they had surpassed a million obstacles to be here, and still they really weren't anywhere. Not yet. She thought about the night she learned of his departure. It had been a beautiful spring night. The sky had been clear, like tonight.

A brief mail.

She had called in sick the Monday after the Casino thing; and then spent the day walking aimlessly around the apartment thinking about ways to smooth things over. Her feelings, the ones she tried to ignore, made it almost impossible. It was already late in the evening when she checked her e-mail.

One message from .

It was the first time she experienced how the pounding of her own heart could actually hurt. A million pictures snapped before her eyes. Jim at the Poker table, Jim leaning against her desk, his hands wrapping around the jelly beans, the way he studied the wending machine before selecting a bag of tortilla chips, the way his back slouched in his chair when he was bored, the pain in his eyes when she turned him down. Her hand was shaking so much she had trouble navigating the arrow over the link that read OPEN.

Pam

Thank you for being honest.

Jim
Ps: I've left the office. I'll transfer to Stamford immediately.

***********************

It took her by complete surprise. It surprised her even more than his confession. It felt like a powerful punch in the stomach. Her first instinct had been to take the car and drive to his house. Her driving had been insane. She was still grateful she hadn't injured anyone that night. Only seconds away from his driveway, and with his car in sight, she had turned around and driven to the same lake, and broken down sobbing for hours. The pain had felt unbearable. She felt her throat thickening at the unhappy memory and she swallowed. It was almost disturbing how emotional she had become over the last week. Somehow Jim's return had opened a vault of feelings. Feelings she had kept under control for a very long time. Every ounce of love and affection she had ever felt for him surrounded her; but with all those happy feelings came undercurrents of something darker and more painful; feelings of regret, sadness and anger. Her mouth opened and spoke before she knew what to say.

- Why did you leave like that?

She could feel him flinching next to her. His thumb stopped abruptly. He slowly let go of her hand and sat up. He had his back toward her and her clear view of the sky was obstructed. She wanted to sit up next to him, but her body felt heavy.

- I…..

His voice escaped into the buzzing of night. He ran his hand through his short hair looking almost surprised at how soon it let go. She turned her head away from him looking at the high grass bending softly in the night breeze. Too many emotions welled up in her chest and she had to sit up not to be suffocated by them.

- Jim…I'm not trying to accuse you of anything. I just, I don't know….need to understand I guess. You left so suddenly, and I suppose I've never truly understood why.

He didn't move and his head was slightly bowed. He cleared his throat before he spoke.

- I understand how it might have seemed sudden to you Pam, but for me it was….I just…..Something that had been a long time coming.

- What do you mean?

- I couldn't stay anymore because…it became too damn hard Pam.

He turned and looked into her eyes. The sadness in his eyes mirrored the sadness she felt inside. There wasn't much space that separated them and she wanted to reach over and hold him and wish all the sadness of the past away with a kiss, but she knew she couldn't. They couldn't just kiss their way out of this.

- How long had you been thinking about leaving Jim?

- A few months maybe.

- A few months? And yet you never said anything.

- If you knew……

His eyes left hers and he turned his head and looked out over the lake, shaking his head.
Her voice was only a whisper when she said.

- If I only knew what Jim?

- I don't know when it begun Pam. I suppose things like that just sneaks up on you.

- What do you mean? What snuck up on you?

- You Pam. You snuck up on me.

- Ohh

- Yeah, one day I just realised what this was…this thing between us…well for me it had become much more than friendship.

She had lain awake so many nights after he returned with Karen, twisting and turning and trying to decipher every conversation they'd ever had, trying to figure out just how deep his feelings ran. Night after night she had gone through every smile, look, joke, touch she ever remembered them sharing, looking for a sign of genuine love. She had cursed herself for not paying attention, for ignoring the signs that must have been there every day.

- When did you know Jim?

- Oh I don't know for sure. I knew I liked you from quite early on, but I don't know when "like" turned into an infatuation and I don't know when that "infatuation" turned into love, but I know I'd been on the verge of saying something for quite some time when…Roy set the wedding date.

A stab of guilt scratched through her stomach at the mention of his name. She felt the need to defend herself.

