A/N: I'm placing a major angst warning on this chapter. Is it wrong that I had a lot of fun writing this? Considering what I put these characters through? I'm also pretty nervous about it, so I hope you guys enjoy, and I'd love to hear your thoughts! And as always, thank you for reading!
Eric had been successfully avoiding Jeremy, and now had no clue where he was. Not that he cared, in fact, he was glad. Just thinking about him made him feel ashamed, angry, and behind his handsome features Eric could only see Kyle's eyes glimmering with disappointment, his scowl tightened by betrayal. He would have walked home by now, hands tucked in his pockets as he kicked through the relentless, building snow on the sidewalk. He would have collapsed into bed, but not before perhaps getting a little drunker first, so he could fall into a deep sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Anything to block out tonight. But he couldn't bear to leave. He felt awful, the plan was ruined, but he couldn't admit defeat. He couldn't walk away from his goals, from his dream, from Kyle. Even if a part of him knew that he was the last person Kyle wanted to be around right now, he still held out hope that Kyle wanted to find him, that Kyle still wanted him - despite everything. Buried deep inside him was a brittle hope that Kyle wasn't going to give up on him, and it inspired Eric to persevere.
The thing Eric wanted most in the world right now though was a piss, but it seemed like everybody at the damn party was stood outside Token's bathroom. Eric rolled his eyes and bit his tongue to stop himself from yelling at the groups of guys who huddled into the bathroom shifty and murmuring, hands poised at their pockets, as if they needed to fool anybody as to what they planned to do in there; or the armies of giggling girls, wielding lipstick and mascara. Surely Token's parents could afford more than one fucking bathroom in this gigantic house? Eric smiled, slipping away from the line and heading to Token's bedroom, remembering from his short stay there as a kid that Token definitely had an en suite bathroom.
Gone was the kick-ass race car bed Eric was jealous of as a child, but the bass guitar that Eric helped Token discover he could play was gleaming and propped on a stand in the corner of the room, and the one half of the matching teddy bears Eric had surreptitiously gifted to Token and Nichole was still sat on one of the shelves. Eric realised then, that Token owed him a lot. The least of which was a chance to use his bathroom, even if it meant invading his privacy a little.
Opening the bathroom door he soon discovered he was not the only one privy to the existence of the en suite bathroom. Of course Clyde, his best friend, would know about the bathroom, but Jeremy didn't even know Token. Nonetheless, there he was on his knees, head bobbing up and down, lips wrapped around Clyde's dick. His fingers were clutching Jeremy's immaculately gelled hair until his knuckles paled white. The audacity, and the sheer stupidity of the shitheads in front of him made Eric want to scream. So he did.
"What the fuck?!"
Eric's voice pulled Clyde out of his lusty stupor, his eyes fluttering open. A horrible, strangled cry escaped his mouth as he pulled Jeremy off his dick with a small, wet pop. Eric cringed.
"Cartman!" Clyde squeaked. "Dude, I am so sorry! I'm so fucking sorry! Oh shit... " he fretted, realising his dick was still out. He fixed his pants with shaking hands.
Jeremy looked over his shoulder, with no alarm in his eyes, but apology. He wiped his mouth. Eric's gaze bore into him, trying to root out that apology in his eyes. But Clyde was still babbling.
"I-I-I know you're probably pissed at me right now, but dude, I am begging you, do not say anything to Bebe! Please, Cartman-"
"As if I fucking give a shit, Donovan!" He snapped, seething, before returning his attention to Jeremy. "You! Get up now!"
Jeremy wasn't even standing up fully, before Eric yanked at his arm and dragged him out of the bathroom.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?!"
Jeremy wrestled his arm out of Eric's grip.
"Hey!" he snapped. When Eric looked back, Jeremy was seething too. His eyes were lit wildly with indignation. "I have no idea why you're getting so pissed off when you've been avoiding me ever since we kissed! Even though it was your idea-"
"Well, not all my ideas are fucking golden, and you're a perfect fucking example!" Eric said, storming out of Token's room and quite content to leave Jeremy there. He could finish the job, for all he fucking cared.
He heard Jeremy scoff behind him, and he followed him down the hallway. Eric wished he could swat him away like an annoying, buzzing little fly.
"As far as I was concerned, the job was finished!" Jeremy argued as they descended the stairs, which felt like an obstacle course with all the people crowding it. "And when I'm off the clock I can blow whoever I want!"
Eric turned to him, sneering as they reached the bottom.
"Yeah, right, as if you didn't give Donovan a good price for sucking him off!"
"I didn't!" Jeremy replied, voice straining. As if he knew frustration wasn't a good look on him, he tried to fix a smile, tried to put out the enraged fire in his eyes so they could smoulder again. "You know, it's a shame you decided to end this when you did. I got a thing for chubby guys..."
Jeremy tried to sidle up to him, reach his hand out, but Eric pushed it away.
