Chapter 10:
Sif can't help but feel nervous as she stands outside on the stoop, waiting.
It had taken her nearly a minute after arriving to build up the courage to just ring the doorbell, and now she's standing here, hands clutching the stuffed tiger hard, wondering if this was such a good idea after all.
She doesn't really know why she's so uneasy. Whether it's over seeing Thor, who hasn't been in school for several weeks now, and who's been so obviously avoiding her and the rest of the gang, or Thor's little brother.
She feels guilty over Loki. Her own parents and her friends have told her it's ridiculous, and on a rational level, she knows it's true. She didn't actually do anything to cause… what happened to the kid. It wasn't, technically, her fault. Or anyone's fault except the drunk driver. Still…
Loki was a sweet kid. Quiet and shy and inquisitive. She and their friends had always gotten a kick out of teasing him, because he'd always followed Thor around like his shadow and he was always so easy to get a rise out of. He was so sensitive, and… well, kids her age and their friends… that was just what they did sometimes. Picked on anyone a little different, anyone who gave a reaction.
It often got out of hand though. Thor's little brother never took it well. Sometimes he'd cry. Other times, he would go completely silent and turn away, and Sif can recall moments when she'd been truly unsettled, as she would watch vicious tremors work through the kid's tiny frame, watch him struggle to hold his emotions in, hands raised to his black haired head, fingers curled and pulling at his short strands. Sif would always step back and tell Fandral and Hogun and Volstagg to stop, whenever things like that would happen. Whenever she thought Loki might actually hurt himself.
Loki was weird. Well, that's what the others said. Thor said he was a genius. That he'd taken countless tests to determine that sort of thing. A person's IQ, and that he'd scored off the charts on all of them. Sif supposes that's why Loki's always seemed odd to them all. Why he's never really fit in, beyond just the general age difference. Still, it never sat right with her, when he'd get so upset over the same sort of ribbing and teasing that went on between all of them.
She feels sick when she thinks of how that had been exactly what was going on when the accident had happened. That Thor had looked away from the road because Loki had started getting upset. Because they'd been picking on Loki and…
She's broken from her thoughts when the door suddenly swings open and she's looking at Mrs. Odinson, smiling warmly and welcoming back.
Sif forces herself to smile in return, trying to push her nerves aside.
"Hello dear." Mrs. Odinson greets.
"Hello Mrs. Odinson." Sif returns, willing her voice to keep steady. "I hope I'm not too late."
"Not at all dear." Mrs. Odinson assures her. "You're right on time. Please, won't you come in?"
She steps aside then, holding out her arm to lead the way, and Sif smiles again, stepping forward, over the threshold and into the foyer.
The Odinson's house is wicked huge, Sif thinks not for the first time. Well, Thor's family is rich, so that isn't exactly a shock. His dad's some big shot lawyer who owns his own firm and attracts big name, celebrity cliental all the time. Sif always fails not to feel jealous over all the stories Thor's told her about meeting this movie star or that pop star. The front entries floor is all marble tile with black accents and a huge, crystal chandelier hanging overhead, attached to a ceiling that must be at least fourteen feet high.
Sif finds herself getting dizzy just looking up at it.
She's always teased Thor over the size of his bedroom, saying she could fit her whole house inside of it. It was an exaggeration, but not much of one.
Her eyes go slightly big with surprise when she hears the front door close and she turns, only to be engulfed in a hug from Thor's mom, holding her tightly against her for several, long seconds. Sif returns the embrace somewhat awkwardly, the stuffed tiger still in her hands.
Finally, Mrs. Odinson pulls away, her hands on Sif's shoulders, smiling brightly at her still.
"I'm so glad you could make it down to see the boys dear." She says. "It means so much."
Sif's own smile is tight as she nods jerkily.
"Of course." She says. "I wanted to."
And she did want to. Still does. It's just… now that she's here, she isn't sure how she's supposed to act.
Mrs. Odinson is nodding, her eyes flicking a moment later to the toy in Sif's hands.
"What's that?" She asks lightly.
Sif blinks, and it takes her a moment to understand what the older woman is talking about.
"Oh!" She exclaims, glancing down at the toy before bringing her eyes back up, feeling suddenly unsure.
"It's, uh, well… we thought Loki might like this. Me and the gang. We kind of all pitched in to buy it for him and… I-I hope it isn't presumptuous or… if you think Loki wouldn't like it…"
"No, no." Mrs. Odinson interrupts, shaking her head and smiling still. "How thoughtful of you all." She goes on. "I'm sure Loki will love it."
