The Confession
Emma woke with a start, flying upward before doubling over, clutching her ribs. Oh god. It was only a ghost of the pain and yet it was so strong.
She stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom.
Nothing on her ribs.
If there was constantly nothing wrong with her ribs, why did they feel as though they had just been kicked in? - again.
Emma washed her face to clear away the last bit of exhausting sleep. She was hungover and bleary as if she were the one who had consumed her weight in beer the night before.
No need to ask where the flashback dreams had come from. They had come last time Hanna…
Hanna was still asleep, snoring loudly and because she didn't know what else to do or how else to handle the situation Emma pulled on her running clothes and left for a run through the neighborhood.
She couldn't lie sleepless next to Hanna for another second. She had considered sleeping downstairs the night before. She had tiptoed from the bathroom after a while to find that there was no way to sleep in the bed without some part of her touching Hanna – which she was loath to do. She had only chosen to stay in her room because if her mother woke before her, she knew she would have to explain and she didn't want to explain.
Instead, she spent most of the night tossing and turning, trying to decide if what Hanna had done could be excused because she had been drunk or if what was not excusable was the fact that she was drunk. She spent hours studying the versions of Hanna she knew; the sweet and gentle lover who used to make her feel so warm inside, the party girl who was a blast to go out with and who knew how to make her laugh, the workaholic who might have been gone a lot but was careful to keep a very nice and fairly expensive roof over their head - and the one who drank and then...hurt her. Was this to be excused? Was this like that time? No. She didn't' think so.
Still there were only two cardinal rules in relationships as far as Emma was concerned: Don't cheat and don't inflict physical or mental damage. One of those rules had been broken last night. She knew what she should do. She should find the biggest and burliest man in town to take Hanna to the town line and throw her ass over – only – Hanna had been very drunk, a different person. Was the answer that Hanna simply needed to stop drinking rather than be kicked to the curb? How could she know? She knew if she asked her mother or Regina they would say it was a black and white issue; only - it wasn't. People with her background knew that it wasn't always black and white. Sometimes heroes did terrible things once or twice before taking up the challenge of being a hero; sometimes villains had pure hearts. She knew that no one could be judged from one situation…they had to be judged as a whole...which meant that sometimes good people who deserved a wife and a happy life did things they shouldn't...especially when drinking. Besides, Emma reminded herself, you never give up on those who love you.
The morning was unseasonably warm, yet she had worn long sleeves. She had been right. There were bruises. That wasn't the worst thing ever, she could hide a bruise, no matter how big...she had done it a few times before and the weather was perfect for it. She had also found that she had an angry tennis ball sized welt on the side of her knee this morning while she was getting dressed. It was difficult to remember but she thought that when Hanna had pulled on her she had run into the corner of the dresser or was it the bed frame? Each time her step came down during her run the associated knee felt as though it would give out, bruised down into the muscle. She had also found that she had a delightful three-inch long, two inch wide ever darkening shadow up by her shoulder where Hanna had drunkenly socked her.
Three. Three bruises from one night.
She didn't know what to do.
So she listened to the slap – slap - slap - slap of her feet hitting the road, letting it beat out all thoughts. She had this strange hazy feeling in her mind. It wasn't depression; that wouldn't be the correct term for it. It was almost as if there was a downy layer of cotton between her emotions and her internal receptors.
Somehow her mind had gone numb.
She knew this should alarm her, but she couldn't seem to find the correct concern. Besides, the numbness felt comforting and somehow easier than the alternative. It was the feeling that had gotten her through her father's death and today she welcomed it back with open arms. Anything so she didn't have to think about this shit; so she didn't have to analyze what the hell it meant – so she didn't have to think about her wedding that was looming ever closer or the fact that Hanna probably needed to put down the alcohol for a while.
When she arrived back home, Hanna was sitting in the kitchen with Mary, looking queasy.
Emma stopped in her tracks, frozen with her water bottle halfway to her lips, unsure of what to do now. She had expected to run into Hanna upstairs where they would be alone or perhaps for her to still be asleep. Hanna always slept late after drinking heavily. She didn't know how to behave when Hanna sat there looking as if she hated herself under her mother's watchful eye.
Reflexively Emma pulled her shirtsleeve down just a little further.
"I'm sorry." Hanna said simply but vehemently.
Mary chuckled, "Yes, it sounds like I missed a fun night."
Emma just stared at them. Hanna couldn't have told her mother. If she had told her mother there was no way that Hanna would still be breathing, let alone sitting in the kitchen. She would have called Graham and Emma's eighth-grade boyfriend would be currently watching over Hanna as she packed so he could throw her out.
"I'm so sorry, Emma. I don't know what happened. I got this call from my boss giving me a hard time, so I had a few beers and next thing I knew...I'm sorry. It was a mistake."
"You're terrible when you drink, right?" Emma asked in spite of her mother's' watchful eyes.
Mary frowned, clearly disproving of Emma yelling at someone in such a pathetic state. "I have to go to yoga, girls. I'll see you later." Mary grabbed her wrist, pulling her a few feet back. Emma paled, trying not to yell out in pain. "Emma, honey. We did not raise you to kick someone when they are down. Whatever she did last night it was probably a mistake and she feels very bad about it. Marriage means being able to work it out."
Emma had nothing to say but felt her jaw working; swallowing, always swallowing things back these days. She nodded and her mother released her.
Emma warred with herself. Should she sit? She didn't want to talk. She wasn't sure how she would feel sitting across from Hanna.
