Chapter 9: Truth be told
People always said that there were a million and one ways to die but only one way to live.
Death comes easily for some – a stab in the heart, drinking poison, illness, drowning, being thrown over a cliff or slitting the wrist. For some, they never seem to die even when they are rubbing shoulders with death everyday but they cannot escape forever. Truth is - there is never a day where no one dies on Earth. However in order to live, all creatures must fight to survive – there is just no other way. Everyone dies but not everyone lives.
To this exorcist who had faced death numerous times, dying is the finale for any mortal's life. One day he would die too, when his lotus withers and he wouldn't have to wait very long either. His duty as an exorcist forces him to face death in every mission and he accepts this fate in the same manner as he views death. There is no running away from the inevitable and he was not one to fear death. But he is also a firm believer that you could control fate with your own hands. But now as he watched life slowly seep out of the small body, Kanda wasn't so sure.
If you could control fate with your own hands, then he should be able to save his partner from his impending death. He had only left Allen alone for less than an hour and Allen didn't look like he was disturbed in his sleep. A poisoned dart? Gas? What!! With no visible injury or clue on the source of the problem, how was he going to save Allen? The exorcist frantically searched every inch of Allen's body for a clue – a needle hole, bruises, signs of struggle, anything!! But the bed was in a mess after all, semen and blood staining the sheets. The bruises on Allen's hips resembled the effects of last night's lovemaking and the blood under Allen's nails were already dried and it was probably his own.
The Japanese teen cursed under his breath – what now?
Kanda did the only thing he could think of – CPR. If he couldn't save Allen, the least he could do was to minimize the damage and wait for Toma's return. Scooping Allen out of bed and onto the floor, Kanda started pumping to a rhythm. .5. Breath. .5. Breath. At least, oxygen was entering Allen's body. But it didn't stop complex emotions from flooding his system and he couldn't make these emotions go away. Anxiety. Worry. Guilt. Hope. Dread. Fear. Why was he having so many weird emotions that he never felt before? Why was Allen dying, making his mind feel like its going crazy?
Allen's dying… and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
"OI! Moyashi you had better wake up this instance. It's not funny alright."
"…"
"Idiot, which exorcist dies in bed? It's the most unglamorous way to die and it's stupid. Open your eyes now."
"…"
"Hey old man. Just wake up already. I will let you have the bed the next mission."
"…"
"Make it four missions."
"…"
"Fine – for all future missions that we go on together. So just open your eyes, goddamnit!"
Kanda never expected Allen to really die – at least not in his lifetime because he was just too tough for it. Allen, the destroyer of time, was always viewed as God's favourite and he had a duty to fulfill – so he wouldn't die so easily right? True – he always threatened to drive Mugen into Allen and kill him for being so goddam annoying but it was just a natural thing to do. Moyashi was stupid, idiotic and clumsy but he was no push-over. That is why he could always count on Allen to liven up his day, to retaliate whenever he made fun of him. Even during their battles, Allen always survived the most severe injuries. He must have taken Allen's strength for granted because Allen was human too, and all humans will die someday.
The raven haired samurai was throwing every insult at Allen and calling out to him as he pumped but never once did the unconscious boy respond. He couldn't be sure if the unconscious could hear but Kanda still hoped that somehow he heard him and woke up. Then everything will be normal again. If Allen was alive, then maybe they can pretended that they never had sex, maybe he could pretend that he didn't hear Allen say 'I LOVE YOU' and maybe they could go back to being the bickering partners of the Black Order. Kanda was not ready for anything to change. He was only beginning to get used to this human being named Allen Walker.
His mind chose this moment to recall memories of times spent with Allen.
There was a time when the both of them crossed to the English countryside on their way for a mission when they reached fields of dandelions. The ever-childish general made a beeline for the fields – jumping around and swinging his arms wildly to dislodge the seeds from the plant. Kanda only stood on the dirt path watching him play. By right, he should have been extremely angry and walked off but he stayed. Kanda stood his ground and muttered curses and complained to himself how childish and extremely irresponsible that general was – he was wasting his precious time.
