Chapter 10 : Blind
There had to be some irony in the fact that he was going to die for the third time in as many weeks. Raphael clung to the dock with all his strength, coughing up water. The fresh rope burns on his wrists where they had tied him stung in the cold ocean water. He was exhausted, blinded, and chilled to the bone. Even his voice was broken and hoarse from when he'd screamed at Karai, goading her to just kill him already as her minions threw him over the side of the boat and set about securing him with chains.
She hadn't said much the entire time. Her scientist though, fuck, if he were free he'd stuff his hand down that man's throat and pull out his tongue. Dr. Chaplin spent the entire time both on the way to the docks and while soldiers were tying him up chortling about how wonderful his plan was. He didn't see the brilliance that Chaplin obviously did. He was weak. Tired. And blind. How was that brilliant?
Finally they finished, leaving him in water up to his neck and waves beating against his face. All he could do was grimly hang on.
"Raphael!" Karai's voice carried over the waves as she shouted at him from her boat. "May your brothers prove smarter than they appear to be."
He didn't even bother to retort, merely growled and spat out water when a large wave caught the side of his face.
He hated feeling helpless. Hated it. And he hadn't been in a more helpless situation in his entire life.
He had almost given up when rescue came. Almost. The effort wasn't worth it anymore, the struggle to keep his chin up. Every second breath was stolen from him by a crash of water. He coughed and choked and forced himself to stay conscious.
He had no idea why. Why he was even fighting this hard. Could he even face Leo again? Raw embarrassment ate at him. Why bother? Except...
No matter what he had done to Leo, even if Leonardo never forgave him, at least he'd be able to be with them again. Leo would rescue him no matter how he felt about him... that was what Leo would do... and the idiot would blame himself if Raphael let himself drown.
So he had to stay alive for him. And when he did show up, he'd apologize to him. Definitely. He had never really done that before, but forcing him against his will deserved an apology. Master Splinter always said he had no control. Leo merely proved it.
He had nearly faded out of consciousness again when he heard the distant roar of a boat motor. He almost thought he was hallucinating when he heard the sound of voices. Familiar voices.
It was Leo! He cried out to him, unable to see, only hear. He didn't calm at all until he felt strong hands wrap around him from behind. The rest was a blur of actions that led to him being laid against something hard with the buzzing voices of his brothers around his head. He was alive. He didn't know how much longer, but he was alive. He reached out blindly, searching for him, for Leo, and gave him that apology. After that, he became quite incoherent until later, during the long damp trek through the storm drains back to their lair.
He was aware of being jostled about and carried between two people as he jerked his head up and groaned. Every single part of him ached, even his feet. He still forced himself to use those feet, taking a bit of load off of the two he was between.
Don and Mike evidently. He got a pleasant "careful there Raph" from the left and a "yeah dude, we gotcha!" from the right.
He grunted, his head swimming. He winced and tried to force his head to clear. "Leo?" he croaked out, his voice raw.
"He's gone on ahead," Don replied. "To tell Master Splinter and to help get my lab ready," he added.
Raphael grunted again and tried to pull away from them, though they both refused to let him go. "Don't need no lab," he muttered.
Silence for a moment and he imagined Don and Mike exchanging looks over him. "I need to look at that face," Don said quietly.
"Yeah dude you have like gross hunks of skin hanging off of your cuts," Michaelangelo said helpfully. That got a displeased sound from Don.
Raphael merely grunted, a bit pleased and a bit horrified at the same time. Pleased he had grossed out his brothers, however unintentionally and horrified at how he must look. For some unknown reason he also wondered what Leo would think and mentally cursed himself at the retardedness of that thought. Who fucking cared if Leo found him to be gross?
That did bring to mind another problem. He nearly stopped trying to drag himself along at it, and Don made a questioning noise. "Raph?" he asked.
Raph merely shook his head and forced himself to keep going. "Nothin'" he replied.
In fact it was far from nothing. He was suddenly deathly afraid that Leo'd seek personal vengeance for his injuries and go after Karai for what she had done to him. If Leo did that... he'd loose him again. He was suddenly very very certain he never wanted Leo to go near Karai again.
Donatello had Mikey help him take Raphael to his lab first, laying him out on the impromptu table the entire family used as a medical bed when one of them got injured enough to need fixing while lying down.
Don frowned at his patient, giving Master Splinter a slightly worried look as he came to hover over his body.
Raphael groaned and tossed his head to the side as Don touched his face. "Go 'way," he muttered. "Hurts," he added, aware that he wasn't getting out of this until he let Don operate on him. He kept an ear out for Leo but Leonardo hadn't said anything since he had entered the lair. Master Splinter had even laid a hand on his shoulder and welcomed him back, so he didn't know why Leo was being so quiet. He knew he was there though, he could feel his silent presence. Mikey had greeted him loudly as well, making him hyperaware that he was watching from a distance.
Embarrassment clung to him again. He wondered if Leonardo was angry at him. If he was than he could go fuck himself, Raph thought, suddenly angry. He did everything he could to bring him back...
