Author's Notes: I continue to be eternally grateful for you who take the time to make suggestions, ask me questions and send me kind words of encouragement. Big welcome to the new readers!
Whoever gets the 100th review, I hope you are logged in to receive a PM from me. I'll contact you shortly to ask what kind of one-shot you'd like. Making no guarantees though, but I'll do my best to write about whatever Loki-related issue you want. If it's a anonymous review, I'll just write something that pops into my head. This chapter is the longest so far - I couldn't find a good place to cut it, and the last one was a bit short anyway. Hope this makes up for it. First posted 27 November 2012.
Music: "Moonlight" by MONO, "Who you gonna run to now?" by Solid Gold and "Tristia" by Hammock.
Chapter 9: Night in the Forest
I keep my wings strapped back
I keep my heart in a jar
You ain't ready for me
You say you'll keep your catch
Your fingers crossed in the dark
You're all touch and go
Don't wanna be
Your traps they close too slow
-Gayngs, "Faded High"
Jane tried to move. She had no idea how long she had been lying with her face in the moss crying, but she had no more tears to cry and she was sore from tensing her body.
Sobs still rose from her throat now and then, but she could think again. She knew she was in shock, and she was a little surprised how violently her body had reacted once she had turned to run away from the Bifrost. She had never before experienced a physical reaction like that, but then again, she had never before experienced to be stranded in a different world – literally – with the knowledge that her mentor, co-worker and the closest thing she had ever had to a father was in all likelihood dead. And it was her fault. She never should have involved him.
She would probably have been dead in his stead, right now she wished that had been the case. It would have been better than this agony and guilt.
Although she wanted to ignore it, her bodily needs were beginning to become rather persistent. Her stomach protested against the lengthy lack of food. And she was cold. Her clothes were wet from lying in the damp moss, and she remembered she hadn't eaten since that morning. Jane had no perception of time anymore, but she knew it had to be well into the night.
Of course, she could stand up on her feet and walk back to the palace. After all, it wouldn't be a very long walk. But she could not bear the thought to face any of the Æse right now.
Oh, they were kind and understanding and they would support and help her, she knew that. That was part of the problem. They would overwhelm her with kindness and sad looks, and she wouldn't feel like a guest anymore, but a refugee. She couldn't face it.
In the morning, she thought. Maybe in the morning, she would return to them and be strong and figure something out together with them.
But for the time being she just felt like being alone, trying to work out the chaotic mess of feelings and angst twirling inside her head before she could act like an independent and strong human being again. She didn't want them to see her so weak. Because she really wasn't – she had enough self-insight and self-respect to know that very well.
She slowly got up on her feet, ignoring the cracking sounds from her legs and back protesting after having being bent in the same position for so long. Gradually, she took in her surroundings. Huge trees, so big they reminded her of Redwood trees loomed around and over her. There were wild rose bushes growing in between the many trunks of the trees, and it was quite dark, so she couldn't see far. The trees were blocking out most of the night sky, but here and there moonlight and the light from the stars came through the leaves. The ground was covered in moss and grass, and she moved over to a patch of grass since it was drier than the moss.
It was very quiet around her, just a soft rustle of leaves high up above her. It was like the forest was soothing her. Some of the trees were bent and crooked, probably after stretching to reach the sunlight after hundreds of years of growing. They bent towards her, making that particular spot feel almost cave-like. Jane felt she was in a cradle of trees. She felt unbelievable safe and comfortable there, now that the worst of her panic had drizzled out of her body.
She all but crawled over to one of the bent trees and leaned against it, finding a comfortable position. There was nothing to eat there, except for leaves perhaps, but Jane couldn't think about eating right now anyway. She was so tired. She wanted to sleep forever, forget everything and stay there until she became a part of the forest floor, disappeared into the moss and grass and earth beneath her. Then, she vaguely thought, she would become one with this enchanted forest, and never have to feel anything but joy over the sunlight and the chirping birds, and she would grow into a tall tree, and let the wind rustle through her leaves during a warm summer day.
Jane Foster closed her eyes and slept.
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Loki stopped in the courtyard outside the gate of the maze and closed his eyes. He focused his thoughts on the mortal woman, willing himself and the enchanted gardens in front of him to seek her out.
When he opened his eyes, the gate to the maze was gone. He recognized the new entrance, and raised his eyebrows questioningly. Had she really found her way into the ancient forest? Not even many Æse had found that, let alone visiting mortals. It was as old as Åsgard itself and had a will of its own. Loki had always had the impression that the forest preferred to be left alone. It was certainly not a place to take a casual Sunday stroll in. Loki had been "accepted" as a visitor a handful of times, when he wanted to be left alone to think without being disturbed by anyone. He had never encountered anyone else while being there; the forest took its guests privacy seriously.
