You knew it wouldn't all be sexual tension and muffins right?

Enjoy...

Chapter 10 – Addiction

Emily:

So we had kissed, and it had been earth shatteringly amazing, everything I had expected and so much more. An explosion had shuddered me to my core and made absolutely everything other than the sense of being with her melt into the background. It almost felt as though a black hole had just opened up and swallowed the both of us, taking us away from everything else that had seemed important. A completely new and fucking flawless universe had formed the second our lips had touched, ripping all knowledge of anything resembling reality swiftly in half. Nothing else mattered, complete rapture accentuated around me, contorting over us both and utterly proving that as long as I had her I could face anything. The stars could fall from the sky, the world could tremble in complete blackness, even the sun could disintegrate in on itself and I wouldn't give a shit. I would quite happily watch everything else fucking obliterate, if I could observe from the comfort of Naomi's arms.

The strangest thing however, was the resounding knowledge that everything I had thrown headfirst into that kiss, had done nothing. She had gone after him, so he was her fucking boyfriend...compared to the ecstasy we had just achieved how could he be anything? I know she had felt exactly what I had, fuck me, her heart was beating fast enough to break completely out of the 'I'm straight' shell that she found herself contained within. I didn't know anything about their back story, fuck I didn't know much about a great number of things. The only things I am currently absolutely sure of was the fact that she trembled under my touch and just how much I loved her...but that should be enough...it should make a difference when someone loves you; shouldn't it?

Maybe that was it, maybe his love did make a difference and mine had ended up being mere distraction from a now seemingly irrelevant point. No! She had wanted it as much as I had, she was crying out for me, on fire for me, but she had fucking ran after him. It should have been a short conversation based on the simplest of lies 'it was just a photo shoot' or the easiest truth 'I love her and there is nothing you can do about it!' See, easy...but she hadn't come back, I had wasted so much time just waiting to make sure she was ok and to hopefully hold her until everything else fucked off. I wanted nothing other than to see her beautiful blue eyes smiling down at me as she told me that everything would be fine, I wanted nothing other than for her to tell me the fucking truth or to even just walk back in through the doors crying. Nothing, hence the fact that I was now sat at home staring out into the darkness her absence seemed to have banished me to.

I tried music, but every single lyric pushed me further into my own brain, thinking about everything that had gone fucking tits up with what should have been a completely innocent kiss. Effy's absence wasn't helping either; she was probably off somewhere dancing with a bunch of fucking gorgeous women that had fallen for her charm and obvious beauty. I wished I was out with them, instead of just rocking on my bed, knees curled into my chest, in the complete fucking emptiness with mental images of Naomi, Freddie and make-up sex floating around in my head. Actually no, that's a lie, the imagination I could do without, but I needed to remember her. I had to remember how genuine it had all felt, no one had ever made me feel anything close to this...and the pain I felt right now, even though fucking hard to deal with, was real. I loved Naomi Campbell and had done from the moment I met her, and she loved me, but couldn't let him go...fuck love. All it does is hurt you.

New day same shit realisation, I hadn't slept for more than a few seconds, which is a cunting achievement considering every time I closed my eyes...I saw them gazing at each other lovingly. Effy had been fucking some random girl almost indefinitely; the hushed groans vibrating through the wall didn't help. I was drowning; unable to save myself...not even sure I actually wanted to save myself.

I didn't wait for Effy to emerge and tell me how much of a twat I was being, I just walked to work...it was a shame I was feeling so completely run down, it was a fucking lovely day. A cerulean sky painted effortlessly with clouds that screamed summer, trees swaying carefully in the distant breeze and even the smell of the sunlight covered world started to dance around me. The walk was peaceful, allowing my mind to wander away from the darkness, hoping that Naomi would be there with her camera and that stupidly sexy grin on her face...acting as though absolutely nothing had happened.

After nearly falling over countless children, who were in the process of skipping to school, I managed to drag my incredibly weary bones through the doors and into the confines of the truth that I was absolutely not looking forward to facing. Naomi wasn't here yet, her wagon's absence told me that...but Katie was, just fucking great, all I needed was a royal bollocking from the 'know it all' older twin. I could do without her lecture; actually I could do without the smug look on her painfully similar face once again telling me that everything in my life had fucked itself up when hers was absolutely perfect. But she didn't even speak, just wrapped me up tightly in a Fitch hug, she felt like she almost didn't want to let me go...maybe she did understand just how confused, lost, scared and helpless I was feeling. The resounding silence was attacked as a voice shattered everything, he was far too happy...was he really the only one who hadn't fucking got just how terribly my world had careened into the abyss yesterday?

"Morning, well yesterday was eventful wasn't it, Emily I just can't seem to comprehend just exactly what it was that resonated off of the two of you whilst I was..." JJ gets locked on, something he has been dealing with for quite a while and something that we only found out about yesterday and have been trying to help with. Usually a quick, and gentle, slap around the face whilst telling him that he is getting locked on, generally snaps him out of it.

