A/N: We should seriously be strung up and... well, strung up for taking so long to update this bad boy. Please to be forgiving! Life's ups and downs and hard left turns and monkey wrenches are all very much a bitch sometimes.

MANY MANY thanks to twilover76 (who is currently writing the fantastical "No Ordinary Proposal") and Jasper's Destiny for beta'ing and reading over this chapter... and to you all for taking the time to read it!

EPOV

"I am so second hand embarrassed right now," I said with a straight face as Bella and I slid into the cab whose driver had so graciously waited for us.

"Oh... definitely. Me too," she added with only a slight grin cracking through her serious facade.

Once we were nestled safely inside the yellow four door and gliding away from the scene of the crime, so to speak, we burst into hysterics.

We were so busy laughing and cackling, on the way back to my place, from what we'd stumbled upon, that it didn't cross our minds to make out like animals in the back of that cab, again.

We tried to delete it from our brains. We tried not to snicker and snort. Really. But sometimes, ya just gotta let go in order to get it all outta your system.

I shook my head as I made all attempts to control my inner twelve-year-old.

"I cannot believe they were..."

"Oh my God, me either!" She guffawed again as we recounted the things we'd witnessed in Alice's apartment that could not be unseen.

Bella was apparently twelve also.

Like two peas in an alien space pod, we were.

"When we saw..."

"Right! And then what they were..."

"I mean, I didn't even think she owned one of those..."

"I've known the girl for four years, and I swear to peanut butter and banana pudding sandwiches, I have never seen her use something like that. Like that."

I stared blankly at my girlfriend.

Then I smiled because... you know... girlfriend.

"What?"

"You actually eat sandwiches with peanut butter and banana pudding on them?"

She nodded and looked at me like I was the crazy one.

"Together?"

"Yes." She giggled, slapping my arm lightly and burying her face into my neck. She threw a leg over my lap to sit facing me. Bella's lips did not need any introductions as they left hot kisses along my jaw.

I might have groaned a little as she gyrated against me, causing the previously dismissed hard on to return.

"I thought you liked my pudding, Edward," she murmured into my ear, letting her breath warm my skin and her hands warm my dick. "And I know a certain appendage of yours that would taste absolutely scrumptious smothered with thick, creamy banana pudding. I'd most definitely want to lick it clean."

I'm pretty sure I pumped into that hand like a kid getting his first hand job behind the bleachers at school. She just did that to me, made me feel like this was all a first.

And it was, I guess.

I mean, I'm pretty sure I never would've started a relationship out with a hooker... someone I thought was a hooker anyway. I'm glad she wasn't a hooker, don't get me wrong, I just think that there was some sort of kismet going on that led me to her that night I'd mistakenly wanted to arrest her is all.

"I love your pudding... I love my pudding and your pudding... together," I told her back, pulling at her hips to cause more friction between us.

She moaned. "I want you to want my pudding."

"Oh, I definitely want your pudding."

Just as we were getting into it, and I thought I was gonna have some sort of religious experience right there inside my jeans, the cab jolted to a halt and the cab driver yelled at us in some unknown language.

"I think he wants us to get out." Bella giggled and I agreed. We tipped him a little more than we probably should have and tried to apologize for our less than mature behavior in the back of his car, but he was already half way down the block by the time we got a sentence out.

Just as well.

I looked up at my building, then over at Bella. "Well, here we are."

"Yep," she agreed, but she seemed hesitant to actually... go in.

"What's wrong?" I asked her, turning to take her hand in mine. "You okay?"

She swallowed and lowered her head a little. "It's just... I mean, this is it."

"What do you mean, this is it? Of course this is it; I live here." I kinda chuckled, wondering what in the hell her punch line would be but then she looked up at me and seemed worried about something.

"This isn't a one night stand anymore, Edward, is what I'm trying to say. You don't think I'm a hooker, and I don't think you're just some random guy that might help me get over my gay ex-boyfriend."

Correction: dumb ass, gay ex-boyfriend.

"And?"

"And what if..." she looked up, "...what if it doesn't work out? What if you decide in a week or two that I'm nuts? Because dude, I totally am nuts! I'm just worried you know, now that the chase is over you'll wonder what you saw in me in the first place," she rambled, biting at her finger. "I mean, what if..."

"What if you just stop worrying so much, Bella," I said, cutting her off before she could get to anything really gruesome, like what if a bus runs us over while we're standing here talking about what ifs?

"I don't want to," she insisted. "I want this to be real. I want you to be real."

I smiled at her. Damn she was cute when she was all OCD like this.

"I'm real, you're real. And trust me when I say... this..." I pulled her into me and slid a hand around her waist while my other one rested against her cheek, "is real."

I kissed her and it seemed like it was enough to convince her, because after, she grinned and bit that bottom lip of hers like she was getting some really evil ideas inside that beautiful head of hers.

"Let's go upstairs," she said, and then she pulled me along as she hurried through the lobby of my building and caught the elevator just as the doors were about to close. "But there's still something I need to tell you."

Bella POV

It was all I could do not to start humping his leg on the ascent up to his floor. Of course, my eyes were glued to his crotch the entire ride, and I whimpered as I noticed the elevator wasn't the only thing rising.

