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Chapter 10: Truth hurts.
Beca stormed upstairs and breathed deeply as she changed into much comfier clothes before going downstairs again. For her surprise, the woman had sat again and was chatting quietly with her friends in a sympathetic tone.
"Didn't I make myself clear?" Beca growled with a voice she didn't know she had "I have guns in this house and I still have a license to use them, I won't doubt, you know?"
"Come on Rebeca, just give me a chance…" the woman smiled kindly at her "Plus, you wouldn't shoot your mommy, wouldn't you?"
"Don't you dare call yourself my mother, Ruth!" Beca yelled suddenly and Aubrey and Jesse stared at each other with surprised faces, while Chloe had jumped startled "I am not your daughter! I have no parents, and that's how I want it to be." Beca snapped roughly. The woman in question, Ruth, nodded slowly in a sad way and stood up "Get out or I'll call the police, I'm not joking."
"But Beca… I haven't seen you in nine years…" Ruth said with watery eyes. Chloe, Jesse and Aubrey observed patiently.
"And why was that, Ruth? Why did I leave? You think I don't know?" Beca yelled at her.
"Beca sweetie, calm down…" Chloe intervened a bit "She's your mother, she just wants to talk to you for a bit…"
"You don't know what she did to me Chloe." Beca whispered glaring at Ruth. She wouldn't yell at Chloe "You didn't tell them, didn't you, coward? You came here playing the paper of the confused mother who has no idea why her daughter ran away from home, you probably what, started showing pictures, sharing stories like you adored me? And blaming Jordan for me leaving. You probably sold my friends the image of you being the super amazing mother who searches the whole world for her girl to help her and welcome her back home, didn't you?" Ruth's face said it all. Beca sighed "I knew it. Make both of us a favor and disappear from my life Ruth."
"I've gotten better Beca. What I did to you, I was drunk, I was drugged, I wasn't me and wasn't thinking!" Ruth started to get desperate "But I love you, and I've hated myself so bad all these years for what I did, I've wanted to apologize to you so many times! Becs honey, you have to believe me, no one is more sorry than I am… Please, couldn't we forget and move on? Start over, like a family?"
Beca seemed to be reaching the top of her anger and stared angrily in disbelief for a few seconds before grabbing her sweater and throwing it to the floor, standing in her bra and pants in front of her mother, angrily.
"Look at me!" Beca yelled at her mother, making her jump and her voice reverberate in the whole room "I'm a Sergeant! And half my scars, you made them! Turning off your cigarettes against my skin!" Beca pointed to her right arm, that had some darker spots of skin from old burns "cutting me!" she pointed to lines on her belly "How many times have you slapped me, mom?" she growled, angrier by the second. Her three friends exchanged concerned glances and Ruth stepped back as Beca stepped forward "How many times have you punched me and used me like the sack to let go your anger? how many times did you call me whore, slut, piece of shit, worthless, useless, unloved, unwanted, hated…?" Beca was doing a big effort not to slap the woman across the face, but finally she ended up exploding and slapping Ruth hard on the cheek "GO TO HELL, BURN, AND NEVER COME BACK!" Beca yelled with all her lungs.
Her head was pounding like crazy and she took her t-shirt and stormed out, running upstairs. She couldn't take more. The room was spinning and before she knew it, she was kneeling in front of the toilet emptying her stomach. She shouldn't have done so much effort, she knew for a person that had had a big concussion, the last few weeks had been a nightmare, and what she just did wasn't much better. She felt cold and sweaty, and she was shaking, although she couldn't tell if that was from rage or from being sick. Beca locked the door with trembling hands and slumped to get the hands towel, soaked it with cold water, and pressed it against her face breathing deeply as she sat on the floor with her back against the wall and focused on her breathing for a while. She heard the main door downstairs close and soon after, she heard steps by the stairs.
Beca didn't have to wait much to hear a soft knocking against the bathroom's door.
"Beca, Ruth left. Is everything alright honey? Can we do anything for you?" Aubrey asked. Beca thought for a few seconds and then nodded and stood up opening the door. In front of her were her three concerned friends.
"I'm okay, I just… I've been overworking my brain lately, I guess." She put her t-shirt, that she had thrown on the floor, back on, and stepped out of the bathroom "I'm gonna find my painkillers."