"Hey JJ, you ready for today..." He simply nodded as his complete attention seemed to wander past me, his eyes crumbled slightly, making me turn around just in time to see Naomi and Freddie exchange a parting kiss at the door. Maybe he did understand, why the fuck did everyone seem to understand but the one person that really mattered. Why was Naomi fighting it? I didn't know, my brain was refusing to work after everything that had just knocked me backwards, I'm surprised I still managed to stand.

Hope is a funny thing really; something that you never really hold that tightly until the one breaking moment that it is stolen from you. It holds us together, makes us believe that no matter how shit things got there was always the chance of redemption. But as soon as it's gone, nothing seems the same. I wanted to cry, curl up into a giant helpless ball of loneliness and shake myself to death. The pain of being away from her without knowing was nothing compared to the utter ache that had set in as I saw her proclaim her choice. It was him, of course it was fucking him, I was an idiot to think for even a second that she would pick me...they were too strong together. I was just temptation, something thrown in to test the waters of their relationship and I fucking hated myself in an instant for even trying to be something more than that. That still didn't stop the hurt, just amplified it, for fuck sake...she had felt it, she had wanted it...and now, well...she was denying it. If the denial didn't kill me, all hope of reconciliation fleeting outwards as he smiled smugly at me, certainly did the trick. My heart had stopped. All logical reason had escaped me. Everything just...ceased. But I was determined to hurt myself more; the reverberating truth was that, even if she didn't want to hear it. I needed to talk to her.

She didn't look at me at all, those blue lying eyes didn't grace mine for a second, she could sense just how fucked up I was feeling. I had said no repercussions, and then told her just how I felt with the most breathless of kisses, yet here she was throwing it back in my face. It felt as though she had ripped my heart out, thrown it bleeding on the ground, stamped on it a few times and then fucking spat on it for good measure. Fuck me, if losing her after a single kiss was this tough, maybe it was a good idea that nothing else was going to happen...I'm certain losing her after something more substantial would fucking destroy me.

I tried to keep my mind busy, thinking about the third circle, gluttony and addiction...where those souls that had given into an introverted indulgence were kept trapped and tormented by Cerberus. Those who had been judged gluttons lay sightless and heedless to those around them, ultimately symbolising the solidarity that came hand in hand with material greed. But the third circle wasn't just for those who had shown an over-indulgence, but addiction, fucking addiction resided there with force. The dependents were forced to wallow in a vile slush, away from the object of their reliance; which seemed punishment enough without all the shit.

Of course, thinking about needing something or someone so much it physically hurts to be away from them, just made my mind wander annoyingly full circle back to the fact that she still wouldn't fucking look at me. My name is Emily Fitch and I am a Naomi-aholic, I was addicted to her, and the complete pressure that resided in her not even seeming to want to be around me, was fucking torture.

The shoot had been discussed, morning cigarettes had been indulged and I still hadn't been permitted a single heart rendering glance from her sapphire pools of unblinking emotion. New thought, maybe being close to her and unable to do anything wasn't my idea of eternal torment, maybe the knowledge that she wanted me as I wanted her but didn't have the strength to do anything about it was actually nearer to residing in the fiery pits of anguish for all time. Either way, I was starting to understand the agony of the third circle, how it feels to be forced away from the one thing you know deep down you can't fucking live without. Pain doesn't even come close to the gut wrenching, earth shattering, non-relenting void that has taken hold of me. I'm empty, emotionless and fucking pissed off that she thinks it is bloody fair that she seems content enough to not only forget it (the kiss shall now and forever be referred to as 'it,' maybe then my mind won't think it fucking meant so much to me) even happened, but to ignore me completely. Not cunting likely bitch, I may be the wet blanket, teddy bear hugging, less boisterous of the two twins, but I still fucking care when my heart gets trodden on...and you are not fucking getting away with it.

I needed to breathe, realising that the look I had on my face would probably be dark enough to destroy all sunshine, lollipops, rainbows and anything else that symbolises a general view of happiness. The conversation had boomed about what exactly the next shoot would entail, they were blabbing on about what to have each of us doing, something along the lines of see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil...but that was bollocks.

"No..." Everyone stopped talking, their attention flicked effortlessly towards me, everyone except the one person that I longed to really look at me. I debated sighing, before just shaking my head and deciding that it would be more powerful for me to make my point by continuing with my rampaging train of thought.

"...It should be solitary, pain, sorrow and nothing but pure agony strewn across their face because of separation from someone, or something, that they know they cannot live without...it should mean something..." Katie's face shot me a look that told me she was going to have a serious talk with me later, JJ actually looked as though his brain was running in circles trying to word just what he thought of my idea...and Naomi. Well; my heart stopped all over again, the purest pain was etched all over her face, I had wanted nothing other than for her to gaze longingly at me but now her blue pools were meeting my own eyes with a mixture of disdain and utter anguish. I felt guilty, I felt fucking guilty for making her feel like that, I knew the pain was my doing, knew that the way she was fighting back tears was due to my outburst. It hurt to see her like that, and no matter how loudly my internal voice screamed at me, saying 'she deserves it, she fucking left you...remember?' it didn't change. I was just forced to watch her get up and leave all over again.

