Chapter 10- Fighting Nature.

Emmett's arrival had turned my world upside down, but it was like he filled a hole in our household that we had never known was there. He was brand new but somehow made it seem like he had always been part of us. His exuberance and enthusiasm was in stark contrast to the more reserved natures of the rest of us, and his laughter and cheer and unabashed friendliness broke through the others' defences effortlessly. He particularly charmed Esme and she became his stout defender in all things, no matter what it was his carelessness destroyed or how bad his language was. Edward relaxed more than I'd ever known him to, and let go of some of his moroseness as he played like a boy with Emmett, clearly enjoying his novel new companion.

I watched them. Stared with such fierceness and longing that the image of Emmett was etched on my mind and even when I was away all I had to do was think his name to see him, dimples and full lipped smile, eyes crinkled in amusement. I watched him make himself at home and listened to him laugh, and inside I fought a war between desire and fear.

I want you. I'm afraid of you.

I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of what I feel for you.

I was aware of him all the time. The house seemed full of his presence, full of his noise and laughter and joyous acceptance of what he was, but I couldn't talk to him and I found myself clinging tight to my aloof, perfect mask to stop myself from being swept away in this wave of feeling that threatened to engulf me. I battled between wanting to stay away and wanting to follow him around like a puppy dog if I could only breathe in the smell of him.

I didn't know what he thought about me. He looked often – he was always staring – but despite being so easy with everyone else when it came to me he would become tongue tied and shy, and stumble over his words in a way that made the distance between us seem insurmountable. I wondered bleakly how long we could go on like this, but saw no way to change it.

We took him out each day to increase his tolerance to the scent of humans. It was difficult. He struggled with the temptation of the blood, and having never seen a newborn other than myself I found watching his torment of thirst and denial excruciating. Carlisle reassured me that it had been like this with Edward and Esme in the beginning as well, and I took a little comfort in that. Edward told me that Emmett wouldn't ask me to accompany them but that he found it easier to bear if I were with them, and so each day I walked silently by his side and watched him do battle with himself and wondered if that would be the day I would see him fall.

In the end it happened when I wasn't there, something I was secretly passionately grateful for. I had been at class, and after Esme had finished her soup kitchen volunteering she picked me up and drove us home. As soon as we opened the car doors we could smell the scent of human blood, faint but unmistakeable as it hung in the air, even before we saw the patches of dark, wet dirt where the blood had soaked into the dust of the driveway.

Carlisle came down the steps to meet us, his face grave. "It was Emmett," he said quietly, in answer to our unspoken questions. "It was a traveller, probably coming to our door looking for work or food…it was done before Edward or I could even think of stopping him."

Esme's hand covered her mouth for a moment. "Oh dear," she murmured. "What a terrible thing…the poor man! And Emmett- how did he react?"

I could hear the hesitation in her voice and I knew intuitively that she was afraid that Emmett would turn. She was afraid that by tasting human blood he would no longer want to go to the lengths required to abstain, and that we would lose him.

"He was very upset," Carlisle said gently. "He actually purely on impulse, and once he realised what he had done he was distraught. It was an accident, that's all…now we just need to make him see that."

"Of course we will!" Esme said determinedly. "Goodness knows I understand being in his position, I made so many mistakes early on." Her eyes met Carlisle's and they exchanged a private look so full of tenderness I had to turn my head away. "It was only your encouragement that kept me going. If I didn't have you…" she whispered, and I took to my heels and bolted for my room.

I lay on my bed for a long time, staring up at the faint spiderweb of cracks in the cream painted ceiling. I heard Emmett and Esme talking on the porch, and I listened to the sounds of the house and forest around me, trying to lose myself in the minutiae so that I didn't have to think.

Some time later there was a knock on my door. I knew it was Edward, and I briefly considered not letting him but he must have heard my thoughts because pushed the door open and entered the room anyway.

"Sorry," he said, "I want to talk to you."

Too wearied by my own tangled, intense emotions to even bother arguing I simply shrugged. Do whatever you want.

Edward sat on the edge of my bed, looking down at his hands as I scrambled to sit up, leaning against the wall in the opposite corner to him. Well? Get it over with.

He flashed me an irritated look, although I could see by the tense set of his shoulders that he was trying to control himself and not snap back. "Please Rose," he said tersely. "I'm not here to upset you."

What is it then?

"It's Emmett," Edward said simply. "He needs you."

I was already shaking my head. "I can't."

"You CAN," Edward said, his voice low and forceful. "Rosalie, I know Carlisle doesn't think we should interfere with you and Emmett…and I know that Esme wants to do nothing BUT interfere!...but I am in the unique position of hearing your thoughts and hearing his and…"

"Don't do that!" I hissed furiously. "I hate you in my head Edward, you know that!"

"I know!" Edward flung up his hands in exasperation. "I know that! But I can't help it and Rosalie, what you're afraid of…"

I wanted to rip him into pieces. "I'm not afraid!" I snarled. "Not of anything!"

"Oh sure!" Edward scoffed, beginning to lose his cool. "That's why you're hiding up in your room now, and why you won't even talk to Emmett! Because you're not afraid of anything…"

I lunged at him, but he was across the room before I could touch him. "I'm sorry," he said through clenched teeth. "I'm sorry that you're both so damn stubborn!"