Shit, I wanted him so badly... but there was something we really needed to discuss first. I wasn't going to screw things up this time since we kind of had issues with communicating properly.

I'd never been one of those girly-girl types—the kind that talked about their feelings and demanded a commitment before making the beast with two back. I don't know... maybe if I were we never would have found ourselves in this mess in the first place.

Whatever. I didn't believe in regret, because regretting the past negated the future.

I turned to Edward when we reached his door. "I think we should discuss terms."

He made a strange sound in his throat that I could only liken to a dying moose.

"Uh, what? Terms…like money, or—"

"You didn't just say that." I placed my hands on my hips and tried to scowl, but I was too turned on to screw my face up into a sour expression. The only thing I wanted to screw was Edward. "I want your cock." Wait, that wasn't what I meant to say!

"I want you to have my cock." He pressed his forehead against mine and exhaled a long breath.

"Do you want me, Edward?" I asked, because, well, a girl needed reassurance.

"Does this answer your question?" he countered, placing my hand on his crotch. Little Edward (who wasn't little at all) twitched in greeting.

"No. I mean, yeah, it's hard and stuff... but I want you to tell me how much you want me."

"I want you, Bella. And not just for the sex."

I raised an eyebrow. "You don't want the sex?"

"No, no, I do!" he said, burying his face into the crook of my neck. "I want the sex...very fucking much. I just mean I want to be with you... I want you, and the sex, and us... I want all of it."

"Ah." I nuzzled against his head, his mouth hot against my skin. I fought to find my voice while his wicked tongue worked in tandem with his teeth. "Those are the terms I'd like to discuss."

"Terms of endearment?"

"Precisely. Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I love you."

A slow grin crawled across his face, and for a second I became afraid that he'd start singing "so what am I so afraid of" in response to my declaration.

But a full sixty seconds later, Edward had failed to reply.

"So... I guess. I mean..." I bit my finger instead of finishing my sentence, but Edward pried it out of my mouth. "This is so fucked up."

"Hey, now... there's nothing fucked up about loving someone."

"Right... well, that's comforting. I mean, I get it. Love takes time. It's just... do you think down the road sometime you might love me, too?" I wanted to crawl into a vat of pudding and hide.

"Bella, and please look at me when I say this, there is no way I'm ever letting you go ever again. I don't care how pissed off you get at me the next time I say something completely idiotic, and believe me when I say there will be a next time, or how fucked up we seem together. I love you so much I can't see straight." He squeezed my hand, bringing my fingers to his mouth. He kissed every fingertip before pulling me so tightly against him I could feel every strong ridge of his body, every nook and cranny... and I really loved his nooks and crannies.

"So you..."

"I definitely love you," he repeated.

"I love you, too!"

"And there's absolutely no rush with the sex," Edward said, his voice solemn despite the tower he'd erected in his his jeans.

"Shut up and fuck me!" I squealed.

"Alrighty then!"

I grappled for the fly of his pants as he pulled my shirt over my head with enthusiastic hands. As the hem got caught on my chin, effectively blinding me, I realized we were both a little too over eager, and if we didn't slow the fuck down, this make up sex session would be over before it began.

"Strip!" I ordered, shooing him away. The poor guy seemed reluctant to let go of my tits.

"But I want to undress you," he almost whined, his voice adorably pitiful.

"Goddammit, CUMasen, take your cock out now, or I swear I'll start mooing!"

"Yes, ma'am." He saluted me with a delicate shudder. Without another word, I watched as he pushed his jeans over his hips and struggled out of his shirt. Drool collected at the corner of my mouth at the sight of his near naked body. I wanted to kiss and taste every inch of him, so much so that I forgot to take my own damn clothes off!

Stepping out of my skirt, I wrapped my arms around my torso, standing in the unforgiving light of the hallway in only my underwear.

"Take them off, pudding girl."

"It's really bright in here." I bit my lip.

"Since when are you shy?"

"I'm not!" I protested. "It's just... we've only ever done this at night, and you look like an underwear model while I..." My voice trailed off.

"Are you kidding me?" In two long strides he was beside me, pulling me to his bare chest. My breasts flattened against him, and I could feel his heart racing against my skin. "Do you have any idea how beautiful and sexy you are?"

"I'm alright, I guess, plain or whatever."

He shook his head, angling my chin so I was forced to maintain eye contact with him. "Fucking gorgeous, Bella. By far the most beautiful, sexy woman I've ever seen. And how a motherfucker like me got lucky enough to love you... shit, it's like I won the lottery."

"The way you regard me is ridiculous." I grinned. "But, fuck me, I love you so much."

This time was different somehow. I had expected things to be pretty hot and frenzied, given how much we wanted each other and how long we'd gone without, but rather than a hard, quick albeit wholly satisfying fuck, Edward lay me down on his ridiculous sheets and made love to me with his eyes before he even touched me.

"You're it for me, Swan," he whispered, kissing a trail down my neck to my breast.

A moan tore out of me in response. I wanted to say something sweet, tell him how much I adored and loved and treasured him, but all I could manage was a porn star groan. But still, he grinned down at me like he understood.