Hanna's sick face pleaded up at her; so slowly she sank into the chair, watching the woman and examining her feelings. She was surprised to see that she wasn't afraid or nervous being next to Hanna as she had been after the first time. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that sober Hanna would never do what drunken Hanna had done - twice - ish. They were two different people.
She sat awkwardly in the chair, arm hidden under the table and waited patiently for Mary to leave. When she was sure Mary was gone she exposed her arm, with a thump onto the table that she instantly regretted.
Hanna sighed in evident deep relief, "Oh thank god, I thought I had broken it. When you weren't here I thought that you had gone to Regina."
Emma stared, open-mouthed. Would it be right if she reached across and hit her? Two wrongs don't make a right, but perhaps Hanna needed some sense smacked into her, perhaps a resounding round of shockabuku.
Hanna backtracked, "Oh no, no, I don't mean this is good. Oh god, no." She wrung her hands her eyes beginning to sparkle with broken tears. "God no. I just thought I had done…worse." She gently touched the forming bruises; the large black splat of the thumb mark and the four little antennae that formed the perfect handprint. "I also have one on my knee and one on my shoulder from where you fucking punched me."
Pathetically, Hanna began to cry. Her head fell forward onto Emma's sore arm, washing it with her tears and she began to mournfully kiss the skin. "Oh, I hate myself so much! I can't believe that I am this person. I'm so sorry Emma. I'm so sorry. I can't fucking believe myself. God."
Hanna's clear detest for herself broke down some of Emma's walls, swirling the numb that still fogged her feelings. She couldn't stand her touch anymore and not so gently pulled her arm out of her hands. "You fucking marked me – and not some hot but weird sex marks either. Your handprint is on my fucking arm, Hanna."
"I know!" She wailed her head falling to the table, her back and shoulders jerking harshly as she sobbed. "I'm such a shit. I'm a shitty person. Emma, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
Hanna fell silent, glaring at the bruise, which had been growing in darkness all morning, with hate filled eyes. Emma watched her face. She truly hates herself, Emma realized. She hates herself for this. Last time she was just confused. She didn't hate herself. This time she sees.
"What did you mean when you said you didn't mean for it to be that bad?"
"What?"
"Last night. After you let go of me, I asked you if you had known you were doing it. You fucking said, 'Yeah, but I didn't mean for it to be that bad'."
Hanna's face contorted, agony dripping from it, "I didn't remember that. Oh god, I think I was joking around with you but I don't know. Oh god, that's terrible. That's so terrible." Suddenly Hanna's face cleared, realization sharp and tortuous, "You need to leave me."
"What?"
"You need to pack your shit and go."
Emma waited for something to show in Hanna's features, some hint of what she was really feeling but all that was there was a dumbfounded shock. "Are you really telling me that I should leave? That's it? Cancel the wedding. Tell everyone that we broke up. What would we tell them? Oh, I'm sorry, we were going to get married but Hanna is a violent asshole? Because we would need to tell them something, Hanna, you get that, right? My mother alone wouldn't stand for it without some type of answer!"
"I don't know." Hanna looked like she was going to throw up again.
"I don't know if that's the answer."
"Then what can I do? What can I do to make this better? Please, Emma!"
"You need to stop drinking."
Hanna looked for a moment as if she had been hit. Hanna loved drinking. It was her favorite past time, but hearing the words out loud Emma knew that they were true. Hanna needed to stop drinking, or at least she needed to stop drinking as much. It was dangerous.
It was a long while before Hanna nodded, "Okay. You're right. Okay, I can do that."
Emma searched the words but found no trace of hesitancy.
The talk didn't end there. They went in circles repeating themselves until they were hoarse, talking it through from every angle more than once. Each time there were two results; Hanna insisting she should leave her and then a decision to stop drinking.
It took another two hours before both felt resolved and at ease, sure this plan would work.
"Alright, but when we see Regina again, you need to apologize. You were all over her last night."
Hanna promised and Emma tried her best not to think of the angry hurt words Regina had spit at her, 'Three months after me, huh Em?'
Emma and Hanna spent the remainder of the two days before Hanna left focusing on their relationship. Hanna was a prize version of herself, kind and sweet to both Emma and Mary. She cooked them dinner, she went on walks with them in the evenings and showered both with sweet words and affection. Mary was glowing but Emma wasn't sure.
Hanna had insisted that they should take Regina and Ruby out for dinner as an apology, but Emma declined, not sure she could stir the pot anymore.
Emma had planned to stay angry, her long sleeve shirts and sore body a wonderful reminder but holding her anger was impossible with Hanna's sticky sweet behavior. It was as if she was seeing her Hanna for the first time since she had left New Orleans. By Thursday she had willingly let Hanna make love to her and was sad to see her go.
Still all through the trip, try as she might, Emma couldn't shake the numbness. It was as if the world was in shades of gray tone and though the softening of some of her feelings had been a blessing at first, she worried that the blessing hadn't yet ended.
"When are you coming back?"
Hanna chuckled, rubbing Emma's back "I have that meeting in Boston, remember? I will be here for your birthday, I'll go do that then come back for Thanksgiving, just like we had planned before."
Emma took her to the airport the next morning unsure of how to say goodbye. She had no idea if giving Hanna another chance was the right thing to do but her worry felt far away. Try as she might she couldn't get herself upset enough to continue her anger. She was just – numb, blank and tired.