If Jane was hiding in there, and the forest allowed him to come in and look for her, it could mean that she was in trouble. He felt an unexpected pang of worry for her, and walked through the entrance.
As he moved swiftly but quietly among the trees and undergrowth, he wondered when he had begun to care for her safety. He was a god in the eyes of mortals; the heir to Jotunheim – not that he wanted it – he had powers beyond most magicians and was extremely intelligent. There was no conceivable reason why he should give even the slightest damn about Thor's mortal playmate, or whatever she was to him.
Yet he did, though he was hard-pressed to admit it. Something in him had softened, like in his brother when he first met her. The realization made him angry – he could not afford to become soft. Not if Thanos was coming after him, and Loki was sure it was just a matter of time before he did. Besides, the last time he had cared for someone, really cared for someone, it had ended with rejection. At least that was what it had felt like, hanging off of the broken Bifrost.
"No, Loki."
Those two simple words from Odin – not even spoken in anger – had broken his heart. So instead of healing his heart, he had hid it behind a wall of impenetrable convictions; he was alone and always would be, and loving and caring was the same as weakness. It had worked fine to, until his mother began to gently tear the wall down by accepting him back as her son.
Apparently his irrational flush of feelings lately had expanded to include Jane. It must have been because of their meeting in the maze the day before. Somehow, being able to relax in her presence had impacted him. Well, it was just a fluke. So much had been said since he came back, he was bound to need a little time to adjust. He didn't feel like he did after his fall and he supposed that was a good thing in the long run – but he was not going back to the way he was before either: Insecure, sitting around in Thor's shadow, pleading for his father's love. Those days were gone too. Loki was becoming; what, he did not yet know. He only hoped he would come out on the other side stronger and smarter than before.
His existential reflections were interrupted by tripping on a gnarly root. Impossible, he thought. He did not trip. He looked around annoyed, and suddenly realized he had been about to walk right past the small sleeping form of Jane Foster – huddled up in a knot against a bent tree, with her arms hugging herself tightly. Coincidence? I think not, Loki thought. He had to smile to himself, and hunched down to give the root a gentle tap with his hand. He leaned over, still crouching, and looked at Jane. She seemed to be asleep, but she was very pale and didn't move at all.
She almost looked peaceful, except for a little pout. At least she wasn't in any physical pain.
Now, able to observe her without her knowing, he studied her face carefully. Her face was grimed with dirt and tears and her hair was tangled and had tiny pieces of moss in it. Her jeans and red sweater looked like they had seen better days. But she was fascinating none the less. He could not explain it, and he felt anger mix in over being fascinated by her in the first place. But ever since he had laid eyes on her in the S.H.I.E.L.D. bunkers, and recently during their confrontation in the maze, he felt drawn to her. The words "breath of life" jolted into his memory. He had not forgotten. He was good at solving puzzles.
His heart beating little faster, Loki leaned even closer and carefully put two fingers on her neck, searching for signs of life. Her skin was warm, and she definitely had a pulse, beating slowly but regularly against his fingertips. He noticed her eyes flutter, and withdrew his hand. She mumbled something incoherent and shifted a little to the other side, towards him. Loki held his breath.
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Jane was dreaming. She was back in Puente Antiguo, saying good-bye to Thor. She watched him disappear up towards the sky that held so many questions and so many answers. She willed him to come back, but he never did. Erik and Darcy comforted her, but they soon forgot. She continued her life, but she always hoped he would return for her like he had promised. The dream changed.
She was sinking slowly in a vast sea of green moss. She didn't mind at all; it was warm and soft and there was not a worry in the world. It did not bother her that she was in fact drowning slowly – she had already let go a long time ago. The sky was a brilliant green, not a cloud in sight. She closed her eyes and sighing contentedly, she stretched her body out. It was like lying on a water bed, and she enjoyed the warm fuzzy feeling that spread around inside her body. Suddenly it grew colder. It felt unpleasant and she opened her eyes. Far in the distance, the sky changed colour. It grew darker and dark clouds were coming her way. A shiver ran through her body, starting from the neck, just under her left ear.
She tried to get up, but the moss stuck to her skin and kept her in place, still sinking. Jane began to struggle, but it was useless. Then the dream changed again. She was half-sitting, half-lying against something hard, and when she opened her eyes, it was almost dark. She saw a familiar figure sitting crouched down in front of her, looking intently at her. Green eyes were twinkling in the twilight.