- But, you were with Katy.

He didn't respond at first. He just sighed and picked up a handful of sand which he let slowly seep from his closed fist.

- Yeah…and as you might remember I broke up with her. Half an hour after you decided to get married actually.

- Oh….. I didn't know that. I thought you were together for a while after that.

- No, we weren't.

- Oh.

- So you see Pam….me leaving, it wasn't sudden at all, not really. I think I knew somewhere deep down that I had to leave the second we stepped of that boat.

- But…

- But what?

- You….there was no time….after you said, after we you know….when I came back to work you were gone already. How did you do that so quickly?

- I put in a request a couple of weeks before that....before I left. So I guess it wasn't as quick as it might have seemed.

- I see

She felt gutted that he'd known for weeks without telling her. She knew it was ridiculous and not at all fair of her to even think it, but for some reason it felt like betrayal. Jim kept talking. A little laugh escaped him as he continued confessing.

- It was Dwight who started it all.

- Dwight?

- Yeah. Remember that day Michael went through all of our complaints, the ones he got from Toby?

- Sure

A silence fell as they both remembered Jim's redacted complaint about Pam's excessive wedding planning.

- Well….by that point it had become very clear that the wedding was happening. And Dwight was so mad at me. He gave me the link to the advertised position in Stamford. I decided that night to go after it. I called Jan and requested a transfer; the promotion was just something that went along with the transfer. I remember thinking that it would be easier to convince everyone why I was leaving, convince you, seeing it was a promotion and all.

She kept quiet. She wanted him to tell her his side of things and she knew he had to do that without her questioning it.

- But it had been a long time coming Pam. One way or another I think I would have found a way to leave. It became apparent that I couldn't stay.

His eyes were transfixed on a spot in the middle of the lake. Searching for words to explain his actions, explain his pain. The pain she slowly had come to understand was much deeper than she'd ever dreamt possible. When she started to comprehend how much he had loved her, something came alive inside her. She became filled with self-esteem and it eventually gave her the strength to speak up.

- So that night….

Her eyes watered as she saw him literally shudder just by mentioning THAT NIGHT. She wondered if she'd ever be able to make it up to him, to heal the deep wound she caused that night. Her regret had been eating her alive. He turned his face further away. She knew he would duck and cover if she let him, so she leaned closer, grabbing hold of his hand. She could hear him swallow and take a deep breath, and then he spoke.

- ...that night, I wasn't planning on telling you what I did. I was just gonna tell you I was leaving, but then…I don't know, standing there…I don't know, something just snapped inside me and I couldn't keep up the pretence…like it didn't matter what happened, I didn't see the consequences of telling you….I only…I don't know. I gambled. I just had to let it out. And then….when you said you were still marrying him I…

His voice broke and she could see him snapping for air and trying to control the wall of emotion that seemed to have built up inside him. For a few seconds she felt paralysed by the magnitude of the moment, but then she leaned in and rubbed his back. She gently put her hand on his chin and moved his face to hers. He wasn't looking at her and she could see him trying to blink away some stray tears. She felt the moisture behind her own eyes as she let her hand slide down, lightly grabbing his arm.

- Look at me Jim.

He struggled. She could feel the war of emotions racing through his chest as it heaved compulsively. He lifted his right hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. He lifted his head a little, but it still wasn't enough for her to catch his eyes. Their foreheads were against each other. She thought she could feel the blood pumping through his veins. A minute went by, then two, then three and Pam was caught by a feeling of absolute existence. They sat like that for what felt like an eternity. Hands intertwined, facing each other, willing their thoughts to pass through the thin layer of skin that separated them, hoping they would intermix and spill their secrets.

- I lied.

- Huh?

- I lied Jim.

She could feel Jim slowly regaining his composure and briefly turning his head as to make sure he heard her right. She moved her mouth to his right ear and half whispered, half spoke, her confession. Her lips touched the corners of his ear.

- I'm so sorry for what I said that night Jim. You have no idea how my words have tormented me.

- You don't have to….there's really no need…for you to…

- Shhhs…..I need to say this Jim. Please let me.

- Oh…ok.

- Will you look at me?