Regina called to see how she was later that day and to be sure Emma was still willing to come to her house for dinner that night. Emma agreed nervously; she had been distracted enough post drunken mistake not to worry about the visit, but now after Hanna was safely at the airport it lingered in front of her menacingly. Regina had been very vague about what she had planned when Emma prodded and this fact made her jittery as if her morning coffee had been too strong.
Could she handle more? Could she handle more shit on top of everything else? She wasn't positive, but she was sure that she didn't have a lot of choices. She knew this was not something she could or should cancel.
This would be the first time that she would be completely alone with Regina since she had yelled at her in her dining room; the first time she would see her at all since Hanna had pulled her disgusting horn dog tricks.
To top it off Emma, feeling guilty and dirty, seemed to find herself often thinking of the moment that she and Regina had together the night of the dinner party and that little pinch she had given Regina's ribcage, the side that she had determined to be hers at the age of twenty-three.
Each time her stress or her worry grew too intense her thoughts would travel back there, to that rib, to Emma's safe place against Regina's body. It had felt so warm and secure and she longed to feel that again. She longed to feel the oh so familiar comfort of Regina's arms protecting her from the rain. She longed for it and she dreaded the feelings that she knew were coming when Regina explained why she had rejected her.
Emma went for a long run when she returned from dropping Hanna in Portland and spent an hour doing some freestyle strength training in the afternoon before taking a long hot shower. She had done everything she could to release her tension, afraid that those raw nerves would cause her to say something she didn't want to say. She had worked out, she had eaten a huge meal that morning, she had tried her mother's meditation tapes. She felt lighter when she was done and she was thankful. She would hold her head high and she would face this because it's not like the outcome could suddenly change. She had already lived through this. She had already moved on - ish.
As the hour grew near she pulled on her favorite jeans and long sleeve, studying herself in the mirror. She needed something else. She went to her closet rummaging through and found the perfect thing. She pulled out the red leather jacket that she had found not so long ago and pulled it on. Yes, this was perfect. Warm and secure but giving a distinct I-take-no-bullshit feel.
Next she spent an inordinate amount of time on her makeup taking, extra care to give the impression she had spent no time on it at all. Each layer of preparation she added, whether it was an extra fluff of her hair or eyeliner, was a layer of calming self-esteem that would stop her from yelling at Regina today if she became angry and would stop her from crying if she felt hurt. Each layer was also confidence that shielded the hurt little girl inside who had fallen in love with her best friend and had her heart broken. The disconnected buzzing in her mind tied a nice bow on top of her personal shields.
She walked down the stairs like she was walking her last steps down The Green Mile. She kissed her mother, ignoring the strange look on Mary's face. Whatever that look had to say Emma didn't want to hear it just then, she had enough on her mind.
Regina had clearly taken the time to primp and polish as well, a fact that made Emma feel a little better about her own efforts. Regina's hair fell in perfect waves, her knee length black dress was pressed to perfection, her heels clicking confidently as they headed from the door to the kitchen. Henry was there, being held by a woman Emma did not know, though she could guess from the wart and the strong medicinal smell that this must be the dreaded nanny. The boy was squirming, twisting this way and that, trying to push away from the woman.
Emma took him, kissing him and making him giggle. She handed him his favorite teething ring and tried to ignore the witch like woman glaring at her.
"Would you like some wine? Or maybe some coffee or tea?"
Emma said that wine would be fine.
So Regina poured them glasses and suggested that since it was such a nice evening they sit out back at the patio table and talk.
Emma nodded rigidly and headed outside while Regina gave Henry back to the warty woman. Sure enough, the moment that Henry was in her arms he began to scream.
"Maybe take him to the park." Regina suggested, frowning guiltily.
"Why don't you just hire someone else?" Emma frowned once the two were gone.
Regina scoffed, "You try finding more than one nanny local to Storybrooke. Anyone commuting would require me to cover travel, which is legitimate, but also quickly very expensive."
"Have you thought about dropping him with my mother? He doesn't cry when she holds him."
"I have, actually. We discussed it a few months ago. We thought it would be a nice idea since she retired but once you were in town we agreed that perhaps we should wait until you were settled before we discussed that option again. Things have just been a little hectic since, so it hasn't come up." She could see the stress in Regina's face and it made the tear around Emma's heart twitch.
"Oh well, don't worry about me. Just make Henry happy."
Regina nodded once and they fell into silence.
"I ordered something for both of us from Granny's later."
Emma nodded in silent agreement wondering if that hadn't been presumptuous of their ability to have this talk civilly. They had been pre-teens and teenagers together, they knew how to cut the other and they both, apparently, had a lot of anger.
"Ruby said she would have someone drop it here at about six-ish. Is that alright with you?"
Emma nodded again, living in the numb buzz.
"Stop being so quiet Em, there is no reason to be nervous."
She was nervous. She didn't know how to feel about Regina's accurate predictions of her feelings. Before their friendship had crumbled, Emma had never thought twice about Regina's uncanny ability to know her feelings but now it made Emma wonder why Regina still tried.
Emma just nodded. Was Regina going to apologize? What else was there to say? Emma knew she owed Regina an apology herself and she was ready to give it. "Before we get started," Emma began "can I say again how sorry I am about Hanna."
Regina shook her head, "I understand. Does that happen a lot? You didn't seem all that surprised."
"No, it doesn't." Emma insisted, "It really doesn't. She was very strange for the first part of the trip. I think she doesn't know her limits, so she begins to drink, meaning to take the edge off or have fun and then suddenly she is blacked out."
"Did she have a black out the other night?"
"No, not this time. Not entirely anyway." She stumbled over her words lamely and double-checked that the long sleeve and jacket covered her wrist completely.