"I'll go." Chloe offered "Why don't you just go to bed and rest a bit?"
"We'll keep an eye on the meal and call when it's ready." Aubrey said. Beca nodded and walked to her bedroom.
Beca lied on a side of her bed in a fetal position and closed her eyes, sighing as she tried to focus in something else but the throbbing pain she was feeling. Chloe, however, didn't take long to come with Beca's painkillers and a glass of water to help her swallow. Beca did and then lied back on the bed.
"Thanks Chlo." She whispered closing her eyes.
"You're welcome." Chloe replied with her soft, tender voice leaving the glass on the bedside table and climbing on the bed behind Beca, spooning with an arm over Beca, intertwining their fingers. "So… my parents are dead. And your parents are alive and the worst of them all." Beca nodded and moved to lie against her back, moving her face to look at Chloe. Beca's hands were on her belly, one of them intertwined with one of Chloe's.
"We are two lucky women." Beca joked sarcastically and Chloe chuckled.
"Actually, yes." Beca stared at her intently, sinking in her blue eyes "We could be alone but we have each other. And Aubrey and Jesse."
Beca stared in silence, thoughtful, and Chloe ran her thumb around the back of Beca's hand softly.
"I'm sorry about your father." Beca said and Chloe nodded slowly and sighed.
"I know. I'm sorry about your parents being assholes. How long have you know?" Chloe asked.
"I think I started suspecting it with the first dreams or when I first went to take a bath and saw my scars, and my tattoos… I started thinking of who I am… and I realized I couldn't come from the same place you did." Beca explained "Then I started having specific dreams of being hit, and put two and two together."
Beca had found out she had several tattoos. She had a feather over her left hip along the verge of her pants, that as she looked in the Internet, meant freedom and air; she had a dara celtic knot tattoo that looked a bit like a tree on her left upper arm, she didn't know how she knew what it was but she remembered it somehow, and Internet said it meant power, destiny, wisdom, strength, endurance and leadership; then, she had an African symbol along the outer arch of her right foot called the owo foro adobe that meant persistence and prudence; and finally her last tattoo was the dwennimmen symbol of strength and humility that she had tattooed on the back of her neck. She somehow liked all of her tattoos, but also felt intrigued by them and knew their powerful meanings meant her life had been rough.
Chloe, on the other side, only had two tattoos. One was a little ladybug on her right forearm that she had told Beca it was her mom's favorite animal and she got it after her death. The other was the Hindi word for "strength" that she had on her left wrist.
"Beca…" Chloe bit her lip nervously, her faces so close they could feel each other's breaths "I know that woman hurt you in ways that are hard to even imagine, but she changed. She's not a drunk or a drug addict anymore Beca, and you know it in your heart. I know having her would make you so happy… and I want you to have that. Would you… I'm not saying you just forgive her, no. I'm just saying… would you at least listen to what she has to say?" Beca couldn't glare hard at the woman, she just looked down.
"Okay. I'll call her and ask her to come and tell me whatever tomorrow, but only because I know it would mean a lot to you." Beca whispered and Chloe smiled.
"Thanks. At least one of us will have a mother."
"Chlo…" Beca frowned in concern and Chloe curved her lips into a sad smile "You have a mother. She's just… her cell is off or out of range." She joked a bit, and Chloe chuckled and shook her head.
"You're such an asshole." Chloe joked playfully slapping her arm.
"You're beautiful." Beca said suddenly, and her ears felt too warm as Chloe stared at her "You look just like your mother. Except for your eyes. You have your father's eyes. It's crazy because… I never met your family, but I can see them in you." Chloe's eyes were getting glassy, but Beca decided to go on, now that she had started "I see your mother's beautiful smile and red hair, your brother's dimples, and your father's eyes. I see the kindness you picked from your parents, how you're always cleaning your hands and being hygienic because you're a doctor's daughter, how you're always looking everywhere in the car and being so focused you barely talk and forget to sing despite you do it all the time, because you don't want to end like your brother, the same way you're always trying not to get too sad, and to always find the comfort you need even if that includes getting too touchy because you're afraid not doing it costs you so much pain you end your life too. And maybe it's because you spend the biggest part of your life with your father, but he left so much in you. You're methodic, thorough, compassionate, passionate, intelligent, persistent… you're so many things… and I know a big part of who you are is because you were raised by amazing parents." Chloe sniffled soundly and nodded looking down and letting a tear fall. And then another. "And I'm so thankful you had them because… well, if you weren't you, I probably would be rotting in some drainage in Pakistan." Chloe smiled through the tears and let a sob out. Beca turned to her side to face Chloe and, putting a hand under her cheek and another over her wrist, she hugged her closer and tighter, pressing her forehead against hers as her thumb erased Chloe's tears and her other hand rested on her back.