He reluctantly removed himself from her and turned his head. A few seconds went by before he mustered the strength to look into her eyes. In all her life, she had never seen a soul more naked in front of her. She was amazed by the courage of this incredible man who was looking straight at her. His eyes were marred by the terrors of the past, but they were also full of hope, hope of redemption. She took both his hands and bid him to come closer. He leaned in.

- That night….you don't know what you did to me that night. I didn't know one could feel so much pain and exhilaration at the same time. You scared me Jim. You yanked me right out of my illusions, no my delusions, and forced me to confront everything. I was terrified.

He didn't say anything, just continued to look at her. He hadn't blinked once. Afraid she would lose her momentum if he did.

- I felt it too. Of course I did. I just…I don't know. I honestly didn't think it ran that deep. I hadn't allowed myself to explore it. I didn't know. And I'm sorry I said that thing about you misinterpreting our friendship.

Her voice quickened as she spoke and feelings of anger unexpectedly surged in and replaced those that were filled with only regret.

- But I was mad at you too.

A glimmer went through his eyes, and he looked away for a split second.

- I was mad at you for telling me, and I was mad at you for leaving.

He cleared his throat and his voice was sorrowful when he asked.

- And now, how do feel now?

- Now I realise…that what you said…well I'm glad, because it forced me to change some things that needed changing. I was an idiot for thinking that I could ever be happy in that marriage. I was an idiot for thinking that I could ignore my feelings for you. But I just wasn't ready to see it, to deal.

- You weren't an idiot Pam. I understand.

- But Jim….I have to be honest right?

- Of course…you can tell me anything.

- I AM STILL mad at you for leaving.

She didn't expect his next reaction. He burst out laughing. Really laughing. Like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. She was too surprised to feel much anger as she watched him fall back on his back laughing harder than she'd ever seen him laugh before.
- What…wait? Did you hear me? I said I was mad at you.

- Hehehehehehehe….yeah….hehehe…heard you.

- Then…why are you laughing?

She tried to keep a strict face and a firm voice but for the life of her she couldn't ignore the happy feeling she got in her stomach whenever he laughed. Her face cracked and a huge grin replaced her surprised expression.

- Hey…stop that. Why are you laughing? It wasn't supposed to be funny.

- I'm so sorry. Hehehehe…really I am. I don't know where that came from.

- Hehe….okay weirdo.

- Hey…you have to admit that it is a bit funny. IF you look at it objectively. Here you have two people with the worst timing ever, who kept making things worse and worse until… I mean, aren't you amazed that we're even having this conversation?

- Ehh…yes.

- Pam….think about it. In spite of all that stuff, here we are. Together. I don't care if you're mad at me. I love that you're mad at me. I hope you continue to stay mad at me every time I leave you, even if it's just for the day, even if it's just for an hour. I wish I had known of your anger a long time ago, it's the best anger I've ever known.

- Hehehe….you're impossible.

- I know. So are you.

They both cracked and started laughing almost hysterically. When the cramps of laughter gradually started to reseed Pam felt more relaxed than she'd done in years. Relaxed and so incredibly happy she felt like running around. She quickly stood up and without thinking she tore off her jacket and her top. Jim, completely thrown by these unprecedented turn of events, just stared. She tugged at her skirt and before she knew it she was standing in her bikini. Jim, having been shocked into silence, regained his voice and a bit startled asked.

- Pam…what are you doing?

She turned around to find surprise and admiration in his eyes as he tried very hard to focus on her face. She knew he had never seen her like this before, and she suddenly felt proud at the way her almost naked body affected him.

- I'm going for a swim silly…

She crossed the sand in three short steps and ran into the lake which was colder than she had imagined. Her blood was boiling; the cold water would do her good.

- Hey Pam, are you insane? You'll get pneumonia.

- No I won't. Come on in, it's lovely.

A little white lie had never killed anyone. He looked completely lost standing there trying to wrap his head around this new Pam.

- No, I meant what I said before. I won't go swimming this time of year, it's too early.

- Oh you big baby. Don't be such a wimp. Come on. You gotta take a chance on something sometime Jim.

- Hehe, very funny. I get it, but Pam, I mean it. It's too cold.