"D-do you think?" Sif questions, hopeful but still uncertain.
"Absolutely." Mrs. Odinson answers. "Loki likes to act more grown up than he is. But it's a splendid gift you've chosen. He'll adore it. I'm certain."
"I hope so." Sif says, looking down. "I don't want to… to upset him."
She feels Mrs. Odinson's hand land on her shoulder then, and looking back up, the older woman is looking at her with a sober expression.
"You won't Sif." She says. "Loki, he… he needs friends. It'll be good for him, to know you care."
Sif swallows thickly.
"Is he…" she swallows again, not really sure if she wants to hear the answer. "is he alright? I mean, is he…"
She trails off, not really sure how to say it.
Mrs. Odinson shakes her head, and for a moment, there is such an expression of pain across her features, that Sif feels her own breath catch in her throat.
"He's not." The older woman answers after a moment, her voice tight. "I don't suppose there's any use in pretending otherwise. But… he's adjusting. We all are."
Sif feels her hand squeeze where it still rests on her shoulder.
"He's probably going to be shy around you. He… he doesn't speak much now. He's a bit embarrassed by his voice, you see. Because he can't hear, he has a tendency to speak too loudly and to slur his words. So he might not talk much. It doesn't mean he isn't happy you're here."
Sif nods, feeling her nerves worsen.
"Are you sure it's okay?" She asks. "If he's too uncomfortable, or…"
Again, Mrs. Odinson interrupts by shaking her head.
"No. No, he'll be fine. Believe me Sif, this is a good thing."
Again, Sif nods.
"Okay." She says.
"The boys are just in the living area, if you want to follow me." Mrs. Odinson goes on, and once more, Sif nods, following behind as she moves past and out of the foyer.
The first thing Sif notices upon entering the living room is Thor.
It's hard to miss her best friend and sort of boyfriend. At least, she hopes that last part.
He's a giant, basically. Standing almost 6'3", and pure, athletic muscle. Even sitting down, it just eats up the space of any room.
He's on the couch, wide shoulders slightly hunched and head bowed, his blonde mane of hair falling slightly into his bearded face.
It takes several seconds before Sif even notices the little boy sitting on his lap, curled in on himself, face pressed to Thor's chest. Thor has his lips pressed against the boys head, talking softly to him.
A moment later, and Sif recognizes the boy as Loki.
She feels her breath catch.
God, she hardly recognized him.
He seems, somehow, impossibly, frailer than before. Maybe it's just against the sheer bulk of Thor, but Sif doesn't think so. Loki was already rail thin, but looking at him now, she can see he's lost weight, when there was really no weight to lose. His hair is still short, but where Loki had always kept it neat and combed before, it's decidedly disheveled and messy now. He's wearing a thin t-shirt, and through the thin material, Sif can make out his bony back. He's wearing a pair of shorts too, no shoes or socks it looks like from where his legs are curled underneath him. His sticklike arms are wrapped far as they can go round Thor's torso.
"Thor…" Mrs. Odinson calls out, and Thor's face snaps up, looking to his mom, his eyes finding Sif a moment later.
Sif doesn't think she imagines it when he seems to briefly stiffen, before relaxing and smiling brightly at her, his grin full of charm and charisma, as always.
She can't help smiling in return, despite the way her stomach seems to have a lead weight in it.
"Sif." Thor starts, his hands coming up, taking hold his little brother under the arms and lifting him up slightly, leaning him back.
She doesn't imagine it at all, the way Loki goes rigid. Or the way his breathes start coming a little faster.
She watches, confused, as Thor takes Loki's hand, and begins moving his index finger across the younger boys palm.
She understands an instant later as Thor speaks to him.
"Sif's here." He says.
Loki nods jerkily, and does nothing else, staring blankly, it seems, at Thor's chest, hands balling into the material of his shirt.
And it hits Sif suddenly. The realization, the full realization. Loki can't see or hear.
She feels her throat constrict, the backs of her eyes suddenly, unexpectedly burning.
She seriously doesn't know if she can do this.
"Should we go say hi?" Thor asks his brother, and there's a long moment of hesitation before, again, Loki nods jerkily.
Sif watches, anxious, as Thor stands, lifting Loki up off his lap as he does, setting his brother down on his feet and taking hold of his hand.
Sif finds her breath catching once more as the two boys turn towards her, and she gets her first, real look at Loki's face. At his eyes.
