10: Neither be cynical about love

B'Elanna was growing tired of the overcrowded fighter. With nowhere to move, no privacy to sleep, and no real job to speak of, she felt her anxiety rising by the minute. She re-stashed the book she had been mindlessly skimming and stood, stretched, then relocated to the table. There, she shuffled and cut the deck of cards then dealt them out into a round of Klingon solitaire. Halfway through the first game, Colonel Chakotay brushed past the opening in the bulkhead.

He approached the replicator, activated it and said, "'Iw HIq. Cha'."

B'Elanna looked up, bemused. "You're drinking bloodwine?"

"And so are you," he informed her as two pewter mugs appeared before him.

"Hoo boy," she said, taking one from his outstretched hand. "You know, I never really liked this stuff."

"These replicators are rather limited, I'm afraid."

"And they only speak Klingon?"

"That was more for show," he said with a wink, sitting down onto the bunk. Then he took a healthy gulp and used his shirtsleeve to wipe his mouth.

B'Elanna winced at the smell before putting the drink on the table. Even replicated, the pungent odor churned her stomach. "So, how's it going up there?"

The colonel smiled. ""The Intendent and her minions on the Valkyrie are still clueless," he replied. "And back here? I understand you and Seska have been giving each other the silent treatment."

"It was a… misunderstanding," B'Elanna explained. "But, actually, I wanted to ask you about your wife." The thought of broaching this forbidden subject made her stomach churn nearly as much as the lingering smell of bloodwine. "How long have you been together?"

"We've been married four years."

"That's quite a while."

"Yeah. I think I'll keep her," he joked dryly. He took another swig from the mug. With a thud he set it on the table and leaned back on the mattress supported by his elbows.

"How did you two, uh… How did you meet?"

"Side by side, fighting a battalion of Klingons when they raided a Terran resettlement camp near Paris."

"Sounds exciting."

"It was bloody. We lost seventy-six good soldiers. But, we won. Drove the Klingons back. That defeat stung 'em good, too. They lost a lot of respect in the eyes of the Cardies that day," he boasted. Then his demeanor turned from pride to sorrow. "I only wish I could have been there a few weeks ago when the city was lost."

B'Elanna hedged her bets and had to ask, "I don't mean to pry, but, well. How much do you really know about Seska?"

"Enough. Why? What do you know?"

"I know that sometimes people aren't always what they seem to be."

Chakotay narrowed his focus. "The Seska you know doesn't look like mine, does she?"

"Not exactly."

Chakotay looked to the floor and sensing his unease, B'Elanna turned to activate the replicator. "Raktajino, hot."

The drink appeared before her and she cradled it reverently, giving Chakotay time to gather his thoughts. While he did so, B'Elanna noticed him absentmindedly fiddling with the ring on his left hand.

"Six years ago, Seska was altered to appear human and sent to Earth to infiltrate the Resistance. She ingratiated herself to us. Fought alongside us, but was loyal to the Alliance. She reported on our movements, our strategies, she ratted out some of our leadership."

"But you knew?"

"Not at first. First we grew close. She started to see how our people were suffering, that we were only fighting to take back what was rightfully ours. That we weren't the scourge of the galaxy as Alliance propaganda had claimed.

"We were together about a year when she finally confided in me. She destroyed her communication device, fingered a dozen other undercover agents, and never looked back."

"Wow," B'Elanna breathed. She took a thoughtful sip of her warm drink.

"I'm the only one who knows about this, and I intend to keep it that way," Chakotay warned. "She's left her past life behind and I've forgiven her for it, understand?"

B'Elanna nodded quietly. "I'm married too," she confided. "I have a daughter. I've known war and fighting against the odds for what I believe, but it scares me to think about living in a place like this."

"Having a child changes your perspective on a lot of things. And I'm sure that now you want to ask me about my own son."

"I do," she admitted. "But only if you're willing to talk about him."

"To talk about Edward, I first have to tell you about Kat." He reached for the bloodwine that B'Elanna had ignored. "We met at a moonshine bar outside of Bloomington, probably ten years ago now... I was a recruiter then, trying to get people to support what would eventually be the Terran Rebellion. The midwest farmers make great soldiers; they're strong, quick, eager, and bored. Anyway, Kat never wanted to be part of the Resistance. I dragged her into it, kicking and screaming."