She was far enough out to have nothing but head above water. Before she could mull it over, she balanced on her toes and unhooked her bra. He hadn't figured out what she was doing when it came flying, landing a few feet in front of him, in the water.

- Could you fetch that please?

He looked at her in bewilderment. He looked completely adorable. He leaned down slowly and fished it out of the water, no less surprised than if it had been the Holy Grail itself that had washed up on the bank. Pam felt the laughter escaping her lips as she raised her voice and said.

- Need any more encouragement?

She hadn't seen anyone strip down that fast since Roy and her's prom night. She barely caught a glimpse of him in black tight fitting boxers before he was swimming in the direction of her. As he closed in on her she became suddenly aware of her own nakedness. What on earth had come over her? As he caught up with her she shyly put her arms across her chest. She was happy he didn't seem to take notice of her quick cover up.

- Holy shit Pam…it's freezing.

- Hehe….okay okay, so it's a little colder than I expected, but now we'll have a story to tell our…uh…children.

She could feel all the blood in her upper body rushing to her face as she blushed at her disclosure of their imagined children.

- Wow.

He looked at her with a face that showed nothing but pure happiness. The cold water didn't seem to bother him much anymore.

- Pam…

His voice broke at the scene before him, and she felt her own started to quiver as she admitted thoughts of such things.

- I know it's corny? I know it's way too early for all that.

He didn't answer her; just placed his cold hands on her red cheeks before he gave her a soft kiss. She felt stupid and childish for feeling this euphoric. Surely people had to handle such situations better than her. She had a hard time finding words for the jolts of happiness and desire that shot through her spine. At one point she new she had to stop over thinking things. This wouldn't do. She was genuinely concerned that her head would explode if she didn't turn off her thoughts. Jim had taken a step back. He was standing and looking down at her; waiting for her next move. She had absolutely no idea what to do. She hadn't thought ahead at all. But this was a make or break moment. She knew she couldn't escape from this, from them. She didn't want to.

- So…what know?

Jim looked at her with vivid eyes. He searched her eyes for clues as to where she was going with all this. She was too proud to admit that she was as dumbfounded by her last actions as he was. Slowly, and mostly because her fingers were getting numb in the cold water, she removed her hands from her chest and placed them around his neck. She placed her head against his chest. It gave her a sense of peace she hadn't known before. She could feel his arms embracing her and pulling her closer. She felt the warmth of his body encircle her own chest.

- Come on Beesly, it's time to get out. It would be really unfortunate if we froze to death.

She felt him lift her and she instinctively wrapped her legs around him as he waded to land with her in his arms. She had never felt safer or more loved. She held on tighter and felt the muscles of his lean body working beneath her. The whish wash of the water would have hypnotised her into sleep had it gone on for much longer. She felt groggy as he carefully placed her on the blanket. She was resting on her back as he kneeled beside her. Her naked skin glowed in the dark night. He seemed to have hit his level of self-control and now openly admired her. Surprised that she didn't feel embarrassed under his exploring eyes she didn't reach for the towel. She could feel her body reacting, and a deep burn started somewhere inside her and spread to every cell in her body. Her breathing became heavier and her fixed posture revealed the intensity of her emotions. When she reached out her hand to find Jim's it took only a second before his lips met hers. Forgotten was the cold water, the shyness of the first time, forgotten was Karen, Roy and years of longing. She stopped thinking and simply let her instincts steer her. She felt him on top of her, careful but passionate. His lips on her neck, on her chest, on her breasts. She felt her free hand enclose its grip on a tuft of his short hair. She could feel him lifting his head from her chest and heard him speak with a voice that sounded deep and warm.

- My God Pam. You are so beautiful.

Momentarily at a loss of voice she bent down and kissed his temple. He looked up at her and the sparkle in his eyes was only rivalled by the stars above them.

- Uhh…I think, uhh…we, maybe we should stop before it's too late.

She knew the last thing he truly wanted was to stop and the fact that he was even able to stop made her want him even more. She turned his head and nibbled carefully at his ear before whispering in a sexy voice she hardly recognized as her own.