This time I followed, allowing a few seconds between us both just to make it look a little less blindingly obvious than I knew it already did. She was nowhere, I checked the toilets, all the computer rooms and the fucking smoking area, however; everything just seemed to accentuate her absence.

Every fibre of my soul filled with complete trepidation about what I knew I absolutely needed to do the second I saw that her wagon was still sat in the car park, curtains pulled across the windows, music blaring. I didn't stop to think about what it was I had to do, just marched, heart on sleeve towards the one person who could quite easily completely annihilate me. I didn't build up enough speed, my hand reached the handle and I froze. Fuck, why was it so difficult, just open the door...scream at her for being a cunting coward and then leave her like she ran away from you. It should be simple but the complete fear of watching her face fall was enough to make me immobile, stutter and turn around, face in hands, shaking.

I paced for a few seconds, my legs were working at least, mind yelling at me to just do it, everything floundering around. Panic flooded in and I was suddenly faced with the startling truth that if I didn't barge my way in there soon, I wouldn't have the strength to do it...she made me weak, childlike, unable to think, move, or do anything other than sit there, chin hitting the floor thinking about everything I wanted to do to her and everything I wanted to teach her to do to me.

It really was now or never.

"Ok...you need to tell me..." My face was full of fury born out of the silence, but even raw anger wasn't enough, she was crying, and the second I saw tears fall I wanted to do nothing other than to wrap her in my arms and kiss every single one of those tears away. I shuddered, watching as she brushed her tears away, fighting back tears of my own and just wishing it all into nothingness. I stood just studying her face, looking on as she tried and failed several times to speak, I could see everything she had wanted to say hiding behind her tear soaked eyes, gazing up at me with the complete apprehension that was jolting through my soul. I just waited.

"Don't...please Ems...just don't. I need him, he's always been there...I owe him more than this..." I had imagined all number of situations involving her telling me that I wasn't good enough, that she wasn't gay or that she just didn't feel anything for me. But Naomi didn't tell me any of those things, she was just reiterating the point that she was hiding from herself just because she didn't have the strength to break away into something new. I was good enough, she did feel something for me and there was the slightest piece of my brain that didn't think she was completely straight...but she 'owed him more than this' for fuck sake.

"You don't love him Naoms...you proved that with the kiss yesterday, I know you feel something for me...so if you're scared tell me...if you don't know what the fuck is happening to you, tell me...but you will be hurting him more by lying to him..." I furrowed my eyebrows, looked down on her quivering form with saddened eyes and leaning down; placed my hand gently on top of hers. She hadn't looked at me for the entire morning and here she was unable to glance anywhere else, the pain she was so adamantly showing; hurt me terribly. My heart broke just knowing how much I had barged my way into her life and splashed around like a right prick. That's the only problem when you splash around in life, other people end up getting wet and at the moment I had fucking soaked the one person I knew would be in my heart forever.

"I do love him, more than you know Emily...yesterday was an impulse, but Freddie..." She pulled her hand away from mine and in doing so put the final nail in the coffin that encased the hope I already knew was lost.

"...I've got a life with him...he's my safety and I know exactly who I am when I am with him..." This time tears fell from my eyes, so that was it, he was just the safe option...she was so fucking scared of being unsure that she would rather live a passionless life than give anything else a chance.

"You know what...fine...keep lying to yourself, keep telling yourself that everything will turn out for the best, but you and I both know how alive we felt when sharing that kiss...you can tangle yourself in a fucking web of lies all you want but the one thing that threatens to blow your life wide open...you can't lie to your heart. One day, not very far from now you will look at me and wonder what if? And trust me...that is the hardest fucking question to answer..." I forced her eyes to meet the sincerity in mine for a few final fleeting seconds before turning to walk away, leaving behind my future...wandering head first into a vacant existence of feeling nothing but emptiness.

Naomi Campbell, I had known her for no more than seven days and I had already fallen, exclaimed and lost love. I didn't bother to stop and look at the summer world, everything was lacking colour and passion, it just all looked as black and drained as I felt inside. My eyes were stinging with the tears that I couldn't let myself cry in front of her, I needed to stay strong in the face of adverse sorrow...I needed a fucking drink.

This one was really close to home...some of the feelings that were running around in my head after my ex (the bitch) decided to leave me for someone else, it took me a while to get over it and even longer to deal with actually not being with her...so hopefully experience speaks volumes!

Please let me know what you think, also, sorry but there are no excuses for Naomi staying with Freddie, it just felt true...but yeah REVIEW! Let me know just how much you hate me for making you wait even longer for the burst of the sexual tension we all know that they can't escape from!

Big love goes out to you all...