"I wouldn't go near your dick even if you fucking bleached it, douchebag," Eric said through gritted teeth, glowering.
Then, like a warm, welcoming light of salvation in the dark, Eric noticed Kyle at the far end of the room. He held two drinks in hand, stood by the entrance to the kitchen. It should've been a light Eric ran to, but he couldn't let Kyle see him like this. Still, Eric could detect no judgement on Kyle's face, only concern, and mercy. They held their gazes for far too long. It was becoming more and more tempting then, for Eric to abandon this ruined mission and run to Kyle's arms. But would he hold him? Would he catch him? Or would he let him fall again? Eric couldn't survive another devastating crash. He would surely shatter this time.
Kyle mouthed, "are you okay?"
Gritting his teeth, mouth pulling into a frown, Eric shook his head.
"Come on..." he muttered, grabbing Jeremy's wrist and pulling him outside.
This wasn't over yet.
The morning of Kyle's eighteenth birthday had been as joyous as any of his other birthdays. He had awoken to a flurry of congratulatory texts, and messages on social media, and his family singing 'happy birthday' to him at the bottom of the stairs. His mom had made him pancakes, and they all sat down as a family to watch Kyle open his presents. Tickets to a Nuggets game, sneakers that wouldn't remain box fresh for long, and a lot of money in cards from relatives who didn't know Kyle that well, and panicked at the thought of buying presents for a teenager. Although he supposed he wasn't a teenager anymore, technically he was an adult. It seemed to be a label he had been dreaming of for years, but one he didn't feel quite ready for. Independence, responsibility, it all seemed so exhilarating and terrifying. He would be moving out in a couple of months, heading off to college. There was a lot he was glad to leave behind, like pricks he had known since kindergarten, exasperating adults, and a stifling familiarity. Still, there was a lot he would miss. The comfort of his bedroom, the warmth of his family, seeing Stan and Kenny every day, and of course, Eric. He had no idea what would happen to them once the summer was over. Would they break up for college or try to make it work long-distance? It stung Kyle's heart to think about it for too long. Remaining undecided was a nice salve, but one that would run out soon. Too soon, in fact.
Only Kyle and his mom remained in the living room now. His dad had gone to work, and Ike was getting ready for school. A knock at the door interrupted the content, lazy morning.
"Stay there, bubbe, I'll get it!" his mom said, rushing to the door before Kyle could protest.
He accepted with a smile that she wasn't going to let him do anything for himself today, if she could help it. He always felt loved by his mom, but never spoiled. She wasn't a big believer in that. Birthdays were the only times she would ever indulge Kyle and Ike. He tore open the envelope of a card from another distant relative, and was unsurprised to find the card bulging with more cash than usual. It was a milestone birthday, he supposed.
"Hello, Eric!"
Kyle paused, his attention clinging to his boyfriend's name like a child clinging to the belief of an extraordinary, magical being.
"Hi, Mrs Broflovski," Eric replied, shyer than usual. He usually laid on the charm thick with his mom, but he was more subdued today. When Kyle looked at him, he noticed he was almost sheepish. "I, uh, just came over to give Kyle his present."
Eric's gaze snagged on Kyle's own fixed stare. He smiled, secretive and brimming with anticipation. Kyle felt the heat crawl up his neck and behind his ears, returning the smile.
"Oh, yes! Come in, dear!" his mom replied. Kyle had never seen his mom so eager to invite Eric in.
Kyle stood up as Eric approached him, smoothing down his wrinkled pyjamas, and realising he hadn't brushed his hair or washed his face yet. He smothered a frown, telling himself it didn't matter, that Eric didn't care. He was certainly smiling at Kyle as though no hair was out of place, like he was the most beautiful person Eric had seen.
"Hey," he said softly, before clearing his throat. "Happy birthday!"
"Thanks," Kyle replied, still smiling. "What are you doing here? I was gonna pick you up-"
"I know, but..." Eric fiddled with the present in his hand. Wrapped in shiny, bright wrapping paper, Kyle was only now noticing it. "I really wanted you to have your present, and I couldn't wait any longer."
They both laughed at Eric's impatience. At times like this it could be endearing, Kyle guessed.
"Really?" Kyle found himself giving the hem of his shirt a soft tug. "That's so sweet."
Without a word, only a shy, tight smile, Eric handed Kyle his present.
"Thank you..." he murmured, biting his lip as he tried to figure out what could be beneath the wrapping paper.
Kyle returned to the couch to open his present, and Eric sat beside him. His presence was warm, and one that Kyle readily welcomed. He tore off the emerald paper, revealing a plastic container full of small, golden pastries with tiny chocolate folds. Chocolate rugelach, like his grandma used to make. The most unlikely, wonderful surprise, coming from the most unlikely, wonderful person. Although when Eric's heartfelt gestures could always be so unpredictable, maybe it wasn't such a surprise at all? Nostalgia, and fondness, and gratitude stirred in Kyle's chest, gathering words he was too stunned to say.