Chloe sobbed for a while, and Beca just lied in silence, stroking and touching her, until they both fell asleep. Aubrey gently woke them up to tell them to go downstairs because dinner was ready, and after dinner, each went to their bed, Beca and Chloe sharing Beca's bed.
"Beca." Chloe whispered in the dark "Are you awake?" she put a hand on Beca's belly.
"Yes." Beca whispered opening her eyes "You okay?"
"Yes, sorry. It's just... I'm thinking about moving to my childhood house, be close to my family." Chloe said "When I get better, you know. But the University of Boston emailed me offering me a teaching spot, since I have a PhD in Archeology. It's very well paid and it seems like it could be fun, but I'd have to move to Boston. And I don't know what to do, because in Denver I haven't been able to find a job."
"If it wasn't about jobs and money, what would you do?" Beca asked.
"I don't know." Chloe shrugged "In one side, I really want to be in Colorado because my family is there and I don't want to sell my house. But I also can't be there because it's too many memories, and also, I've always wanted to live outside of my hometown, preferably near the beach, so I could go on the weekends and stuff… and I never really loved Denver, it was cool and fine but it's not the place I want to raise my family in. And I also don't want to be surrounded by the ghosts of my past even though I don't want to not be either. Does that make sense?"
"Yes." Beca replied and squeezed her hand over her belly "Look, Boston is an awesome city, Massachusetts is one of the best states there is, and it was the sea, and the time difference is not so big with the zero meridian so you can travel to Europe and not be so jetlagged, and it's close to New York City and Washington DC, or Florida, all cool, interesting places. Also, it may be a bit cold, but you'll have snow in the winter. And you have a great job waiting for you there, Chloe. So if I were you, I'll take it." Beca replied looking at Chloe, and smiled a little "After India, everything will seem closer to home. If that job is so well paid, you can go see your family often, sell that house that will cause you more pain than comfort, and fly like the bird you are. Like your father did, right? Boston is close to North Carolina too, so you can see your family. And Denver, you already know it. Go, see other places. Seeing more a stone, sitting more often over their remains… it won't help you. Starting over will. And you seem to have found the perfect opportunity."
"You're right." Chloe said after a small time of thoughtful silence "I should go to Boston. They told me I had to be there tops in June, for the meetings for the new scholar year, since I wouldn't start teaching until September. So I have time to pack up things and also recover some… I'll miss Denver and it will be weird to leave my home and all the memories… but I think you'll right. It's time for me to pass the page."
"Yeah. And you'll always carry them in your heart, Chlo." Beca smiled looking at her, although it hurt her to think she would be so far away.
"I don't want to be so far away from you either, though. Or Aubrey or Jesse, although maybe I can convince them to move close to me, maybe to Virginia or something. Great hospitals over there."
"I know… me neither. But hey, we'll have a great time when I help you pack things." Beca tried to be optimistic "I'll miss you all like crazy when you start finding your places."
"And you? Have you found your place here?" Chloe asked. Beca shrugged.
"I don't know. I don't even know my dream job. I just know I'm signing the papers to leave the Army next week." Beca sighed and Chloe rubbed a thumb against her belly.
"Come with me to Boston then." Chloe suggested.
"With you? To Boston?" Beca asked surprised, Chloe giggled.
"Yes? Sell everything and come. Jesse and Aubrey have each other. We don't have to be alone Becs. I don't want to. And this way, we won't miss each other." Chloe reasoned. Beca grinned.
"Yes. Let's go to Boston." Beca chuckled.