- Don't you dare stop now…

He didn't need more encouragement. His lips still tasted of fresh lake water. She could feel her own hands running down his back. She longed to feel him, to put her hand around him. At the hem of his boxer-shorts she hesitated for a mere moment before sliding her hand inside it. As she felt his hand run down her stomach and reach the top of her bikini bottom she couldn't help but release a moan. After manoeuvring herself a bit further down she enclosed her hand around him. She felt his whole body stiffen the second she touched him, and now it was his turn to let out a loud moan. Encouraged by her affect on him she started stroking him.

- Jezus Pam….I don't know if I can, I mean…if you keep doing that…I'm gonna…you know.

She whispered in his ear. Her voice was teasing as she dared him to say it.

- You're gonna what Jim?

- You know.

- Yeah I know, but I want you to say it.

- Come on Pam…

His begging words were doing a poor job disguising the lust in his voice.

- No, I love how you feel. You're going to have to give me a voiced reason before I stop.

Her voice sounded even sexier than before and she wondered where this bold new persona came from. All she knew was that this felt righter than anything she'd ever done in her life.

- Please Pam….I'm gonna…I'm gonna come.

She bit his ear before she said in a voice drenched in lust.

- I want you to come.

She had barely uttered the words before his moans intermixed with the sounds of lakeside night. When his first moments of release gave way to his own embarrassment he rolled over on his back and put his left arm across his face.

- This is just embarrassing. I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm sorry. I don't know what that was…

She moved up next to him and started tugging at his arm. When she had no luck in removing it she tried a different approach.

- Come on Jim. Don't be like that. Do you have any idea how fantastic you made me feel just now. I love that I could do that to you so quickly. Don't be embarrassed. If anything it's a huge complement.

- It is?

- Yes silly, of course. Come one, remove your hand and let me see you. It's just me, Pam.

He removed his hand and beneath it she found him smiling up at her. She leaned down and kissed him before she put her head on his chest. She could feel his arms encircle her. With a quick swipe he arranged the blanket over them. His hands run up and down her spine and before long she felt herself drifting off to sleep. At the brink of unconsciousness she heard herself say.

- I'm falling in love with you Jim.

When they woke the next day, somewhere around four-thirty, at the brink of dawn, pretty much every bone in their bodies ached. They smiled as their eyes found each others. Pam couldn't help but laugh at the brutality of the morning light. No point in being bashful she thought as her breasts brushed against his chin as she sat up. She was about to thread her top over her head when he stopped her.

- No please, not yet.

Normally she would have felt on display and uncomfortable in the forest clearing, but she only sighed contently and looked out over the lake. Jim sat up and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned back and rested against his chest. When she started to shiver in the crisp morning air he wrapped the blanket around them. As they watched the sun climb to give them another day, he whispered in her ear.

- I didn't get to return the favour.

- What do you mean?

- Last night, you know, after I…

- After you?

Pam couldn't help but want to tease. Jim seemed awkwardly aware of the tense subject he tried to direct her attention towards.

- You know…

How was it possible that he could be a gentleman and a little shy boy at the same time? His cheeks, that started to redden, made her want to do it to him all over again.

- No I don't know. I think you're going to have to spell it out to me.
He continued to squirm for a few more seconds before he realised what she was doing. He let out a little laugh and gently nudged the back of her head with his own.

- You're quite something you know…

- I know.

- So…

- So?

- Do you want the favour returned?

Part of her wanted to surrender to the passion she had gotten a taste of last night, the other part wanted breakfast and a hot bath. The chillness of the morning had woken her up, and although Jim's warm body helped, she was still very aware of being cold.

- Oh…I'm sure it'll get returned, but for now, could we go back to my place and get a few more hours of sleep before we have to go to work. I also suggest a warm shower.

- You bet.

She could feel his arms tightening around her as he leaned in and kissed her cheek.

- Just one more thing.

- Yeah?

- Did you mean what you said last night Pam?

- What did I say?

- You said you… you said you were falling in love with me.

- That's right. I did.

- So?

- Did I mean it?

- Yeah.

- Yes.

- Wow.

- Hehehe…you keep saying that.

- I know, but I mean…yeah, WOW.

- I know.