"You like it, right?" Eric asked.
"I... I love it!" Kyle said, with a giddy, disbelieving laugh. "Thank you! This is..." he turned to Eric, who was flushed with triumph. "H-h-how did you know how to make these?"
Eric shrugged, gaze wandering the couch cushions.
"Well, I wanted to make you something, so I talked to your mom and she said that you loved these." He gave Kyle's mom a grateful grin. "And she was kind enough to lend me the family recipe."
Kyle tried to speak, before looking over his shoulder at his mom, to confirm that this was really happening. His mom's delighted smile and gleaming eyes said it all. Eric and his mom working together? This was shaping up to be one of the most bizarre birthdays of his life. Well, maybe not as bizarre as the Casa Bonita incident, which was also Eric's doing. And now he was responsible for possibly one of Kyle's best birthdays as well?
"Wow...thanks, mom," Kyle whispered, before his voice could crack. "That's really cool of you."
"You're welcome, bubbe," she replied, beaming.
It was hard for Kyle to look at Eric without wanting to throw his arms around him, to bring him to his lips. He didn't want to deny himself that. It was his birthday, after all.
"Do you wanna eat these in my room?"
"Sure." Eric smiled, nodding.
With a pleased grin, Kyle got up off the sofa and jogged up the stairs, with Eric right behind him.
"Bubbe, you'll need to start getting ready for school soon!" his mom called from the bottom step.
"Okay, ma!" Kyle replied, and heard Eric chuckle.
Once they reached Kyle's room, they sat cross-legged on his bed. They faced each other, and Kyle had the tub of rugelach in his lap. Removing the lid, the sweet, crisp smell floated into his nostrils and took him back to that faded, fond kitchen he remembered from childhood.
"You try the first one," Eric said softly, but yearning for Kyle's verdict.
"Alright..." Kyle smiled, reaching for one and biting into it.
It was just as lovely as his grandma used to make, as his mom used to make before grandma passed away and baking them became too painful. The soothing chocolate melted in his mouth like the sweetest medicine, tasting of memory and comfort. Kyle's eyes couldn't help but slip shut.
"It's good?" Eric asked.
When Kyle opened his eyes, Eric was almost giddy with anticipation.
"It's delicious!" he replied. "Have some!"
Eric's smile softened with relief, and he reached for one.
"These things remind me so much of my grandma," Kyle said, as he picked up another. "Whenever we visited she would make them. It was one of the things I looked forward to the most." He sighed. "I wish I could eat them more often..."
"I'll bake them for you every week, if you want."
Kyle looked up from the rugelach, can't quite believing how lucky he was to have someone who would happily make his favourite dessert every week for him. Eric had pinked again, as though he was still figuring out how to fit into the doting boyfriend role, but still relishing it whenever he could.
"Then that would make you the best boyfriend ever." Kyle grinned.
"Well, I'm trying..." Eric murmured, reaching for another rugelach.
They exchanged smirks and continued eating.
"Hey, uh..." Eric's voice drifted off, and he cleared his throat. "Did you know that the possible translation of rugelach is 'little twists?'"
Kyle stopped chewing. He met Eric's eyes, and a smile of pure surprise and delight stretched across his face.
"No, I didn't!" he grinned. "That's so cool, Eric! Did my mom tell you that?"
Eric ducked his head, suddenly bashful.
"No, I looked it up myself..." he replied.
Kyle nearly choked. As he coughed and spluttered and tried to compose himself, he noticed Eric's smile had faded into something a little more earnest. It was the most modest Kyle had ever seen him. Eric's eyes were brimming with thoughts, with admissions, with revelations, and Kyle didn't want to speak, didn't want to interrupt. It was hard though, to watch Eric fidget, to watch his brow crease as he struggled with the words. Kyle's breath slowed as he waited for them.
"I know this is like... fourteen years too late but, I'm really sorry that I was so ignorant about your faith, Kyle." Eric's gaze was piercing, and the words seeped into Kyle's skin, travelled through every vein and artery. His eyes and nose stung, his heart prickled. "I think of all the stuff I believed, and thought..." Eric closed his eyes, grimacing when he swallowed the bitter pill of the past. "I... I-I think of all the stuff I said to you, and called you, and it sticks in my fucking chest, you know?" He opened his eyes, they were gleaming. "All that shame, and embarrassment, and guilt. I regret a lot of fucked up shit that I did as a kid, but none of that stuff hurts me as much as this does. All that other stuff, it doesn't repeat itself like a... reoccurring bad dream. I know I can't go back in time and take it all away. I know I can't change the person I was back then, but I can change who I am now, right?"
Eric asked it like he wasn't sure, like he was worried it wasn't possible. Kyle had to reassure him that it was. He nodded, speechless.