The night was filled with nightmares about posters on the street with her face offering an economic compensation to whoever found her, and others about being kicked to unconsciousness. However, the next day, as Beca promised, she invited her mother, Ruth, for tea in the afternoon to listen to her. The four friends sat together on one sofa and Ruth sat on the other, while Chloe held Beca's hand over her lap.
"So?" Beca inquired raising her eyebrows towards Ruth.
"Mm, yes… so… I've been completely clean from alcohol and any drugs, for seven years now." The mother explained "When you left I uh, at first I thought you'd come back. A weekend passed and I knew nothing about you. Then, a week passed. That's when I called your father and asked if by any chance you had gone there, and he went hysteric calling me a bad mother and stuff… hypocrite." Beca nodded "So I called police. They didn't take long to realize you had ran away because I was a mess, so they put special effort in finding you, and still nothing. I… you can't even imagine Beca, I've never been so scared in my life, thinking you were dead in some corner or something and it was all my fault…" Beca fixed her eyes on a spot on her mother's sofa "I think that's when I understood I really had sunk and I started going to rehab. It took several failed attempts, but at the end I got myself back in the train. I found a job as a teacher in some high school in San Francisco, where I still work, although I explained the principal I had just found the daughter I believed dead and she gave me some free weeks. I tried to get your father to help finding you but… well, maybe you remember how he is." Ruth nodded for herself "I've missed you so much Beca… I'm so sorry for everything I did to you and all the pain I caused you." Her eyes went glassy "I know I'm the worst mother, and you deserve so much better than me and I'm sorry you had to content with that but I promise I've changed. And I still want to be your mother."
There were a few seconds of silence that Beca interrupted.
"Who's Grandma Jude?" Beca asked, surprising them. Ruth nodded slowly with a bittersweet smile.
"You remember her, of course." She seemed happy about it "She's my mother, Jude Geraldine Fanning. Single surname, Snow. My family is from San Francisco. Your father's, from Seattle, like you. However, my mom moved close to us in 1990, a few months after you were born the previous year, because me being a teacher and your father an attorney, we needed some extra hands with you and your father's family, the Mitchells, were kind of really busy. Your paternal grandmother was dead already, your grandmother very, very old and sick, and my father had died a few months after you were born, barely had time to met you. So my mother was lonely and an amazing woman, and offered to come and help. And she was great. You two were together more than you were with anyone else and you really, really loved her." Ruth explained "When I started having problems, around the time you turned eight, she was the one who really took care of you. Your father… do you remember your father?"
"Not much." Beca reckoned.
"Of course." Ruth sighed "Jordan, he was never there, was part of the reason I started having problems. I also have genetic predisposition to rage problems, which you inherited but learnt to control much better than I ever did. We had economic trouble, your father was always working although when you were fourteen I found out he was having a double life and had a two year old with another woman, so he probably spent most of his 'working' time with his other family, the one he has always loved, took care of… he's still with them, now they have a big family of course." Beca nodded slowly, clenching her teeth, and Chloe squeezed her hand drawing patrons on the back of it with her thumb "So really, the only one who was always there for you was Grandma Jude. She taught you how to play the guitar and the piano, and how to sing, because she had the most beautiful voice. But she died in June 30th, 1999. You were ten and I was by then hitting you so much and she was who protected you the most since your father ignored you, and it broke your heart. I saw it, and I was also so hurt instead of making it easy, I made sure your life was pure hell. It always surprised me you didn't leave sooner and hung in there eight years more. I divorced your father the moment I found out he had a double life, took you and we went to San Francisco, where I enrolled you in a school you hate where kids bullied you for things I never bothered to learn and when I wanted, you had already graduated high school with honors and left that summer." Beca nodded daring to look at her. Ruth bit her lip nervously "How is it that you went from there to… an US Army Sergeant?"
"I only remember small bites." Beca replied "Luckily the Pentagon had investigated me when they found out I had amnesia, so they could tell me my life." Beca continued a bit reluctantly. She looked at Chloe's hands around her own, and decided to keep going "Somehow I reached Arizona. Somehow I bought a home and enlisted, I suspect because I had no money and jobs are crappy for a teenager that never stepped into college. And they give money, a bed and you even get to travel so…" She shrugged "I spent ten months in Iraq, eleven in Afghanistan, moved here when I had the money, got a driving license and a car, and left for Pakistan back in September. Came back a few weeks ago, left on a small trip, and came back again a couple days ago." Ruth nodded with a tiny smile "I have an uhm… medical leave so… I won't be deployed anymore."