She tried to speak, but it sounded strangely muffled to her.
"What are you doing here?"
The figure in front of her sat completely still. His voice carried over to her in a low whisper.
"Are you well?"
She tried to laugh, but she remembered that she shouldn't laugh. She had no right to, ever again – but she couldn't quite remember why, at the moment.
"Why do you care? You who tried to take everything from us? You're evil." she told the diffuse shape, her voice almost child-like.
"Who said I care?" the shape replied, his voice a notch colder than it had been seconds ago.
She had angered him. She regretted her rudeness instantly, but then again, this was just another weird dream. She would wake up in her trailer soon, and thank god for that.
"No one. Why would you care, of all people?" she said, her voice a little sad and tired.
"…what I think is not important. There are, however, people who are worried about you." he told her, and Jane frowned.
"Who? Erik and Darcy? Have you seen them?" Jane asked him. It had to be them; she didn't really have anyone else anymore.
"Erik and…no, Jane. Frigg and Thor among others. Are you sure you are well?" The voice sounded surprised, taken aback. She wondered why.
"Thor is just a…is he here? He left, I think." Jane said, more to herself than to Loki.
"I'd like to wake up now. So many weird dreams lately." She continued. "So weird…and you're all wrong. You shouldn't be here." Her voice faltered.
"Jane, I brought you something from…-"
Jane fell asleep again.
Loki was thoroughly worried now. She was either hallucinating or suffering from memory loss. He had to bring her back to the palace, back to the healers. He stood up and bent down to pick her up when a violent roar picked up from the wind blowing through the leaves and stopped him in his track.
Now that is curious, he thought. The forest was protesting against him taking Jane away.
He stood up again, his fists clenched at his sides.
"Why?" he asked.
There was no reply, but when he repeated his movement to pick her up, it happened again. This time a small branch broke off and hit his arm. Loki had respect for his world and especially for the magic within the old parts of the Kingdom, so he gave up.
He considered his options; and instead of having to go back to Frigg and tell her he had left her alone in the woods in possible peril, he sighed heavily and sat down next to Jane. He opened the bundle and tossed the blanket over her. At least she wouldn't freeze to death during the remainder of the night.
"You better have a good reason for making me babysit mortals." He said into the darkness as he leaned back against a tree.
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Jane woke up of the sound of blissful, calm silence. She stretched and yawned – it took a few moments to realize where she was and why she was there. She felt heavy; it was difficult to move her limbs after the previous day. There was a blanket wrapped around her; Jane was very certain she had not brought one. She looked around suspiciously, and saw no one. Instead she noticed a small pile of food, and her stomach growled eagerly. She dismissed the blanket as another weird act of magic – it wouldn't be the first time here, after all – and began to eat.
Some meters away, hidden behind trees and bushes, Loki saw her wake up and begin to eat. He had moved away from her when she stirred, not wanting to reveal he had watched over her during the night. She seemed better, at least she was eating. He saw no signs of the previous night's delusion; maybe she had been sleep-talking during their brief conversation earlier.
Quiet as a feather hitting the ground, he retreated away from her and left.
While she ate, Jane thought about the last dream she had had. It had felt so real, knowing she was dreaming but suspecting she was awake. She had dreamed about Loki talking to her, not Thor – that was weird. Why would the "terror of her world" appear when she had wanted her good friend? But everything about that dream had been off; she had thought Erik and Darcy were nearby, and she had not believed she was on Åsgard at all, even in the dream she had imagined that she was on Earth. It's a strange world when the truth is weirder than the dream you have, she thought.
Loki's eyes had glittered towards her, as if he could see in the darkness. Cat-like eyes, glowing green in the dark.
They had glittered green…Jane gasped. They had been green! She was sure of it, she had noticed how deep green they were; a completely different colour from the first time she had seen him. And he had been kind to her. But it was a dream, so anything could go, she supposed.
But if it had been a dream… She remembered what Thor had said about Loki being under the influence of the glowing blue staff he had while on Earth. She had seen it herself, his eyes had been mostly blue. So why were Loki's eyes back to green – how could anyone's eyes be so intensely green anyway? – in her dream, when dreaming about something from a while back? Chewing slowly on a delicious piece of bread, she suspected she was dwelling on these thoughts to avoid thinking about her current situation. It was quite comical, really, hiding in the forest like a child instead of dealing – except she didn't find her situation funny. She would have to go back to reality soon.
"What do you think, forest? Can't hide forever, can I?" she muttered. She was no longer hungry, and put the bread down.