Eric's mouth quivered, relieved, but he didn't smile.
"I don't wanna be ignorant anymore, Kyle. You deserve more than that. You deserve better." He let himself smile then. It made Kyle smile too. "I'm gonna take an interest, and I'm gonna learn-"
"Really?" Kyle whispered, before he could stop it. The tears were burning his eyes now, clouding his vision.
"Of course I am." Eric smiled, wide and glowing, with the confidence Kyle had always adored. It didn't diminish the earnestness in his eyes, the deep, painful honesty etched on his face. "I wanna know everything about you."
Kyle almost clutched his chest when he felt a sudden, visceral sensation in his solar plexus. Never had being so overwhelmed affected him quite so physically. Then again, never did he think he would hear Eric apologise for his past behaviour, or realise just how much he needed to hear it. Eric had changed in so many subtle ways for the better, and there was nothing subtle in the awe and pride Kyle took in that change. But this was unprecedented, unexpected, and yet also what Kyle had been waiting for all along.
It was hard to resist the tears, no matter how much he wanted to. He bowed his head, not wanting Eric to see him upset, but still a few trailed down his cheeks. Holding back his sobs only released quiet, shattered breaths, his body shuddering as he rode them out. Of course Eric would notice. He didn't look up when Eric leaned forward, although his warmth was as tempting to cosy up to as a homely fireplace, his scent as tempting to inhale as the first of a favourite flower blossoming in spring.
"Kyle?" he whispered, resting his hand on his knee. His eyes tried to find Kyle's watery gaze. "Are you okay?"
He wasn't just okay, he was overjoyed. He lifted his head, revealing his blotchy face. Hs tears ran freely as he nodded. Setting the rugelach aside he threw his arms around Eric's shoulders. Eric brought him closer when Kyle started to sob into his neck.
"Hey, it's alright." Eric soothed, rubbing Kyle's back. "It's alright..."
Although his fingers were clawing into his shirt, and clutching his hair, and even though his lips, and nose were brushing against his skin, and his tears were wetting his neck, Kyle wanted to be closer still. He climbed into Eric's lap, and wrapped his legs around Eric's waist. They rocked a little, finding their balance, but they soon hold each other steady, wrapped up in each other's arms. Eric was even lounging his head on Kyle's shoulder now, inhaling the smell of his shirt just as Kyle inhaled the scent of his skin.
Eventually, sniffling, Kyle lifted his head. His face was flushed from the warmth of his tears, his own skin, and Eric's skin too. Eric, beaming, wiped the tears from Kyle's cheeks.
"Thank you," Kyle whispered, cupping Eric's face with both hands. "For everything."
Their lips met in a firm, deep kiss.
Kyle watched Eric shake his head, glowering, and before Kyle could cross the room to him, try to diffuse the argument about to erupt, Eric was out the door. He had grabbed Jeremy's wrist and tugged him into the backyard. Kyle had no idea what they could be fighting about, but he winced at the thought of raised voices, and bared teeth, and eyes glittering with tears. He thought of Eric, alone and upset, and even if it wasn't his place anymore, he wanted to be there to comfort him. He knew he was capable of hurting Eric, and over the course of this fractious week had dished out his not so fair share of disappointment and frustration. But he never felt good about it. How could anybody take pleasure in hurting somebody they cared about? The memory of his kiss with Eric, heavy with guilt, had threatened to crush him all week. Before he could rush to the backyard, he remembered the drinks in his hand, and Luke waiting for him.
He found Luke in the living room, deep in conversation with Butters. They read each other's lips above the loud, thumping music. Kyle tapped Luke's shoulder.
"Hey, can you take these while I go to the bathroom?"
"Sure, no problem," Luke replied, taking the drinks, stiff and still smarting from their earlier argument. They both were, despite their efforts to put it behind them, despite forcing themselves to have a good night.
"Thanks..." he murmured.
Kyle rushed out of the living room, navigated his way through the crowds in the hallway, and slipped into the backyard. Eric and Jeremy were stood further down the lawn, as if for once in his life Eric didn't want any attention drawn to him. Still, it wasn't working. Although they were half-concealed in the shadows, their raised, angry voices carried across the backyard. Kyle flinched, feet frozen to the patio like he was becoming another piece of garden furniture. Intervening now would be like running into oncoming traffic, there would only be more damage. He would wait until the argument came to a natural conclusion. Hopefully, he could get Eric alone.
"You know, I actually thought you had a brain in that pretty little head of yours, but clearly not if you just go around blowing random guys when you're supposed to be with me!"
Kyle blinked, an uncomfortable warmth rising on his cheeks in the cold, night air. He definitely wasn't going to get involved yet.
"Doing what though?!" Jeremy retorted. "I have no idea what the fuck you want from me anymore! One minute you're all over me, and then the next you're ignoring me, and ditching me in a house full of strangers!"