"Why would you do that?"

"She was smart, sexy, deadly accurate with a disrupter. And she was also very lonely."

"You took advantage of her?"

"Yes. I absolutely did. And I regret it now more than anything." He looked to the table for a moment then continued on, quieter than before. "Two weeks after Edward was born, I left on a raider to infiltrate one of the command centers on Cardassia. I had no way to communicate with her, no idea if I would even make it back alive. Like an idiot, I told her to do whatever she had to do to stay safe.

"When I returned months later, she was gone. Just up and left. No note, no nothing." Chakotay's gaze remained firmly fixed on his drink, regret thick in his voice. "People said she had gone to live with her sister in a colony half-way across the sector. But she never made it there.

"I searched for them for two years. It tore me up thinking that they had been captured or killed. Then I finally began to see that maybe she had taken my advice to heart and had found somewhere to squirrel away so that she and the boy would be safe. I realized my poking around could put them at risk. So I stopped looking."

"I don't understand, if you stopped looking –"

"There were four of us," the colonel dove back into his story. "Seska and two others… It was just after I married her. Anyway, we infiltrated the Intendant's palace late one night, set explosive charges in the entire residence wing. I was on my way out when I heard a voice inside one of the rooms and something made me stop to listen. It was Kat, she was calming our son down from a nightmare. There were about ninety seconds until the charges were set to blow." He shook his head. "I couldn't let them be killed.

"I compromised the operation, warned Kat and got them out. In turn, Kat alerted security, beamed the Intendant to safety and had me thrown in a prison cell."

B'Elanna couldn't peel her eyes away. Her voice hitched in her throat. "Did the charges go off? How did you escape?"

"Oh, they went off. Killed a dozen of her top aides. Made a nice mess of the place too. But we didn't get our target. I certainly failed that one."

"You couldn't let your son be killed. Surely your comrades had to understand that."

"No one found out what went wrong," he said softly. "Not even Seska knows." He attempted to take a sip from his mug, then realizing it was empty, cast it aside.

"Anyway, the Intendant was on her way to slit my throat. I heard her footsteps coming down the corridor. I saw the knife in her hand. I was ready to give her the fight of her life, then everything just disappeared. I materialized in the bamboo forest behind the palace and I ran for days. That's how I stumbled on the hangar we infiltrated."

"Kat?"

"I like to think so. I don't have any other explanation."

"She risked her life to get you out of there, just like you risked yours to save her."

Chakotay shrugged. "Like I said, we have an odd relationship."

"That's an understatement."

"She smuggled a note to me a while later. It was a warning, more than anything. She wants me to stay away, so I have."

"She's put you in a terrible position."

"She has. I can never attack the Intendant because she's always right there, with my family. But I know there's going to come a time when I'm going to have to choose between my son and countless others who deserves freedom.

"And I fear that time is close at hand."

Chakotay had reclined against the wall and welcomed Kathryn's head on his chest. He cradled her close in a position which – while awkward for him – seemed to be the most comfortable for her. He held her hand and gently ran his fingers through her hair, longing to stay connected to her physically, offering respite from injuries and worrisome thoughts.

After a while she dozed into a quiet slumber and he relished in the sound of her steady breathing.

Chakotay was just succumbing to his own heavy eyelids when he heard the outer brig door slide open and footsteps approaching. His whole body tensed painfully with a shot of adrenaline.

"You're dismissed," came the familiar voice.

Chakotay extricated himself from underneath Kathryn. He carefully laid her down on the cot, adjusted the blanket, and then made his way to the forcefield where Kat was waiting, oddly patient.

"Come to steal something else from me?" he asked pointedly. He thrust his hands into his pockets and turned them inside out. "'Cause I'm not sure I have a whole lot left."

"I was listening in on your conversation earlier," she said, a wisp of penance in her voice.

He drew a metered breath, tempering his anger. "Of course you were. Hear anything interesting?"

"A few things, yes."

"Anything interesting enough to make you feel, oh, I don't know. Regret?"

Kat balled her hands into fists and looked to the floor. "It's important to me that you understand how I ended up here. Why I've done what I've done," she admitted.

"A rather irrelevant point, isn't it?"

"Not to me."

Chakotay sighed. "Fine then, what do you want me to know?"