The forest hummed reassuringly, and she was barely surprised it had a…what exactly? A conscience? A brain? She could never quite figure out how this magic worked. It was alive, sure, but forests on Earth were alive too, without them humming in response to someone talking to themselves.
"I guess I don't understand any of this. But maybe it doesn't matter. You're on my side anyway, aren't you?" Oh great, she had now come to the point where she talked to forests.
And the forest hummed back to her. Crazy coming up, freshly served! she thought.
"I'll go back later today. But if it sucks, I'll come back here and camp out again – if that's ok with you." She continued her little conversation, and was pleased when the forest made another comforting-sounding hum in response. She could always come back – and she would.
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"She what? And you, you…what?" Thor looked as if the sky was about to fall down on him. Siv gently elbowed him.
"Thor, close your mouth. You heard what he said." She told him.
"I just, I do not…I cannot…why won't she come back?" Thor stuttered.
Loki resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He didn't have any right to, he didn't understand it either. He was in the dining hall with Odin, Frigg, Thor and Siv and the Warriors Three. Eventually he had had to tell them that Jane was ok, and how he knew she was. The Warriors Three looked at him with suspicion but also respect. Supposedly it had been an honourable thing, to babysit Jane. To them it was, at least. And his mother…he wouldn't even look at her, she was giving him a soft, knowing smile he neither understood nor wanted to understand.
"It is a curious being, that forest." Odin said. "It has a strong will, and is not to be trifled with. The good thing is that it is absolutely loyal to Åsgard, and has never let harm befall any of its …temporary residents."
"Loki, you have to go back to her! If you are the only one who can find her, and believe me I have tried, you have to go to her and see if she is ok." Thor urged.
"Have I not done enough? I was there the whole night and she seemed fine this morning!" Loki replied, a slight snarl to his voice. All this fuss was annoying him. He was far from anyone's guardian angel, and he hated to be treated as such. There were too many people here, too many eyes on him.
"Loki, kjæraste son min, you have done more than enough – and I am proud of you. But Thor has a point. She should be told – while she is conscious and awake – that she is more than welcome back to us. There is no reason for her to suffer in solitude." Frigg told him, so quietly only he and Odin could hear her.
Loki sighed silently. Damn that woman, he could never resist her unbending faith in him.
"You all need to give her time. She is in shock – if you attack her with your…understanding when she returns, she may well run away again." He told them, giving them a telling look.
Everyone went silent and avoided looking at him. Thor nodded. Without another word, Loki turned around and left, glad to get away from their silent approval of him. He did not want it.
He walked through the palace to another, less known entrance to the gardens. As he opened the wooden door, he saw instantly that he was once again in the ancient forest.
"Perfection." He muttered sullenly to himself. It would appear that neither the forest nor his peers would let him escape the mortal for more than a few hours. He walked, relaxing a little as he breathed in the scent of moss and leaves, with only the wind in the trees as his company.
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Jane had decided to go back, although she didn't really want to. But the worst shock had passed, and she longed for a shower and a change of clothes. She better go tell Thor she was alive too, she supposed. She wasn't sure why seeing him or anyone else seemed like such an ordeal, but once she had it over with she fully intended to return to the woods for more isolation. This place soothed her, and she already thought of it as a dear friend. She lay in the grass, staring at the sunlight falling in between the treetops, postponing her return until she absolutely had to. It wasn't going to get dark in a few hours yet, so she had time.
Suddenly a face blocked the sun, staring down at her. She had not heard a thing, and made a sound of surprise as she turned around on her belly and jumped up to her feet.
Only a meter or so away from her, towering over her, was Loki.
"Holy crap why do you always sneak up on me like that?!" she yelled, surprised and startled.
Loki crossed his arms in front of him. "Always? It has happened twice, as I recall." he said nonchalantly.
Jane sat heavily back down on the ground, not bothering to reply – he was right, but she had no intention of giving him that confirmation.
"Whatever. What are you doing here?" she asked him, staring at his boots.
Loki sat down on his heels, giving her an honest and serious look which made her strangely uneasy.
"They are worried about you, like I said. They wish for you to come back to the palace." he told her.
"Uhm, why doesn't Thor come and tell me himself?" she asked. Something was nagging in the back of her head.
"He cannot find you. The forest is hiding you." Loki said, with a smirk that suggested smugness.
"It is? Hah! I knew I liked you, forest!" she looked up, and grinned when the forest hummed back.
Loki was baffled. She talked to it. And apparently, in its own way, it talked back to her. Suddenly he noticed Jane's face going white, then red.