"Well, I thought you would be used to spending the night with strangers..." Eric remarked, a little quieter but Kyle still heard him... he guessed. What did Eric mean? He watched him fold his arms.
"Hey, cool it with the fucking judgements, alright?!" Jeremy snapped, and something stony and protective stirred in Kyle when he pointed a warning finger at Eric. "I make good money doing what I do, and I don't have a problem with it! You're the one with a fucking problem if you're so hung up on a guy, that you need to hire an escort to pretend to be your boyfriend so you can win him back!"
The words tore at Kyle like a bullet, a blade. It stole his breath and grasped his heart but he didn't bleed. Instead, he was filling up with shock, and anger, and disappointment, and betrayal. They warred inside him, grappled for every part of him, and they flooded his lungs until he felt like he was drowning, suffocating. He clutched his stomach, leaping with nausea. He willed himself to vomit, to get rid of these poisonous feelings.
"You can call it 'unorthodox', or whatever, but it's just pathetic, man! You're pathetic! And you wonder why be broke up with you-"
"Hey!" Eric snapped, shoving Jeremy. "Don't talk about me and Kyle like you know what happened between us! You don't know shit!"
Kyle didn't vomit. He seemed to be releasing all that combustible, asphyxiating emotion into tears that scorched his eyes and stung his nose. But how pathetic would that be? Sobbing alone as he watched his ex-boyfriend argue with - what transpired to be - his fake rebound? Discovering that his worst fears had been confirmed? That he had been tricked and lied to, and instead of confronting those lies and deceptions, instead of doing anything about it at all, he just stood there and cried? Kyle whimpered, gathered a huge, fortifying breath, and before he could think of a better idea, stormed over to Eric. He swept up all his rage, and hurt, and confirmed suspicions like a hurricane sweeping up houses and trees.
"I knew it!" he screamed. "I fucking knew it!"
As soon as he was close enough he shoved Eric, hard enough to make him stumble. The flash of bewilderment, the sting of his actions, slid off Kyle like a storm battering a window.
"What the fuck, Kyle?!" he demanded, sharp with incredulity.
Kyle didn't feel bad. He could see Eric shaking.
"I knew something was up!" he seethed. "I knew it!"
"Kyle, what are you talking about?"
Kyle scoffed, trembling now too with angry adrenaline.
"Please, Eric, I'm not buying your little innocent act anymore! I never have! I heard everything you guys just said! You've been trying to break me and Luke up the moment he got here!"
The silence was a miasma they were all choking on. Insidious, and large, and undeniable. Kyle stared hard at Eric instead of screaming, he didn't know where to begin. How could he do this to him? They reflected each other. Flushed, shocked, seething, and wounded.
"I think I'm gonna go..." Jeremy spoke up, already edging away.
Kyle could have forgotten he was there. Why hadn't he left already?
"Yeah, I think you should," he replied, sneering.
Jeremy pursed his lips, raising his hands before walking away. The silence persisted. Kyle could hear Jeremy's feet against the grass and the party behind them. He wondered how long it would last. His body began to tremor with the force of all the words he wanted to hurl at Eric.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Eric?!" he yelled. "You've ruined my night, ruined my winter break... do you wanna fucking ruin my life too? Huh? Is that the end goal? Y-y-you sabotage my dates with Luke, you create a fake relationship just to make me jealous, for what?! To wear me down, so you can have me all to yourself?! That's fucking sick!"
Eric had been wincing at Kyle's words, but a rueful smile tugged at his lips when he mentioned Jeremy. He laughed, mean and caustic.
"Kyle, come on, we're both faking," he replied. "You're doing the same thing with Luke, as I did with Jeremy, but the only difference is that you didn't have to pay for the privilege."
"What Luke and I have is real, alright?" Kyle snapped. It was easy to say, he had rehearsed it so many times. "I like him a lot, and I care about him! I didn't ask Luke out, and bring him here, just to make you jealous!"
"No, but this supposedly great thing that you and Luke have doesn't even fucking compare to us!" Eric argued, voice straining with frustration. His eyes shone, pleading. "You can't stand here and tell me that Luke makes you feel the way I do! And that's because he ticks all the 'right' boxes but you don't fucking want him! It's obvious! So this fucking... joke of a relationship is just as fake as me hiring a fucking escort as my date!"
"Yeah, except I actually fucking like my boyfriend! Nothing you can say or do will change that!"
"You only like him because you think he's who you're supposed to be with! But he's not!" Eric's face was creased with exhaustion. "What you and I have is so much better, and you know it!"
Kyle wanted to argue, but he couldn't. Eric's words had filed all the things Kyle told himself, all the things he wanted to believe, to tiny, insignificant stubs. His armour had been dismantled, and now he was exposed in front of the guy who knew him inside out. He was a fraud, he'd been conning everyone. His friends, his family, Luke, even himself. He thought he could con Eric too. But with every word he spoke Eric was unravelling his con, figuring him out. Kyle could hardly believe how much he had kidded himself.