Kat licked her lips. "Just that… if I had seen another way out, especially in the early days, I would have taken it. Chakotay left and I thought he was never coming back. Nowhere on Earth was safe enough. I saw an opportunity to flee, so I did."

"I don't understand. You mean you left Earth?"

She nodded. "My sister and her family had escaped to a colony on the other side of the Cardassian border. I was trying to make it there, but we were intercepted by an Alliance vessel – by the Intendant herself. Everyone I was traveling with was enslaved or killed, but she took pity on me because of my baby. She offered me my first real chance for stability and safety… and I took it."

"And your safety justified making a deal with the devil? You re-sign that contract every single day that you do her bidding. Don't tell me in all those years you didn't have any other alternatives."

She swallowed hard. "I had one. Once. But he had a ring on his finger, and I panicked." She looked as if she were pleading for him to understand. "You're not a parent. You don't know what it's like to have that life in your hands. I'd protect Edward at any cost."

"You're right. I'm not a parent, but I've certainly been responsible for other people's lives. I agree, it doesn't lead to easy decisions, but that's when holding fast to your principles helps to guide you."

"I didn't have many principles back then, other than staying alive. And it's a little too late now."

Chakotay paused, wanting nothing more than to draw the woman close. For all she had put him through, and with such power and cold-hearted determination, she appeared now to be nothing more than broken, trapped, and scared.

"If there's one thing that my Kathryn has taught me," he said after a moment, "it's that there is always a way and it's never too late."

She lifted her eyes to his. "Chakotay," she asked, hesitantly. "If I asked you to trust me, would you?"

He bit his lip. "That depends."

"Does my Chakotay have a role in this? Did he lead her to you?"

He paused, considering her motivations. Then, he took a leap of faith and nodded.

"Thank you," she said softly. She looked to him with genuine remorse once again, and then she turned to leave.

"Tell me something," he rushed, stopping her steps. "Did you ever love him? I mean… really love him. Or was it all just an inconvenience?"

She glanced back and for the most fleeting of moments he forgot that this version of Kathryn was not his own.

"Oh yes," she whispered. "I loved him. Very much. But trust and love are two very different things."

An hour after making her confession to Chakotay, Kat closed the book she had been reading aloud and carefully extracted her arm out from underneath where the little boy had fallen asleep against her. She swung his legs up onto the cushions and wedged a pillow under his head. Then she covered him with a throw and placed a lingering kiss on his forehead.

Pulling herself away, she padded softly into the next room.

The water from the sink felt cool against her face but did little to ease the nauseous feeling which had crept into her gut. Looking up, she caught her reflection in the mirror. Fingertips dancing above the scar along her cheek, she thought back to the Intendant's absolute control and how before long she might finally be free from it.

Soon, she thought. Soon this nightmare will be over. It has to be.

Her son would grow up without his mother, but at least he would know that she did the right thing. His father would see to that.

She slipped her uniform jacket back on, stepped into her boots and cast one final glance at Edward before leaving her quarters. There were only a few hours until the Intendant would be awake, and she had quite a lot of things to arrange before then.

"Chakotay," Seska called back from the helm. "The Valkyrie is transmitting new orders."

The colonel rose from where he and B'Elanna had been playing cards and moved forward with her in tow. "What are they?"

"They're coordinates, but they're the same ones we already have. Why would they resend them?" Seska wondered aloud.

The colonel's expression soured. "That is very strange. You're sure there isn't anything new in the message?"

"Doesn't seem like it."

"Let me take a look," B'Elanna offered, happy to finally have something to do. Gunny slid away from his console and she replaced him, her fingers deftly working at a decryption algorithm. "There's another layer to this message. Hang on, I'm trying to extract it."

Seska stole a questioning glance at her husband. "Do you think…?"

He shook his head. "I don't know why she would."

"I've got it," B'Elanna exclaimed. "It's audio only."

'Chakotay,' came the hushed, but unmistakable voice of Kathryn Janeway. 'I know you're out there. I want to make a deal. Get our son off of this vessel. Get him away from here, as far away as you can, and I'll make sure that the weapon is destroyed. Do this for your son, Chakotay. Do it for me. And if that's not enough, then do it because if you don't, I'll expose you, Tom, and all of the other operatives you have in this Alliance. All of them.'