My hands pushed into his firm ass as he rode me…slow, slow, and oh, so deep. I needed him harder, and I might have growled a little as he continued on with an agonizingly slow pace.

I couldn't explain it. Making love to Edward wasn't at all about getting off (okay, maybe it was in part). Feeling his body, hot and slick with sweat, move over me almost frustrated me because I couldn't get him close enough. My fingers dug into the corded muscles of his back, and my inner thighs squeezed his hips, clutching him to me.

"Need you," I whispered, biting the tender flesh of his neck.

"Need you, too. Always." Hot breath, wet tongue, sweet kisses all over my neck and breasts... I clung to him, moving my hands down to his lower back and raising my head so I could kiss his chest. He tasted like salt, but he smelled so clean and minty. I seriously wanted to bathe myself in him, to never lose the evidence of our bodies' connection. I loved it all—the smell of his skin on mine, the tiny bruise his devious kisses left just above my nipple.

"I'll never have enough of this," I warned him.

"Bella," he whispered from somewhere between my breasts, "fuck, neither will I."

He pulled back and rolled us over until my body draped over his. I giggled as his eager hands eased me back onto his cock.

"I need to watch you come," he said with a thrust. "Oh shit, you're killing me here."

"Oh really?" I gyrated my hips, feeling so full with him inside me. "Well, who am I to deny a dying man's wish?"

There was something about being on top that made it impossible to stave off my orgasm. Not that I had anything against coming, it was just that I tended to orgasm like a man: only once.

But, fuck me, what an orgasm it was! I cried out, bearing down and riding him hard as he held my hips.

"Shit, Bella, I can feel you squeezing me." His breath was hot in my ear, and I fell forward, crying out into his chest.

"Come, Cullen," I pleaded, exhausted.

That was when he started mooing.

"What are you doing?" I giggled.

"Being silly. I came just before you did. You were too busy screaming my name to notice." He wrapped his arms around me and rolled us over so that we were spooning.

"I did not scream your name!"

"Sure you did." He chuckled. "You said 'oh God, oh God, oh God'."

I smacked him but said, "I love you, Edward Cullen," because I really, really did love him—a lot, even if he was insufferably ridiculous.

"I love you, Bella Swan," he replied, handing me a stuffed monkey. "Here, you get to cuddle Starsky tonight."

"What're you gonna cuddle?" I mumbled.

"You, baby." He kissed my forehead. "From now on, only you."

Edward POV

Bella and I meant what we said to each other that day. We were in love.

The kind of love you feel deep down in your bones. And not just the bone in my boxers...

Who knew how it happened or why but really, who cares? We'd found each other, and we weren't letting go. We'd make it work.

In fact, within six months of really dating each other - and I mean, like, dating without all the hoopla dramatics of not mistaking her for a hooker or anything - we were talking about moving in together.

It made sense, since we were pretty much living together anyway, except that neither of us had clothes at the other one's place, and we were paying rent on two places instead of one. So we let her lease run out, and we recruited Emmett and some of the other guys from the precinct to help lug all of her things over to my apartment.

It was the bigger of the two places and closer to work for both of us.

About a year after that, and with some serious coaxing of Charlie Swan, to convince him I wasn't gay or anything, I asked her to marry me.

So we pretty much did things right.

I mean, other than that whole thing where I thought she was a hooker at first and all.

And in the end, what did it really matter? Because we got there... how does that song go? First comes the girl of your dreams, then comes LOVE... then comes marriage... then cums Edward so hard he knocks his wife up with twins one night.

Something like that anyway.

Today, she's still my wife, still the love of my life, and she still likes to make inappropriate references to pudding cups... unfortunately, even when our children beg for them at the grocery store.

I'd doubted for a long time, in my twenties, that Mrs. Right had actually existed.

I'd all but given up when I met Bella that night outside the metro.

She proved me wrong.

So take it from me, if you happen to run across the perfect girl, even if it might seem like less than perfect circumstances, latch on to her, get past the bumps in the road and the crazy Russian-slash-Jamaican hookers and all the other crazy shit in between... and never let her go. You may not get another chance at that kind of love.

Oh, and never, ever make sexual innuendos with your girlfriend-turned-wife using pudding cups. Because there's a chance said pudding will turn out to be a favorite with your future children.

It's just wrong.

A/N: And that, ladies & gentlemen, is what we in show biz like to call... The End.

Okay everybody pretty much calls it the end but it sounded cool, right?

We really truly double dog, tripple scoop, banana pudding sundae hope you liked it and had some fun!

Thank you to everyone who pimped, read, reviewed, and supported us while writing this bit of fun. Thanks to Sue, Perry, Tina, and Heather for beta/pre-reading.

SOME FYIs: 1) PENAL CODE is up for a GIGGLE SNORT AWARD! ("Funniest Fumble"). Go vote for your faves and thanks for the nom! Lots to choose from this year! And 2) Flanny & The Freak have committed to contributing an Alice-Jasper outtake to Penal Code for the Fandoms 4LLS. What exactly happened back in that apartment anyway? Donate to find out! More deets on the blog at .com.