"Can I ask… why is it that… gave you amnesia?" Ruth asked. Beca thought for a few seconds and then nodded.
"Got kidnapped the day before Christmas for a band of angry Pakistani soldiers. They tortured me and I got a concussion and some great brain damage among… other stuff. Chloe and Jesse here found me a few weeks later and saved my life. Aubrey is Chloe's best friend and Jesse's girlfriend and she's a doctor and helped lots so… now they get to stay here for as long as they want." Beca explained.
"Oh. Thanks guys." Ruth grinned looking at her friends, who formed a polite smile "Well, thanks for your time Beca." Ruth stood up "It's more than I could've ever expected."
"So" Beca said suddenly, thoughtful and leading with internal battles "let me see if I understand" she stood up "my father is some dude named Jordan that never even made the effort to be my father, that ignored me even if he knew you were abusing me, and basically got sick of us and made a better family he could love and for whom he probably is the best man in the world." Ruth nodded looking down "And you were a monster towards me for years…" Ruth nodded again.
"That's right." Ruth said.
"But you got back in place for me, you made an effort to find me, you spend years trying to reach me, you tried for me to want you back selling me letters to the Army and stuff, and you've come here more than once only to find me and be kicked out." Beca stood nervously in front of her, staring at her short mother. She was taller than Ruth, and Beca wasn't exactly a tall person "You haven't been my mother for eighteen years but, as far as I'm concerned… you've been or wanted and tried to be for the past nine years. You're the closest thing I know to a mother, and the closest thing I have to a consanguineous family." Ruth nodded staring at her.
"It's okay Beca. I just wanted to make sure you would be okay. I know you're better off without me, I'm just glad you're okay and with true friends. You never had friends, that I knew of at least."
"I may have forgotten more than half my life." Beca said "But you're the only person from my past, not counting the Army that has a duty towards me, that has tried to reach me. What I really mean to say…" she bit her lip nervously "is… thank you. Thank you, mom." Ruth stared at her daughter in disbelief for a few seconds, and then hugged her tightly, crying. Beca awkwardly threw her arms around her mother and then relaxed and squeezed her tightly as Ruth cried. Chloe sniffled smiling and Jesse and Aubrey smiled too.
"I'm so sorry Beca, oh my sweet little girl, my little angel, if it wasn't for you I would be nobody! You're… you're… I swear I won't disappoint you again Beca, never!" Ruth cried against Beca's shoulder.
"It's okay mom. I know, it's okay." Beca rubbed her back patiently.
"I love you so much Beca. I've always loved you, even if I wouldn't show it, but your father and other stuff had me so… so fucked up… but I won't fail you again, okay?" She stepped back holding Beca's face between her hands, squeezing her cheeks. Beca smiled awkwardly "We're gonna be a family again, and I'm gonna be the best mother…"
"Mom, it's okay." Beca rubbed her forearms to free her face "I… I kind of love you too. So now stop it, you're embarrassing me in front of my friends." Ruth laughed and hugged her tightly again.
The next day, Beca decided to invite her mom for lunch. She helped to prepare it for a while until she had to leave for a meeting she had with someone from the Army to end her association and all relations with them and be a veteran and civilian.
She, in consequence, came a bit late for lunch and her family was already sitting on the table starting to eat.
"Sorry for the delay, hi mom!" Beca yelled coming into the house and running into the living room leaving her keys on top of some furniture before joining the table "Traffic is a mess at this hour, sorry."
"So you're not Sergeant Mitchell anymore?" Ruth asked with a smile.
"No, only an unemployed." Beca replied.
"Welcome to the clan!" Jesse laughed.
"You know? I have savings screw working. I'm gonna live of not wasting a lot of money and not making more." Beca smirked joking around.
"Not a bad job." Aubrey commented with a smirk "Imagine it on your papers. Rebeca Mitchell. Job, loser." She joked, making them laugh.
"She'll focus on getting her skinny ass bigger." Chloe added with a smirk.
They were talking and laughing for a while with random topics. At one moment, Beca looked at her mother.
