The Joker had never been the most popular inmate among the residents of Arkham, but he had never felt more hated than he felt in the following week. Indifference, irritation, and annoyance was one thing, and indeed he relished these because it meant that his comedy was affecting them, but outright hatred from everyone seemed uncalled for, and downright rude, especially when he hadn't pulled any pranks on any of them recently. Except when he had switched Ivy's shampoo with her hair removal cream, but that had been comedy gold, so entirely excusable.
"Morning, Pammie!" he called cheerfully as she entered the cafeteria with a scarf wrapped around her head. "Love the new hairdo – scarves are very in fashion at the moment, or so I hear!" She glared furiously at him, but stormed off to join the others at the opposite end of the table. They all glared at Joker and Harley seated on their own, and then turned away to ignore them.
"What have I done to become Arkham's most hated?" asked Joker, turning to Harley, offended.
"Red's always hated you, so that's not unusual at all," retorted Harley. "But I dunno about the others."
"Hey, guys, it's a funny prank!" shouted Joker. "I'm sorry you losers can't appreciate comedy!"
"It's not funny, you bastard!" shouted Two-Face. "Can't you do anything but go around hurting people and causing pain?!"
"Hey, we're all in here because we go around hurting people and causing pain!" shouted Joker. "I'm just better at it than the rest of you, just like I am at everything!"
"It's one thing to hurt normal people," muttered Nygma. "But to hurt fellow rogues is barbaric."
"Oh, lighten up, Eddie!" snapped Joker. "This food is barbaric. Pranking people is hilarious. Get your terms straight."
Everyone glared at him again, and then went back to their breakfast, ignoring him. "What's the matter with all of you?" demanded Joker. "Did you wake up on the wrong side of no one again this morning?"
"Oh, for the love of God!" snapped Crane, standing up suddenly. "Yes, we understand you're very lucky to have the love of a beautiful and devoted woman! You don't have to keep rubbing it in, do you?! It's not funny, it's just cruel, and I've suffered enough cruelty in my life! I'm going to my cell!"
"Christ, J, why do you have to be such a jerk all the time?!" shouted Two-Face. "Harley must be outta her mind!"
"It's a riddle to all of us why she remains with you," muttered Nygma.
"Complete nonsense if you ask me," said Tetch.
They all three left the room. Only Ivy remained with them. She finished her breakfast silently on the opposite end of the table, and then headed for the door. She paused, and then seized Joker by the collar, dragging him to her. "I loathe you," she hissed. Then she stormed from the room.
"I…don't get it," stammered Joker, staring after them. "What have I done? Harley, what have I done? They hate me. They really hate me."
"No, they don't hate you, puddin'," murmured Harley, soothingly. "They're just…y'know…upset for Red."
"I guess I don't mind being hated," murmured Joker. "I've never really thought about it before. Because I've never really felt hated before. Who hates a comedian? They're just trying to make people laugh."
"Aw, and you do, puddin'," purred Harley. "You're my funny guy…"
"They don't think I'm funny, Harley," he interrupted.
"I do," she murmured.
He snorted. "You," he muttered. "What kinda audience are you?"
"You shouldn't let it bother you, puddin'…"
"I ain't bothered," he retorted. "I don't care what they think. I don't care what anybody thinks. I just wish I knew why they hated me. I haven't told any jokes that could offend anyone lately. Anyway, who gets offended by jokes? They're in the wrong, Harley, for having no sense of humor. It's their fault. Ain't nothing I've done. Ain't nothing wrong with me."
"No, of course not, puddin'," she agreed.
"I think I'm funny, and that's what matters," he said, firmly. "It was a good gag, and I ain't gonna let anyone make me think otherwise. Especially not the lamewads stuck in here."
But the Joker didn't smile for the rest of the day, and that worried Harley. She determined to find out why everyone had suddenly turned against her puddin', and if anyone could help her figure out human behaviors, it was Johnny Crane.
She knocked on the door to his cell. "Come in," he said.
"Hi, Johnny," she said, beaming.
"Harley," he murmured. "What are you doing here?"
"Just wanted to ask for your advice," she said, sitting down.
"Well…it's been a long time since you did that," he said, slowly.
"I didn't need it for a long time," she agreed. "But it was nice to know it was always there if I did. Just like I knew you were always there if I needed you," she said, smiling at him.
He looked at her. "What do you want?" he asked quietly.
"I wanna know if you know why everyone's suddenly turned against Mr. J," said Harley. "Has he done anything lately to make everyone angry at him? He pretends it don't matter, but…I can see it's bothering him more than he lets on."
Crane was silent. "It's nothing he's done lately," he murmured. "It's probably something to do with a story I was telling them."
"Yeah? What story?" asked Harley.
"The story of you being my student before we both went mad," he said. "And when I saw you and the Joker together at Arkham."
"Are they angry because you didn't report us?" asked Harley, surprised. "You'd think they'd show a little sympathy…"
"No, I think they're angry because…it happened," murmured Crane. "And they don't think he's…worthy of you. I told them all about how you used to be, bright and intelligent and fun and determined…"
"I'm still all those things," interrupted Harley. "Mr. J hasn't changed any of that. He's just made me happy. I dunno why people would be angry about that."
"Because perhaps they thought there was someone more worthy of you," he said, quietly. "Perhaps they…still think that. Someone who cares for you very deeply and who would never, ever treat you the way he does. Someone who has long worshipped the very ground you walk on, and who would never hurt you. Someone who loves you beyond reason."
