Part 10
The battle Killian had attended did turn out to be the Final Battle, the Archdemon vanquished in what was apparently a spectacular assault from the Grey Wardens. The Blight had ended and the world had fallen into a Thaw, the Darkspawn still above ground, still spreading disease and decay, but steadily retreating to their lairs underground.
Killian had returned to the Circle with the Templars and the Mages, and although he had spent a few days hoping, in vain, that Emma would return to the Circle now the Grey Wardens were no longer necessary, he has long since resigned himself to the fact that not only would he never see her again, but he would never know whether or not she had survived.
The not knowing is painful. It's been months - nearly a year since she came to him before the battle and let him love her - and he can't concentrate. Not when the Circle is just a tower of memories, when everything he sees makes him think of her, makes him remember how she walked out of his tent and left him alone.
He dreams of her. He relives the last few hours he spent with her over and over, pictures what would have happened if she stayed, if she'd been with him instead of fighting. Sometimes he imagines that their kisses, before she left the Circle, weren't the end but a beginning of something.
But the worst is when he sees her out the corner of his eyes, as if she's haunting him. She stands just out of reach, turns the corner and slips out of sight when he nears her, vanishes when he blinks.
When he takes lyrium, she's clearer, closer, but he doesn't try to touch her anymore, not when he knows he'll reach out and try to hold her and she won't really be there.
Sometimes he panics that she truly is haunting him, that she died in the Final Battle, but he doesn't know the truth, not really, and he clings to the fact that it's the lyrium making him see her, because he doesn't think he can bear it if she's gone.
He hates the Circle, hates watching the apprentice mages attend their Harrowings, seeing how some of them pass and others mutate into monsters.
He wants to leave.
He doesn't know what he'll do if he does.
He takes more lyrium, spends all his earnings on it, because it makes everything easier. He sees Emma more, but the lyrium helps with the loneliness when he remembers she's not real.
One day, he sneaks down into the storage rooms under the tower. He's not sure what he's looking for, perhaps just silence, and for a few minutes he simply sits in the dark, pretends his life is different - isn't just lyrium and delusions and loneliness.
He decides to explore, wanders through rooms full of glowing alchemy ingredients, old ripped books and rolls of parchments, broken staffs and spare sets of armour. And then, in the furthest room, he finds the phylacteries - vials of blood labelled with familiar names. A few hang from chains, the phylacteries of those who had once escaped, and Killian is drawn to them.
He runs his fingers along the names inked onto the small strips of parchment, halting when he traces the word Emma. It's hers, an hourglass-shaped vial attached to a thin gold chain, and he's not thinking when he reaches out to take it. The chain dangles from one hand and he grips the vial in the other.
It's warm and pulsing slightly, as though he can feel Emma's heartbeat, and he feels happier than he's felt in months because she's alive and he knows it for certain. He may not know where she is, but he knows she's out there.
He feels like he's finally seeing clearly for the first time since he last saw Emma, because with the phylactery held steady in his hand, he knows what he wants.
He wants to be at Emma's side.
He slips the chain around his neck, the vial resting against his heart and beating in time with it. He then sneaks out of the cellar and returns to his room where he collapses onto his bed.
He became a Templar to find Rumplestiltskin. If he does that, then he'll have done everything he meant to do as a Templar and he can stop. He won't need the power of the lyrium, not if Rumplestiltskin's gone. If he's not a Templar, he can be with Emma.
And now he has her phylactery, he can find her.
He doesn't give himself time to start doubting. Instead, he tucks Emma's phylactery under his armour, under his linen shirt, so that it's against his skin, and goes to find David.
The Knight Commander is in his office, packing for his next trip back to see his family, and Killian hates to interrupt but he needs to tell him now. He needs David to know what he wants, because Killian is worried he'll doubt his own choice and try to remain at the Circle. Right now, he feels strong enough to try and get out.
The man's office is rather empty - everything has been packed except for a small painting of him, his wife and his son.