'But you also took what wasn't yours to take as well, didn't you?' a nasty little voice in his head reminded him, making his anger flee as fast as it had come.
He didn't have much time to wallow in embarrassment and self pity when Don started poking at him and his thoughts slammed back to throbbing in his face. That HURT.
"Give me a second Raph," Donatello motioned to Master Splinter to hold the sides of his head while he pulled out the medical equipment he had painstakingly collected over the years. He then went over to the sink, washing his hands and arms obsessively for a few minutes before returning. He reached out for Raphael's face again. Mikey and Leo stood back from him, knowing to give Don his space.
Raphael merely groaned as Don started poking at his raw injury, weakly kicking out with his legs.
"Do you want me to get his legs, Don?" Leo asked from where he stood near his feet.
Oh, there he was. Raphael managed a chuckle, even as Don shook his head in a 'no' and continued to work. "Hey Fearless," he said, almost a bit shyly, wide grin arching across his face. The grin was fleeting. "Ow!" he added as Don touched him.
Don pulled back and gave him an irritated look. "Raph, you gotta stay still..."
"Not my... fault," Raphael muttered. "That fucking hurts."
Master Splinter made a noise of discontent at the swear, but didn't say anything. There would be time for chastising later, right now he was just happy to see his son alive and well again.
"Sorry sensei," Raphael said, picking up on his father's disapproval. He managed to be silent for a couple more seconds, until another touch from Don had him jerk away again. "God idamn it/i Don!"
Master Splinter grasped the sides of his head in his hands after a nod from Donatello.
"Well at least he sounds fine," Mikey quipped as he stepped forwards. He touched his leg, prepared to grab it next time Raphael moved.
Don made a tsking sound, the expression on his face growing more and more grave. "They're deep Raph," he said after a moment. "I don't think you're going to see again any time soon."
They all stared at Don, except for Raph, who groaned loudly. Don looked ashamed, managing a small little shrug as he glanced from Leo to Master Splinter and back again. "I'll do what I can," he added.
"Raphael," Leo's arms where folded across his chest. "Did Karai did this to you?" There was a deadly tone to his voice. He knew it had been her, but he needed to know for sure. He was going to go after her the moment he knew Raph was going to survive, which was looking more likely by the second.
Raphael tensed, his hands flexing at the bed for a moment, then raised his head in his general direction. He ignored the noise of protest from Don. "Down Leo," he said. "No fightin' Karai on my behalf. She brought you back to life too." He stabbed a finger in his general direction. "Ya don't wanna be ungrateful do ya?"
There was stunned silence in the room. At least until Mike broke it up with a loud "OHHH!! But... huh," he paused and they all looked at him. "That's interesting. Wonder why she did that?" he asked finally.
Raphael let out a little snort. "Because she has the hots for him. Why the fuck else?"
"Raphael," Master Splinter said quietly.
"Sorry," Raph muttered, his voice lowered considerably. "But it's true. Why else would she put him back together anyway?" Now a plaintive note entered his voice. "Fer decoration?"
Leonardo's frown deepened. "So you took it upon yourself to just run in there, without back up, and demand she to give me back?" he asked. His tone was clear: he didn't think Raphael thought his actions through. It would be just like Raph...
"Hey!" Raphael snapped back, old anger returning to his voice as he tried to sit up again. "It worked didn't it? Sheesh, I don't even know why I--"
"Raphael!" Donatello snapped, stepping back from Raphael. "Please!" he glared at Leonardo though, fixing him with a glare. Leo should know better than argue with Raph while he was trying to work on him.
"This discussion is over," Master Splinter agreed, giving Leonardo a significant look as well. "We will continue it later, when we've all had some rest."
Leonardo lowered his gaze, duly chastised. He felt guilty then, bad that he was showing his worry and concern through arguing with him. Raphael had saved his life... he sighed. He didn't mean too...
Donatello had returned to Raphael. "He'll need stitches," he said finally to Master Splinter as he pulled back from Raph's face. "I need to seal these cuts up so they can heal properly. And..." he hesitated. "I don't know how weak he is, but I really need to use drugs for this..."
Master Splinter nodded and Don turned his attention to his brother. "Raph?" he asked.
"Whatever, get it over with," Raphael returned grouchily.
Don turned away and went about gathering up a syringe and studying its contents as he carefully measured it out. "Try to stay still Raph," he said finally as he prepped Raph's arm and slid the needle in. He then put down the syringe and went to get his medical kit.
"Raphael," Leo said finally as Don rummaged around. Raphael tensed ever so slightly but Leo forced himself to make his voice as gentle and kind as possible. He reached out and touched Raph's foot, thumbing an ankle. "Thank you," he said softly. If Raph could see, he would have seen the gentle smile on his face. "For coming to get me."