"I see."
When there was a long pause in their conversation Emma filled it with small talk, "So what causes a blackout, Dr. Mills? When you drink I mean?"
Regina began to ramble off medical jargon, explaining how alcohol renders the drinker unable to create and store long-term memories for a while. Emma just nodded along because it seemed the only thing to do just then.
When Regina was done she sighed and gave Emma a frank look, "Are we done stalling now?"
Emma smiled weakly, "Sure. What did you want to talk about exactly?" her heart rate picking up a pace, making her voice shake a little bit despite her effort to control it.
Regina smiled candidly, telling her wordlessly that Emma knew what she wanted to talk about and Emma shrugged, "I wasn't sure is all."
"I'm sorry Emma. I know this is something that you don't want to do, but I would like the chance you talk through a few things if you are willing to listen."
Emma nodded jerkily, gulping her wine.
"Okay – good. I assume this will probably be hard for you especially if you are feeling as you were when you found out about Ingrid. However, do you think you could give me a chance to speak first uninterrupted? I'm sure there will be a lot you would like to say, Emma, but I don't know if I can do this if I'm interrupted."
"Uh, yeah. Alright."
Once Regina had the floor though she seemed at a loss for what to say, as if she had only planned that opening speech. Emma sipped her wine and stared out across the large backyard, giving her a chance to think. The breeze blew and Emma tightened her jacket around her. It was chilly and that was nice. She loved it when it was cold and bright. A surge of energy passed through her then and Emma knew she would be fine. She could handle whatever Regina had in store for her. She could handle this weird phase with Hanna until she and Hanna were back to normal again. She could even handle her mother and all of her meddling and bullshit.
When Regina still hadn't said anything a few minutes later Emma asked very softly as to not sound rude, "Are you sure you wouldn't rather me start?"
"No." She said shortly, took a deep breath and started to speak, "To be honest, I don't really want to do this, especially with you hating me so much. But you have been very good indulging me so,"
"I don't hate you, Ginny." Emma interrupted "That's not - what I feel." Regina's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "I don't know what I feel." Emma finished lamely.
"Well, it has appeared that you hate me, on more than one occasion I might add and you have said as much at least twice now. So it's difficult to see that it could be otherwise." Regina exhaled deeply, "I'm having a hard time getting started. I know things have been better between us since you cut your thumb and I'm grateful. Still, I know that when it comes down to it, you hate me and you feel that you cannot forgive me."
Emma looked back out at the yard so she didn't have to respond.
"I'm sorry."
"What?" She had just...said it. Emma had been waiting five years for that I'm sorry and now that it was here she wasn't sure how to handle it.
Regina took a deep breath, "The thing is Em, I loved you always."
Emma did her best not to register her surprise on her face. Regina had simply jumped to the point. "What does that mean?"
Regina held up her hand, a silent request not to be interrupted. "I loved you from the first time you told me to get my nose out of that bio book when I was eleven."
Emma laughed, "I didn't tell you to get your nose out of it! I told you that if you kept it up then people were going to think you were a nerd. Which they did."
Regina's lip curled up at the corners, "You were my shining star, Em, the best thing in my life. You swooped in and saved me from the mess that was my family. As a point of interest, I discovered that I was gay because of you; when I was sixteen - though I didn't tell you for another year. I always thought that you loved me a little too, but I really didn't know anything about love, right? I was fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen years old. During pre-med it waned a little because I was dating other woman and you were so busy, we barely saw one another."
"Is that-" Emma interrupted and then apologized. Regina nodded just a bit and Emma continued, "Is that why you refused to room with me when we were at school? I was so pissed!"
"Yes. It was."
"Ugh." Emma groaned, "Another mystery solved. I knew the whole we were in separate school thing was bullshit."
Regina's smile grew, "Anyway then we came home and I was head over heels all over again. I never worried as to why most of my relationships were short lived, though your mother did. It was easy for me to see that it had not worked out because they were nothing like you and you were what I wanted."
Emma's head swam, Regina's bluntness was both refreshing and altogether too much. "So why didn't you say anything to me? It was still years before you told me!"
"Oh Emma, you know why. My mother believed that love is weakness and she taught us that lesson well." Emma nodded, remembering the times as a child that Regina had sought comfort or affection from her mother. Cora had always turned her away, swiftly and gruffly. "I mean, look at Zee. If her marriage is what love is supposed to look like then I don't want it." Regina laughed lightly and then found Emma's eyes, "It took me a long time to realize that loving you was okay."
Emma's body was tingling from head to toe. Were they really sitting here discussing Regina's former love for her so...openly? It made her head spin.
"I think the year we came home after undergrad was the first time I could tell that you had begun to notice me as well. I had lost the last bit of my shy ways and turned into a...let's say strong personality. No, don't give me that look; I know I can be a real bitch. I like that about myself and I know you do too."
Emma wanted to laugh but she couldn't find the sound. It seemed to her like Regina's bitchy young adult ways had mostly mellowed but perhaps she was just habitually used to them. She supposed all of the classes on etiquette and bedside manner had changed that.
"As I said it took me a long time to grow comfortable with my affections, so I settled for our friendship and did my best to be nice to those you dated."
This time Emma did chuckle very lightly remembering all the times that she had failed at that and all of the fights that had followed. That had been the only reason they fought in the later years.