David stops folding things when he sees Killian, and Killian doesn't know how to start, doesn't know what to say. "Looking forward to seeing your family?"
David smiles widely and nods. "I am. I'm always excited to see how much Neal has grown, even though I wish I didn't have to miss so much." he answers, gesturing at the chubby toddler in the painting. "But the Circle is no place for a child."
There are plenty of children in the Circle, but all of them are mages, so Killian doesn't correct him. "You don't regret choosing this life, do you?" he questions carefully, wondering if he can use this to edge David towards the conversation he actually wants to have.
David shakes his head. "I do wish I could spend more time with my family, but this is the life I chose and it's a life I believe in." He frowns and looks up at Killian, and he can see concern on David's face. "Why, Killian? Is everything alright?"
Killian doesn't want to lie, so he shakes his head. David looks unsurprised and gestures for him to take a seat at his desk. With David sat on the other side, Killian feels as though he's back at the Chantry, a young boy again, but David's smile is warm and comforting and Killian thinks that maybe he'll understand.
"I want to be reassigned." he says simply, and David just nods. "I want to go back home. To serve at the Chantry in my village."
"May I ask why?" David asks kindly.
"I can't be here anymore." Killian says honestly, and the same understanding smile from years ago, when David warned him about Emma, spreads across the Knight-Commander's face. "I need to leave."
"I'll write a letter and soon you'll be back there." David says, and Killian's relieved he's not asking further questions. "Is there anything else? You haven't been yourself lately. Not since… well, not since the Blight ended. Is your brother alright?"
"Liam's fine. Thank you for asking." Killian says quietly, and there's something about David that is so paternal, even though he must only be a decade or so older, that Killian wants to tell him more. "However, there is one more favour I'd like to ask of you. When I was younger, there was a mage in my town, a blood mage. I became a Templar to make sure people like him couldn't hurt anyone. But he's still out there, and I think I'd like to make sure that changes."
David's eyes narrow slightly, and then he nods. "I can help. I can write letters to other Knight-Commanders and see if they know anything. I will, of course, need to know this man's name."
"It's Rumplestiltskin." Killian says, feeling ridiculously grateful towards the Knight-Commander, because finding Rumplestiltskin is all he needs to do before he can stop all of this and find Emma. "His name is Rumplestiltskin."
"Odd name." David remarks, but he writes it down on a piece of parchment anyway. "Is there anything else?"
David looks like he knows there's more on Killian's mind, but Killian doesn't want to say it. Not when David is an honourable man, because Killian doubts he'll truly understand, no matter how hard he tries. Not when David has a family, a love of his own, and he still picks his duty over them.
And Killian knows he's shaking, can see the now familiar tremors of his hand, and he's sure David knows why, because so many Templars become like Killian, addicted to the drug that gives them the power to resist magic, to quell the powers of mages, but David doesn't say anything.
"Nothing else."
David sighs and then stands from his desk, crossing the room to stand by the door. Killian moves to leave, but David stops him with a hand on his shoulder. "Be careful." he says quietly, and Killian looks up at him. "Honestly, I think you should stay here. With the Circle."
"Why?"
"I think you know why this place is best for you." David says carefully, and Killian swallows. "But if this is truly what you want, just nod. I'll do it. I'll send the letters and find Rumplestiltskin and I'll transfer you back home. But I would prefer it if you stayed."
"I have to go." Killian whispers, his voice hoarse. "Please, David. I can't do this anymore."
"Alright." David sighs, releasing Killian so he can leave the office. "But make sure to write. I'll worry if I don't hear from you." Killian walks away, and just before he turns the corner, he hears David calling after him. "I hope you find what you're looking for."
Killian hopes he does too.
Here you go. Just a warning that things are going to keep getting angstier for a couple more chapters! I hope you enjoyed this chapter though - thank you for the reviews/favourites/alerts! Feedback is always appreciated!
And thank you to BlackDragon733 for editing this with me!