Harley looked at him, puzzled. "Who?" she asked.
He looked up at her, and the slow realization sank into her eyes. "Oh," she murmured. "Oh…Johnny…I didn't know. I'm sorry…I didn't know."
"No," he agreed. "And it's best that you didn't. But now everyone in here knows, and I think they're as baffled as I always was by your choice, when there was someone always by your side who adored you and supported you and treated you with respect."
Harley was silent. "Look, Johnny, I told you, I can't give you reasons for loving Mr. J," she murmured. "I just do. And it still feels right, even after all these years. Even after all I put up with…my heart wants him. I've always listened to my heart, and I won't stop now, even if it sometimes fights with my head. My heart always wins out. Just like yours did when you agreed not to report me and Mr. J. I can see now that…that must have been very difficult for you, and a lesser man would have, out of jealousy. But you ain't a lesser man, Johnny. You've always been the best of men. And maybe I ain't worthy of you, in the end," she said, smiling.
"You're worthy of everything good on this earth," he whispered. "And if you…accepted me, I would spend the rest of my life hunting down everything good, and giving it to you."
"I ain't ever wanted good things, Johnny," she murmured. "I ain't ever expected them anyway. Maybe to you I seemed bright and confident, but deep down, I ain't ever thought too highly of myself. I never thought I was pretty until Mr. J told me so. And somedays I think he might have been lying about that. See, you can't really change who you are. And deep down I'm a shy, scared, insecure person. I'm sure you can relate to that. But when I'm with Mr. J…I ain't that person anymore. I'm Harley Quinn, his dame, who he picked outta all the women in the world. He created her, and he completes me. I'm all those things I only ever pretended to be – pretty and bright and fun and confident and strong. He makes me happy. Not just with life, but with myself. Maybe that's what love is. And all the good things in the world couldn't give me happiness unless I had the man who completes me to give them to me. And you ain't that man, Johnny. No matter how much anyone wishes you could be."
She took his hand. "But you are…my true friend," she said, slowly. "And maybe that's rarer than a lover. I mean, a lotta people have romantic relationships. But not a lotta people have friends who will act unselfishly and nobly, and sacrifice their own happiness for theirs. I'm not a…great gal, Johnny. But I am a lucky one. Please don't ever think I don't realize how lucky I am to have your friendship."
She gazed at him. "I told you once that if there was ever anything I could do to repay you for keeping me and Mr. J's secret, I would do it. That offer still stands. If there's anything I can do, tell me, Johnny."
He gazed back at her. "Yes," he murmured. "Yes, there is one thing."
He clasped her hand. "Be happy," he murmured. "Always. And every time you smile, I'll consider my debt repaid."
She beamed at him. "I can't always smile, Johnny," she murmured. "It hurts if you do it for too long. But that don't mean I ain't happy. Sometimes even smiling gives us pain. But that don't mean it ain't worth it, y'see?"
"No," he murmured. Then he grinned. "But you were always a better psychiatrist than me, Harley. I will trust in your wisdom."
He dropped her hands. "I don't imagine the others will stay mad at Joker for too long," he said. "And if they do, I'll do something to annoy them so they'll hate me and say my rejection by you was justly deserved. If I don't know how to manipulate human behavior, who does?"
Harley beamed at him. "Thanks, Johnny, you're the greatest," she said. "I mean that."
She headed for the door. "Harley!" he called.
She turned. "Do you think if…if you hadn't met him, that…things would have been different between us?" he asked quietly.
Harley shrugged. "I don't think much about hypothetical situations, Johnny. I don't find it very useful."
"Of course," he said. "It was a silly question, really…"
"I think I've always had an attraction for extreme personalities," she continued. "And I think you've always been an extreme personality. I think if I had been looking for something else when I was in college, I think if I had been after a husband…" She trailed off. "I could certainly have done worse," she finished, grinning. "And I think if it had been a contest between you and Jeff Richmond…I would have picked you. I'm not sure if any of that consoles you…"
"Oh, immeasurably," interrupted Crane. "You can have no idea what it's like for a man like me to be told he'd be chosen over a football player."
Harley grinned. "Well, it's true. But I don't regret anything that's happened. I hope you don't either."
"No," he agreed. "One can't spend one's life regretting what might have been. But sometimes one can't help wondering, you know."
"Yeah," said Harley. "I get that." She smiled at him. "Well, see ya later, Professor. And thank you."
"Don't mention it," he murmured, watching her leave. He sat down slowly, leaning back against the wall and shutting his eyes. "What might have been," he murmured. "But I suppose I'll never know. And in this one, rare case, I suppose ignorance is indeed bliss."
There was another knock on his door. "Come in," said Crane.
Tetch entered with a tray. "Cup of tea?" he asked.
Crane smiled at him. "If we speak of true friends, Jervis, you are mine," he said, smiling.
"I've always been of the firm belief that true friendship can be measured by tea," retorted Tetch.
"Mine always seem to be cemeted by tea, anyway," replied Crane. "And sometimes, Jervis, simple pleasures are the best."
"I've always thought so," agreed Tetch, handing him a cup. "When nothing can be done to change a situation, it's best to not try, and just enjoy a cup of tea instead."
"A very admirable philosphy," said Crane, nodding. "Pass the sugar, please."
The End