"And then came my cousin's wedding." Regina braced herself and Emma's stomach flip-flopped; both shifted slightly in their seats uncomfortable. "I couldn't hold it in anymore. I remember watching you dance with Jamie and thinking if she wanted you, she could just have you because I had no real claim on you. I hated that. You were the best thing to happen in my life. You were so beautiful and I was so attracted to you, everything you did only made that worse. When you danced with the five-year-old boy at the wedding. Your sleepy face when you were tired and all you wanted to do was fall asleep in my arms. Your laugh. It was all too much; every time I saw you do something like that I almost told you. I couldn't be in the same room with you when you were changing anymore because I was afraid I would say or do something that would give it away – or perhaps lose control. Then I kissed you and you seemed so surprised by your own reaction. It was almost funny." Regina's voice had grown dry with monotone humor. "I thought my dreams had come true. Now I knew you loved me and what's more I knew that you loved me as much as I loved you."
Emma took perhaps too large of a pull on her wine, wishing she could fast-forward this part.
"I won't lie, Em." Regina's cheeks pinked just a little bit, "That was the best sex I had ever had, over and over again every time we made love."
Emma hiccupped and flushed all over her body, torn between sudden arousal and sudden grief.
"Then when you got the call from New Orleans I was so excited for you. I knew this was a huge deal, but I was also so upset. I couldn't imagine not being with you now."
"Ginny, I was trying to get you to come too."
Regina held up her hand again and Emma fell silent, grinding her teeth.
"To be honest," she continued, "I don't think I could have imagined being without you before that. You were my best friend in the entire world and my family, but I just couldn't go with you. Anyway, we fought." Regina leaned forward, almost taking Emma's hand but stopping a few inches short as though she was unsure that she should. She looked directly into Emma's eyes for the first time and not for the first time Emma found those striking irises unnerving, "I was so afraid, Emma. I was afraid for my job. I was afraid for you. I was afraid of moving to one of the biggest cities in the country. I was worried we were too young to be in the kind of relationship I thought we would be in. I worried my father would disown me. I needed his money for school and I knew if I told him that I would be moving, he would see it as an act of defiance and refuse my tuition. Truthfully, I think that the biggest issue was that I had made a plan for my life. I had the next ten or more years down on paper. I knew exactly what it was supposed to look like and following you would have derailed that entirely. I couldn't do that. Besides, what would happen if we didn't work out? How could I lose you? God, I was such a child then. I spent the next twenty-four hours, the very little bit when I wasn't at work, looking into Tulane. I looked at apartments, I looked at tourist attractions but mostly I sat around and cried and fought with myself. I picked up my phone a thousand times to call you and tell you I would come, but I couldn't dial. I was sure that if I went with you, that it would be the end of everything I loved." She took a deep breath at the bottom of the hill, readying herself to make her way up again, "It took me longer than it should have to realize I was losing you anyway. So I called and asked for you to meet me on my next day off then I got up," Regina shifted uncomfortably again her eyes beginning to glisten, "I got up and I picked up my girlfriend at the time, um"
"Abby." Emma unabashedly supplied.
"Right. I picked up Abby and broke off our relationship. Then went to Portland to find the perfect ring."
Emma felt as though someone had hit her in the gut with a kettlebell. The numb buzz was gone and in its place was left the harsh reality of what Regina had just said. "What? Wait, I don't understand-"
"I found one but I was stupid." She continued as if Emma hadn't spoken, unable to stop now, "I didn't want to simply show up and…do it. I wanted it to be significant. I just never dreamed I was on the clock. I don't know what I was thinking. I suppose I thought I was wildly romantic by waiting until we had agreed to meet. I was young and stupid. I was so tired during that month - that year; I don't think I was thinking clearly. Anyway, I had been called in to work that morning so I was a little late to the cliff. When I got there and you weren't there, I assumed you were running late as well. I waited for you to show up but you never did. I hadn't heard from you, so I was worried. I went straight to your apartment but you weren't home. So I went to your mother's house looking for you. She told me you had left."
Emma wasn't sure what she had been expecting, but this was not it. Her hand had flown to her open mouth, covering the shock. She waited for nausea or flush to cover her cheeks, some sign of her shock but perhaps her central nervous system was in a state of panic. Her body and her mind seemed to be stumbling; like the moment after getting the wind knocked out of you. How could she not have known all of this before? She suddenly understood why Regina was so angry. Emma left town before… she couldn't finish the thought so instead she asked, "My mother?"
Regina nodded again, "I went in and she told me you had gone. You can imagine my shock. I couldn't understand how you could have just left. I had told you that I wanted to talk about a way to save us. It had never once occurred to me that you might leave without a word."
"Wait, no, wait. You wanted to talk about a way to save our friendship!"
Regina's stare was chill, "Think back Emma."
She did and remembered the phone call perfectly.
"We need to talk."
"About saving our friendship?"
"About saving us, Ginny and Em!"
Horror rocked through Emma. She had always taken that to mean -
"I don't know how long I sat there with Mary crying." Regina continued. "I told her everything that had happened between us, minus the ring, and she told me that she had been waiting for us to fall in love since we were children." Regina sniffed loudly, shocking Emma out of her horrified state. Was Regina crying? She had seen Regina cry perhaps a small handful of times in the years they had known one another. "So I decided that the only thing to do was to get on a plane and come after you."
"What?" Emma cried, almost to her limit. She wasn't sure she could take any more new information. Her gut hurt. Her arm was killing her. Her head felt like it would explode soon.
"Yes. Your mother and I agreed. I was going to book a flight for the next time I had two days in a row off from work. If I recall it was about a week from that day. Then I went home and found your note."