"Mom, where does Jordan live?" Beca asked.
"Seattle honey, I told you."
"I mean the exact address."
"Oh" Ruth looked surprised "are you gonna write him?" Chloe looked at Beca surprised.
"No" Beca replied "I wanna visit him. But not like to give him a hug and stuff… I want his family to know who he is. I wanna show him who I am and make him regret what he did to us."
"Honey…" Ruth smiled a bit "That's not going to be a good idea. Your head is bad, you shouldn't do those efforts and even if you could, you shouldn't remove waters. Is better if things stay how they are, each goes happily their way."
"But I can't let it go, mom, I'm a soldier, I don't let things go, I confront them with a gun." Beca shrugged nervously scratching her arm "What he did was unforgivable, things could've gotten real bad for us because of him. I won't let him forget and keep living happily just like that. And don't worry about my head, is not like I'm gonna do it anytime soon. I want a few calm days first."
"I'll email you the address." Ruth promised "I know I must have it somewhere." Beca nodded.
"Oh, before we forget." Jesse said "We talked with Chloe before, but you still don't know! Chloe told us a few days ago about her thoughts of moving to Boston, and Aubrey and I spoke to our families and Boston seems like a good plan, Aubrey actually has some family there and everything and the hospital there is good and Aubrey called and they are interested in her. And I called the University of Boston, to see if they needed someone else, and they also have a spot for me."
"What do you mean?" Beca frowned in curiosity.
"We're all moving to Boston!" the three friends yelled happily, and Beca smiled, nodding.
"That's so cool! We should start looking for places!" Beca said excitedly.
"Oh, you're moving?" Ruth asked.
"Yeah." Beca stared at Ruth a bit nervous not knowing how she would take it "I know it's kind of far from San Francisco but… I can go visit and stuff. It's just, Chloe got a great job offer, and she didn't want to go alone, and I didn't want to stay alone not remembering if I have friends here or anything, and since I'm unemployed I thought I would be great to go too."
"Oh, that's fantastic!" Ruth smiled "We went once to Boston when you were like six, I loved that place, is gorgeous. And now that you're moving, what do you think if I buy you this house? That way I'm a bit closer to you, less flight hours for the both of us. I'll sell my place in San Francisco, it's too small and I have a lot of savings so I can be a bit richer here. Plus I've had many offers for my place because it's well located."
"That… that would be awesome!" Beca grinned widely.
"Actually" Chloe intervened "Ruth, what do you say about buying my childhood house in Denver, Colorado? It's even closer to Boston" She asked, and Beca raised her eyebrows in surprise, so did Ruth making them look a lot like mother and daughter "Long story short" Chloe said awkwardly "My father passed away and my mother and brother died long ago so there's nobody to take care of our house in Denver, and I have to sell it and it's quite painful to say goodbye to it and leave it to just anybody. And it's a really big house with awesome gardens, and I promise you is a great neighbor and a great city, well located, close to everything, and you can change it and make it your home however you want. Is just… I would feel better knowing somebody trustful is taking care of it, and when I go to Denver to visit the cemetery I could maybe stay with you for a couple days? It would make me really happy if you bought it and I wouldn't ask more than four hundred thousand dollars, I swear."
Ruth seemed thoughtful for a moment and smiled a bit exchanging a look with Beca, who smiled and nodded back.
"Yeah, of course!" Ruth replied "I like Denver, lived there once before I met Beca's father and it was great." She smiled widely "Don't worry Chloe, I would very gladly buy your place and take care of it, and it'll be so cool because of course you can come all the time! If it's a special place for you I'm sure it'll be more than a great place for me. Only one question, nobody actually died there, right?" she asked serious. Chloe bit her lip.
"My mother killed herself in the bathroom but my father changed it completely, it's now the laundry room." Chloe replied nervously "And I swear my mother has never come from beyond or anything, no weird noises, nothing creepy has happened ever since, really."
Ruth smiled warmly at Chloe.
"Awesome!" Ruth said excitedly "Although…" she got serious and squeezed Chloe's hand over the table "I'm really sorry for what happened honey. I promise I'll take good care of your house, okay?"
"Thanks Ruth, it means a lot." Chloe replied with a tiny smile, and Beca smiled at them.