He took a deep breath and pounded his fists against his thigh. "This isn't at all what I meant to say when I came in here," he said, and his voice was resigned. "I also don't suppose you'll listen to a thing I say now! But I'll say it anyway…he needs you Rosalie, and you need him. I have listened to his mind and he is exactly what he seems. There is no hidden darkness, not in Emmett."

Edward's stare was penetrating and I froze under his knowing gaze, hating him for seeing so much and at the same time fighting the wild, burgeoning hope his words had raised in me.

"I know you Rosalie," he said, and his voice was so quiet and sad that I had to strain to hear it. "I know you hate me for it, and I pretend not to see, but I know you. And this does not have to be so difficult for you…he is a good man." Edward gave me a smile of such heartbreaking kindness that I had to turn my head away. "That's all I wanted to say to you," he finished, and a moment later I heard the soft click of the door latch.

No hidden darkness…I know you Rosalie. I sat silently, staring at the forest beyond my window and feeling the familiar pain gnaw at my insides again. Edward was right, of course…I was afraid. I was afraid of Emmett leaving, and afraid of Emmett staying and I wanted him with every fibre of my being and I hated myself for letting myself feel like this. Because need meant vulnerability, and vulnerability meant hurt. It had been such a painful process to build these walls around my heart, surely I couldn't break them down now, and the idea of smashing them myself was unthinkable…

But if he needs me…

I was down the stairs before I could think any more. I heard Carlisle say my name and I paused on the bottom step, looking at him and Esme as they frowned at me. I wished I could explain how I felt…but how could I explain what I didn't even understand?

"You should go and talk to Emmett," Carlisle said gently.

"I doubt I'll be able to say anything that you haven't," I muttered.

"I don't care, Rosalie," Esme said sternly. "We've said we're not interfering with whatever is going between the two of you and we're not. But you get yourself outside right now and say something to that boy to make him feel better about himself. It's the least you'd do for any other member of the family, and he's one of us now too. Now scoot."

Scowling behind me at her irritated scolding I stamped outside on to the porch, where Emmett was slumped in the porch swing, brooding. For a minute I wanted to kick him for disturbing the life I was just beginning to accept, but then I reminded myself that he hadn't asked to be brought here…it was my fault and I had to deal with it. So I took a deep breath and relaxed my face and then asked tentatively, "Do you mind if I sit down?'

Wordlessly Emmett waved his hand at the empty swing cushion, and I carefully sat beside him. He leaned towards me and for a moment I held my breath, but then he jerked himself upright and, half disappointed, I leaned back in the swing and pushed off with my foot to make it rock.

"You don't have to say anything. I know they made you come out here. You don't have to pretend like what I did doesn't matter." His voice was rough with pent up emotion, and all I wanted to do was wrap him in my arms and make him feel better. But I couldn't – I can't, I'm sorry! – bring myself to touch him right then.

"It doesn't matter that much," I said thoughtfully. "Well, it probably matters to the man you killed! But it doesn't matter that much to me. You're a vampire- you did what we're supposed to do. We try not to do it, but we're fighting nature every day and sometime we're going to lose."

"Edward says you've never done it," he muttered. "You've never fed off anyone."

I glanced at him sharply, but his eyes were wide and innocent. You don't know. I've never killed for blood Emmett, but I have killed…I've done much worse than you did today. Done worse than you'll ever do, because Edward is right that you're a good man, despite everything.

"I tasted you, you know." The words slipped out without thought, and for a moment my whole body burned as I remembered the taste of him in the forest and the feel of his blood slicked skin under my lips and tongue.

"What?" Emmett sounded shocked.

"When I found you and the bear," I went on slowly, my hands twisting together in my lap. Why am I telling you this? "There was so much blood, everywhere. I knew you were dying. I was going to…make it happen quicker, but I didn't. But when I leaned over you, I tasted some."

I closed my eyes for a moment, partly so I didn't see his reaction, partly to remember that beautiful, ravaged human I had so inexplicably wanted. Wanted enough that I had tasted the nectar of his blood, just one tiny taste that had it forever burned into my senses as the most delicious taste ever, and yet I had resisted the lure of it for the much greater lure of seeing him live. Even if it was like this, I thought bleakly, even when living is really dying, and all we can do is make the motions of life here in the shadow world.

"I'm glad you found me."

I looked up and saw in his face all the emotion I had ever felt coming from him. Love, devotion, wonder…maybe Edward was right, and there was no hidden darkness within him. I reached out my hand and my fingers curved around his knuckles. For a moment there was nothing but that touch, everything in my mind and body and heart focussed into the wonder of what it felt like to touch him.

"I didn't want you to die."

I looked into his eyes and felt the world around me open up. Emmett and I at the centre of the universe, and all the possibilities that offered…I snatched my hand away and stood up, but I didn't look away.

"It will get easier," I tell him simply. "It does. And you can't let it tear you apart, because there's nothing to be gained by that. You have to accept what you've done and go on in spite of it." I turned and walked away, but when I got to the door I paused for a moment with my hand on the frame and looked back at him. Emmett, with his dark hair and dimples and the red eyes of a killer…and I smiled at him gently. "You should come inside now."

He rose to his feet and followed me.