"For someone who considers themselves so enlightened, you care way too much about what other people think, Kyle," he continued. "That's the only reason you kept me your dirty little secret-."
Kyle shook his head, grimacing at the foul tasting truth.
"No..." he whispered. "No, it wasn't that-"
"You're embarrassed by me!" Eric cut in. "You're ashamed of us! Because people like us aren't meant to be together! But we wound up together so how exactly do you explain that, huh? No matter how happy I made you, you hate that you feel this way about me!" He sighed, shoulders dropping. "I know I'm so fucking undeserving of you, Kyle. But it doesn't stop me wanting you. I couldn't stop, even if I tried, and believe me, I tried. You have no idea how much I've fucking missed you, Kyle. I've been miserable ever since we broke up-"
"Then why didn't you say something?" Kyle asked, finding his nerve again. "Why didn't you tell me that? You... you said you wanted to break up too!"
"I lied!" Eric laughed, like it was so obvious. But his voice was strained, cracking with tears. "When you said it would make things easier I wanted to believe you! I thought..." he shook his head. "I thought it would make you happy. Every single day we were together all I wanted was to make you happy! You're everything to me, and despite all the shit you've put me through, I still think you're fucking perfect! And I've never felt good enough! I kept trying to be better, because you said you wanted to try to love me-"
"Stop it!" Kyle cried. He couldn't take anymore. "Just shut the fuck up! You can't keep doing these things, Eric! You can't suddenly decide to tell me all this now as a way to explain yourself! Did you really think all of this would make me wanna go back to you? It doesn't! Y-y-you can't control people! You can't get what you want all the time! People are allowed to say 'no' to you, and you've just gotta fucking accept that! And you especially can't destroy other people to get what you want! If you keep doing that... " he shook his head. "You'll never achieve anything! I... I'm sorry that you never felt good enough. I never wanted you to feel that way. But if you wanted to me to love you... this is the wrong way to do it."
Kyle waited for Eric's defiant retort, his scathing rebuttal. He waited for his grand, earnest vow that he would never rest until Kyle changed his mind, until he fell in love with him. He waited for some reckless, passionate gesture that Kyle would call playing dirty, but would be effective nonetheless. Sweeping him up in a deep, crushing kiss; storming back into the house, finding Luke and revealing everything to him; hell, getting down on one fucking knee and proposing to him. But he didn't do any of those things. He just nodded, shattered, with sparkling tears brimming in his eyes.
"Yeah, I'm starting to realise that now," he said, trying to smile. He became serious again. "You know what? I'm done..."
Kyle blinked, the words echoed in his mind but refused to sink in. Unlike his heart, which was plummeting in his chest.
"Huh? Wh... what do you mean, you're done?" Kyle asked, voice growing bitter.
"I'm done." Eric shrugged, cruel. "I've been making a fool of myself trying to get you back, and it's exhausting. I'm tired of trying to get you, to win you over..." he looked into Kyle's eyes and softened again, earnest and broken. "I'm tired of trying to make you love me like I love you. You're right, it's not fair. To either of us."
Kyle was reeling, barely comprehending what was happening. He thought letting Eric go was the hardest thing he had ever done. He never anticipated just how painful it would be to let go of himself. But this was what he wanted, right? Why he broke up with Eric in the first place? He could see himself falling too deep with Eric, hurtling towards a future where he would be left humiliated and heartbroken. He had to put an end to it when he did, he had to move on. He had to get out. But is this what freedom was supposed to feel like? Why was he so desperate to escape when it felt so awful? He nodded, biting the inside of his cheek until it was sure to bleed. Anything to stop himself from sobbing.
"Okay..." he said, gulping down his watery words. "Fine..."
Eric nodded slowly in return. He tucked his hands into his pants' pockets and walked away. Kyle didn't say anything as he did, nor did he watch him walk away. He was frozen again, emptied of everything he thought he knew. Hollowed out, now that Eric was walking away from him for good. Only one little scrap of something was left, chirping like a bird in his chest.
A command.
A plea.
A hope.
Please don't do this.
He looked over his shoulder, his lips parted to speak, but Eric was gone. The empty garden blurred as a fresh round of tears sprung in his eyes. Kyle gritted his teeth, hating how much he had cried tonight. He buried his head in his hands and let himself sob. He then moved his hands into his hair, clutched his curls, and screamed.