"Loki? You said…you said 'They are worried about you, like I said.' What did you mean by that?" She looked embarrassed, meeting his eyes for a second before they darted away again.
"I was here last night. I gave you the bundle of blankets and food." he said, choosing to appear amused rather than awkward, which was what he really felt.
"Oh god." she breathed. "I thought it was a dream…" she continued, more to herself than to him.
Loki stood quiet, not knowing what to say to her.
"I'm sorry I was rude to you." Jane finally said, looking at him.
"That hardly matters. You were not fully awake." he replied, feeling strange. Why was she apologizing to him? He did not often receive apologies, and he could think of several persons who had more reason to give him one than she did.
"None the less, I apologize. It was uncalled for." she told him genuinely.
"Jane. If you insist on apologizing for something you could not control, come back with me and tell them you are alive and well so I can get some peace and quiet." Loki sighed. He wouldn't mind to get a couple of days alone in these woods himself. He needed to think about the orb, his lack of magic and how to prevent intruders getting into Åsgard. He could not do that as long as he was pestered with running back and forth between Jane and the Æse.
"Of course, I will," she said quickly. "But I'll come back here as soon as I've shown them I'm alive." she continued, a little defiantly.
He looked at her. She seemed fine, sane and not as shell-shocked as she had been just a night ago. She seemed almost her own self again.
"That is up to you." He told her, and almost smiled when she smiled in relief. What did she think; that they would tie her up and drown her in their worry and sympathy?
Maybe she knew them better than he had imagined, he thought wryly.
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The walk back was done in silence. She followed him a little sullenly, clutching the bundle Frigg had sent her. When they reached the palace, he showed her the way to her own room so she could freshen up before meeting the others again. She gave him a grateful nod before closing the door. Loki promptly walked to the dining hall where Frigg, Odin and Thor still were.
"She is back. It was not easy, I had to hold her down and drag her back kicking and screaming." He told them laconically, his face blank.
"YOU DID WHAT?" Thor yelled, making a move towards the Prince of Mischief.
"Thor! He is jesting!" Frigg cut in, moving in between them before anything happened. "Honestly Thor. You never seem to learn." She scolded him.
Loki sent Thor a big teasing smile and Thor scowled back.
"It was not funny." Thor said, to which Loki rolled his eyes.
"You are right, it was not." Frigg said and turned frowning to Loki. "And you should know better than to tease your brother like that!" she said sternly, but with a hint of a smile in the corner of her mouth.
Loki suddenly realized what this reminded him of; their childhood banter. When they had been young, they had jested and teased one another like that all the time. And he had initiated it, to Frigg's immense joy. The smile faded from his face and he furrowed his brow.
"I am leaving. The mortal is in her room, she will come here when she is ready." he told them, and fled before Frigg could convince him to stay and continue to play brother with Thor.
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Jane came to them with her head hung low. She sat down on the other side of the table, resting her arms on the hard wood. Thor resisted the urge to walk around to her, but trembled with the effort. Frigg laid a hand on his shoulder, gripping it tightly.
"I'm sorry for running away like that. It was childish and rude, and I beg you to forgive me if I offended any of you." Jane told them, still looking down.
"Oh dearest child. You have not offended anyone; we have just been worried about you. We know you are in pain, and we only want to help you." Frigg told her gently.
"Jane, you do as you please – you know what is best for you in this…situation. If you need to be alone, you have our blessing. If you need to be with friends, you have that too. I just thought you should know that." Thor said.
Jane looked at him. "Thank you." Her voice broke as she continued.
"But what I need is to go home and find Erik ok and up and running. That's what I need." If I can't have that, I just…I need a little time to think and settle. I don't suppose there is any way for me to go home, is there?" she said, looking at Odin.
"No, I regret to tell you that there is not. We shall repair the Bifrost in time, but we have more pressing matters now, something that could affect all of us." Odin said. Jane widened her eyes slightly. Something bad was happening, she could see it in their faces.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
AN: Short language lesson: I already translated this, but "kjæraste son min" means "my beloved son". The language is Nynorsk (New Norwegian). In Norway we have two official written languages (three if you count the Sami language), both are Norwegian but while Bokmål (Dano-Norwegian), which the majority writes, is closer to Danish, New Norwegian is slightly closer to Norse and Icelandic. Both in vocabulary and grammar. From time to time I will use New Norwegian in dialogue between the Æse (=Asgardians), but I will always translate at the bottom of the chapter unless I've already used it in a previous chapter. So if I write something and there is no translation, go back a couple of chapters to check the "Author's Notes".
Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy and review!