"Oh god!" Emma's face fell into her hands, shielding herself from whatever Regina would say next. She knew it would be bad.
"I stopped crying after that and instead I got angry. I was fucking furious. I was done. I was so angry that you had just left and that note –" Regina huffed, her cheeks reddening with old remembered anger, her voice dropping into a feral growl, "I think I was breathing fire for about a month. I talked to Ruby almost every day, trying to find out what was happening with you. I was so angry, I couldn't call you, I just couldn't. I had put that goddamned note on my bedroom mirror to remind me not to give in. I thought we were in some type of standoff and whoever called first was the biggest loser. We had those types of fights before and I was not going to lose this one. I waited every day to see if you would call me and every day that you didn't just solidified my anger. Then one day about four months after you had left, I broke down. I had watched a woman struggle with the decision to remove her wife from life support all day and – god, I just fucking needed you. I didn't know why I had said no to you; I hadn't for a long time. I couldn't be angry anymore, I didn't care that you had just left me; I just wanted you back. I had spent four months feeling as though half of me was missing and I couldn't do it anymore."
The last bit of blood in Emma turned cold.
Hanna.
She had been seeing Hanna already.
"So I packed a bag, booked a flight to go and get you or at least to talk to you about our choices face to face. Mary was not yet retired, so I called and asked Ruby if she would give me a ride to the airport. That's when she told me about Hanna. She said that you sounded … happy."
Emma groaned, her face still covered. At this moment Emma hated herself. She despised herself. How could this all have happened?
"Ruby pushed me to go anyway. She was sure you would come home with me because she was sure that Hanna was just a fling, but I was done all over again after that. I had been suffering those many weeks you were gone and there you were happy in a new relationship. I finally began to get it. You had abandoned me. We weren't just fighting. We weren't friends anymore. I decided I couldn't think about you anymore. I had to stop. I had to move on with my life. It was a bumpy road for a while but I was successful - until you showed up here again. I was so surprised to see you in that restaurant. I couldn't believe it. I had assumed at some point in the last five years you had come home for a visit and simply not told me but I spoke to Ruby that night, the night I ran into you and she promised you hadn't. She told me that you had been avoiding Storybrooke so that you could avoid me. You can only imagine how I felt when I found out you were here to plan your wedding. I think I hated you all over again. I was sure the best thing to do would be to pretend you hadn't come into town at all; to not see you, only I couldn't do that. I tried, but I simply couldn't. God, that pissed me off, but I suppose I have been unable to stop myself since."
Regina took a long sip of her wine and then toyed with the stem, "I don't know where we stand, Emma. I'm not sure that I know how I feel, any more than you do. I do know that I spent a lot of years keeping this secret from you, from anyone. It just seemed as though now, with you here, I had to give that secret up. You needed to know."
Regina fell silent awkwardly, clearly out of things to say and Emma knew it was her turn to talk.
She wasn't entirely sure she could after that. Her nose felt thick and snotty and she wanted to dry her face. When had the tears come? She hadn't noticed. She wanted to go home and take a long bath and pretend that she hadn't just learned all of these new facts. She wanted to reverse time and take it all back, but she knew there was nothing she could do to make that happen.
She could have had so much.
She didn't know what to say. It was her turn and she was drawing a complete blank, unable to use her mind to think of anything else but the things she had just learned. Regina had planned to propose, but I ran before she could? Then I spent the next five years of my life hating her. How had this never come to light before? How had Regina been able to keep this to herself for five years? Suddenly five years felt not like a short span of time filled with work and play but decades, a lifespans worth of time to keep a secret in. Beyond Regina, how could her mother have kept this from her all of this time? What about Ruby? Did she know as well? Had she been the only one unaware of how easily her life could have been completely different?
"My mother knew?"
"Yes."
"So she knows now."
"Yes."
Emma shook her head, trying to process this.
"Why didn't she tell me?" She knew that Regina was not the person to ask - her mother was.
"I asked her not to, Emma."
She drained the rest of her glass and watched Regina step inside to retrieve the bottle and fill both of their glasses again.
Regina had been brutally honest with her. Could she do the same? Anything she could say now would be petty and stupid: I was angry that you had rejected me, so I behaved like the child I so clearly was.
Yes, that was what she needed to say because, apparently, that was the truth.
She decided it was like ripping off a Band-Aid, just say it all and be done.
"Regina, I don't know what to say to you right now. My experience was not like yours. There was no deep secret," she choked on her words for a moment as she thought of that secret "everything on my side was very cut and dry."
"I would like to hear it anyway if that is alright with you."
Emma wished she didn't need to hear it. "I should start from the beginning as well I guess; like you did. I didn't know how I felt," she shook her head, knowing that wasn't good enough, "I didn't know that I loved you until that night when you kissed me. You were always so much more in touch with yourself than I was." She said almost pleading with Regina to understand. When Regina said nothing she continued, "I knew we fought a lot over our girlfriends but I always thought it was because we were best friends and no one was good enough for our best friend. I knew I didn't like seeing you with Abby or anyone else, but I just blew that off. When I think back now, I think I was attracted to you long before we went to college, but maybe I fell in love with you the year we returned to Storybrooke like you thought. Then you kissed me and I just" she gestured frantically in circles, knowing that didn't help her point "I felt everything click and I just melted. Suddenly it all made perfect sense to me and I knew we were supposed to be together. After we made love and I was, fuck Gin, I was just a pool of myself. I was so happy. I don't think I knew my own name anymore! I just knew I was meant to be Regina Mills' wife." Whoa, bring it back, Nolan.