Kyle is taking books out of his locker, with Eric by his side. A typical morning, but something feels different. The shiny floor feels fluffy beneath his feet, the classrooms, the students, the rows of lockers are watercolour smudges. In fact, Kyle's head feels like it's submerged in cotton candy, sugary and fake. Pleasant, nonetheless. He can't hear anything, see anything... except Eric. He's piercing light, splintering the edges, coming into focus. He's all Kyle wants to see, hear, smell, feel. His scent teases Kyle's nose, his body heat warms his skin. He's vivid, and beautiful, and right. He outshines all of Kyle's doubts. He's free to feel everything for Eric now. He wants to kiss him. Not in a desperate, surging way. Not in a way that impacts anything other than this feeling glowing in his chest. It's an instinct. Natural, peaceful... right. For the first time, Kyle feels safe to do this in front of everyone. Who cares if they see? They're insignificant. Background figures in a painting.
He reaches over and just like that their lips brush together, like aimless stars drifting through space. There's a familiar pressure, soft and warm. When they part, Eric is smiling, wide and content, but also like he expected the impromptu kiss.
Kyle mirrors his smile.
"I love you."
Kyle had spoken the words softly, but still they echo. Crisp and clear, those watercolour figures turn their heads like plants leaning towards the sun. Eric stares at Kyle for so long that it starts to make him feel uncomfortable. Control is fading fast, the longer his words are out in the world. Eric's face contorts. His smile broadens with malice, his eyes darken. He laughs manically, and the noise stabs at Kyle's heart. He winces, shrinks.
The laughs amplify. Suddenly, those watercolour figures are invading their tiny, ruined paradise. Features erupt on their expressionless faces. Mouths open wide as their cackles pour out, eyes glinting with twisted glee, well-worn laughter lines etched on their skin. They look familiar. People Kyle sits next to in class, has known since he was in kindergarten. He flinches, tries to shield himself from their laughter.
"Ha! Can you fucking believe it, guys?" Eric exclaims. His eyes are watering. "He actually fell for it! I knew I could pull it off!"
"Wh... what are you talking about?" Kyle asks. He doesn't know if he's strong enough to handle the answer.
Eric ignores him. He's not even looking at Kyle now. He's addressing his audience, and they're going wild.
"Alright, whoever put money on this, get your wallets out now!"
"Eric, what the hell is going on?!" Kyle cries. He deserves an explanation.
Eric sneers, and leans in closer. He's right in Kyle's face.
"It was a fucking joke, babe!" He grins, as if it was obvious. "All of it! The dates, the kisses, the feelings, all that crap... It was fake! Total bullshit! I just wanted to see how much you would buy it! I honestly thought you would've bailed by now. But you just kept letting me string you along, and now you love me? How fucking stupid are you?!"
He turns to the crowd to ask this. They laugh in uproarious agreement.
Kyle wants to sob, but the tears won't come out. There's the dull ache in his chest, the burning lump in his throat that he can't swallow, but he can't produce any tears. Still, he has to do something.
"How the hell could you do this to me?!" he screams.
He charges at Eric, tries to push him, but Eric is one step ahead of him. He moves away, and Kyle lands flat on his face. It doesn't hurt. Kyle would be numb to it anyway. The laughter is like a crippling storm now, and when Kyle raises his head he sees that even Stan and Kenny are laughing at him. No pity, no concern. Their laughter rings with 'I told you so.' He's all alone. He's at Eric's feet, and he's standing taller than Kyle has ever known him. He's looking at him as though he prefers Kyle this low to the ground, as if it's where he belongs. What he deserves, for being tricked so thoroughly.
"Aww, did you really think I would change, Kyle?" he teases. "That you could change me? Did you really think I cared about you? Sorry if I hurt your feelings, but one day you'll realise I taught you a valuable lesson. Trust your head, not your heart..." he bends over, to make sure Kyle hears what he has to say next. "And definitely do not trust me."
Kyle can't speak. He can't move. It feels like he's going to be lying there forever, defeated, and weak, and powerless. His heart starts to pound in his chest at the realisation. They'll never leave him alone. He'll never get over this. He'll never recover from Eric humiliating him and breaking his heart. It's beating so fast now that Kyle worries it might shatter. It's getting harder to breathe, and they won't go away. These people taking so much delight in his misery. But Eric is gone, and Kyle somehow knows he's gone forever. And it's sick and it's illogical, but Kyle wants him back. But how can he inflict this pain on himself, over and over again? Is it worth it? He can't do it. He can't let this happen. He can't he can't he can't-
Kyle woke up gasping for breath. His t-shirt, damp with sweat, clung to his back. His heart wasn't shattered, but was still hammering away at his chest. The sounds of his panting and his rapid heartbeat filled his quiet bedroom, and he grasped the sheets beneath him with shaking fingers to remind himself this was reality. He was free from that horrible, horrible nightmare. He sighed, one big lovely, calming breath.