Even from feet away, she can see how they've dulled utterly. How their once bright green hue has faded to a flat almost grey color, and how they stare, sightless, ahead at nothing.
Perhaps most off putting, she thinks as they make their way towards her, is how the rest of Thor's little brother looks, basically, exactly the same.
He's still such a handsome little boy.
Her throat tightens further to think how he won't ever see his own face again. How he won't ever see himself grow into a handsome man.
She blinks, and suddenly Thor is standing right in front of her, smiling tightly.
They stare back at one another for a long moment, an awkward silence settling over the space, before finally Thor makes the first move.
He lets go of Loki's hand, and a moment later, he has his arms wrapped around her in a tight hug, pulling her against his chest.
She hugs him back, a flood of relief washing through her.
"Hey Sif." He breathes against her ear.
"Hey Thor." She says back.
"I'm glad you came." He tells her, and all she can do is nod.
He holds onto her for what feels like a long time, though it must only be a few seconds more.
When he finally lets go, it's immediately he's crouching down, taking Loki's hand again.
"Loki," he says, moving his fingers against his brother's palm again. "do you want to say hi?"
Quickly Loki shakes his head no, beginning to, what Sif guesses, sigh with his hands.
Thor watches him intently a moment, before again taking his brother's palm.
"Alright." He says. "That's alright."
He looks up at Sif then, that same, tight smile across his lips.
"He says he'd rather just sign to you, if that's okay? He… he's a little embarrassed about his voice."
Sif nods stiffly.
"Yeah, your Mom explained. It's okay."
Again, Thor nods, before turning back to his brother.
"Okay." He says to Loki.
Several, long second stretch by, the young boy standing with his face angled downward, unmoving. His small chest seems to rise and fall too rapidly, and Sif feels herself on the verge of telling everyone that she can leave, if it's too much for Loki.
But then Thor's younger brother shifts, lifting his hands and again signing through the air.
"He says 'Hello Sif'," Thor translates, keeping his eyes on Loki. "and that he's glad you could come."
Loki never looks up from where his face is still pointed down.
Sif smiles thinly, feeling awkward and wrong.
"It's the least I could do." She says. "T-tell him I'm so happy to see him. And… and, well, we all, F-Fandral and Volstagg and Hogun, I mean, we thought he mi-might like this."
She holds out the stuffed tiger, again feeling awkward, not knowing whether she should hand it to Thor or to Loki.
Loki wouldn't know if she was holding anything out to him at all.
Thor smiles up at her, eyes landing on the stuffed toy.
"It's wonderful Sif. Thank you so much. I'm sure he'll adore it." He tells her, relieving her from her indecision and take the animal, holding it on his lap a moment as he tells Loki everything she just said.
A moment later, and he's pushing the stuffed tiger into Loki's hands, not letting go until Loki's curled his arms about it and has it secure.
He fumbles a moment over it, running his hands over its furry body and face clumsily, as though trying to figure out what it is.
It's nearly a minute he does this, examining the toy with a thoroughness which escapes Sif.
And then, in a voice so soft she almost misses it, a voice uncertain and starkly impeded, he says…
"Th-thank you Sif."
She thinks she might burst into tears. God… God, she can't…
Oh, she can remember what he sounded like before. Can remember how sharp and fluid his speech had been. Remembers her and the others always teasing him and Thor about how precocious he was, how grown up he had always sounded.
She swallows past the lump in her throat, her vision blurring slightly at the sudden wash of tears in her eyes. She wipes quickly at them, nodding, sucking in several, deep breathes. She doesn't trust her voice not to betray her, and it's many, long seconds before she can force herself to say anything at all.
"I'm glad he likes it. T-tell him I'm glad he likes it." She says, looking back up. And she feels both a great relief and an almost suffocating heartache at the way she sees Loki clutching the stupid stuffed toy to his chest then. Holding it tight, like it's the only thing keeping him here and alive.
/
AN: Hey guys, hope you continue to enjoy this story! Let me know your thoughts if you get a chance, and as always, thank you for reading!
Also, I realize this is shameless self-promotion, but I've written a book which I currently have for sale up on amazon, and I thought I'd post the prologue and first chapter here on fanfic, which you can find under my profile and stories. It's called "For Asgard: Loki's Tale". You guys can heck out and see if you like it, if you want! If so, you might want to check out the rest of it on amazon. Just type the title: For Asgard: Loki's Tale Part One
If not, then I hope you enjoy the excerpt anyway. I've been crazy busy lately, but I'm trying to work on all my stories and hopefully get some of them updated soon!