That had been more than she meant to say and she pulled back a little, unaware until then that she had leaned forward so close to Regina. "It seemed then like I was never meant to be anything else. I remember I was so excited when I got the phone call from Pace because it felt like my life had fallen into place all at once. I had you. I had what I thought at the time was my dream job. I was nervous but the moment I thought of asking you to come I was nothing but excited. I mean, I was terrified of the thought of moving away from home and starting a whole new life, but that wasn't going to be a big deal. I've always been able to take on the world with you by my side."
Regina smiled a little, but Emma just powered on, "So when the fight started I was so upset and confused. I felt so stupid like the worlds biggest freaking idiot. Then when you on no uncertain terms said no, I think I broke inside. I was sure you just needed time to think about it and you were going to call me anytime to tell me you were being silly. I thought you were going to call me before I even got back to my own apartment. I mean I would have been hurt had you waited five minutes to say of course you would come with me and we could have a life together. I was young and I couldn't empathize with your fear. I just – I didn't get it then."
Regina nodded seeming to understand, "Undoubting immovable faith was always your gift."
"Then you called to preserve our friendship and I did doubt. It makes sense, Regina. I was never good enough for you. I know that."
"But I-" This time Emma was the one to demand silence.
Regina pursed her lips but obeyed. "I couldn't handle the thought that you didn't want me or that all you wanted from me was a friendship. I had a panic attack."
Regina gasped, worry creasing her face.
"I fucking fainted."
Regina's lip began to tremble.
"When I woke up and just- I had to fucking go. I couldn't deal with not being wanted again. I basically said, fuck it. I didn't even pack my things; I just bought my ticket, called my mom and headed to the airport. I felt like I was surgically removing part of myself and I missed you and I needed you to stop me from going. But I knew it was time for me to go." Emma laughed at her memories, "I kept picturing this scene where you had somehow learned that I was leaving and ran through the airport to meet me at the gate just before I got on the plane. OR maybe somehow you had made it to New Orleans before I did and you were waiting to turn me around and take me home. God, I was so dramatic. I remember this distinct feeling of surprise when I woke up the first morning in my apartment in New Orleans like I wasn't completely sure how I had gotten there. Every time the doorbell rang for at least a month I thought it was going to be you there to sweep me off my feet An Officer and a Gentleman style. God, I was so silly, wasn't I?"
Regina reached over and took her hands this time, softly rubbing her thumb across her knuckles. Emma shivered. She had never talked about this so openly and it hurt. Her whole body hurt. "I was just this absolute mess in New Orleans. It's so easy to be a mess in that city, too. I had to force myself every day not to call you, I didn't think my pride could take it. I drank – a lot. A whole fucking lot. I almost lost my job. Then after a while I knew you weren't coming and that I needed to let my old life go. I met Hanna and she helped me heal. I never told her about you, not until recently. She had this weird thing where she didn't want to know about my ex's. Now I know that she didn't want me to know she was one of those lesbians who has slept with all of her friends. I didn't mind not telling. At first it was because I couldn't talk about you or about my life that I had left behind. Then it was because I couldn't think about you. Then it was because too much time had passed for me to have not told her about this huge thing in my life that had happened weeks before I met her. Over time, she figured a few things out by doing things like looking at old Facebook pictures. She knew we were friends and she knew we fought. Actually I told her the full truth just the other night when I came over here and lost my shit. She accused me of cheating on her." Emma chuckled, "This trip, I don't know, this trip back to Storybrooke has messed with my mind. I can't decide what I feel. I don't know if I want to stay away from you completely or I completely want to move into your spare bedroom. I just don't know. Oh, and Henry. God, it hurt when I thought I had missed you having a baby - which is confusing because I'm not supposed to care. I don't know, Regina." She stopped talking awkwardly and they just sat there in silence for a while, wiping their faces and sighing.
"So basically" Emma felt stupid as she said it, "it was all bullshit."
Regina stared at her, blank-faced.
"Five years of hating one another, hurting and being so angry - over rash decisions and stupid immaturity."
Looking into Regina's face Emma felt her own creep into a smile, and then a laugh and then a roar. It was all so preposterous that Emma didn't know what else she could do except laugh. They laughed for a good long while until more tears began to spill down their faces. They laughed until Emma began to snort which only made them laugh harder. They laughed until their stomachs and their cheeks ached.
"You know what's even funnier?" Regina laughed, holding her side; "It all could have been cleared up in five minutes if we had just called! If I had just gone to New Orleans or if you had just waited one more day to leave."
Their fit of laughter started all again but this time it wasn't as funny and they sobered quickly at the thought.
"If I had called." Regina amended, "I probably wouldn't have told you if you had called me. Sometimes - sometimes I'm too proud, especially then. I'm stubborn to a fault."
"God, all I had to do was let you know I was leaving. It wasn't right not to let you at least say goodbye to me and that fucking note - I regretted it from the moment I left town. I'm sorry, Regina."
Regina just caressed her knuckles in silence.
"I'm kind of not very proud of us." Emma said quietly.
"No, neither am I."
Emma shook her head slowly, "So you were going to propose to me." She pictured her life as it could have been if she had waited one more day to leave, if she had shown up to the meeting that Regina had requested. Maybe they would have been married years ago. Maybe they would have started a family by now. Maybe they would have adopted Henry together. Would they have gone to New Orleans or would they have stayed in their hometown? Somehow she didn't really think it mattered. "And now?"