The dream still stirred in him though. He had told Eric he loved him. He had never said that aloud. Before the dream he wasn't entirely sure he did love Eric yet. Of course he was attracted to him, cared about him, loved every moment spent with him... but he thought he wasn't brave enough to love him yet. Maybe he wasn't, if it led to such terrifying dreams? But before all the horror, the words had rolled off Kyle's tongue with ease. He had wanted Eric to know. But Eric's reaction was what Kyle had feared all along. Was this real? Was Eric genuine? How completely could Kyle trust him? Or was he setting himself up for broken trust, and a broken heart? He had tried to write these off as rational, the side-effect of increasingly growing feelings. But in his subconscious they were growing like weeds. Kyle didn't believe in psychics, but he couldn't deny the air of premonition in his dream.
Kyle wouldn't sleep until he knew for sure. He picked up his phone, wanting to call Eric, to hear his voice and his reassurances. But he couldn't do it. He placed his phone back on his nightstand, and threw the covers over himself just like he did when he woke up from a nightmare as a kid. He laid wake awake all night, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do now.
Kyle didn't speak to Luke for the rest of the night, didn't speak to anyone in fact. Any attempt at conversation was drowned out by the argument he had with Eric circling his head. Kyle finding out about Jeremy, screaming at Eric, Eric calling him out, Eric walking away from him... it was a crushing cycle that wouldn't let up. Luke didn't seem to mind, and Kyle was unsure if relief was the right emotion. How much had he screwed up if his boyfriend didn't want to talk to him? Eric was right, Kyle knew that. Bringing Luke here was a bad idea, asking him out in the first place wasn't such a great idea either. Eric's perception scared him though. He just knew Kyle too well. Maybe they did belong together...
Kyle nursed only one drink for the rest of the night, and didn't even finish it. He just faded into the party while Luke made conversations with people he barely knew. Luke had told him he wanted to go home and he nodded gladly. Although bringing Luke back to his house felt like only granting half of Luke's wish. If Luke could be anywhere, Kyle thought, it would be far away from South Park. Maybe even far away from him.
They undressed in silence, not even looking at each other. No sleepy conversation, no flirtation, no kisses, or wandering hands. There really hadn't been any of that since the first night Luke got here. Luke had been so naive, and happy to see him, and Kyle had wanted to prove to himself that he had made the right decisions all along.
As Kyle pulled an old t-shirt over his head, he heard an unfamiliar squishing sound. Turning his head, he noticed that Luke was settling down on the air bed. Panic raced through Kyle, those thinning, misguided 'right' decisions disappearing before his eyes. Without Luke beside him, he felt anchored to nothing.
"What are you doing?" he asked, not caring how it sounded.
Luke shrugged, as if this was a totally normal development.
"Going to bed?"
Kyle took a step forward, but stopped himself from getting any closer to Luke. After all, he didn't want to show just how big of a deal this was. He fidgeted though, antsy.
"Yeah, but... d-d-don't you want to sleep with me?"
Luke sighed, fiddled with the corner of the duvet.
"Not really..." he murmured, avoiding Kyle's eyes.
Luke's rejection hit Kyle harder than any punch, and he wanted to curl up from the force of it. Instead, he climbed into his own bed and shuffled towards Luke.
"Listen, Luke, I know tonight wasn't great, and I'm so sorry-"
"You know, I've lost track of how many times you've apologised to me since I got here!" Luke snapped.
Kyle blinked, stunned. Luke never snapped, never lost his temper. His incredulity swallowed his surprise, however.
"Well, what do you want me to do?" he asked.
"Stop apologising to me! Stop upsetting me! Quit saying you're gonna change things, and promise that things will be better, when everything just seems to be getting worse!"
"I'm trying, Luke!"
Luke sighed, shoulders slumping.
"Are you?" he asked, frowning. "It really doesn't seem like it, Kyle."
Kyle flushed, hating how transparent his efforts supposedly were. First, Eric had called him out, and now Luke? Unlike Eric though, Luke seemed to wince at the severity of his words.
"I... I know how hard it was for you to come back home," he added. "And when you invited me here... I agreed because I thought me being here would make things easier for you. But if anything... it's made things worse. Clearly, it wasn't a good idea. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling, Kyle, and I've tried being patient, and optimistic, and understanding, but I'm so tired. I just wanna be upset, can you let me have that?"
Kyle had no clue what to say. He couldn't refuse Luke's exhausted, pleading face. But how could he let Luke wallow like that? Surely it was his job to make him feel better? He had been failing this week, but he really wanted to make things... right. He just didn't know how. If Luke really believed this was the best thing to do right now then... surely Kyle should just go with it?
"I... I-I-I guess, but... God, Luke, I just feel awful!" he replied, desperate for some kind of compromise. "You can at least sleep in my bed and I'll-"
"It's fine..." Luke muttered, already turning over.
"But, Luke-"
"Kyle!" Luke snapped, looking over his shoulder. "It's fine. Good night..."
Kyle sighed, relenting.
"Good night..." he replied, before switching off the lamp.