Raphael relaxed, though his expression remained closed. "Whatever," he muttered and years of practice Leo could recognize embarrassment on his face. He scratched his side absently, the motions slowing as the drugs began to take effect. "... Dunno why she 'cided not to off me," he said finally in a drowsy voice. "Part of the deal an' all..." he yawned. "So she'd bring ya back instead..." he trailed off, now completely limp and relaxed. Don returned to his side, but not before sneaking a glance at Leo. They were all looking at him now and Leo dropped his eyes in shame.
He could read between the lines as Raphael drifted off into oblivion. They all could.
Raphael had made a deal with Karai to exchange his life for Leo's. He shut his eyes briefly, then opened them and reaching out and touching Raph's foot again. His stomach fluttered and for a moment he wondered wildly if he was going to be sick.
He was supposed to protect them. Even in death he had caused Raphael to do this to himself...
He was angry, but he knew it was at himself, not Raphael. This was not Raph's fault. Well not mostly. The responsibly lay on him and he had failed... he shut his eyes and shook his head slightly, then forced them back open and blankly watched as Don began to operate.
Raphael's breathing leveled out as Don continued to work. It took nearly an hour. When Donatello finally pulled away weariness stood out on his face as he wiped a back of a hand across a brow.
"Done," he said.
Michaelanglo stared. "But... what about his eyes?" He said finally, his own eyes wide.
Donatello's head hung a little lower. He looked so defeated... "Both were damaged, sliced into with the cuts. There's nothing I can do for now," He looked up again. "I'm sorry father." He said.
Master Splinter reached out and touched his son on the arm. "You did your best," he replied. "What matters now is helping him heal in both body and spirit," he added.
Donatello nodded but looked like he didn't feel any better as he went to get gauze to wrap around Raphael's injury.
"Man," Mikey finally piped up as Don wound the cloth around Raphael's head, hiding the angry red scars from sight. "He's gonna be pissed when he wakes up and find out he can't see." Leonardo shot Mike a look.
"Well it's true!" he exclaimed in response to being glared at.
"I should stay with him," Don said as he finished. "Just in case he wakes up..."
"I'll do it," Leonardo said. He glanced at Master Splinter and got a slight nod from him. "Can you guys help me get him to my room?"
They did, again slung between two brothers, this time Don and Leo to give Mikey's still healing arm a rest. As soon as they had Raph laid in Leo's futon Don stood again as he watched as Leonardo lit his meditation candles. "Give me a call if you need me for anything," he said. Leonardo nodded absently and Don left the room.
Leaving just Leo and Raphael. And... Master Splinter. The rat watched as Leo knelt beside his brother, a troubled expression on his face as he watched him sleep.
A furred hand landed on his shoulder.
Leo glanced up, looking a little lost. "He loves me," he said finally. Raph had tried to die for him. Whatever he had said or did it had been enough to convince Karai to let him go and take Raphael's life instead. During the last couple years he'd even go as far as to say that Raphael was selfish, the most selfish one of all of them, but that was the single most selfless thing anyone had ever done for him. "Love" was a simple word, but it meant so much.
"Yes." His father replied. "Was that ever in doubt?"
"No, I..." Leonardo looked down again. He was quiet and contemplative as he inspected his hands. "I don't know... if I have the strength to..." he paused, brow knitting as he searched for the right words. "Help him. Show him I care and am... thankful..."
Master Splinter was silent for a long moment as he too inspected Raphael where he slept. Then he patted Leo on the shoulder. "Do... what your heart tells you to do, Leonardo. You are wise. Your brother is injured right now, and his injuries may not all be external. You must tread carefully around matters of the heart. Take care with his feelings, show him your patience and support. He will need your love. But, most importantly, he will need his brother to lead him and to guide him. Do you understand?" he asked.
Leonardo bowed his head. He didn't know if he did, but he was sure he would eventually. "Yes father," he replied dutifully.
For a very long time after Master Splinter left Leonardo just stared at Raphael. Now that he was in his bed... he could think about what he dared not back during the rescue, or while Don fixed him up. His brother's words came back to him from that night and they troubled him now. 'I'm already dead bro,' and 'cause I loved you to much'.
He should have seen it. He thought Raphael had hated him, not...
Ha. He tilted his head back again, wry smile touching his lips. His brother loved him. He knew that now... but he also KNEW it. That night, in that room together, the hooded look in his eyes, lust... love... but it was more than that.
"Was it really worth loosing your sight?" he asked softly, reaching out and touching the side of Raphael's face. He tried to ignore how Raphael's head moved slightly and his brother murmured in his sleep, obviously in pain.
He felt faint anger at Karai for doing this, but it was pushed back by raw confusion. He honestly had no idea why she had done this. He had been dead. He had the shell pieces to prove it. Even if she liked him as Raph insisted, why tie an extremely injured Raphael to a dock and try to drown him? None of it made sense...
Unless she intended to kill Raphael and had a change of heart...
No matter. He set his jaw with determination as he stood again then went over to the mat in the middle of his room where he usually meditated.
He'd show him.
No more letting his brother get under his skin, no more meaningless arguments. When Raphael woke up, he'd show him... he'd show him everything.