Regina understood her question and sat back, finally releasing her hands; her deep eyes sorrowful but resigned. "And now, you're getting married."
"And now I'm getting married." Emma agreed quickly.
"But," Regina said, leaning toward her, "Does that mean that we can't be friends again? Now that we both know the whole story, I think it will take some hard work to remember that we both were – are hurt; but it doesn't seem like a friendship is out of the question, now does it?"
Emma smiled. She wasn't sure this was wise. She wasn't sure she could handle it. But there was no way in hell she was going to say no. She wanted them to be friends.
They looked at each other for a bit, both seeming a little stuck. Should they hug now? What came next after a talk like that one?
Regina sighed, "I think I'm still angry with you, Em."
"For?"
"For going. Also for assuming the worst of me, you were my best friend. You were supposed to know that I would never reject you in the way that you assumed. I think I am also angry with you for not being my best friend. You just disappeared from my life one day without a word. You didn't give me a choice in the matter at all. You just took yourself away. I hear you say you felt as thought you weren't good enough but I just don't understand."
"Oh come on, Regina. There have been two people who have wanted me my entire life. There was my father who is gone now and then Hanna. Even my mom wasn't sure she wanted me for a long time. I think I'm more confused to know that you had wanted me than I was when I thought you had rejected me. That is why when you said you wanted to save Ginny and Em I assumed you meant the best friends, not the lovers. That made more sense to me."
Regina laughed again, "I felt the same way. You were always so good, Em. I don't know how you put up with me."
"I think I'm still angry with you for saying no. Also I think I'm a little angry that you never told me. I know I'm angry that my mother never told me!"
Regina shook her head vehemently, "Don't be. I made her promise.
"Yeah well, no offense but that's bullshit."
Regina sipped her wine thoughtfully and confessed in a whisper; "I think I'm also a little angry with you because you're getting married."
Emma did her best to control her face. What the fuck did that mean? "Because I didn't tell you, because you don't like Hanna or because" she couldn't get herself to say because I was supposed to marry you, so she said, "because of something else?"
"I will have to get back to you on that."
"Does that mean you and Hanna will never be friends?"
Regina chuckled, wryly, "Right now, I don't know. She did make a poor impression, didn't she?"
Emma blushed and looked away. She had.
"When is she here next?"
"She's coming for my birthday and Thanksgiving."
"Maybe we should go on a double date or - something. I can pretend that I've never met her before and I can pretend – I can pretend she was never the reason that I did not come for you."
Emma nodded, slapped again. The two stood and headed inside to the kitchen. It took her a long time to recover from that bluntness, "What are you doing for Halloween?"
"I will be working. 9 A.M. to 10 P.M." She said solidly seeming equally happy for a few minutes of a different subject.
"Who stays with Henry when you do that? That's a lot of hours."
Regina's eyes grew sad again, "The nanny."
Emma nodded, studying her. She wanted to reach out and touch her face, something she would have done without thought at one time. Instead she took a step back. "I assume my mom still passes out candy every year so maybe I'll help her. I might do some shopping too."
"What do you have left?" Regina asked knowing she was talking about wedding shopping despite Emma's evasiveness.
"Not a lot. The main things I need to focus on next, I think, are the rings and flowers, I guess."
Regina laughed, "You say that with such contempt. Aren't you supposed to be happy while planning your wedding?"
"Do I? I guess the planning is becoming a little exhausting."
"Do you want company?"
"You want to come with me to go wedding shopping?" Emma asked skeptically.
"Sure. We're friends now, right?"
"Ginny."
Regina tittered, "Are you saying you wouldn't have more fun if I were there?"
"Shut up, Ginny."
Regina smiled wryly.
"How about we just take things slow, all right?"
"I think that's a good plan."
"Well my point a minute ago was going to be that you should bring Henry to us."
"What?" Regina asked in surprise.
"On Halloween. Bring him to my mom and I."
"To watch him….all day?"
"Yes. There are two of us. I think we can handle it."
Regina looked as though she was going to argue but decided against it, "Alright."
Emma nodded; turned to wash out her cup but Regina softly put a hand on her wrist, gently turning her back to her.
Emma's heart suddenly beat hard. Regina was close, too close, a look of vulnerable honesty on her face and for a moment Emma wondered if Regina was going to - "Em, I am only going to say this once." Regina waited for her to prove she was listening, so Emma cleared her throat clumsily and nodded once.
"All right, so it is true that we don't know one another now like we used to but as your old best friend I guess I feel I should say at least once that I am surprised by you and Hanna."
"What do you mean?" Emma thought she should be offended, but she couldn't find it in her. Instead, a trace amount of the numbing fog drifted back into her mind.
Regina thought, chewing her words slowly. "I just never thought you were attracted to that kind of woman."
"What kind?"
"Oh you know, the kind of girl who is just cocky enough that you can't decide if she's confident or very rude. Perhaps that is not the best way to explain it; she is arrogant and inappropriate while somehow coming off charismatic."
"You're arrogant."
"No. I'm confident. There is a difference. I suppose I only met her the once, perhaps I'm wrong. It was a bad night so she could have just come off that way, but my point is simply that I am surprised by your attraction to her personality and I am surprised by her age. Ruby always told me that Hanna didn't really behave as though she is younger than us, but I don't know if I can agree with that. I also don't care for the way she treats you. It's hard to say of course, as you seemed to be fighting all evening but something about her concerns me. Emma, what I am trying to say is, are you sure she is really the right person for you?"
Emma just laughed, the numb buzzing threatening to overtake her.