But Allen looked like the happiest person alive and he didn't have the heart to burst his little happy bubble. There weren't many days that an exorcist could be so carefree when the final battle is drawing near. And a happy Allen wasn't awful to look at, it was actually very interesting to see Allen's expressive face light up at the sight of dandelion swirling in the air with every gust of wind. To hear him giggle and laugh as the furry seeds tickle his neck as they brush pass. Yup – Kanda loved standing in a corner to observe Allen.
Another time, they were in Kanda's homeland and spent a night at an onsen inn. Allen had been over enthusiastic about going to the hot springs and rushed to the onsen the moment he had the chance. When he noticed that the shorter boy had been missing for nearly an hour, he rushed to the hot spring only to find Allen, almost under the waters – passed out. Kanda's heart almost stopped. He really thought Allen was a goner but that bean sprout was like his nickname - resilient. He managed to escape death again and Kanda truly felt that there was no other more fitting nickname for that boy.
But that stupid boy was too sick from the heat and was feverish the whole night. Kanda had to spend a whole night trying to help him cool down and listen to the hungry boy mumble about curry, omelette, fruit tarts and cheese burgers. Listening to the endless talk about food made Kanda nauseous but he endured it all. The whole night Kanda never got a wink of sleep – dutifully cooling the boy with a fan and caressing the boy's flustered body with a damp cloth. It wasn't so bad looking after the idiot. He was cute when he wanted to be.
There was another particular mission that ended horribly. Both of them managed to break an arm each – Allen's right and Kanda's left. When they returned to the HQ, the nurse had forced them to wear a protective guard over their arms to make sure the bones fused properly and to prevent further injury to the limb. So both exorcists had to stay in bed with four 50cm rods encasing their broken arm.
In the infirmary, Allen was twirling a pen out of boredom when it dropped onto the floor. When Allen tried to reach the pen without getting out of bed, he only managed to fall off the bed and land face first. Kanda laughed out loud and relentlessly teased the bean sprout for being so clumsy and useless. In an anger fit, Allen smacked the side of Kanda's head with the broken arm. It got Kanda really angry because it really hurt when the wooden rod hit his head and in revenge, Kanda smacked Allen's head with his broken arm too. From that point onwards, it was a bitch fight as hands were grabbing hair, legs kicking and jabbing into ribs and the constant knocking of wood against skull.
They only managed to cease fighting when the nurse came in to check on the commotion. At the end of the day, the two of them accumulated a whole lot of bruises and a swollen ear. Allen always manages to bring out the childish side of Kanda and Kanda wouldn't be able to bare not retaliating.
Reflecting on these, Kanda realizes that he can't do without Allen. He might not know what he felts for Allen but he definitely can't do without him. He might say that he hated Allen 1001 times but Allen had changed his life. Kanda now had something other than work to occupy his mind with. He was more human whenever he was with Allen and Kanda didn't want that to change.
He wasn't afraid of dying but he was afraid that he might lose Allen. It was impossible for him to go back to the lifestyle he had before because without Allen, life would be missing something. Fear of losing Allen forever only made Kanda pump more forcefully, sweat was running down his face and he panted with every pump. His body was already aching from repeatedly pressing down on Allen's chest.
"ALLEN"
-slap-
Straddling Allen, Kanda was frantically pumping the other boy's chest, brows frowning in frustration. Nothing he said or did was getting a response and the anxiety within Kanda was growing. Every moment that passed only reconfirmed the fact that Allen was on the verge of death. Slapping Allen had been his last resort… now he had run out of ideas. He was desperately trying to rescue Allen from the clutches of death.
At this moment, Toma returned to the hotel only to find Allen naked on the floor and a sweaty and red-faced Kanda straddling Allen, hands on the other boy's chest, ferociously pumping away. Toma was shell-shocked for a moment because on first impression, both exorcists were in a very compromising position. But the desperation and distress evident on Kanda's face didn't go unnoticed either.
"G-Get the doc-tor… Allen's dying…"
Without a missing a beat, Toma flew out of the room again and rushed to get the doctor. As Toma ran down the streets of Bombay, he couldn't help thinking how pitiful that their general was dying. The boy wouldn't live to hold his eighteenth birthday party.